Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Eff food, eff me, eff everything! I probably had close to 800 calories today. Yeah, I'll admit to it. Sure, that's not horribly terrible, but it is when you're shooting for only 500 on your good days and I totally thought today was going to be one! I'm sooo tempted to stay up until everyone goes to bed because the only thing I've DONE today is, like, 10 push ups! Sadly, I can't. Movie tomorrow at 10. Haha, my life likes 10's it seems. So, I'm waking up at 8:30 because my ride is going to be here at 9-9:30. Yes, in the morning. And while it is just my friend and we'll be in a movie theater, I'm going to be... well, hehe, me. A couple bows that I got for my birthday, pigtails with some bangs out so my face looks less fat, some eye make up, some powder. Probably will be too tired and will do just the hair crap, but still. Yeps, I'm not a morning person. Mornings and I are like... a chocolate, caramel, cake, ice cream mixture. Not good. I should soo be asleep right now because of my hatred for mornings, but lack of sleep excites me. Which sounds weird, but even before I started waking up 2-3 times before I would crawl out of bed, I loved not sleeping well. It numbed everything if I worked it right.
Actually, I think this past year, I've been looking for someway to control something in my life. Toward the end of May, everything got all messed up. My dad, without anyone except himself behind him on this decision, move my 21 year old, nonverbal (and autistic, I thinks) brother in. Everyone of us acts like it doesn't matter, but my 17, almost 18, year old brother, Andrew is gone more, my 19 year old brother hates coming home from college, and I just hate being here without music. But sometimes, all it leaves me wondering if what I'm doing is just a cry for attention....then I mentally slap myself and tell myself, "You've gone this long without loads of attention. This is not for THEM! It's for you, us, ME!" Yeah, I sometimes think of myself in plural. It's kinda weird even for me.
Haha, sometimes, I imagine my mom seeing the thinspo I look at. I imagine her asking how I can see beauty in them.Anytime I imagine this, I imagine replying, "Because they have control of what they eat where I lack it." and that reply feels right. No, it doesn't sound right, it feels it. Which means more.
Thinspo Pictures, Images and Photos
thinspo Pictures, Images and Photos
thinspo Pictures, Images and Photos
And this one just because I feel like I can relate.
thinspo Pictures, Images and Photos

Goodnight. Stay strong, it will pay off.

EFF IT! Moives!

That is a very comical title, actually. Okay, so, I'm gonna start with the good. Only 300 calories today. and I didn't wake up at one like usual. I woke up at... Ten and at the latest eleven. The bad news? One of my effing friends wants me to go see Eclipse with them. There are two-three reasons this is bad. One is popcorn and the butter and crap on the popcorn. I could avoid eating it by saying I hate popcorn, but the mere smell of it drives me to near insanity. Another reason is I just don't like the Twilight saga. Not really a good reason because I've seen the past two. Another reason is my pitiful need to mix all the sodas. Oddly enough, it tastes good.
I'm not really sure what to do. I could tell her my mom said no, or I can suck it up, get a diet soda when I go, and not eat the popcorn. I think I'll suck it up just because of who asked. Yup, the one person I wanna see and haven't gotten to at all this summer. Okay! Gonna go ask Mommy!
Wait... If I have soda at the movie without food... I get... bouncy. Like, crazy gigglie and wanting to bounce up and down on my seat and point out stupid things to whoever went with me.
Oh well, she knows how gigglie I get. She can deal.
Gonna go ask now! Woo!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Okay, so, I'm back.

I feel fattt, but luckily rejecting food isn't hard today like it gets some days. Meaning tomorrow it is going to be horrid to do. My friend left meaning going back to how I usually eat is going to be so easy. We have about 12 things of water left and some more in my room. We have diet Mountian Dew around like it's...candy. Speaking of, I had a whole bunch of that the day I went shopping...then I had cake. Yeahh, I've got a lot to undo and it's gonna hurt like crud to undo. Amazingly, I've got the drive to actually want to do it. I need a shower.
OH! Right, I need to post pictures from my birthday party. Luckily, all the cake seems to have disappared. We had pizza last night. My choice. Yeah, I'm stupid. Well, sweeties, Dad's home Gotta go.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Birthday

Oh yeah, it's effing amazing.. Spending it by myself or with my family. What's the difference from any other day? The loneliness that's killing my want to eat and making me cranky because I refuse to cry on my birthday. I just wanna go back to bed already. Who cares are cake, ice cream, people I see everyday being the only people there, and presents?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

As carved in my leg,

Happy fourteenth birthday, me. I hope choking on loneliness is what you wanted because you're gonna be getting loads of it.
My thighs look like a war zone. I even tried to carve in save me, but it only came out as a scrape. Guess nothing is gonna even try. Alright, let's get this screwier than me day over. I just realized how fat my thighs are. It's gross! Not even kidding!
Ok, really going to bed. I swear.

I'm bing a total witch to my friend

I swear, only one post today. So, besides what I ate and how much I ate, the shopping trip was...fun. Really fun, actually. But, I got home and felt like total crap because of all the crap I ate. So I'm cranky. Meaning, I feel as though I'm gonna be totally ticked at my friend if she sees her boyfriend BEFORE she sees me on MY birthday. Yeah, yeah, tell me it really shouldn't matter that much and everything, but it matters to me. It matters to the point that I'll fake sick to get out of her party if she does it or if she doesn't bother showing up to mine. Yep, I feel like I'm being a total witch. I just wanna scream at her and show how ticked I am that she didn't come with me today. She was ticked when I accidentally broke plans we had made about six months before it happened, I'm effing ticked. These plans, us going shopping around my birthday, were made a year ago. And, hello, friends before whoever your dating? Especially when you say that said friend is your "best friend".
Sorry, I've been upset the past couple of days so I haven't commented on anything. BUT I've been reading and keeping up and all that. Which really isn't exactly the same.
I dunno about anything anymore. I just wanna forget how to eat, but when I think of that I think of this episode of Spongebob Squarepants where Patrick says something along the lines of, "Spongebob, we have a problem." and Spongebob's reply is, "Did you forget how to eat again? I'll get the funnel!" Yeahh. But what I was actually going to say was, I wanna just forget how to eat so that I don't have to have cake, ice cream, and then dinner tomorrow. I feel crappy as is. I can't take three straight days of this. Yeah, my eating has been funky. I'll have one day where the very thought of going over 400 is enough to bring me to tears, but then the next I'll be like, "How many are in this? Who, really, cares?" Yeah. Today was, sadly, one where I feel like crying because I soooo totally went over 400. I don't even wanna know how many because I know for sure I'll start bawling.I don't know what the eff is wrong with me.
That icon has me going, "You can think it all you want, but if you don't actually do something, it won't happen either way." But again, I'm just being a little witch.
Ohkay, let's talk more about what I got on my shopping trip so that I don't make someone else totally ticked at me. I got, like, five or six books. A shampoo, a body wash, a body stray, and lotion, socks, nail polish, arm warmers, and a shirt. I got four different colors of nail polish and once I get everything unwrapped and all that tomorrow (because my mommy wrapped some so that I can feel special) I'll take pictures of it all so you can actually see what I got. YAY!
Ohh, my mom was soo excited. The Bath and Body Works place was having a sale. Seriously, it was a sale of everything. Most of the stuff was 50% off and other things were, like, 5 for 10 dollars. Apparently it's usually a very expensive store. It smelled good, haha. I spent foreverrr in Hot Topic. There was a pair of pants that I wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'm too chicken to actually wear them. They were leopard print, and, like, hot pink. I got my shirt, bracelet, two of my four nail polishes there, my shirt, socks, and and and loads of hair things from there. We also went to Claire's. Haha. I got more nail polish, socks, and the arm warmers. Before all of this, we went to Barnes and Noble. I spent the most money there. I replaced Impulse (some girl on the bus borrowed it and never gave it back), got a manga (it was cutee!), bought books 4&5 of Cirque du Freak, and got the book after Devouring and I can't remember the name of, and Lord Sunday which is the final book in The Keys to the Kingdom series.

Gah, no, bad. Quit acting like something is wrong, me. Sent this to my friend:
"shut up, i already know im a crappy friend who should quit getting excited over doing crap with my friends because, naturally, they dont want to hang out with an ugly, annoying, possessive brat!" Quit sending text messages that prove that you hate yourself and can clearly see why people hate you, even those who pretend to care. Wow, I must be effing amazing or some bull. I think I'm the only whore on this whole planet who makes their best friend so ticked at them that they don't wanna be around the person the day before said person's birthday.
Whatever, I'm getting off for an hour and then I'm gonna get on, wish myself a happy birthday and then sleep like I've been drugged.

How the eff am I suppose to do this?

Am I still suppose to be excited, happy? Or should I be excited with a hint of sad? But, I'm not either. There's this tight feeling in my throat and stomach and I feel like I need to take my anger out on someone. Someone other than my friend who went to Missouri who I texted, "there, now you can be happy. (Insert name of other friend) cant go and im thinking of just not having a party!" I didn't mean to snap at her and she didn't even do something to deserve it, but I just needed someone to yell at. No one, not even me, gets it. I need to feel special on my birthday which, sure, isn't tomorrow, but it was close enough. And my friend, the one not in Missouri or at camp, acted like something was wrong, so, being the caring friend I am, I asked what was wrong. "Something I don't wanna talk about." You know what? Fine. I'm dropping it then. If you aren't gonna tell me after very plainly saying something is wrong, then I'm not going to care.
I should go to bed. I should be happy that we're going at all. I should be a lot of things, but I'm just upset, one of the things it seems I shouldn't be. And now I'm telling one of my old friends just how crappy it all seems. I shouldn't because she actually seems a little happy about it, but I can't help it. I'm being self-centered right now. Yes, I'll admit it. I'm being self-centered! Sure, not for the first time, but I'm also being a drama queen so just leave me alone. Give me a melatonin pill or two or three and just let me sleep the whole effing week and when I wake, don't remind me of my birthday. Let me pretend that whatever I dreamed that effing week was the real deal. Let me fall into a zombie mode where food and life in general are forgotten. Let me forget. Haha, yeah, like anyone would let me do that. They would give me some bull, like, "These challenges will make you stronger" or "SUCK IT UP, CHUBBY!" The second one would be my dad. He wants to know why I'm losing weight and wants to know if I'll stop. Eff. You. Sure, you're my dad and yes, sometimes I love you, but I'm telling myself that you're the reason, that I'm sick of you calling me fat. No, I'm not stopping. I don't wanna be that fat chick that everyone makes fun of because not only is she fat, but she's an effing freshman.
How am I suppose to do this?
In 24 hours, I can wish myself happy 14 birthday, but it won't mean a thing. Age is just another number. What does it matter that, woopie fricken doo, I'm another year older? Sounds like I'm, like, 40 and want everyone to just quit realizing that I'm yet another year older, closer to being old. I feel old, like I've been here thousands of years, and just wanna leave, but I can't because I've always felt that suicide was showing that you were, in fact, too weak to go on. Whatever, I'm getting off. Gonna find something to do.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Dang it! Effing crap!!

I feel like curling up and just sleeping for the next week. Screw my effing birthday. Screw being excited over the little things JUST because I'm another effing year old. I'm stuck shopping with just my mom. Can't believe I got so excited over it. At least she tried to make up for it by offering that we go see Eclipse (gag) some day soon and she give me a present. It just isn't the same, though.I haven't had to shop with just my mom, ever. Do I have to go? I don't wanna now. First my bestie goes off to Missouri and now my other friend's parents say no and the other one is at camp. Whatever, I'm gonna go shower and act like everything is just...fine. Can't believe I was so excited over nothing. I even ate normally so that she wouldn't get too worried. I was even totally happy that I could fit into a guy's small, which isn't a great accomplishment anyway.
Sorry, I'm just in one of those major let down moments where I can only blame myself for being so excited.

Amazingly Enough

I had a dream I remember and, yes, am posting it here.
OK the first part I remember is standing by a closet with a chick in front of me. From the closet streamed darkness and I just knew that the girl had come from there. In fact, I think we had helped her out. She clung to me, begging for something. And then she went to attack me, but this blond dude that I was with kicked her back into the closet and the door slammed shut after she went in.
I went into this room that we were staying in and there was a third person, but I can't remember a thing about them. The tv is the only light in the room, giving it a creepy light. Then, a phone goes off, adding a little to the lighting. I pick it up and then open the text. I realized two things, in this order, it was in Japanese except for about a sentence and it was my dad's phone. The only word that stuck out to me was "torture". For some strange reason, that blond dude then walked in wearing a white shirt that barely covered his chest with fishnet under it and black jeans. And then I'm calmly laying in my bed, under 3 blankets with the guy I can't remember a thing about next to me and the blond one sitting on the edge of the bed. For some reason I could see the couch. My dad was sitting on the couch, sweating and looking totally freaked out and he kept checking his phone. I asked him why he was so nervous and he said he wasn't and then I asked, "well then why are you sweating?" Being insanely smart, he went, "well why are YOU sweating?" my calm response was, "I'm under 3 blankets and am next to this really warm guy."
Out of nowhere the blond dude goes, "Yeah, when I turned 18 I told her dad I was 15, so I was 15 for about a week."
and then there was some more stuff, but that's all I remember which is better than this one dream where I made out with a vampire.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I'm starting to despise this.

One day, I eat like any normal person would. Not an effing care about what goes into my mouth. The next day, I'm counting EVERY calorie taken in, and hoping that whatever the eff I just ate was healthy. Then, I'm thinking of ways I can work out without it being some time way late into the night. Basically, this week, I've been going nuts. Totally nuts. Or at least, that's how I feel. Today, I'm pretty sure I stayed under three hundred and I KNOW I was under four hundred and unlike yesterday, it was the easiest thing in the world. Also, my mom was home which makes staying so low a HUGE shock. Luckily, the reason she was home was because my little brother had a fever and was puking. You must know that my little brother rarely gets sick. With anything. So she didn't really pay much attention to me until he was feeling better which was around four which is about the usual time she pays any attention to me. Okay, I'm gonna go do some sit-ups because there isn't enough room to really do anything else in my room.


I ate like a normal effing person. Well, I mean, not, like, fat normal, but, like, average normal. BUT I felt like I scored points when I only ate half of this brownie and threw the rest away. I don't about what any of you are going to say based on JUST that. I feel EFFING amazing. I was working out for a total of around an hour. I was sweating, but I felt so freaking beautiful that I made a pitiful attempt at ballet.


And it was SO pitiful considering I have NEVER cared about ballet or ballerinas. I ran forwards and backwards (because if I turn, it makes noise and I don't wanna wake anyone), I did sit-ups, push-ups, jumping jacks, a little bit of yoga that lasted longer than I planned because of my dog wanting attention, put my legs on the couch and did sit-ups like that, and I think that's it. I felt amazing. Then I sat back and thought, "Now imagine how much prettier you would've felt had you not eaten so much." I had to roll my eyes and sigh. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow, I will do better. Tomorrow will not be just another broken promise to myself. Tomorrow will eventually be today (well, if we're going by time, it is), but it will not be a bad today. It will be a today full of a lack of food and full of exercise. Even if it means having my family look at me and wondering what got into me. Don't worry, dears, I have an excuse for the whole exercise thing if anyone asks. I used to get my work out at school. Yes, that's my excuse and it will work. I am CONFIDENT!
beauty Pictures, Images and Photos

Well, since I have this weird thing where falling asleep during the time of 3 AM, I'll probably find some way to work out that whole time. Then, at four, I'll crash into my bed, feeling once more like I'm on the top of the world. Like I'm in control of EVERY-EFFING-THING! Haha!

thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos

OH! Another plus that I almost totally forgot. I carved the word love into my arm a while back. I was terrified that it wouldn't heal before Saturday, but it really looks like it will. Honestly, I'm happy because that means I won't worry my friend (who knows) or have my mom freak out (because she doesn't know). Okay, I'm gonna hope off, go to the potty, and the do a little more working out and then... BED TIME!
Remember, they can only take what you let them.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My poor mom

She's an amazing mother even when she doesn't seem like it. Right now, I should be happy. I refused all they ask me if I wanted. The fact that I don't like what they're making helps, but still. My dad hit the nail on the head. "I guess you're not hungry today then." And you know what? I don't feel that hungry. I should, but I don't. My dad's actually one of my excuses. Back when I was twelve, he made so many comments about my weight and actually told me I should go puke up what I ate quite a few times. When I was, like, eight, he told me I missed my chance to be a model because I was too short and fat. I didn't really understand why he would want me to be a model, and the comments usually rolled off me.
Right, this was suppose to be about my mom. After I said I didn't want anything that they were serving, and went into my room so they would leave me alone, my mom came in and, well, kinda stood there for a moment. That actually freaks me out and annoys me. Finally, she told me that if there was something I wanted, she would take me to the store to get it. Well, since I'm pretty tired of salad, and potato salad doesn't sound any better, I didn't want anything. I mean, sure, I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating much today. Usually, I'm fighting to keep myself away from food, but now... Nothing. No urge to run out there and scarf down whatever it is that they're having for supper. No urge to even flaunt the fact that, yes, I am eating so my mom won't worry. I just don't feel like faking it even. Honestly, I think I'm depressed or something stupid. It feels like I can't breath, even though I'm breathing just fine. I swear, I'm going crazy from lack of sleep. Went to bed at four, woke up around 11. Maybe that's why I'm not hungry. Haha, too tired to be hungry. I feel empty, which pleases me, but only to some extent. I wanna know if my friend can go shopping with me. I wanna know if I should try to get different friends this year. I don't really know what I want right now. I'm tired and it's only six in the evening. I would just fall into my bed and sleep, but then my mom would think that something is really wrong. I'm fine, honestly. No need to worry any more than I do.
Really, I wanna wiggle into the dress on Saturday and it be a little baggy. Why? As proof that I'm losing weight. Without help. On my own. By help, I do mean from pills and all that. With how it fits me now, I feel like I have HUGE boobs. Which, for my age, may be true. It's a cute dress and I'm hoping I won't totally ruin the cuteness(by being too fat). I wanna look great when we go shopping. I guess because I don't get to go shopping much anymore. I'm gonna take loads of pictures when we go shopping. Hum.. Guess that means I'll be taking a purse too. Because I'm not putting my phone and camera down my dress. teeheehee. Okay, I'm gonna get off now before I type something that I totally later regret.


This was probably really stupid of me. My friend is acting like it's a huge effing deal. So, when she said, "Quite honestly, this shouldn't be a problem," to me in a text, my response was probably the boldest thing I've ever told her. Then quit making it one. Maybe it's the around 200 calories running through me, but that sounds so cocky. I love it! She's probably tickedd at me. "I'm just trying to figure out what the heck is going on. When you can tell me, let me know." Hardyharhar. "I'm having a party on sunday, at 3. You can come or not." I don't really know why this is getting to the point where it's an argument, but I swear she's jealous that I'm not taking her even though she says she isn't jealous because she can't go anyway. Whatever, whatever. I've told myself over and over that I'm going to enjoy this.Finally going into high school, finally 14. I'm only going to be a freshman in high school once. I'm only going to have to joy of finally being 14 (which shouldn't be a big deal) once. I do plan on enjoying it. Even if some people try to ruin that.
One that note, I'm going to paint my effing nails, try not to get effing high off the fumes, and do some effing sit-ups after all that.
Stay strong, even when it feels like the world is crashing in.

Well, eff you.

So, I'm still all, "WOO!!" about my party and my birthday, but my friend is being a royal witch about it. Seriously, I'm not going to tell her to not go to Missouri and see her cousin, but she doesn't have to act like it's either her or ALL of my other friends because I am going to pick them. They've NEVER celebrated my birthday with me. In the three years I've known them, none of them have been even asked to. So if she's going to try and make it seem like I have to pick, I'm picking them because, well, I'm like that. "Well, this should be interesting. First I have to deal with my family and then loads of loud people." You can think of it like that, or you can think of it as sharing the excitement with your friend. I mean, I sucked up my pride and dealt with the chicks she invited to her birthday party even though they made it WELL known I wasn't welcome in their circle. Whatever. You can act like you're worried I'll replace you as my best friend. Well, dear, don't give me such reasons to. Yep, I'm going to go shopping and I'm going with someone who LOVES being around me as much as I enjoy her company. And yes, I'm going to enjoy it whether or not you want such to happen. Seriously! No wonder I don't feel like eating. All of this going on. Need something to hold onto. Something to make me feel on the ground, here on Earth, and not floating in the sky, full to the brim with joy, or falling into my own, personal Hell, from the anger that is flaring up.
Seriously, I would ask for help, but I highly doubt that anyone really knows how to deal with this. I'm more than pretty sure my friend expects me to give and say that it'll be her, my family, and me. But that's so... Blehhh and I've been so excited that I don't want blehhh. Naturally, I'm a pansy and can't say ANY of this to my friend. Whatever, I doubt she would care to know that it totally ticks me off that she thinks she "tried". Eff her, eff this, eff that, eff her acting like she rules my life.
I think I'm going to paint my nails after I get back from getting my effing eyebrows waxed. Yeahh, I could do it at home, but we don't have any wax here. I dunno, I just wanna look really cute when we go shopping on Saturday. Haha, maybe I want people to look at me... even though I'm so oblivious that I never notice. Well, dears, I gotta go.


I don't know why, but it's kinda freaking me out that this dude in my grade just randomly started IMing me on Facebook. Haha, he's gonna realize just how boring I am and get off. Maybe I'm freaking out because I don't talk to this dude. Okay, phew, one of my actually friends is IMing me now. Meaning, I'm not going to freak out as much. Which is good. Haha, "hey what's up" "What's with people being up at almost one in the morning?!" Yeah, not the best way to start a conversation. I have to wonder what goes through MY head at one in the morning. When we're all done IMing each other, I guess I'll post them on here and scrabble up everyone's name.






What's up


Uhh, not much. You?




Oohh, what are you reading?


Right now I just started inkheart


Haha, you'll have to tell me if it's actually as good as people say.

12:56amJ is offline.

Interesting convo. Didn't expect it to be great considering I don't usually talk to this dude. Status quo or something lame crap like that. I'll never understand it, but whatever. I don't have to. Why? Because I don't honestly care. I'm so tired.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


This is not really why I'm posting, but I GOT MY FIRST COMMENT! Happiness! Thanks you, zette.I'm almost fourteen, gonna be Sunday. Yeahh, pie is kinda... really evil. It lures people in by smelling and looking good and then it adds too much to actually be worth it.
I have a friend who says she might be able to go with me! Great thing is I, like, ADORE this chick. She makes me soo happy. Seriously, she's one of my best friends, but I haven't seen this chick since school let out. She even wants to go after I told her I spend FOREVER in any store I go to and FOREVER and a half in the book store. I luff reading.
Gosh, I feel so excited and chatty. Maybe it's because I, basically, passed out after eating supper. OH! Speaking of eating! I weigh 156. Yeahhh, still pretty nehhh, but it's better. I'm just glad it's not 170 something. I was depressed that day. I had a very, very small growth spurt and it knocked me up to, like, 172. Steep price for HALF AN INCH. Ugh. Then I was teetering between 170 and 169 and 168, and it all just really ticked me off.
Enough about my past weights. I went to the doctor's today.... and waited, like an hour and a half before anyone did anything. Apparently the computers crashed. Then, the doctor had to call my mom to get permission to cut open the tick bite on my side. Finally, she comes back in and put a tiny needle in it. Yes, it hurt. Then, she put stuff that numbed in there and it HURT. Like, I can't even describe how badly this hurt, but it HURT. But luckily I couldn't feel anything on there after that. She cut me open and then went, "Nope, nothing's in here." FINALLY, she taped some gauze on there and let me leave. Seriously, I had a 2 PM appointment, didn't get in there until 2:40, and then didn't get OUT until, like, four-twenty apparently.
This is really out of nowhere, but I woke up from a nap and was thinking about this. No, I've never had a boyfriend. I told myself that I don't want one until my sophomore year so that I don't totally screw up my freshman year, but as I thought about it, I kinda bit my lip and thought, "Well... Maybe..." Now, that I'm totally awake, I'm trying to just think of my birthday and what we're going to do for it. Well, then I saw my best friend's boyfriend (he's kinda one of my friends) and I was going, "Well... Maybe..." Only, I know me. I wouldn't be like my best friend with her boyfriend. Seriously, they were friends before they starting going out, but they haven't changed AT ALL since they starting "going out". Actually, she says that she's been avoiding him since summer started. And this actually kinda ticks me off, still, but don't tell them that, because she's avoiding him AFTER they start going out five days AFTER the dude told HER best friend that she'd be doing the world a favor by killing herself. Seriously, I would be fine if they actually saw each other, but she's making it seem like that's the only reason she asked him.
Ok, I'm gonna quit ranting and raving because I'm actually pretty happy. Today wasn't really a good day in the sense of what went in. I just feel... Happy. I'm hoping, crossing my fingers actually, that I can be a little less shy now too. I mean, I have pink hair AND I'm shy. Something is not right here. Well, I guess I'll have to throw away that sense of "OH MY GOSH, someone is going to hate me for this" and just do whatever it is. Seriously, I'm just a pansy trying to justify not being able to get rid of child hood shyness.
Gah!! Now I'm moping over that! No moping! Moping is bad. Moping makes me feel so... dead inside and then I'm off running to find something to eat so I don't feel so dead. I effed up today and yesterday. No. More. I swear. No more until Saturday at which time I will be walking around enough that it won't matter anyways (and I'll only eat a little, using the excuse that I just wanna keep moving!) Sunday is going to be a total whore. Cake, ice cream... Why did I choose now to be so little kiddish that I want a birthday party? Maybe because I actually have more than one close friend. Haha. Yeahh, I'm pretty pitiful. I only have, like, five friends and only two of those I'm really close to. Those two know about my cutting, but none of them knows of my... Winkwink other activities. Though, one of my close friends I AM super worried about. It makes me feel like a hypocrite to be worried, but I mean, SERIOUSLY! She had a handful of cereal while she was at my house and when I mentioned being bored, she said, "Let's go do some crunches!" I just kinda looked at her and maybe I should've said, "Yes, yes, come on, let's hurry and go do that!" But it freaked me out. She's only 98 pounds. I feel like I should be super jealous about it, but I'm just freaking out. Am I hypocrite? Or am I actually, secretly, veiled by worry, jealous?
I don't honestly know...
Anyway, I'm gonna get off and maybe do some push ups. Why? Because my arms are so freakin weak.

Eff it.

Now, I'm probably going to be screwed into shopping with just my mom. Why? My friend thinks that it's effing ingenious to go to Missouri the weekend of my birthday when for over a year we've had this whole thing planned. Apparently she wanted to go Thursday and Friday, but her sister planned something on Thursday.Still, she could've not gone. I know, that sounds selfish and blah, blah, blah, but it's my fourteenth birthday! You know, the year that everyone ACTUALLY sees you as a teen? Whatever, I'm NOT staying home even if it is that I have to go with JUST my mom. Mom's fun to shop with and that means I don't have to go to the stores my friend wants to go to... But it's always more fun when I have someone with me.
Positive news: My skinny jeans are falling off my butt. Heck yeah! I'm gonna finally get out of size nines! I've been in them since THIRD EFFING GRADE. I feel so light with joy. Let's hope that I'm AT LEAST a size 7 in my jeans by school.
OH OH! Last night, I made up some dumb excuse to sooth my friend's worry. I told her that I didn't wanna be that fat chick that everyone in the high school made fun of. Which isn't really true. I just, I dunno, it feels right to be hungry, starved. When I stretch completely out, I can see my ribs and I'm left thinking to myself, "I wanna see that ALL the time, not just when I'm stretching." It doesn't matter if no one else can see them, just so long as I can. I always imagine being that tiny girl that makes everyone wonder just where she gets that energy from.
Okay, I have this chocolate pie in my room. I'm surprised that every time I see it I don't get a sudden urge to eat it even though I love chocolate. Weirdd. Not that I would eat it anyway. Not with.430 cals and 190 fat calories.
I'm rambling now, but I mean, I'm just waiting for my brother to get home so we can leave for my doctor's appointment. To think, I was just going to rant about how my friend is leaving me and is gonna be gone the day of my birthday party. Guess I'll just have to have fun without her and then tell her just how much fun it was.
Haha, gonna go now.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Yeahh, probably gonna mess it up.

My chances of eating something unhealthy and full of calories just, like, doubled. My friend asked me if I would meet her at the school so that she isn't totally bored out of her mind with her sister's game. While that means a 15 minute walk there and back and walking around and playing on swings while there, it also means that my mom will give me money and I'll buy some candy bar without giving it a second thought...then I will devour it without that second thought. BUT I might work it all off by swinging and walking around and stuff so maybe it won't be TOTALLY ruined. At least, not as ruined as supper would've made it.
GOSH! Why am I even on this whole "no cals today" thing? Could it be because I'm finding out my weight tomorrow and want to seem lighter than I am? This, my dears, is why I need a scale in the house. So I don't freak out over the doctors. I'm sure tomorrow's results will be interesting whether they are good or bad.
OH! My skinny jeans feel even looser today. So, now they feel more comfy. YUS! Alright, so, I've go about half an hour until I have to go and about four minutes away from the time my mom said she would be getting home. I'm not totally sure what I should do. I've already done a little bit of exercising. More wouldn't hurt, but there are people here. Maybe I'll walk to the soda machine so I don't feel as tired as I do. Yeahh, I'm gonna go do that.

Now watch, I'm gonna mess it all up.

I've nothing, nothing, so far to eat. Gonna find out how much I actually weigh tomorrow so that I'm not saying I'm 158 without knowing for sure. I highly doubt that I am anymore. Just like I doubt that I'm any more than that. I feel like I'm air itself sometimes...even though I'm still really fat. Okay, this is nearly meaningless, but since I usually have to buy larges in, like, everything it made me go "EFF YEAH!". We went to Wal-Mart (I'm poor) and I saw this dress that I felt like I had to have for my birthday party coming up in five days. It's a blue and white plaid and it's actually really cute, BUT what shocked me was my mom, who accidentally reminds me that I'm fat, made me get a medium. EFF YEAH!! Also, my bra has been fitting more... awkwardly and there's always a little bit that isn't really used. And maybe that's just how life is or it could be me, shrinking away. Now if only I could do something about that ugly, old womanly flab on my arms.
Last night, while I was about to give up on my sit-ups, I stretched myself WAY out so I could faintly feel my ribs and told meself, "You have to do this for them to poke free so you don't have to stretch out like this to feel it." I'm honestly really enjoying today. I've gone over to the food and just looked through to see if anything made me go, "Yep, I wanna eat that." Nothing made me do that... except the smell of the lasagna my dad was eating.I was sooo tempted to ask for a bite of it. BUT I didn't! ^^ YAY! Oh, I think I'll put a pic of the dressie up here(I'm proud of it, okay?) so that you can marvel at the fact that it looks like it's for little kids.
Stay BEAUTIFUL, stay strong!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Work out so farss

60 sit ups and 30 push ups. Don't look at me like that, I plan on doing more. Just need to get to it.30 side leg lifts on each leg (don't know what they're really called, but that's what I'm calling them). I know, I should go and do more, right now, but I'm tired. It's not even funny. Like, I don't even wanna stretch or anything. Not even walk. So, I'm gonna go be a pansy and play Harvest Moon.
Stay strong, dears.


Okay, I forced my mom to make a blog. Actually, I made one for my mom. Sure, she doesn't quite know what a blog is, but still... To make her happy, go check it out.

The Blog My Daughter Made Me Get

Witty title made by yours truly. I posted it on my facebook, too. Gotta make sure everyone knows that my mom has a blog. Why? Because it's father's day. Haha.
Anyway, my mom asked me if I was exercising anymore. Uhhh, yeahhh. I'm gonna see if I can make it so that I don't snack on anything through the day and eat only a little at dinner. Why? That way at school I can say that I only eat dinner. Oh yeah, school's gonna try to make me into a food whore. Or maybe I can get away with, like, a less than 90 cal lunch. Noo, taking my lunch to high school doesn't sound at all fun. I just don't want to worry my friends because they can find out anything once they're worried.
I wanna make a random trip to Wal-Mart. We used to do that all the time. Like, last summer and on the weekends. But now my brother's got a "get up early" job and so he won't take me to the Wal-Mart to look at all the things we swear we're gonna to buy once we get the money, but we never do get. This also means no more late night begging for that Red Bull just begging me to get it because it taste like sour punch straws...and no more walking around for at least an hour because we went for a reason, but seriously just forgot what that reason was. Mann, those nights were funnn.

Okay, I'm going to put on PJ pants and do some working out to pass the time and then... BWUHAHAHA more Harvest Moon!!


I think my butt has lost some.

Alright, today I accidentally got a pair of skinny jeans. BUT! I don't regret it. Why? They actually look great on me. Yeah, I'm shocked. They actually feel pretty comfy and and and I feel amazing because they actually look kinda good. It's amazing! Squee!! Soo... I don't really have anything else to say, so I'm going to go and look at other people's blogs so that I have something to do at one in the morning.

Love you!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

This is so worth deleting the history.

So, I got bored and went onto photobucket. While I was looking around there, I saw two(ish) icons that made me smile (and then laugh a little).

laugh bur calories Pictures, Images and Photos

thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos

Yup, those are the two that made me smile and eventually laugh. I'm not really one for posting pictures in my blog, but I may start just because I need that awesome little boost that I get from seeing them. Alright, on to...something other than all this.

I, actually, told myself that I wasn't going to eat anything until my mom got home and then make a huge show of eating something. Well, I had a poptart. Which had 210. BUT! I'm going to go off and walk my dog. Then I'm going to bathe her. Haha, she really looks like she needs it, too. Poor girl. I hope that you guys are having a better day than I am. I'm really tired and just need to suck it up and get off my butt. Right now, I'm sipping at some green tea that I made. Really, I think it taste like crap, but I will live. Easily. Haha. Alright I should probably get off and almost start on deleting selective parts of the history (it's my dad's laptop).

Have a good rest of the day!




Thinspiration 51 Pictures, Images and Photos
Thinspiration 105 Pictures, Images and Photos
Thinspiration 148 Pictures, Images and Photos
bikini scene emo thinspo thinspiration real girl Pictures, Images and Photos


No more slacking off! The 26th (next time I'll have cake stuffed down my throat) is only, technically, 9 days away from now. Until then, I'm not going to effing go nuts with the food. Why? I highly doubt my friend will be over again and I don't doubt I can get away with how I was before my brother's birthday (without all the screwing up!) . Haha, anyone wanna tell me why I get so tired after I eat, like, anything? Seriously, I get very tired very suddenly. Even after eating "normally" for the past few days.
Actually, I may ramble because I feel horrible because I couldn't cheer up my friend. What kind of friend can't cheer up the person they've been friends with for, about, five years? I really tried to make her happy. Told her that if she were here, I would cry with her, if I wanted to dishonor the moment, I would cut, and if I thought it would help, I would tell her she's beautiful. I feel as though I has failedd her as a friend...but I mean, I do feel a little upset. We kinda got into a fight because she was going to ask me something about her BF(if we were going to fight anytime he was mentioned) but before she finished, she was just all like, "Oops. I was going to see if I could go a whole day without mentioning him." I did in fact say she was pitiful for not being able to go one day without mentioning him. Honestly, when I get a BF my friends will (hopefully) not notice a difference. I'll try not to talk about him a lot unless he is, like, really amazing (haha, and apparently not from around here). I'll be able to go a whole, effing day without even realizing I didn't mention him. OH!!! Later, she told that she had, in the past, gone a whole day without mentioning him. Then why didn't she make it sound like she had!? RAWR!!!
Okay, okay, I'm over it. Totally. I'm gonna go to bed soon. Slap Flynn (my phone, haha) on the charger. Yes, I named my phone. Why not? Geesh, I'm so tired and it's not even funny. Actually, I'm kinda hungry. A loads less hungry than usually, but it feels worse because I'm used to eating "normally" because of all of these times where I feel like people are watching me so I feel like I have to eat and I can't refuse the food or I'll look... suspicious. Ugh!! RAWR!! RAGE!!! Wow, I'm really tired. Please ignore everything from "Ugh!!" to "Wow," because if you don't, it's embarrassing for me.
I hate how I say more on the internet than I do in RL. I mean, it's like I say everything that's on my mind at the time and all of the things that were on my mind at the time and then I say things I know I'll regret. Gosh, I'm so stupid about what to say and what not to say and now I'm just rambling and I really need to stop it. Whatever. I realized how much I miss one of my friends. I don't think I've seen her for, like, a year or half a year or something. She used to be my light and day, my everything sane. Now, when my world's completely insane, I'm utterly meaningless to her because of a mistake I made less than three years ago. Everyone playfully said we were twins, but that was fine with me. I really cared a lot about her. Haha, I remember once I had the very sudden urge to kiss her. I haven't actually shared that memory with anyone. I think we were in third grade, though, so it shouldn't matter. I just find it funny that I remember it even though I should've totally just forgotten it. Maybe it's because I'm from a Christian household that I remember something stupid like that so well. It was beautiful.
We were laying in her bed, snuggled up, because we were supposed to be asleep. She had a small TV in her room that we had on, though we weren't watching it. WE were just laying there talking and out of the blue I got the urge to kiss her. I didn't do it, but I don't really regret not doing it either! Haha, I can't imagine how it would've been if I had. Really, I miss snuggling up with someone when I go to sleep... So I sleep with a stuff puppy, but it's not the same.
Okay, I'm getting off before I admit something else stupid! Haha!
LOVE YOU!! Stay strong! YAY!
With many sleep-filled hugs,

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I feel like such an effing fake! Yesterday was my brother's birthday. We had cake and went out to eat. Yeah, and guess who had a piece of cake, some ice cream, and ate until her tummy hurt. Me. Guess who didn't even bother working anything off and just crashed in my bed when we got home. Again, me. I don't get that, though. I eat like an effing pig, but instead of any pains going away, they come back, worse than ever and I'm left tired. I'm thanking God for every moment that no one asks me to eat again. I like to tell myself that I did it so my mom would get off my back. Seriously, she kept telling me that I have to eat so I make a big show of whatever I eat in front. She doesn't have to know just how little I eat. Haha.
YAY!! Someone follows my bloggie! And who it is amazed me even more because I loves her blog.
Well, everyone, my friend is coming over soon, so I think I'm goin to slip off and hide somethings better than they're hidden now. So that she doesn't find them. Dunno where I'm going to put them, but I swear she won't find them.
Live, love, lie,
Ixia =3

Sunday, June 13, 2010


I think I'm getting out of the slump I was in! Haha, 470 and only because I just HAD to eat that EFFING cherry poptart with EFFING frosting. Otherwise it would have been, drum roll please.... 270! I am not eating anymore tonight, I swear. And yes, I argued with myself over eating that poptart. Tomorrow, if I go to church, I'm gonna march my butt up to the gas station and, yes, get that Snapple Diet Peach Green Tea and a fricking thing of water. I bought Special K bar things. Only 90. Soooo, I think I'll eat one of those when I wake up, just to get everything going.
OH! And for the first time, in a long time, I bought a medium sized shirt...even if it is a night shirt, I'm still proud considering how upset I've been. My effing arm hurts from Mom giving me my shot yesterday. I would say she did it horribly wrong if it wasn't her job to give shots.
And I bet some of you are going, "Oh, great, now that everything seems a bit easier, she's gonna stop being as strict on herself." WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! If anything, I'm hoping this means I'll quit going over 400, but I GUESS 500 is okay.
I bet some are wondering just how many I used. I'm horridly ashamed to admit how many I used... 304. Yup, that's it. It would've been just dandy if I hadn't had that poptart, but nooo I just HAD to stuff the thing down my throat! Sorry, bit of self-loathing came in then. Luckily, it's easy to hide that you've gone off the deep end to friends who don't really care. "Oh, you're not yelling at me today? Alright." That's how I feel it is with my "best friend." She knows I cut and when I decide to actually come out and tell her, I get a splendid, "I knew." And you aren't at all worried? I'm super worried about you, girl, but I don't think I can stop you. Me, I'm a freaking time bomb, I swear. Leave me alone with me too long and I start being very...self-destructive. Very fun, actually.
And now I'm kinda panicky. My friend is probably coming over Tuesday. I can't stand that kind of...surveillance. It scares me to no effing end because she KNOWS what to look for and, I guess, she knows when I'm acting stranger than usual.
...Now, instead of thinking about it, I REALLY wanna play VIDEO GAMES! I'm such an effing video game junkie it's not even funny, but I'm not going to play video games because I'm going to finish this book I'm reading that is SUPER interesting...Unlike this blog. Honestly, I wish I were more interesting or had a more interesting way of putting things, like, instead of saying my arm hurts I could've said, "MY GOSH!!!1!!!!1!!11!!! MY ARM FEELS LIKE IT'S GOING TO FALL OFF!!!" and be overly dramatic about it. I think I'm going to pack my lunch for school most of next year. Yeah, a nice big lunch, hardyharhar. That lunch's calorie max? 40 cals. For food and drink. The salad we have, for some reason, has, like, 25 cals. I'm not even kidding. The dressing we have is AMAZING and has only 10, I think. Yeahh, take that and a drink of that green-effing-tea and there we go! All 40.
Gosh, I need some effin' caffeine. I've been tired all day, but that's really from lack of sleep because I went to bed at four-thirty and Mommy woke me up at 10 because my grandma was going to take me to her house to mow that lawn. I didn't even get most of it mowed. BUT I did take a nap before we left for Wal-Mart...but only for, like, an hour.
OK, I'm done just kind of...rambling. I'm gonna go finish Infinity (the book I'm reading). I don't know what's gotten into me, I just feel like BABBLING! Whatevers! Today feels like I was stepping into a new world and leaving the old problems behind (though I know they're gonna follow eventually).

Stay strong, peeps!

Friday, June 11, 2010


Ugh, not as bad as yesterday, but I did consume 479 cals BUT I'm working on working them off. I've already worked off 219 of them! Only 260 left! Gotta think positive or nothing will ACTUALLY get done. Next week, starting on Monday, everything (except for Sunday) is planned. I have a fast planned on Thursday and I'm hoping that I can stick with with it. 229 worked off! Only 250 left! Yus! I'm sooo going to get there! Oh, wait, no, I'm screwed. Mom offered the one thing I swear I cannot say no to. Cherry Dilly Bar. 210 cals. I'm gonna try to only eat half. Ok, screwed up that plan. Ugh, 156 cals eaten from just one effing thing!! DANG IT! I'm just so effing weak! Need to work off= 406 now. I am going to work that off even if it takes all night. I swear! And some of you are going, "Stop throwing a fit and just puke it up." That's my problem! I can't! I've tried and tried and effing tried in the past... nothing! Just a sore throat! Maybe I was doing it all wrong, but still. I'm gonna try to work all of this off and, hopefully, I'll be able to give another post happily proclaiming that I manged to work it off. YAY!

Stay stronger than THIS,

Okay, okay, I told myself no more blogging for today, but...

I'm excited! Diet Snapple peach green tea. It was less than a dollar and it tastes great and it has only 5 cals. I say that's pretty good considering it is a 16 oz can and one can is one serving. So I got suuper excited and just had to talk about it. Woo!
Byes now,

Told You That Was Just yesterday!

SQUEE! I feel like I'm doing wickedly AWESOME!But... I should calm down. It's only the start of the day for me, but it's kinda worked out in a way that I shouldn't have to eat supper. I've talked to my mom about getting Wii Fit once we have the money. Honestly, it's great that she considers it. Ugh, no one's talking to me today. Whatever, I was just going to try to use them as distractions anyway. Which sounds horrible now that I think about it.I think I'm going to paint my nails which I have sadly bitten most of off. Or maybe I'll play a really fun video game. I would march my fatt little butt up to the soda machine to get a diet something, but I only have a twenty and I don't think the machine will take twenties and if it does, I don't want 19.50 in quarters! That would be, like, 78 quarters!
Oh! Right! Why I feel like I'm doing awesome so far. I've only had a piece of bread. One, it was good, but not good enough for me to want another slice. Two, it only had sixty cals. Three, while eating it I felt like I was gonna puke. The only other thing I've had was some green tea. I think I'll fill a bottle full of water and drink that, too. Try to trick my body into thinking that it ISN'T starving. Haha, I suddenly feel like running out of my room going, "SQUEEEEEE!!!" I think the bread kicked in or something equally stupid happened...
Okay, honestly, I'm probably gonna say something stupid within the next few minutes, so I'm just going to...go.
Live Love Lie,

Crap, I should be in bed.

Okay, it's like, midnight and usually this isn't a real problem for me because I stay up until four in the morning. Yeah, but I have to go and do stuff early in the morning for my grandparents, but I wanted to give the final 411.
First, you must know that my lazy butt only worked off, about, 600 cals. Another thing is I took in about 1,207. For any normal person, this would be considered kinda low. For me, this is effing high! Goosh I feel fat. Well, instead of crying over this, I think I'm going to slice a little bit of me open as a nice slap on the wrists for having a horrid day and then I'll go to bed and try to not repeat today's mistakes tomorrow! Trying to be optimistic here.
Actually, I probably do, like, loads of sit-ups and crap, hoping to burn them before I sleep and then slice a little bit of my open as a reminder not to screw up so badly next time.


P.S. I'm finding loads of blogs out there that are making me feel more...able to get through even the crappy stuff like this.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ugh, I'm screwed up today.

While yesterday was probably the best day I've had, ever, today is crap. Pure crap. Really early today, I, guess, I went on a total, freaking binge. While yesterday, I only had, like, 357, today I've already had 697. I mean, honestly! RAWG!! And me, being the total, effing, lazy brat I am is sitting, typing this ALL up. You would think I could be doing something productive, like walking around town for an hour. Sigh.
Honestly, I'm feeling pretty lonely. My phone WAS going off, like, all day, but now...nothing. Not one call or text from any of the people I say are friends. I don't try to feel lonely about this. I mean, I could text them and they would probably reply, but I get anxiety problems when I think about texting anyone. Speaking of my anxiety problems when I text or comment on anything, I put a comment on one of my favorite blogs, but even now I feel as though it pales in comparison to the others. The more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if I should've done it. Yeah, probably. I need to break out of this shell that I've been in since I was, what?, five? I'm so effing timid around people that when I check out and I'm in the middle of conversation, I go silent, which is pretty bad.
OKAY, getting OFF the subject of my social awkwardness... I feel like crap. Maybe what I really need is a nice shower, a comb through my pretty, pink head, and a long trip to the mall. We don't even need to buy anything. The excited feel I get from the place makes me happy and excited, just we can't take my dad or oldest brother. They make the trips unfun. I'll even do my hair up in cute little piggietails. Gosh, I need to stop fantasizing about nice, long, fun trips to the mall where we're not really thinking about food, but more on what we'll buy and walking around like we own the freaking place... Yeah, I really need a distraction from...well, life. I think I might take a nap...Heheh, maybe even sleep through supper. GAH! Like I said, I need a total distraction. Maybe going to Wal-Mart? Not as fun as the mall, but still fun. Dang... I want coffee or soda or something caffeinated that isn't tea because tea really, actually, kinda tastes bad. I could be doing something productive instead of blogging about my personal life, but yet here I am, wishing I were somewhere else.
OH!! One of my friends used to be my personal thinspiration and then I realized something... She's not that thin or that pretty. Sure, she's below an average weight, but she isn't really pretty unless she totally tries, but she rarely tries at all. She once told me that the doctor told her to eat more. She told me what she didn't want to tell him, "I eat just fine, I'm just not hungry." Big. Effing. Lie. I've heard her stomach growl and then heard her say that she wasn't.actually. hungry. Bull.
See, some of you are going "TURN BACK NOW!" but I do this without conscious effort anyway, why not embrace it? It's a part of me, of who I've become over the years. Yet I say that and hide it from my friends. Well, if they're as observant as they act they'll notice eventually... and then they'll try to talk me out of it to which my reply can be the middle finger. To me, it's just another part of who I am, to them, it's something you hear as a cause of death or something. Our school did crap about EDs. They...didn't (I think) talk about them. Now, thanks a lot me, I want my friend Taylor to text me, but I would probably tell her everything. Not like she can't find it all on the internet now. Actually, she probably wouldn't. Talking to Taylor's gonna be my one, fatal mistake one of these days. Personally, I don't want that, but really, I feel too comfortable with telling her things about me. Maybe because she swears she'll always be here for me. GAH!! Now I really wanna talk to her. Get. On. Myspace. Ho.

Okay, I'm going to get off before I say something really stupid.

For Wondering Minds

Ana and I have been playing a disgraceful game for a little over a year. I actually noticed that she was trying to get into my life last year around April. My Dad had been calling me fat multiple times a day all year. I used to be a Daddy's Girl and so it cut so deeply when he said it. Towards the end of Spring Break, I freaked out. How was I going to pull this off? And then, since I wasn't wanting Ana, I dragged myself in front of a mirror and went, "What do you mean with that bull? Shut up and live how you usually do." Fast forward to...end of May, this year. Our school let out for summer on the 25th. Even before that, Ana calmly met up with me again. I felt fat, ugly, unworthy of anyone's love. I started lying to skip lunch, saying I didn't have lunch money, saying I still forgot it, saying that I told my mom but the bus got there before she could. While all were true, they were all planned. A little after Ana was part of me again, I was realizing slip up. This turned into mild misery that overflowed into a razor head that I had taken from the bathroom. Trust me, I had tried to take it apart, and that hadn't worked. Now, it's the beginning of summer, and I've been having loads of friend problems. We made up, for real, but she hasn't been around. My friends were the only things that kept me away from completely embracing Ana. It was realized that I wouldn't be around any of them for, probably, a while. Being the controlling person that she is, Ana demand that she become my everything. The funny part is, it seems that her demand is being met.
Yep, that's most of my story. But I don't really mind my story. I'm actually pretty happy with it because it's my own, unique, story.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Yes, That's Me.

I guess you have all rights to know that the heading is ME. Yeah, some of you are going, "That's not sooo bad." I'm going, "Ew. Can't believe I got that way. Seriously!" I hate pictures of me, but I feel as if taking pictures of what's happening, the hopefully success I'm going to have, and everything else will become a past time of mine.
Today was really hard, actually. I got so tired, but for a while all I had eaten was an orange. Then, I messed it up with brownie mix. The supper I had was actually pretty tiny. About 137 calories. That's a pretty good supper considering it's only the REAL meal I eat. Most of my eating is done as small snacks. 215 calories of snacks. Honestly, but, due to the fact that I hate thinking I couldn't at least match that in calories lost, I used 438 calories. It felt pretty effing amazing, but I'm sure I need to work out more than I did. Such a lazy little teen, well, there is still an hour and a half in this day, so maybe I'll work out more throughout that. Most of my working out was done as dancing because I'll get random bursts of energy and sit-ups and all that seem like a waste, so I'm left dancing like I'm nuts.
Alright, you're gonna have to add, like, two calories to intake for coffee. We're out of diet mountain dew. It is amazing how completely normal this hits me as.
I cut the inside of my cheek because I've found that caffeine and cutting seem to have a great affect on me. It brought tears to my eyes. That's actually the first time that tears have come to my eyes while I was cutting. Gosh, I'm doing this a lot. I think it's because I'll be restricted during the school year because of PE and the fact my friend isn't around as much. I would never cut in front of my friends. Even the two that know about it. But since my friend isn't around...well, there's not a reason not to, right? I highly doubt she would know if I did cut. She would probably check my arms and wrists, which I haven't cut for a while now. Alright, I think eventually I'm going to do a review for a book. Don't you dare ask me why, I don't really know. Yeah... I think I'll do that.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

And My Addiction Makes Me Flirt With Death Again

Ok, ok, so we're not really flirting, and sure we're not even close to good friends yet, but my razor has struck me again. I couldn't slice open my wrists because that's where everyone actually LOOKS.
First, we should go back to yesterday when I was craving a nice cut here and there. I didn't think I had anything to do it with, so I wrote all over myself. One of the things I wrote was part of a song. It's from Dying to Survive by Ace da Vinci. The part on my thigh reads, "She doesn't care about the fastest way to get paid, Nobody tells her what to do except the switchblade." Well, I remembered that I had that razor head in my jewelry box. I tore it completely apart and underlined switchblade in a neat little cut. Gosh, it's bleeding so, so much. I love it! It's bleeding so much that it is gonna be a huge stain on my jeans. I, obviously, changed out of them and into PJs. I put a bandanna tightly over it. All of this is kinda ironic/funny. When I started, I told myself, "Only do this when you feel as though no one in the world respects you." Now, part of the reason I'm doing it is because ingesting blood makes humans nauseous. It's pretty awesome.
I got horrible cramps today. You don't really need to hear this, but I started my female thing around noon today and got horrid cramps. I think it's from being hungry when I got my female thing (winkwink) but they went away after a while, so I dunno what the heck happened.
I love the internet. Otherwise, I would be petrified to confront my cutting and embrace it as something that makes me into me. I've told a grand total of.... TWO of my friends. I didn't really feel satisfied with their responses. One said that she would be there for me and the other said that she used to, but stopped because there were too many health hazards. That might be her way of saying stop before you actually hurt yourself. Whatever. I feel that if she cares so much she could actually say it.

Live, Love, Lie,

Yes, That's Me.

The heading is me, or at least it's my tummy. Some of you are looking at it going, "Could be worse." I'm looking at it going, "No, No, no!!" I hate how my tummy is. Sure, I USED to be fine with it, but my dad, who I used to be really close to, has called me fat so many times that I can't stand seeing pictures of me. Sorry it's not a super meaningful picture or anything. Just me, wearing Alice with a used to be tick bite. Yeah, that little red spot is from where I tore off a tick yesterday. I clawed at my skin because I didn't think I got the head of it out. And then there's that random freckle. I don't know how it got there, but yes, that's a very out of place freckle. UGH, I look pregnant! Just so you know, I'm not. Just a little (seriously) fat. Anyway, yes, that is a pic of me taken by me because none of my friends would probably be willing to take a side shot of my flab. I wish we had a scale somewhere in the house that I could use, but everyone else here is fat(or fatish) or they just don't care. That's what I want. Then, I could monitor myself.
Gosh, I'm posting a lot tonight, but maybe I just feel extra crazy today. I would be flashing around a pic of the writing and cutting I've done the past two days, but that's kinda high up on my legs. I might just because I can. Haha. For me, these cuts are strength and weakness all rolled up into one. I don't mind admitting that I've got weaknesses.
OH! Plan for tomorrow! I'll, probably, wake up around seven when everyone decides to go to work and instead of just rolling over and going to sleep again, I think I'll get up and take my MP3 player and walk around town for a while. Maybe...until nine if I can! Haha! Naturally, I'll take my phone, and text my friend while doing this so that I'm not totally bored. Even though it's not really a work out, it's the best I've done since the first week of summer. That first week of summer I was soo... motivated. Now, though, I don't feel motivated. I just feel kinda empty. It's because of my friends being themselves and disappointing me. I don't mean to sound so... like I expect them to be what I want. I'm sure they'll all be shocked to know how I slice myself open just because I wanna. There is something wrong with me. I just love the way it hurts for a little while and then I love just watching the blood. And then it scars for a while, a reminder that I messed up again.
Speaking of, I've messed up yet again. I've carved into my legs exactly how I feel. On each leg, it says FAT and on my Right thigh it says Ugly and is probably the deepest. I don't really mind. Actually, I feel detached from the whole thing even though I do feel what I carved into my legs, but really it just seems like another reason to sit around in my undies. Alright, here's the score so far. Me= 0 Urges= 4 Woo? Gosh, maybe I'm just going nuttie. Anyway, I think I'm gonna aim for some sleep tonight.

With Love,

P.S. I honestly think I'm super fat. I would much rather be tiny. Teenie tiny. When I walk into a room, I feel like I'm so huge that they all just have to...stare.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Cutting Binge

This is a poem that I want to tell my friend, by don't have the guts.

I'm on another

All you've done,
all my mom's done,
it's over flowing.

It's just another thing
you can't do a
thing about.

Once I realized you weren't
coming to see if I was

I decided to turn to
ice and forget how to

I'm going on a cutting
binge because of

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dr. Pepper and Love

That title is misleading! I think I'm high off Diet Dr. Pepper and the word "LOVE" I carved into my thigh and the heart I carved into my knee! So, I was dancing around in my T-shirt and underwear. I don't think this is how you're suppose to feel just hours after your best friend says that she's done with you. Since I'm not her friend anymore, meaning this dude isn't rude to her friend, I wish them well! They'll be really happy for a while. She expects to do as people say, he does as she says. Well, I think I'm gonna finish this soda, go to bed, lay there wondering how I messed myself up so bad, then fall asleep and wake up, happily restored, around noon. Sounds like a plan! Maybe I'll put my pants back on first, though.
Ixia! ♥