I cannot believe me.

I hurt my best friend, J.P. over...well, something that happened a while ago.
The way I described it, as she was near tears anyway, was "It's like being abused by a parent and not being believed when you tell people, so you give up trying and get set to just go with it." Even as I knew she was crying about the guilt she felt over that, and as I was being torn up by my own guilt, I couldn't say sorry and didn't cry. Am I becoming...cold?
On the plus side, I ran 20 minutes today. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for that.
So...Sleepy beddie time.
Night.

Let me ramble about my shopping trip

Ok, so after going to Wal-Mart and Toys "R" Us, we went to Barnes and Noble (the bookstore). While I'm standing there, looking at the teen nonfic, this dude from choir comes over and starts talking to me. Basically, we talk about how everyone seems to out doing things today because he was, like, the thirty thousandth (huge exageration) person I saw that I knew and he said someone else was out in that town and it was crazy.
But it was weird that he got my attention and started talking to me. We come from totally different groups of friends and have barely spoken in the past. I would've understood if we were in the same aisle and our eyes kinda met and he said hi. That's just considered polite and he's pretty polite. But no, it looked like he had walked over to talk to me and then after an awkward silence, he walked off, making it look like he had somewhere else to be.
Maybe I'm over thinking, but he's just one of those kids who make you over think. It's cause he's so nice and his self-esteem is worse than mine, which pretty bad, and I've heard rumors that he's recovered/recovering from and ED. So, he would deserve someone really special.
...That's my ramble...for now.

Ramblingg~

Note: I'll post here once I get my thoughts organized.
I'm in one of those moods where I keep blanking and spacing out. Generally, I can't keep a single thought flowing. This is bad because I'm trying to write today, but could be because one of my friends, J.P., told me she attempted suicide (again) last night. Or it's the caffiene. Or the fact that all my tears seemed to be reserved for myself. What a selfish brat.
We had our Christmas concert last night and apparently did amazing. Mom said I looked beautiful, but I think she's full of it. I've never been beautiful. Sure, sure, I pretended I was the best frickin thing that this world had ever seen, that nothing could touch me, but look at where that got me.
I like to pretend that when I'm at school, my acting is perfected, to the point that the pain is lost. I like to think that when I'm seen outside of school, the pain of new cuts obvious on my expression, I seem like a stranger to those who have only seen me there at school. I like to pretend that I don't trust people, because I shouldn't. The people I threw most of my trust to turn it against me, cause me to mutilate me. I like thinking that my reasons for hating you, J.R., is justified. You don't tell one of your friends, who you happen to know that is cutting, to kill themself or that the world is better without them. Don't try to act like we're friends now. J.P. told me that she thought I was just trying to ruin her relationship until I showed her the messages. Yeah, I like pretending I don't trust everyone even though I've been hurt like this. I like pretending that striding with my head held high means something to me. I love pretending that people can relate to me because we've all been to our own little section of Hell at least once.
Isn't it funny how the world seems huge when I'm full of hope, and tiny and suffocating when I'm lonely? Truly, I'd do anything, almost, to kill this loneliness. Though I guess that would mean forgetting everything I've taught myself and being real at school. I'll admit it, I don't have many friends and I realize that most the people who say they're my friends would high tail it away from me if they ever saw the reality of me. They don't see a lot. They don't see the depression, the anxiety, the angry, the self-harm... I can bottle it all up when they're looking, release it when they aren't. All they get to see is happiness, optimism, smiles, compliments, the perfectly weaved together lies.
Why is it so easy to be what they want when before them? Why is it so easy to keep these broken emotions in tact when they're askin me to dance to their tune? Why is it so easy to do what they ask, while only slightly breaking the normal? Why is easy to be different, but pleasant when they ask? Am I merely their dog with a long enough chain to believe I'm free, while knowing I'm not?

Attention, Attention~

I love that song, BUT not the point of this post. My new blog that I mentioned wanting to put together is now thrown together. It can be found here for those of you interested in keeping up with my life. Sorry that some of you just started following this blog and I'm making a new one.

Okay, so...

Today my Christmas Concert was concelled because we got snow and since we don't get much snow everyone spazzed out. And while I was reading this lovely blog she mentioned this which (for those too lazy to click the link :P) is 30 letters in 30 days. Everyday, a new letter is written to a different person. These are the people listed in the orignal post:

Day 1: Your best friend.
Day 2: Someone you secretly think is cute.
Day 3: Your parents.
Day 4: A sibling. (Or relative if you’re an only child.)
Day 5: Your dreams.
Day 6: A stranger.
Day 7: Your ex.
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11: Someone who died.
Day 12: The person who has caused you the most pain in your life.
Day 13: Someone you wish would forgive you.
Day 14: Someone you have drifted away from.
Day 15: The person you miss the most.
Day 16: Someone that doesn’t live in your state/country.
Day 17: Someone from your childhood.
Day 18: The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind (good or bad.)
Day 20: The person that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21: Someone you judged by first impression.
Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23: Someone who makes you laugh really hard.
Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25: A person you know is going through hard times.
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27: The friendliest person you only knew for a day.
Day 28: Someone that changed your life.
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to.
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror.
In case you can't tell, I wanna do this. In my room, I'll keep a folder and put the letters in there.
In other, maybe more important news, I'm thinking of starting a new, more organized blog. Okay, that'll start either tomorrow or later today. Dunno which.
Toodles.

Meh, not unexpected,

but makes me unhappy nonetheless. Binge. It doesn't make me as unhappy as it would if I was doing this to try and lose weight, but it makes me unhappy that my body can't just decided what it wants. Now, even though I won't do it, I feel like puking and my stomach hurts like crap and I just feel depressed again. Probably because I don't feel well physically..?
I've started another story (which may or may not ever end, lol). Honestly, I've felt creative this week and actually wanted to write the version of this one movie that the other students in one of my classes came up with. I'll never be able to watch that movie again without expecting the snowman to rape the kid... It's a kids' movie, by the way. It was The Snowman. Yeah, don't watch that movie with a bunch of bored and/or hyper high schoolers.
I got sidetracked. I was gonna talk about what the story I started is about. Imagine...going off to a Christian summer camp (only because it's the only type of camp I've been to ^^ and it makes the relationship so much more fun) with a mouth that would make a sailor blush because your mom is just sick of seeing your face around the house. Now, imagine meeting and dating someone ten years older than you while there...Yeah, I don't really have much other than that because I make it up as I go along. Either way, it's fun to write and it's really weird because I'm getting into the characters which I always found hard in the past. Maybe I'll actually end up finishing this??? Haha, I doubt it, but whatever.
In other news, I got a comment I wanna reply to. ^^ I'm actually a very honest person..except apparently to my mom. I tend to avoid situations where I may lie, though, and am very bad at lying. Generally I'll stumble over words when I lie (or am tired), so I make my voice quieter, hoping it won't seem as bad and if I think too much about the fact I'm lying I do something that gives me away. So I try not to lie.

The world came to me the other day,

asking "Why are you so nice?" With the all the wisdom I've gathered in my 14 years, my reply came, "In this life you must be two things to be loved, nice or beautiful. I'll quit being the former when I manage to see myself as the latter."

Probably shouldn't be posting so early into the day, but...

I was reading a list of ways to keep yourself from feeling hunger and it hit me...If it gets soo bad that I'm cutting, the next thing will be that I simply can ignore the hunger pains. I'll be hungry for hours and never realize it until I'm reaching for the soda/water/whatever and then it'll hit me. Yeah, I reached that point today. I kept myself caffeinated after I left home with my mom around six. There's this one energy drink out there. 145 mg/whatever it's measured in of caffeine and the calories are only 30 and the bottle is tallish so it seems like there's a lot in it. I'm probably gonna manage to kill myself drinking them, but it tastes better than coffee, so... eh.
Ok, so anyway, I guess I'm rehydrating now because that's all I've had since we got home... Water. I must be going through more than I am willing to actually acknowledge for my body to become self-destructive. Well, since it's about 2:29AM, I'm gonna go to bed.

Later:
breakfast=
grapes(4): 16
apple slices(4): 40
coffee (12oz): 3
total: 59

Lunch=
cheese bites (2)=50
cherries(4)=24 (feel free to correct this if you think it's wrong.)
diet mt. dew= 0
total=133

Supper=
Nothing. I'm at home, and don't feel like eating. Though I guess I don't have to explain myself to you guys.

Snackage=
Cherry (3)=18
Coffee=2
Total=153

This is why I don't set a limit on my calories. Because if I don't wanna eat, this is how I eat.
We went shopping today because I needed black shoes for tomorrow because I be in concert choir at school. So, I picked up a couple tank tops and a pair of capris because we're wearing our robes and can wear whatever under it. Honestly, it looks like I'm gonna go work out in dress shoes instead of singing in a choir. Hey! Maybe I'll use them for that after this, use them as exercise clothes.
I've been lying a lot lately. First I told my mom that one of my shirts was bloodstained because I had cut myself while shaving and it was the first thing I saw when I realized it, so I used it to apply pressure to make the bleeding stop. Totally a lie. Then today I told her I was getting a large and medium tank top in case the large doesn't fit. Well, I'm actually just gonna use it as something to strive for once I start eating normally again (or I decide that this is just fine).
Maybe I'll ask my mom for a jump rope for Christmas. That way, I can start jumping rope...Though I guess I could hop up and down for a while, but it's just not as fun as jumping rope. I guess I'll find something to do because sitting around all day is not an exercise.
Okay, I'm gonna hop off and get all nice and caught up on all the blogs I follow. :)

Wanted to slice some part of me open at school.

Okay, so last class of the day and I'm sooo excited because it's Basic Drawing, a class I've grown to REALLY enjoy, and I'm hyped off sugar because we had a party in Geometry, the class I have before Basic Drawing. Settle into my seat, excitement crashing to an end and the desire to hurt myself sparking when I see J.R., who happens to sit right across the room, holding a note complimenting my hair...as though he didn't emotionally abuse me all summer. I've changed my hair since the pictures were added. It's black now with pink,purple, blue, and green streaks on the sides, purple and black bangs and a pink/blue streak in the back. Well, now I wanna dye the whole thing purple or green, because the green is actually quite pretty. BUT instead of killing my butterflies I wrote what was wrong on my wall.
Ok, as a reply to my comment (I think that's why I'm posting everyday now, because I have a comment, lol), It's ok that you misunderstood. I wasn't thinking about that when I typed up the post.

Ugh, today's been rough. Mom and Dad are fighting and I feel like cutting. It ALWAYS makes me feel like crap when they do. I guess I'll turn on the mp3 player and ignore the fact it's happening.

Today was nice.

Okk! FIRSTLY, as a reply to my comment! I think it does hurt her when I cut, she just doesn't want to seem hypocritcal because she does to. She blames herself for me cutting, though, which makes me feel crummy.
Today was nice even though I'll probably lose one of my friends, but she's not a real friend if she wants to be friends with J.R. after I've explained it's too mentally stressing for me. This was being all explained as we were getting for a Lia Sophia jewelry party. Well, J.P. was helping me get food and stuff ready and so we drove her home after it was done and since I was dead tired, I laid my head on her lap not even thinking about it (she doesn't like being close to people) until I got home at which point I said sorry (I seem to do that a lot) but it was apparently ok! Anyway, I hopped onto vampirefreaks where I'm part of a cult (group) for people dealing with any form of self harm and got good ideas to keep myself from cutting (I hope!). One of them was to draw butterflies on me (so I see them when I go to do it) and name them after people I care about. Hurt myself and they "die".
Since it's about.. midnight my time, I'm gonna finish this dumb homework, give myself a butterfly, and go to bed!

Gosh.

I've gotten lovely comments (thank you, by the way) since I decided to hop back on, but I haven't bothered to get caught up on anyone's blog. Maybe I'll do that this weekend? Ok, so I told J.P. that I had cut...really, I did expect her to be upset. Something else was upsetting her, but that's not what hurts. What hurts is she made it obvious that it was an after thought and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. We're supposed to be best friends, but she won't tell me. I'm trying not rush to cutting, but I'm tired of feeling and it keeps me from feeling (emotionally, anyway). It's hard to ignore when it's screaming. Can it be the 14th so that my therapist can call me a bad girl? Funny, I've been going to this chick for close to two months and I haven't been this bad. She's seen me grin like nothing has touched me, heard me laugh without fear, and act as though everything is perfect...because that's how it was. Most people go uphill when they go see someone about their problems.
Ok, guess I'll try to get some sleep now. Sigh, I don't wanna because when I don't get enough sleep I can pretend to be bouncy easier. Oh well. Nightie night.

I'm scared

Ok, first, that comment made me cheer up a lot, but I'm still scared talk to my mom about it. Scared she'll throw me out of her life, like I will be, suddenly, not her beautiful little girl.
On to why I'm postin. I'm not scared for me(never am). J.P. said she was learning to cope after saying something was wrong and then that it wasn't...then she quit replying. I've sent her texts, called once. I'm so scared, what if she did the s-word? Yeah, suicide. Wait, wait! Just got a textie! Maybe it's her!
...I'm an idiot. Unlike normal, I didn't think of all the possibilities, I panicked and thought the worse. She was just at the doctor. Thank goodness it wasn't anything too bad. Am I bad? For panicking about someone who was just treating me like crap? More worried about her when recently my right upper arm, right leg, and chest bled. Yeah, I was a bad girl who cut. My chest, up by my collar bone now reads FUCKED UP. Odd, isn't it? I don't mind cussing on my body, just out loud. It isn't deep, so maybe it won't scar too bad.
OK, gonna hop off and try to get out of this saddness.
Toodles!

Guess Mom doesn't get it yet...

I HAVE A DISORDER WITH COPING (or at least that's what they're saying)! I don't ask to stay home from school much but when I do it's because I need more time than provided to figure it out or I'm rajcvjkds depressed. But, even as the scars stare her in the face, Mom doesn't see them. What do I have to do for her to realize it? I told her the therapist I'm seeing says that I have a coping disorder, but I guess she figures I would never. Solution? Idon'thaveone. Starving and cutting? Maybe. Give into already present tendancies.
Anyone know how I should handle this?? I'm scared. What will Mommy do when/if she finds out? She's made mean comments to me about cutters, but does that mean she knows?

I'm back

I guess I'm back, for a while at least. I got an account on Vampirefreaks.com and life's been great for this little over a month. I broke up with my bf even though we were happy together. Being in a relationship just scared the crud out of me.
Tonight...Tonight, though, I feel like ripping open my skin. I should be dieting. The skinny chick who sits at the table behind me is. Both of my best friends basically told me that I barely matter, I'm a dflksdjlfk hypocrite, and am so dflkdjfkl selfish. Can you hear it? The call of the lovely razors? They're screaming and my flesh is itching to answer (that's not really a metaphor, my skin felt itchy as soon as I starting thing about it). I'm thinking about giving in.

I am a poet writing of my pain.
I am a person living a life of shame.
I am your daughter hiding her depression
I am your sister making a good impression.
I am your friend acting like I'm fine
I am a wisher wishing this life weren't mine.
I am a teenager pushing her tears aside.
I am a student who doesn't have a clue
I am the girl sitting next to you.
I am the one asking you to care
I am your best friend hoping you'll be there.
(borrowed from here)
Okay, gonna hop off and think about what to do for a little while longer.
Byes.
Good to be back, by the way.

Soo....

Start laughing nervously now because I'll be shocked if you aren't by the end. My bf and I talked about sex. I told him if he wants to do that on his birthday this year...he can get a prostitute because I won't do it.
I have multiple reasons for this. 1, I do believe that it should be between a married couple (or basically married). 2, my dad would kill both of us. 3, the thought scares me to no end. 4, he's a teenage guy and would probably just dump me afterward. There's so many other reasons, but those four are the ones off the top of my head.
My mom says we shouldn't be talking about this, but I think that it's actually important we do (since I'm comfortable enough with him to discus them over Facebook, haha). That way he knows right now that he isn't gonna get laid anytime soon with me.
So...Yeah...Basically, the idea of sex scares me. When I'm older and have calmed down a little and have myself settled out a little, maybe it won't, but currently it does.
<3 Ixia

more ranting about J.P.

I was told by L.S. that J.P. is mad that I started dating my bf on her birthday. Not anyone's fault her birthday fell on a Friday or home football game. She told me she was fine with it!
Oh and he explained why we weren't talking a lot and I went back to being happy, but also went back to eating. Dang. BUT I did not binge. I probably had 600 calories today.
I don't deserve this kid, he's too good for me. He's dealing with my craziness so nicely and is even making me feel loved. Wow. Maybe it's because I'm used to being treated like crap, but I think I really like him.
Alright. Getting off now. :) Don't wanna be tired tomorrow. Night-night

I don't really want to talk to him...

Yeah, I mean my boyfriend. The way I'm viewing things currently, he's only talking to me because there's no one else to talk to. Last night, he spent it talking mainly to J.P. and totally ignored me. And, since I started my period (which sucks), I'm super moody anyways...So I'm depressed to the point I'm not hungry. I haven't eaten since last night.
I guess that's a positive. I'm not eating. And I'll be exercising because I'll want to feel, you know, productive.
Alright, hoping off now.

Sorry, life swept me away

But I'm back now. I went and saw The Social Network on Friday with my bf. It was cool, we held hands nearly the whole time.
But now... I'm gloom. See, I am used to talking to this kid everyday. We didn't talk late last night and we barely talked today...he was too busy talking to my best friend while I was dealing with the crap her bf was dishing out. Who knows how badly I cope with that if I can't talk about it? Needless to say, I'll have new scars.
Plus side? Being this down means I've got no appatite spelled wrong.

Super Squeal

Today was bad, food wise, but other than it was great. I went to the football game, played duck-duck-goose with my friends, and got a bf. I won't tell you he's amazing, but his hugs are. He's kinda cute, taller than me, and he treats me well (which I'm saying based our friendship).
It was funny how it happened. Everyone was just telling us to ask each other out and yelling at me that he wanted to go out with me and then this kid comes up and asked if we are datinng. We looked at each other and he's just like, "It's up to you." So, I said I didn't care and then he said he didn't care and then I said something else and he was just like, "Sounds like a good plan." So that's howw we started dating. Haha, I feel bad becaiuse it's my besties birthday.
Bedtime, now, though. Night.

150.9 lbs

or, about 68 kilograms if you're not from US. How? I haven't kept to my food plans! That's not how, that's why I'm asking. Gosh...
Well, I'm losing and am not gonna complain. Oh OH! I got two, TWO, hugs from that guy who give amazing huggies. It's amazingg! I'm totally happy.
Alright, I'm hopping off. Bye! ^^

Edit 11:30PM:
If I remember correctly, tomorrow is suppose to be no cal. I'm changing that to 62.5. That's 2 1/2 servings of V-8 and I wanna be lively and keep to it. ^^ So, for lunch I'll take half a bottle(like a water bottle) of V-8 which is 25. And for breakfast, I'll have half a serving of V-8 and finally, hoping my mommy doesnt make supper before the game, I'll refill the bottle half way and drink that on the way there. This. Is. AWESOME. Except my dad's picking me up early... Uh-oh... OHOh, I'll say I had lunch at school (classic lie, I know). OK, night dears!

I'm so...spazzy right now.

First, that dude I've been a goober over...well, admitted that he does wanna date me.Yeah, I'm dense for not noticing...and I'm getting a hug from him tomorrow! He's hugs are fantastic! Second, I'm still so happy about having 5 followers. Like, that makes me happy to no end. Third...I haven't done my homework yet.
Sooo, I added more to my food plans. No, it's not weekly, which it should be, but I'm not good at planning for long periods. I'm impulsive!
Gosh, I'm gonna have to ask him what we, like, are now.Are we still just friends because I didn't say I wanted to be with him too? Or are we, like, together? I don't mind either way, just wanna know, you know.
Okayyy, homework time! Toodles, dears. I'll be commenting soon, I swear. Just let me get off this cloud I'm on.

5 followers? wow! I feel very honored!

I've been a bad follower, sorry. I'll get caught up tomorrow.
I'm so happy right now! This dude, who I can talk to on FB for hours, kept saying I was pretty Sunday (or maybe Saturday) and I almost believed him... then I looked at my stomach... Ew, looks 154ish again. So...I've been exercising more! Hummm... this calls for a fasting day. And then looowwww calories. I wanna actually be pretty, you know?
Ok, it's nearly 12:00 AM, bedtime. Goodnight!

Photo Thursday

Yeah, that's me and my big booty, arms, belly, and thighs. I got my hair redyed today, so I wanted a picture. If you can't tell, the color is suppose to red with purple bangs.Ugh, I look horrible. Fat, fat, fat all over. See girlies? This is what 151 pounds looks like. Not pretty, right? Right, even though my brother and parents think I'm one of the cutest girls at school. I guess make up helps, but it doesn't get rid of all the flabbiness.This, down in the bottom here, is my hair before I dyed it completely red. It was pink, blond, black (my natural color), and who knows what else.This is one of my better pictures of it. All of the others I'm wearing clothes that show how fat I am. Yes, I'm listening to my MP3 player here. It's pretty awesome.I look freaking crazy in this picture. Fat and crazy. And I'm wearing my TWLOHA bracelet, so I think this was on one of my bad days or a day after I had cut. And the blow dryer is plugged in. Go figure I would take such a bad picture of me. It's just, I'm not photogenic or whatever the word is(I'm not good with having my picture taken). Now, I'm really hoping I look half decent with my year book photo. Sorry about the crazy set of this post, I just don't know what to do with all these pictures.

The good from 10/10/10

1. Grammy had a working scale
2. 151, enough said.
3. I walked kinda far.
4. It made tonight seem that much cooler.
I spent tonight laughing, singing, and chattering away on facebook. One of my friends (yes, the one from the football game) decided J.R. wears crotch-high boots. He said he was shaking in his boots, so...yeah. Hey, I said thigh-high! BUT we had just been talking about prostitutes. Wow, this post is just...awkward. SO, I'm gonna get off and go to bed because it's about 12AM.

My fall fashion? Blood stained long sleeves.

Not really, but thats how it feels right now. Today was basically my personal Hell. J.P. and I got into a huge fight. Don't really wanna talk about it, but it was so bad that I got out of the van and walk about a mile. Now...well, I tore up one of the razors I use for shaving (haven't used this one yet so it's still veryy sharp) and so I now have 3 new blades. Sadly, I plan to make use of them.
BUT yesterday I bought band-aids...so.. I shouldn't stain my shirt.
I've been a bad follower lately and I'm sorry, I've been wrapped up in...me...

I'm setting myself up to fall, I know it.

I know I am, so then why? Last year, I almost hated this kid. Now... I grin when he's around, I wondered what it would be like for him to hug me(found out at the game tonight!), I want to tell him everything...So, I know I'm setting myself up to be hurt.
Alright, dude sits, like, two people behind me in health...and we started ACTUALLY talking this year because we had to go outside for this heartrate bull. I got all up in his personal space without realizing it, so when I looked up his head was, like, right freaking there. So, I did what anyone would do, took a couple steps back and said, "Wayy too close."
Now...the football game tonight...was weird. This dude's timing is just...amazing. Like, I got really down during the game and BAM! there he is, cheering me up on accident. And, and, and gosh. I think I laughed too much. His friends invited themselves to our convo when he was trying to make me feel better(or at least figure out what was up), but it was cool, fun. See, we were all sitting on the ground, our legs crossed, and one took my soda. This part is kinda awkward, but had me giggling. See, the one trying to make me feel better reached into his lap (the one who took my soda) to get it when it was by his feet. So...this caused quite afew gay (I mean no offense, just so you guys know) comments. That was the point where he kinda grinned and said he was sorry for making me deal with them. But it was fine, I needed a laugh and that's what happened!
Honestly, I've felt just amazing for the past few days, today topping all of them...so good that I totally forgot about my eating schedule. Dang. See, this is how I know I'm just gonna come CRASHING down one day...soon, probably.
Okay, I mentioned hugging this dude...gosh. It was... I'll admit, not perfect. I think he only hugged me because he figured he couldn't keep me from doing it. It was awkward, like he didn't get very many hugs from random people, but, I think I was imagining this, almost as if he didn't want to let go. Finally, after about a second, I playfully pushed him away and said, "Now get off me!"
I'm saying this is a crush or love or anything, got that? I'm just saying... I let my walls crumble and this is going to end up in severe pains....but I'm really happy right now. He treats me a lot better than some people in my life and we playfully fight all the now and we have his funeral planned (see what we talk about before health?). And it just seems so easy to, you know, forget all the pains of life when you're so happy. But...It'll end one day, won't it? I'll not be able to take it and I'll scream and yell at him and then ignore him. Yeah, it'll probably be my fault because I swear this kid DOESN'T get mad.
Ohkay, first, he said that I should just forgive J.R. Yeah, like that will happen. Then he just told me I should find different friends because I seem lonely...Sadly, I wasn't. I know, I should've been, but I've gotten so used to being alone nowadays that I didn't even really care...but I can't find new friends...because everyone I would be comfortable with, J.R. is already friends with. So, I guess I'll just float through like this. J.P. has realized how much a brat J.R. is, soo...she's kinda mad at him. Though, it'll past soon. I know it. I mean, I have other friends but they all think J.R. is A-OK except this one, we'll say he's W. W don't like J.R. and who am I to blame him? J.R. has only been a jerk to me recently. I even screamed at him tonight. Can't believe it. But I was just... I was totally ticked off. And it felt freaking great! Haha, he stole like a total girl, like seriously. Hip pushed to the side, hand on that hip, the other kept brushing at his bangs as though they were in his face(they never were). It was so funny, now that I'm looking back on it.
Sorry, I sound like a complete goober through this. I don't mean to, honestly, it just...happened.

Humm....

They'll be getting out of school soon and some sick part of me is pleased. She'll read my other blog and see what he does. Her illusion that he's a good, decent person should go right out the window! And this pleases me. To no end.
No food for me so far. But I've been fat with my exercises. Only 90 freaking jumping jacks...and that will change. I'll get everything done even if I have to stay up until tomorrow to do it.
I get mean or freaking happy when I'm not eating. But then again, that's what I did yesterday. Let anger just seep from me.
I stayed home from school today, figured everyone needed it to just chill the frick out. Though, I think it should be tomorrow that took off instead. Considering I plan to them anger again tonight. I probably won't so don't worry.
Okay, I'm gonna hop off. BYEE!

My ACTUAL post for today

Between J.P. and I it's like... it's never been. I trusted her almost completely, now I don't at all. How could I? He's got the gun and I gave her the ammo she gave him. Yet, things are more honest between us. It's obvious she's trying to get me to trust her.
But...that message carved deep, so I'm skipping school tomorrow(with parental permission) and Mom says she's getting me a councelor. Fine by me, just so long as they don't act all buddy-buddy. All my buddies either have hurt me or don't really care. If they act professional, I might just tell them everything. Maybe even pull off my hoodie and show them the cuts and scars, tell them why. Really, this might be good for me...unless someone found out. They would say I'm freaking crazy.
Better than her first segestion, though. Changing schools. I'm bad at making friends. Terrible, really. And I mean, if you change schools mid-semester or mid-year what are they gonna think? Expelled. Even if you're nice and polite they'll think that. Then she said a small Christian school. I've heard about a Catholic school. Heard they all broke the rules because there were just too many. That's teens. Most teens, I mean. Rules are there to be broken. So, I talked her out of it.
That's life currently. Don't know when I'll see someone about all this drama, but I guess I will eventually. Reminds of a song... Well, the chorus.



Haha, my current facebook status:
Please, if you have a problem with me, saying to my face. No, not my facebook, or you friends. My face. Thank you.

That lovely message from J.R.

First, I'm gonna say I didn't block J.P.'s first name because rereading this is too painful and I would have to to find her name. So, here it is. All of it. From beginning to end.

Enough
Between You and J.R.
J.R. October 1 at 9:24PM Report
I am really quite sick of your disturbing obsession with Julia. I know everything you say to her. I know that you are angry at her because she will not get rid of me. So you are trying to turn her against me. Is this some sort of game to you? What is your problem. Julia tells me that if she hugs anyone else before she hugs you especially when it comes to me you get really pissed at her.Why? What the hell is wrong with her hugging other people before she hugs you? I am in a relationship with her and that doesn't even bother me the least bit. And I saw the way you looked at me when I went and stood next to Julia and you said " I have to go to tutoring" and rudely walked away. And Julia now tells me that it "physically hurts" you that I am with her. Why? If you are cutting yourself then the only one to blame is you. I did nothing to you I merely stripped away your collapsing illusion. You were afraid. You were afraid that I or anyone else would see through your false appearense and see what you truely are. A sad, psychoctic, obsessive, dangerous girl. And you are afraid someone like me will "steal" Julia away. So the way I see it is you are either a lesbian or you have completely lost your mind. You are an anchor and will drag Julia down. You spread your negativity to others. And why? Because you want someone to either suffer the same fate as you or someone to try and guilt trip. You deserve no sympathy. You are a dangerous human being and your worst enemy is yourself. You need some serious mental help my dear =) .
Me October 2 at 5:25PM Obviously, she doesn't tell you all of it. And, even though I don't really like you, I didn't mean to give you a dirty look. If you asked me to tell you how I felt then (which I know you didn't), I wouldn't be able to give a better answer than "broken and like she would ignore me."
You don't think it, but I do have to fight for her attention when you're around and I just frickin hate it because everyone wants me to be happy for you guys and act like I feel ok. I don't spread my negativity, at least not as much as you think I do.
My cutting is my choice, I know. I'm fine with it, and really wouldn't wish it on anyone. Really, I'm not at all dangerous. Maybe to myself, but not to anyone else.
I get that I'm probably a little crazy. I've got a major fear of abandonment and I cut. Yeah, I gets it I'm crazy. :P I don't want your sympathy. If I did, I would be flashing the cuts and scars, not hiding them. .
J.R. October 2 at 5:28PM Report
So why is it that you don't like me? Because I got the truth out of you of who you really are? Or is it because I am with Julia? .
Me October 2 at 5:34Pm Idk, seeing your face just makes me wanna punch something. And then she freaking expects me to try and hang out with you guys when I'm almost certain she'll totally ignore me. .
J.R. October 2 at 5:37PM Report
So basically you dislike me for no reason...really mature. .
Me October 2 at 5:44am Ohkay, let me think of a reason...you're arrogant, annoying, accusing, probably one of the most ignorant people I know,(the ones after this are actual reasons) you don't think of how your actions will bother others, and you just came at me without knowing the whole story.
Honestly, you both act like being mean to me will eventually make me come around. It's freaking stupid. .
J.R. October 2 at 5:53PM Report
No acutally I don't really expect you to come around. Actually I told Julia that if you were bothering her enough that shes hould just leave you behind completely. I wouldn't have actually told her that if it weren't for the fact that she told me that you want her to get rid of me. That and your lesbian-like obsession over her is really scaring her. And "annoying". I fail to see how. The only time I ever even say anything to you is if you are starting your stupid drama. And that is when I confront you. And rightfully so. So I guess anyone that you piss off through out your life must be annoying because they may confront you. I only accuse when I know the facts or if I was mislead. And Julia has told me all I needed to know about all the ignorant drama you start every day of every week. And quite frankly I don't care how my actions may bother you or anyone else. I do not live to please you nor any other person I do not care for. And Ignorant? I call it out. Apparently I smart enough to dig out the truth from your pathedic false image. You are just as ignorant as I. And You are quite insane. If you are in love with Julia just admit it already. And what bugs me about you...you act as if everything is fine and then randomly some week you start this whole drama thing all over again. .
Me October 2 at 5:59PM I don't care that you guys are dating. I care that it made her change completely. I care that I'm expected to be perfectly fine and not at all upset. Honestly, if you weren't such a brat at times like this and actually tried to get info about the actual situation, I would try not to feel like I'm gonna hurl when I'm around you two and only walk off when I actually am being ignored. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:03PM Report
The only thing making her mad and making her ignore you is...you. She ignores her because you turn crazy on her. I haven't every told her to do anything to you. I told her when we were still friends that I will not persuade her to do something she doesn,t want to do. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:05PM Report
And how has she changes for the worst? Is the fact that she is happy bother you? Or do you expect her to be a nun her entire life. And stop calling me a brat like you are my parent or something. I am simply confronting you because this whole thing is really starting to piss me off. .
Me October 2 at 6:11PM No, she ignores me even when she isn't mad at me. The fact that she's happy doesn't bother me. The fact that she ignores me does! But like always you only see your point of view. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:12PM Report
You don't know what I see. Don't be a condescending bitch. .
Me October 2 at 6:16PM Obviously I've done something completely unforgivable by trying to firgure out what's up, and if it weren't you, I may say sorry. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:16PM Report
That doesn't explain why you are so obsessive over her. She even told me about you asking how she would react if you told her that you truely love her. What is that about? .
Me October 2 at 6:19PM I was being hypothetical or wondering or whatever. But I have learned never to ask her anything. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:20PM Report
You haven't answered my question. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:25PM Report
Well since you will not answer you obviously are afraid to answer me or you would have no problem answering my question. .
Me October 2 at 6:32PM I did. Obviously you're referring to a question you didn't ask or missesd the answer.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:35PM Report
Why would you ask such an odd and somewhay creepy question? And that wasn't the only thing she had told me. .
Me October 2 at 6:38PM Blah, blah, blah, she told you everything, blah, blah, blah. I didn't think she would mind and I was wondering. She should've told me herself if she did
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:39PM Report
She didn't tell me everything. None of you ever have told me the full story on anything. She also told me you wouldn't mind hanging out with us if she held you hand. ????????? .
Me October 2 at 6:42PM Physical anchor to keep me from running away and I meant once, but it doesn't matter, she doesn't have time for me.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:46Pm Report
And she never will. As long as you keep up your phsyco behavior she will always cast you out. She may even try and sort things out with you now. But you always take the wrong approach and yell at her. And don't say you don't because she just told me you called her freaking out. If you are going to be a bitch to her just leave her the hell alone. And what would you need to run away from? We are talking about going over and talking to people not petting a lion. .
Me October 2 at 6:51Pm I called and yelled, I didn't mean to, I just didn't want to seem like an idiot for crying on the phone and I called back and said sorry. Despite what you both think I dont mean to be a bad person. You try being completely alone or even told you're horrible when all you want to do is curl up and cry.
And trust me, it doesn't seem like that to you, but it does to me
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:53Pm Report
How are you alone? Who calls you horrible? You tell me all these things yet you don't give me any examples. .
Me October 2 at 6:56PM You have practically been doing it this whole time. Julia treats me wanting to know what's going on as a horrid crime even if I'm not yelling. And how am I not alone? I don't have anyone close to me that I can tell anything!
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:59PM Report
I never once called you horrible nor thought it. I think you are acting over-dramatic and crazy. You don't ever no whats going on? Ha thats a laugh. And you do have your family. Your first friends. .
Me October 2 at 7:01PM I don't. and no, I can't talk to them about anything. Saying I'm obsessive, phyco, and dangerous certainly sounds like horrible.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:06PM Report
No calling you horrible would mean that I would hate you. And I do not hate you. And why can't you talk with your family? .
Me October 2 at 7:09PM You don't have to hate someone to think they're horrible. Haha, how could I talk to them?
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:10PM Report
Just talk. .
Me October 2 at 7:13PM Oh yeah, "hey, mom, quit working on your degree, we need to talk about me cutting" would just go over grandly.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:14PM Report
I am sure your parents would find some time to talk about your health. And yes cutting is a health problem. .
Me October 2 at 7:16PM Yeah right after they threw me into the asylum and ignored me for years.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:18PM Report
Well being as obsessive as you are you obviously have some sort of mental issue. Though I do not know your parents I don't think they think of you as so worthless as to throw you in an asylum and forget about you. .
Me October 2 at 7:21PM Yeah, I never had attention. Ever since I was 18 months old and I had someone I never thought would leave and now I'm freaking alone!
J.R. October 3 at 7:18PM Report
Life will not always be a pleasent trip. You loose people. It just happens. And you haven't even lost Julia...yet. And you do have other friends you know. Like Anna and L.S.. And I am qute sure your parents aren't emotionless pigs towards you. I think you are just way to dramatic. In fact I know you are.
Me October 3 at 8:24pm Then you'll be able to deal with me saying this perfectly, shut up, I'm freaking sick of hearing your bull crap. If Julia had something to say to me, she should've done it herself, but thanks for waking me up to the fact that I can't trust my best friend. ^^

So, yeah, it's long but that's it. Now, if I refer to it, you'll know what I mean. Sorry, but I'm not gonna give out a link to J.R.'s facebook so anyone can yell at him(who would want to?) mainly because he lives too close to me and I don't want stalkers.

Adrenaline. Caffeine. Green Tea. Melatonin. Wait, what?

Gosh, I'm so tired, but I feelike I'll forget if I don't type this up now. I thought J.P. and I would start fighting again and so I got my green tea, drank some flat soda, cut, and took less than a miligram of melatonin. I can't imagine taking the whole 3 mg pill!
Well, we didn't fight, but we did come to terms. I can talk to her about feeling boarderline depressed(because she's been here) if I don't flip out at her a lot and I can trust her a little more. But I think I ruined that. I'll say why soon.
I got a lovely(not) message on facebook from J.R. telling me J.P. told him a lot of our personal convos. I think I'll post it on here in the morning when I'm not so groggy.
So, why do I think I messed it up? I said I might "heart chuu" (sounds like a sneeze). She sent me a message with lots of periods on it to which I replied, "that sounds like a sneeze" or something to that effect. She hasn't replied so I sent one saying I was just kidding. Why did I bring it up? It was the orginal topic.
Gosh, it's freaking me out that she hasn't rplied. Like she's going off and telling him... and then he'll use it to make me feel like crap one day.
Okay, I ate today. Bad girl, bad. Now, I'm gonna wash me face and go to bed, maybe.

Love

I won't admit it to myself or them. First, it would mess everything up. Second, I think I would go crazy if I admitted it to myself. Any normal person would just let go for acting so nuts, but I just... can't.
I told J.P. I would hang out with her and J.R. (because she threw this fit about how she couldn't take it anymore) if she held my hand. A physical anchor, something I like close to offset how BAD I would feel. Know what she told me? She doesn't hold hands and I can either grow up and hang out with them or be immature and pout. You have to realize that before I went to geometry tutoring, he came up and I felt like I shattered, my stomach fell out, and J.P. would completely ignore me...so I left...and nearly started crying when I got to tutoring.
OK, I ate today. So none tomorrow. Pinkie promises.

I don't mean to, I'm just a bad girl.

What I mean with the title is that I ended up carving "NEED" into my, like, bicept area.
So...my day...Ok, so J.P. went right to J.R. this morning. Well, it kinda ticked me off, but to make things worse, L.S. leaned in and told me J.R. is obviously more important, just like sarcastically. Don't ask, this crushed me. So, after basic drawing, I went to tutoring near tears. Why? I'm the only one who has to go to 8th hour, but she hugged Anna, who I was right next to and, when I decided to leave, was going to hug J.R. Hello, I'M supposed to be best friend!! And when I asked she said she "didn't see me". And now she's going on and on about how stupid and retarded I am. I know, I shouldn't hang out with people like that, but I do.
She's the only person who told me to quit cutting after they found out. lol, She thinks I have. I think... I'm gonna write "I never did" on my hand tomorrow, see if she sees/gets it. Never did what? never did quit. Why should I quit if she's gonna treat me this way? I don't care if I'm hurting myself. OR I could carve "NEVER DID" into my hand. Proof that I haven't.
Oh, no food tomorrow. I need a good day after today.
OK, toodles, getting off nows!

Edit, 10:something PM September 29,2010:
Okay, OKAY!
I have another blog. Yeah. This one is a censor of this one, basically. Censored how? No food talk. Ever. Because one of my friends (yes, J.P.) reads it sometimes. Most of the posts are short. So, if for some strange reason you wanna find out how I censor my life on there, go read it.

It's all or nothing

Thank you, Miss Sinny for the comment!! :)
Ok, so, yesterday I've found out that now I either dont eat or I eat like I normally do. So... PLAN starting Monday.
Monday-no food. Period.
Tuesday- 500, no exceptions.
Wendsday- zip food.
Thursday- 600
Friday- nada food.
Sound good? Does to me. I need to quit blaming the change of weather for not doing anything. ^^ Besides, if I only eat only fruits and veggies I can easy stay in that range. SO I'm gonna do it! Even if it hurts.
Some personal life crap that no one really care about is going to be contained in this paragraph. School is actually really good right now. No one really questions it when I don't eat lunch, I just feel weird. Now, J.P. and I are talking about religion. She needs it. Most people don't actually NEED it, but I know she needs it. So I told her that if she lets go of her religion, I'll beat/blame J.R. Ask me why. Okay, don't, I'll tell you anyway. J.R. goes on and on about how bad Christians are and how judgemental they are. I'm not judgemental, honest. But then again I'm also fine with gays. So, maybe I'm just a little odd.
I just don't know. What I do know is that he's bad for her. He's just... gosh, there's no words in my vocabulary to describe what a dirtbag this dude is. Ok, most kids our age are worried about boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, school, homework, who we're hanging out with and when, but this dude goes on about religion and politics. Like, dude, do you have no life so you go on about this so it seems like you're actually doing something with your life? I'm not, not right now anyway. Sure, I'm trying to write novels but really, when I think about it, I ain't doing crap with my life. Because it's not my place to save the world (generally because I'm 14 and realize I don't care much beyond my own little world). Honestly, there are days where I would give my left foot to be in J.R.'s place because I know I could make her happy where he makes her depressed and insecure. There are other days where I wish I could bash J.R. upside the head with something. Not to kill him or anything, just to let out some anger. Haha, I'm a good actress. This brat thinks I still like him.
Now I'm going to get off. BYE! ^^

Ugh so tiredd

Thank you, zette for the comment. I don't mean to cut, it just...happens.
So, I'm dead tired. No caffiene, no food. It's alright, though. I don't feel terribly hungry.
Pretty sure I made J.P. mad. She told me that it was awkward when she's with Anna and J.R. So I told her thats she now how I feel, and then that she didnt know because I couldn't think of anyways that it could be awkward for her. Yeah, yeah, probably not the best thing to tell her. But really, it feels awkward to be around her and him, but I want to be around her... but I don't want to feel awkward and so I won't be around him.
So, I'm gonna have soup or something for supper. I know I said no food, but I want soup, dang it and soup is generally healthy.
Ok, until tomorrow, bye.

Guilty Always

Up by elbow, in cuts, reads "Guilty" is cursive and below that, purple ink, also cursive, says "Always". But, that's not the reason for my post. I was reading this journal I keep and one entry I made when I hadn't eaten that day. I was so cheerful, so ready to not eat anything but fruits, veggies, water, and coffee. Wow... Where did that go? So I've planned no eating tomorrow!
Oh, J.P. came over this weekend and we were cool. Then, after she left, I sent her a text saying she was refreshing kind of odd, not a butthole like J.R. Her reply forced every self-hating feeling I have out of me. "and you aren't?" I get a little arrogant, when I forget just how much I hate myself.
SORRY for the lack of comments, I just... haven't been able to think of anything. I read, though, so keep posting.
Ok, goodnight! :)

All Natural or No?

Mom's thinking of getting me all natural diet pills. This was after I told her anorexics have usually been abused before and they don't realize what they're doing (though there should be a most at the beginning of this). Should I just be happy that she's gonna get them for me? Or should I have pushed for a not all natural one? I just wanna drop down to 114. Don't ask, I think obsessions run in my family and my current one is 114. Every time I ate today, that ran through my mind. Farther from 114. Tsk, tsk, you know that you got that pound from eating. Ah, I see you ACTUALLY want to be a big fatty! No 114 for you, piggie. And my mom tries to tell me I'm thin enough! I'm not thin! I'm fat, fat, fat! That's why no one's asked me out. Sure, sure, they'll all talk to me, but none find me actually pretty! Why? I'm not thin enough, and won't screw them! I'm going freaking nuts. We've been in school long enough, someone should've asked me, at least, if I was pretty, right? Right, but I'm not so they haven't. I just want someone who will hug me and devote some attention to me when J.P. is being all "OH J.R. you're the coolest thing ever!!" because at those moments I just want to go die. I want someone so I feel like I have to be tiny and pretty and wonderful at their side. I'm tired of all this, of feeling like no one wants me ever. Never ever ever. I'm sorry, I'm ranting again. Really, I don't mean to rant. Here, let's go onto the GOOD things.
Mommy got me whitening strips for my teeth so now they're gonna be all cute and white in about two weeks. That's exciting! J.P. and I are supposedly hanging out this weekend! Man, I miss the days when it was expected that she was coming over for the weekend.
I was going to post pictures today, but I can't find the camera. Curses!
Now, sweeties, I'm gonna hops off.

Questions about diet pills...

First, YAY 100 posts of nothing really meaningful.
Okay, on to the REAL reason for posting. This is for anyone who can answer.
Would you recommend diet pills? I know that at least a few of you have used them, so I really wanna know who recommends them and who doesn't.
My other question is if you're under 18, do you have to have a parent with you to buy them?
I've gained a pound since my July 12th post which I guess isn't bad, but today I'm in one of those moods...every pound counts. Maybe because with the way my hair is cut and dyed anyone would expect to see it on someone thin and otherwise pretty. I wanna be thin and pretty and at the max 114 pounds. That's barely underweight, which isn't perfect, even I know, but...Gosh, I just wanna be 114(pounds, by the way. That's about 51.8 kg).
I think I'm gonna do some research about different types of diet pills and then ask my mom, with info and what responses I get here, and we'll, you know, go from there. AND I was gonna add the picture onto this one...then I lost my camera... Otherwise I would just be flashing this BRIGHT freakin red hair all over this blog like you wouldn't ever believe.
My brother's band's playin' the ninth. J.P.'s going because her step-brother is in one of the bands playing with and I'm pretty sure that J.R.'s gonna go....so... I guess I need to make friends at this concert, huh? Because, if she has to choose, she'll pick him and I'm gonna be left alone(like always), trying to have fun by myself. Then she'll try to tell me that she doesn't like more, just differently. See, I don't rant about J.R. enough for you guys to realize this, but I hate him. He walks into a room and someone had better pray to God I don't walk over to J.R. and slam him in the eye. Like, seriously, I'm used to just having J.P.'s attention (which I liked because I'm mainly ignored at home) and now I have to fight with him to get her attention when he's talking to her over text and I'm RIGHT THERER.
Great, now I'm in one of those moods where I wanna make it look like I was trying to kill myself, so that my parents will rush me to the ER and they'll keep me over night and I won't have to go back to school for at least a day and, hopefully, J.P. will regret saying she's just done with me. All I did was tell her the trush, I'm not gonna hang out with them both because I freaking hate him. I'm freaking worthless, can't even mean more than a boyfriend.
Caffeine or cutting, I don't care which, I just want to be able to breathe. Gonna talk to Mom about diet pills WHEN she gets home. Not next week when, maybe, one of you has commented, but tonight. Maybe even right now, if she's home. I'm tired of barely being not fat and feeling like a bucket of lard. I feel huge, ugly, gross. I don't wanna feel anything other than happy again. I've felt broken too much lately; I just need some air, untainted by worry or flab, untainted by my imperfections.


EDIT Sept. 20, 2010, 10:22PM
So... J.P. and I are trying to talk through this. I don't she really gets that it just almost physically hurts to know they're together, but we have plans to hang out, a least part, of the weekend of October 8th. Yeah, that's right, that concert that I'm sure J.R. will be at. Just this once I'll try to deal with him. If his face gets punched, I was moshing and that's my alibi. But apparently telling your friend that your aura doesn't mingle well with their boyfriend's doesn't fly well. It should, especially with me, because I went from being totally fine around this fruitcake to wanting to punch him inside out. It's a while away, isn't it (the eighth)? 18 day, BUT The last book of the Vladimir Tod series comes out tomorrow! YAY! Then another one of my buddies turns 15 this Saturday!
Yes, yes, I asked. ^^ I was soo nervous she would tell me that they're unhealthy and evil and I was skinny enough and didn't need them... but she didn't really! She said I was thin enough and then I replied saying that a pound from being considered overweight is not skinny at all and I said that I exercise and eat right, so I shouldn't weigh this much. And guess what? She said she'll think about it. She's gotta go to CVS tomorrow for me anyway (I wanted teeth whitening strips), so maybe she'll cave and get me some! I pinky promise not to abuse them....much. Hehe.
Alright, I need to try to work on my ENGLISH. I've had over a week to do and haven't done none until now.
But here is a song (with lyrics) for you to enjoy.^^

Homecoming!

Alright, homecoming was funner than I thought it was gonna be. Avoided J.P. the whole time, and danced a lot, more than half the time even when nearly no one else was because the band was playing. It was great. No, I didn't dance with any boys.
The most exciting thing came before the dance when I got my hair dyed. Trust me, it looks cool now. Before and after pictures will be up soon, alright? Something to look forward to!
Gonna go, bye.

I Haven't Died.

I took a break, a small break...That's a lie. I just didn't want to get on. I'm pretty sure I have strep, and I got lucky enough to get a doctor's appointment the day that my mom calls. No problems, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. My dad is apparently short on time for one of his assignments (he be going through college) and didn't freakin take me. So my mom got one for...Fri-frickin-day. BUT!! I get out of school for it.
But, Saturday I'm tradin in black and pink hair for red...Then I'm gonna go to homecoming. Yeah, the first time anyone's gonna see it (my family doesn't count) is at the homecoming dance. I think, maybe, I'll post a picture of my current hair here (more as a reminder to me than to show you guys).
I feel like crap. Sore throat, sniffley nose, cough, tired... Total crappiness. And I'll stay up late, doing homework or writing, and get even worse tomorrow. Sounds healthy, no? Haha.
OH! We got our pieces to audition from today in choir! The choir is preforming...Hello Dolly! I'm thinking of trying for a part... It sounds fun, you know? Give me something to do. I dunno, though, I'm not nearly as good at singing as any of the other girls in our choir. My voice is dull and...flimsy and and ew. But...there's no harm in trying, right? And it'll be in the spring(that we put it on), when I've got that mind set of HAVE TO BE THIN AND PRETTY AND DON'T STOP AT ANYTHING IF IT CAN HAPPEN.
So, now you guys are all caught up with my life. The big effents in my life, anyway. And no, I'm not taking (or being taken) by anyone to the homecoming dance. My friends will be there and Mom said I should go, so I guess I'm stuck going even if I don't have a date (I'm starting to sound bleh). Oh well, it'll be fun. All my friends are gonna be there and more people have decided that I'm their friend this year (my friends' friends have decided I'm pretty cool) so there will be even more people to talk to, so I guess we're all cool.
Bye now. ^^

I'm pretty sure how I eat is based on if I go to school or not.

Like lately, sure I'll starve but only because it isn't meal time. If I don't go to school, eating seems almost fictionous. BUT I'm eating healthy... though I wanna do a 7 day fast and then go vegetarian (sorry about spelling). I dunno why, but the sudden desire to do it hit me last night. Ok, gotta go, close to school.

Would your bestie starve themself as a punishment to YOU?

This is proof I'm nuts. I'm not eating tomorrow because my friend made herself puke up her food. Told her I wouldn't eat each day that she puked, so I'm actually hoping she doesn't puke tomorrow because it would drive me crazy to not eat for two days (I'm a food pansy lately). So...that's my life right now. Oh the AC died. So it's cooler outside than it is inside. Go figure. Alright, it's 11 PM and I have school tomorrow, so I'm gonna grab a bottle of water and go to bed.

What? Stories?!

Yes, I secretly have a passion for writing. To which I began a blog of just writing and ideas for writing. If you want, go check it out, tell me how bad it is, you know, let me know that someone out there cares enough to read through it. You can find it here. My personal favorite out of the two posted already is the first one. It's very tragic and I'm thinking of adding another part to it so that the ending isn't completely sucky. Please check it out. That would mean a lot to me. Thank you for your time (yeah, I'm feeling polite).

Life changes so fast

I went from feeling maybe special to feeling lower than dirt in a matter of hours. Now? Now I wanna take half a pill of melatoin and sleep for hours and then take the other half and go right back to sleep. Not like I matter that much. My "best friend" has realized what I've known, I'm not worth it. My dad yelled at me when I went outside and yelled about fixing the bathroom door. I've been walked in on three times now, twice I was at least partly naked (this time when I was peeing and another time when I was in the shower). I need someone to just hold me and let me cry on their shoulder or for my friend to just talk to me. So I feel like I have some worth. Gosh I just...I'm sick of here. I wanna run away for a week or so, see who would miss me.
Alright, gonna get off, make a few cuts so I can tolerate myself, and then go take a shower.

I'm sooo embarassed

Can I share a secret with you guys? Of course I can, I always do. I think I've got a crush on a dude I've said (basically yelled) one word to. I won't say it except here because he's, like...old. Starting 5th year of college. A college hours (2 and a half) away. But...I don't know. I just...I'm listening to a radio station because he's DJing it.
It's kinda nice, though, because it's a change. But you can't tell anyone because I don't get crushes..at least not on guys in my school. Gosh, I feel so stupid for typing this all up, but I just... I'm going nuts. He wasn't like...super duper hot, but he was cute and he had charm and when my brother introduced me, he made me feel mature, and...I'm starting to SOUND like a dork. I'm gonna hop off before I start sounding worse.

Homecoming, don't want to, have to go

Homecoming is coming up(the 18th) and I don't want to go, not after last night. Ok, so... I found out that J.P. is showing up with J.R....meaning I'll feel awkward and unwanted from the very beginning. So... I don't want to go. But I have to. Why? Go ahead and ask why. It's because Mommy bought my dress and shoes already. Gosh, I plan to leave early anyway, even if I don't call my mom and have her pick me up.
I hate, hate, hate this. I don't wanna go, I know I won't have fun, but I have to. But...I'll feel unneeded and unwanted and gross for even showing up. Sigh, what to do..

At the football game

First half was great! I was happy...for a while. Then I caught up with J.P. She told me she was staying with some other chick, which is fine, except she could have told me that she couldn't help me find out what to do for this, like, talent show the high school has. Now I get to find out by myself!
WOOPIE FRICKIN DOO!!!!
Kill me.
Edit, 9:50 PM:
Shouldn't have stayed past half time. Shouldn't have had lunch. Shouldn't have allowed myself happiness. She's mad. Mad that I accidentally used a harsh tone when I asked if she cussed. Because cussing is bad.
I told her I'm trying to be perfect, deserving of this friendship..."That isnt what it seems." Meaning, "You're still not good enough." Meaning EFF it, I don't wanna eat. I wanna drop pounds and be pretty and smart and nice and derserving of the friendships I have.
You know when people start to say something and then say "Forget it" or "Nevermind"? I hate that. Never, ever do that to me. It makes me feel like I'm not worth knowing what you were gonna say.
Okay, gonna get off now. BYES

Goin to a...FOOTBALL GAMEE!

Thats only exciting because my friends will be there! :)
Ok, ate today like some average lard so I'm wearing a huge hoodie to cover it up. Tomorrow? Fast because a friend of mine got dumped. Yeah... She did't seem too upset, but I want a reason (other than the obvious ones) to do this. I hope, hope, hope, hope I don't eat TOO much tonight at the game, but I probably won't because it's not too popular to eat at the games!
Oh, painted my nails black today. Not in school spirit, though. I wanted to. It seemed... right this morning. Maybe because I started my period. :( BUT, my right hand looks better than my left which is funny because my right is the dominate.
Ok, gonna get off and enjoy the car ride!

Why Can't EVERY DAY be as easy as today?

I haven't eaten. At all. All day. I probably won't either. Though, I feel crummy because I lied to my grandma...but it's her fault, too, for believing it. Who eats a cinimon roll for supper? Not me! I'm gonna go walk so I don't feel tempted to eat. =3 Have a good night everyone!

Added around 11PM
Mom made me cry. How? She kept telling I was wrong when I explaining a freaking theocrcy or however the freak you spell it! I even locked myself in the bathroom until I wasn't crying (crying makes me ugly). Yeah, I cry when I'm super frustrated. Like, was she holding the book, looking at the freaking paragraph it was in?? NO! It's for a test too!
Whatever, goodnight .

Totally forgot to run yesterday.

Because I was so tired. Like, no joke. So, I went to bed around five and woke up when my mom got home at a quarter til six. I yelled at her because she didn't answer me when I said it normally and, for no reason, I was in a horrid mood. Maybe I stayed up a few more hours, I dunno. It doesn't matter, I felt like crap. Okay, I'm one of those annoyingly smart kids who tend to remember every useless fact you tell them and they only need to read something once, maybe twice, to get it. Well, last night, with my physical science homework, I had to read the sentences at least five times, maybe more, before I actually got them. Somehow talked my mom into letting me stay home. Went to bed at ten, woke up this morning around ten thirty.
So, here I am. Would be out running, but Dad has this no going outside thing if I stay home sick. It makes sense and everything, but that doesn't mean I like it.
Gosh, I love comments. Seriously, all of them make me smile.
Really kinda hoping that I get text messages from all the people who have my phone, asking if I'm ok. Seriously, they're the reason I wanna be thin, pretty, perfect. If only I could quit screwing it all up. Yeah, it seems silly because most of you out there are doing it for you, but, like I said before, I want them to be proud to introduce me to people they know.
Homecoming is coming up soon...Should I go? I already told this one chick I was going, but one of my guy friends DEMANDED I go, which really makes me NOT want to go. Yeah, I don't take demands from guy friends very well, especially from this brat who know nearly nothing about me. BUT most of you are older than me, so I want your opinion. Should I go even if no one asks me to go with them?

I AM going to start running.

I'm going to do it! I'm going to eat less because I've been eating like hugo pigo today. Heck, I wanna go for a run right now because my other option is school work. Gosh, I have to work off this fat... Really, I wanna be PERFECT for my friends. So they can be proud and able to say, "See that pretty chick? I know her," about me.
My day? It's been boring. Got up, realized that everything clean didn't fit, worked out a bit (If that's what you could even call it), got dressed (yes, in the order), went to school, got homework, came home, around seven went back to school because my silly choir teacher had a meeting, signed up for stuff, signed up to buy a choir hoodie (large one), came home, and now, I'm avoiding my homework.
Okay, while I was watching the food channel today, I realized that I thought more about wanting to make the stuff than eating. Everyone says that the food channel makes them hungry, but I don't get hungry. Wanna go for a freaking run, but I'm not gonna. Have to get ready for tomorrow and stuff. GAH! Maybe I will as soon as I get home from school. I mean, Mom got me PE clothes a semester early, might as well use them, eh? Haha.
Tomorrow after school. Promise.
Night. ^^

All I can do is hope

Hope for what? Me not screwing up these 90 calories. 10 are from a near microscopic piece of a cookie the rest are half of those personal cartons of chocolate milk (or whatever it is).
Still feel all depressed like, but that's because my friend isn't talking to me which makes me remember that she doesn't talk to me when she's mad and then I think she's mad at me. Yeah, told you I'm clingy. REALLY clingy. And I even told her that she made me feel like I needed a boyfriend because she makes all these lesbian comments (like, she said I sounded like one in this blog I had and she said I acted like her wife, asking where she was and then getting mad). In less important news, I'm mad at her ho-ish boyfriend. I dunno why, but now when I see him, I get this boiling, burning feeling of hatred. Maybe because she can do better than that jerkface?
Okay, reply to zette's comment! I'm actually horrible to my hair. It's naturally black and I've bleached at least part of it white and then right after dyed the bleached part pink. AND my mom usually isn't too bad. Sure, she doesn't get when I want to be left alone, but last night was because she was really tired.

Stress and I don't Mix

Tore out some of my hair, tore apart my room, tore through my backpack, threw crap, and why did I do all of this? I couldn't find my locker keys. Sure, I looked calmly at first, opening the pockets that they're usually in (the two front pockets on my backpack) and then went and looked through my icky, dirty jeans pockets. They weren't in either place, so I went to my mom and by this time I'm panicky that I can't seem to find them. Very quickly, I ask if she's seen them. She says no and asks me if I've looked in all of the places that I should've looked before going to her anyway (my jeans pockets, in my backpack). That makes me slightly mad that she didn't offer to help find them, so I jogged through house, now in full panic mode, rip open the two pockets of my backpack, throw crap off the stool I have in my room, just in case I put them there, throw clothes around in the area where my dirty clothes are, then jumped onto my bed and over to this drawer I have on the floor, throwing crap every which way until my hand brushed against them. Needless to say, my hair and room look horrid.
Oh and I still have homework, so I'm gonna get off and do that.
Toodles.

I'm on the last string,

and need to be perfect. Solution? I need to get rid of this fat, so no food until I'm thin enough to make people stare. None until I feel perfect. Nothing until I'm good enough.
And now you're all probably thinking that I can barely do that for one day, I won't be able to until I feel perect. but I will, no matter what. I just no one blames themself.

Woke up to...

That amazing, starved feeling and yet...last night's depression carried over too. I guess it's finally sinking in that J.P. doesn't want to talk to me and we are super best friends. J.R. said that this shouldn't make me feel like dying, that it didn't make him feel like dying, but I feel like a piece of me, an important piece, was stolen.
The only silver lining I can find is that I'm one of those odd people who don't eat when they're sad. I simply don't feel like it. Kinda depressing that THAT'S my silver lining.
I keep expecting someone to text me, telling me I'm worth something, but they don't know how low I'm feeling. Actually, a part of me doubts that anyone would even if they knew.
Okay, I have to go start my morning and drink, like, a gallon of water to shut my stomach up. Hope you guys are having better days than me. Bye.

I Don't Get on Facebook to be Insulted.

But that's what my friend's, who's being a total ho, boyfriend is doing. I feel near tears, but I'm still typing this tough, ticked off persona. Can someone just kill me? Oh, and he says I blame everyone else. Haha, Cause I don't spend over half my time hating myself! Screw it, I'm gonna hop off there, cut up...Somewhere, dunno yet, and just curl up in my room, sobbing. I need someone who will listen, but both of them are taking the others side and I just wanna die. Can someone kill me? I can't starve right, can't make anyone happy. I just wanna effing die. So, I'm gonna get off soon and go cut and starve and wallow in my selfpity. Or, maybe just drag the computer into my room, continue the convo, listen to music, cry, cut, hope I die, freak the dog out, and try to get rid of a little of this self hate that I'm apparently amazing at hiding.

Ugh, I'm so fatt

Can't go one dinky day without food. It used to be so much easier! But now I'm too fat.Worse, our scale is being evil and telling me I'm crazy things like 168 and then 142 and UGH I know I'm not 142. I wish I was. It would be amazing.
OK, I'm gonna hop off and be a fat little piggie.

J.P.

I got ticked at her because we were talking about she barely eats, but has a normal weight, yet used to brag about being 98 pounds (she's 5'3" and this was back before I went semi-insane). Then she sent a text saying, sarcastically that she's such a horrible person. Haha, that made me snap. This is the text I sent to her:
"Screw it! Im sick of eating, of it being a deal, of everything! Im sick of how painful life is, of how i feel everything is my fault, of how you act like nothing between us could possibly be your fault, of how i feel like i should somehow be better!"
Worst, probably, mistake ever, but it's all true and I felt like my chest would explode. Then, as though to make life worse, I'm too fat to fit into size 9 skinny jeans. So I started on my work out list that I have to get done before I go to bed (says me).
I feel like I'm suffocating, like I could die any moment and not a soul would notice until I started stinking. My butt's huge, my thighs are fat, my arms are horrid ugly, I have a double chin, my tummy makes me look pregnant, and worse of no one tell me otherwise. Yeah, you guys have people who say you're pretty. No one thinks it when they see me.
Sorry, that's me, breaking down mentally. I thought it would be fair to share it. Now, I'm going back to working off all the ickiness that I consumed today.

(80th post ^^)

Started a fast today.

And to get through lunch without anyone complaining, I drank this tea that's 100% natural (about 35 calories) and had a VERY tiny piece of one of those string cheese sticks(guessing about 10). I only ate it because the girl who gave it to me was, like, intently watching me after telling me I wasn't going to get away with not eating it (not exactly like that). Now...the real challenge begins...Being home, with my family for the weekend.
Oh, oh! This morning I did 50 sit ups (I has a flubby tummy) and, like, 70 jumping jacks to wake up and then I did that bicycle thing for about 30 seconds (because I had to also get ready for school). And I did, gosh, six push ups! SIX!!
So, I've had, about 50 calories (5 from gum) today...Hum... Gonna go walk the dog so I'm not too terribly tempted to eat anything. Wouldn't it be horrible if I took the money I have (all $23) and bought food? And ate and ate and ate...This is starting to sound like a nightmare, so only A dollar for a diet, no calorie soda. Haha, this feels like plotting the downfall of the world or something silly.
Today was actually kinda horrible. Like, two of my teachers gave me candy...and I have a horrible sweet tooth. BUT I'm gonna keep them OUT OF SIGHT so I don't just go nuts and devour them without even thinking!
Still looking for ways to work my arms, so please, please, please, please give me suggestions! Mom's said we CAN buy some weights! YAY!
Okay, gonna go walk tubby dog and get nice exercise and a soda and I'm gonna be super duper happy today.

EDIT:
I'm so ticked with myself!! Screwed up my fricking fast. Remind me to NEVER even THINK I'm doing ok! 150 sit ups and 500 jumping jacks and 50 push ups before I go to bed. Sound good?Not really, I should do more. And then I'm not gonna eat starting tomorrow until wendsday!No matter how hard.

FRIDAY!!

Yay! Now, when school is over, I can come home and sleeep. For hours! This week has killed me! I stayed up until midnight checking and commenting on blogs and then I woke up at 6:45. It killed me, but it's understandable that I would use "unlimited web access" for this while the computer's internet is deadd. Alright! time to get off my butt (which I exercised to wake up along with my arms and tummy) and get ready to leave for school! Good morning and goodbye!

Losing sleep

I've got a question that's got me losing sleep (though it shouldn't). OK, so, that area above the elbow, below the shoulder is where a lor my flab seems to gather. What are some ways to get rid of it? My arms looks disformed because I have tiny wrists (actually, they're just kinda small) and flubbery upper arms. So... HELP please. What are some ways to get rid of that flubbiness? This isn't really a weight loss thing; it's a holy cow, this area is fattt thing. Thank you (for at least reading this!)

RAWR, SCREW IT!!

I'm a freakin pansy! We get strawberries and cream cheese and cookies, and I'm going, "okay, I had Friday and Saturday planned, so I don't REALLY have to do this." But I also feel like I have to, just to keep up with a freakin size 7. Yeah, I'm 5'5 and a half who wears fricking size 7 jeans. I've got huge thighs and a huger butt. I hate it!
Ok, gonna go so I don't depress anyone. Remember to stay cheery even if it seems bad. ^^ Toodles!

Should I?

Or should I not? Quizes tomorrow, or maybe just one, but should I? It seems so tempting to do. What I'm questioning is basically a midweek (kinda) fast. I would have half a slice of bread (30 calories) to keeep my mommy from being super suspicious then water, water, water (maybe a milk at lunch, wait, no, it has 170 calories) and nuthin else. Man, it sounds so... amazing, tempting, astounding, and... dangerous (I think?) to have one tomorrow and then one Friday and Saturday.
Oh and I'm gonna start running again No ifs ands or buts because mine is getting big(butt, I mean).
Gonna go to bed now! ^^ Just a BLAH about life. (at least it wasn't a total ramble!)

Weekend Fast, maybe?

So, since I completely screwed up the past two days, I'm thinking of fasting Friday, Saturday, and maybe (if I don't feel completely screwed up) Sunday. So, for me at least, this means water and diet soda and nonsugared tea (which is something I haven't since July) and MAYBE (if I'm desperate) one nondiet soda. Sounds...painful, haha.
Now, I'm going to leave you until tomorrow. Need to keep a journal just in case I, like, stop actually coming on here (does that seem possible?). NIGHT!

Today made me just feel....VERY happy.

First because we were singing I Got A Feelin' by The Black Eye Peas. I mean, come on, having a room full of high schools practically rocking out to that song and having me who seems to get her...emotions(I guess?) from the people around me. It was simply amazing...and then I had to go to GEOMETRY (which was actually easy).
THEN I got THREE hugs today! THREE! All from different people. And my dad was there ON TIME so I didn't freak out about how I was going to get home.
Now, I hop on here to tell you guys I made it through the school day with only consuming 320 calories and I've got a new follower of my blog and that was better than any hug because it's just, like, YES!!! I'M KINDA INTERESTING TO ANOTHER PERSON!! I swear, I feel like running through the house, squealing. Haha, now I'm realizing I haven't really given you guys basic info on myself. So, here we go! ^^ Excitement!!
Strange info about IXIA!!

1. I am 14 years of age (though you wouldn't be able to tell if you saw a picture of my, I look older.)
2. I am 5'5 and a half. That half DOES matter to me because I come from a family of people taller than me. Seriously, the only people shorter than me are my wayyy younger cousins, my grandmas, and my mom.
3. I'm a freshman in HIGH SCHOOL. Not college, which I see in a lot of other blogs. No, I'm really young and in high school.
4. I have what is called Chronic Daily Headaches. Basically, it's a continuous headache.
5. In case you didn't know, I cut. This truth actually makes me feel like crap because the longest I've gone since I started (at the end of April) is less than a month.
6. This year ticks me off because I got into all of the advanced classes EXCEPT the one I wanted.
7. I don't cuss. I get close to in some of the words I say/type, but I don't cuss.
8. One of my main fears is being stalked. Not kidding.
9. Writing is this, like, the only thing I do well.
10. I THINK my weight is 151. But I'm stressing that THINK there because I'm also pretty sure it's more.
11. Stripes. I love them.
12. Since seventh grade (spring break, actually), food and I have had this weird relationship where for a while I would avoid eating (in front of people or at all) and recently that relationship is really bad.
13. I love singing and SOMEHOW (methinks the teacher was high when she did my audition) made the high school choir. Everyone goes on and on about how hard it is to get into the choir.
14. I have a major sweet tooth, so saying no to chocolate and crap is hard.
That's all I can think of. AND seriously, if you have music to suggest, don't be afraid to! I listen to a little of everything.

Hahaha

Good morning! So, I've already laughed today. Yep and I'm gonna tell you why. So, I woke up feeling like I was starving from hunger, so I got a 100 calorie yogurt. After eating half of it, I decided I should make it last. Well, after reading a few pages in the book I'm reading, I got up to get another bite and just before I picked up the spoon I nearly puked. Isn't that gross? Haha, I thought it was funny, like a sign to not eat the yogurt. That's all I gotta say except that I have a boat load of homework I should be doing, but don't really wanna.

Final Calorie Count?

780. Yeah, it be very high, but not over 800. I'm hoping I can only have 700 tomorrow and then 600 through the school week and then, maybe 300 on the weekend and back to 600 for the school week. Sound fun? Yes, yes it does. Now, I'm going to got. Bye, bye!

I feel....Demonic.

Which is my new favorite word so I don't really use it how it's supposed to be used. It means something is really cool/awesome/generally good unless I use it how it's supposed to be used. Okay, now that I'm done explaining my odd word choice on to why I'm posting.
I found a shirt I wore in the THIRD GRADE. I was so fat in the third grade that it fits all baggy. And my mom went on and on about how I was so chubby back then and now I'm not. My thoughts were along the lines of, "If only you saw me through my eyes..." I've gotten really pitiful. Happiest day of my summer? When I got up one day, stepped on the scale and was.... 149 point some stupid number like 8. No joke.
Power to those of you who WANT to lose weight, but for me I don't want to, it just feels...mandatory. Like, you have to be thin to be in high school or some dumb crap like that.
I'm sorry if I rant. My friend told me last night that I can be really stressful and so I had to fake happy even though I felt totally depressed. The things I do for my friends. LUCKILY it was only over text message so it was really hard to pretend I understood, I was happy, I cared. When really, I was slicing open my mouth and back. Yeahh, I don't know why either. Oh and I was drinking soda that way I could actually be happy with her. I was acting like I didn't care that she had ignored at this, like, carnival we went to and that I understood that she had missed her boyfriend soooo muches even though it had only been a week and that it didn't bother me that, even though I'm her best friend, he's more important. But today, I just can't do it. I can't even fake total happiness for her because, quite frankly, I'm not all that happy myself.
Today.... I'm trying to put music on my MP3 player. It's sooo hard to do. I can't think of anything! OH, I'm also....COMMENTING ON BLOGS and stuff today. Because I feel like talking to...people, in general.
OH OH OH! I'm thinking of just eating breakfast this semester because I don't have PE. Yeahhh, I needed a semester of health, so I decided to get it over with.
Calorie intake for today= probably 200-300. Yeahhh, probably should eat a little more.... but it feels good. OH! And I took a long walk today and and and I'm planning on doing some crunches and jumping jacks and push ups. Gosh, look at what these blogs do to me, get me all hyped up when I'm feeling down.
Feel free to suggest songs!
Can't think of anything else that needs to be said, so I'm gonna hop off now!

I'm back....Gah.

So, I let one of my friends go. Haha, that sounds funny. She told me that her boyfriend makes her feel likes matters. Gee, thanks. So, I figure she'll be happier without me there. Oddly enough, it left me feeling depressed. Like, CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES!! depressed. So.... I don't know if I'll keep bouncing in and out or if I'll actually stay and give into all the urges I've been resisting.
Freshman now in high school. Boy oh boy. I've lost my schedule already. Gonna have to run up to the office (with a dollar, just in case) and get a new copy. At least I haven't lost my keys to my locker...yet. Haha. Can't wait until "Basic Drawing" on Monday. I sit to one of the coolest people in that school and she makes me just grin because she's so bubbly.
Got a new MP3 player because I screwed the other one up so bad it can't charge. Dun really know what to put on it, but I'm totally thinking about it. Maybe sad songs? Haha, yeah. But of course, I've got to have bouncy songs, those songs that you hear and HAVE to dance to or it seems like a waste of song. Yeah, one or 99 of those. OH! and Three Days Grace for those moments when I wanna punch someone's face in or just scream at the world for being too screwed up!
Okay, so last night I hung out with one of my friends, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's friend. I think I like having him around when they decide that a week is AGES and have to ignore me who is walking RIGHT BEHIND THEM! Jerk.
I've been acting like nothin' can hurt me around her, but everything does because I'm just a stupid sensitive person. Everything matters even if I don't. I suddenly feel...poetic. Like, dance in moon rays, the rain, screaming my lungs out until my throat is raw, then breaking down, crying for some sanity kind of poetic. Which I could translate to beautiful, but angry and then desperately sad and frustrated.
Well, I'm gonna go for now. Toodles. =3 I'll get all nice and caught up with what I've missed on YOUR blogs when I get internet in my room and have the night to spend reading them. Really missed everyone. ^^

I'll Admit Nothing and Everything

I'm avoiding this place like it's the plague because maybe, to me at least, it is. BUT that's not the reason for this post. One of my friends told me that another one of my friends was cutting. Do I poison the minds of people I meet?! When I asked, she admitted it, but told me she quit. I asked her why, made this huge deal of it and went so far as telling her that if she just told me because, I would feel insulted. One of my other friends wants me to quit, and for that reason I want to quit cutting, but it's one of those things that I do when I feel I have no control, when I'm powerless to control anything but how much pain I put myself through. I know that even if I try not to cut when I feel like that, I'll do something else, something more self destructive. Maybe I would go back to how I was this summer. Starving instead of cutting. Really, it's a tough choice. I'm not proud anything I do, but... it felt like a safety net. It's a bad reason, I know, but that's what it was. Cutting, making myself bleed, tossing food out the window, grinning at hunger pains, it was a need to feel like I could be something more than I am.
I don't think I could explain it to anyone who hasn't been through that need to feel like you have some control in your life. Cutting is like...my scream in a silent world. A scream in a world where silence is expected and anything but is punished. My cutting is that silent scream that says something is breaking, something is not right. My cutting is a scream that challenges the silence, but can't beat it. `The scars that dance on my legs are the screams of me, giving in to the pressure both parents put on my, the healing cut on my wrist is that final defiance of a selfish child, trying not to share their favorite thing. Hidden scars, healed up finally, on my feet scream of childish longing to be a happy family. All of them have some hint of loneliness that I was...am trying to push away. Each time I look at the scars I feel a sense of failure. I did this to me, no one forced to pick that up, I did it. I'm still wondering how to cover up the scars on my thighs during PE next semester.
Okay, okay, I'll get my sorry butt to bed now.

Try going through life feeling alone

I'm sure most of us have had a few days where we feel totally by ourselves even if we aren't. I'm a selfish brat. I'm such a selfish brat that I'm mad my friend spent an hour and ten minutes more with her "boyfriend" then she did with me, her supposed-to-be best friend. I'm such a selfish brat that realizing this makes me want to curl up on the floor and start crying. I'm sch a selfish little brat that I wait quite a few minutes to reply to her text messages. Yeah, I'm pretty set on letting you guys know I'm a total selfish little brat.
I told myself I wasn't getting back on here, but I'm so sick of feeling alone, so here I be.


Edit- 7/29/10 11:40ish
I'm that kid who smiles, but under all that they're a wreck. Under that they're screaming. Under that, they're crying. Under that they're seething mad...still. Under that...they are pleading for a way out or a safety net to catch them when they jump.
When I'm with people, I can be so happy, honestly, but when I get home...it all crashes down. I know this for sure..because I'm dealing with it now. I saw one of my best friends today. She gives awesome hugs. And I'm told I give awesome hugs, so when we hug, it's a mash of awesomeness. But that's not why I'm telling you about her. I saw her and a couple of her friends. We had a blast being...high schoolers in Wal-Mart, but on the way home, I realized how depressed I feel, what(and how much) I ate, and how much I hate that my "best" friend is with who she's with. Generally, I felt broken. Yep, I'm clingy with people, I think. That's why it scares me to think that I CAN date. I get too close to people is short amounts of time...but then I come and feel broken, not right. I asked my friend if she was alright. Man, I wish one of my friends would do that for me and then let me rant without it exploding to an argument.

Writing...

Seriously, I haven't really thought about getting on because I've been writing. It's crazy. OH Wait, I've been doing other things. Like, I went to the air port and got my cousin and I watched, like, 7 episodes of the first season of Degrassi. I wish I could say the first seven, but number seven wouldn't play so I skipped over it to number 8. Okay, I'm going to go write a little more.
OH I got super bored, like you wouldn't even believe, and did THIS:

The Epic, Melodramatic Tales of Mistcreek

I'm feeling evil today...

I've taken one of the many story ideas that run through my head. Now, I'm thinking up my main characters and one of them seems really...perfect. First thought through my head when I realized that? "We're going to rape her." It's the caffeine, I swear, but I DID already have it in my mind that SOMEONE was going to be raped. Just because the story was going to be a VERY dramatic high school with EVERYTHING going wrong(because for some reason that's how I think my high school experience will be). This is what I get for being a strange person. I think of the worst things.
I felt as though it should be announced to someone how messed up I and my family and friends wouldn't find it as amazing as I would that I think so far ahead sometimes.
Okay, I'm gonna get off and work on it.
BYES! ^^

EDIT 7/20/2010, 5:42PM:
Okay, so I changed that character's...character. Yeahhs. Now she's a little less perfect...but lots of crap ish going to happen to her. I swear to yous.

Here I come, crawling back...

After today of forcing myself to eat "normally" and exercising and still watching the numbers on the scale crawl back up, I freaked out. My stomach has hurt sooo much today. For some reason, it sent off the freak out alarm in my head. Don't ask me why, I don't know.
My pansy work out:
Total of 130 sit ups
Total of 44 push ups (my arms are just really weak for some reason)
Total of 110 jumping jacks
and 50 leg lifts on each leg.
Add in playing with my small dog, chasing her around the house, and a little bit of walking around.
So, we didn't go to any yard sales, I wanted to throw a temper tantrum because I'm BARELY a seven in my jeans and all of the cute skirts were size 5 or 3. Why would I want skirts? Well, they seem more girlie than shorts and I hate how I have knee high and above the knee socks and NO ONE can see them because of my pants!
Anyways, I waggled my butt into my first size seven jeans.They're a little tight, but someone shoot me if they don't fit by school. Which... I think we register for August 6. Gosh, I feel like I'm gonna be so messed up by time school starts that my family is going to disown me or some stupid crap. Downing coffee even though the AC has died, worrying so much about my weight, trying to shrink away. Maybe I am just messed up. I'm babbling.
Goodnight. sigh.