Tuesday, June 26, 2012

It's my birthday tomorrow!

I know I just posted, but I forgot to mention my birthday.
I'm really excited.
I'm finally gonna be sixteen.
A couple years ago, when I was turning fourteen, I was mad and bitter.
Then as the year went on, I lost weight.
At one point, I did wonder if I would live to see this birthday.
I'm so excited I did.
Sure, I miss being thin.
But I have time to lose this weight.
Also, I've been cutting for two years.
I've gotten a lot better in the past six months, I think.
But the urge is still there.
And honestly, I don't know if I do want to quit.
I don't know if I would mind being called "that cutter chick" or "emo freak".
Cutting seems to be on the edge of my mind a lot.
Because I know it calms me at least a little and J.P. says we're fighting a lot lately.
I might before taking the dogs out for another walk.
And I may take them on a longer walk.
I doubt it.
I'll probably just take them out to pee.
They're so frustrating to walk at the same time. I wish J.P. was here to help instead of getting ready for her interview.
I may go jump rope outside because in here the dog barks at me. I'm just ready to be thin.
Anyway, this was supposed to be about my birthday.
Sorry I made it so long.
My mommy is trying to get me a cupcake cake that makes a mustache.
I'm trying to see if my friends can come for a party on Saturday.

Got a couple of dogs.

Which means I'm heading outside to walk them every few hours. And I have an app on my new phone that helps me log food/exercise. But I haven't gotten on much because J.P. says I only blog when I'm upset and that I don't talk to her first.
Let me tell you a secret.
I'm always upset about my weight.
I'm not happy at 160 whatever the heck I'm at.
Also, J.P. treated me better when I was thin. Whether she knows it or not.
I miss being a size three.
At this point, I miss being a five.
But I really miss getting on the scale and seeing 120-something.
Even if it was high 120's.
Also, I have noticed that fat people feel the need to justify why their pretty to other people.
To me, it's like you say you know you're beautiful, why do you have to make sure everyone else thinks so?
I guess I only feel that way because all that goes through my mind is how ugly I am because I'm fat.
I'm glad they think beautiful.
But they don't have to make me think that me being fat makes me pretty.
I won't settle for fat.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Need to Lose Weight.

I also need to get off my butt and exercise EVERYDAY.
Or not eat the days I don't exercise.
Mom's told me we're getting rid of everything that doesn't fit.
One of my favorite pairs of jeans doesn't fit.
I wanna fit into them again soon.
J.P. swears she understands.
But then turns around and acts like it'll be a breeze to lose weight the "right way".
It's really hard to.
Everything is calories and fat.
Everything is everything it shouldn't be.
But I keep shoveling it in.
Because if I don't eat, she might no.
And she's actually trying to get better..
.But I'm getting so tired of doing this day in and day out.
It leaves me feeling worthless.