Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I'm really excited.
I'm finally gonna be sixteen.
A couple years ago, when I was turning fourteen, I was mad and bitter.
Then as the year went on, I lost weight.
At one point, I did wonder if I would live to see this birthday.
I'm so excited I did.
Sure, I miss being thin.
But I have time to lose this weight.
Also, I've been cutting for two years.
I've gotten a lot better in the past six months, I think.
But the urge is still there.
And honestly, I don't know if I do want to quit.
Cutting seems to be on the edge of my mind a lot.
Because I know it calms me at least a little and J.P. says we're fighting a lot lately.
I might before taking the dogs out for another walk.
And I may take them on a longer walk.
I doubt it.
I'll probably just take them out to pee.
They're so frustrating to walk at the same time. I wish J.P. was here to help instead of getting ready for her interview.
I may go jump rope outside because in here the dog barks at me. I'm just ready to be thin.
Anyway, this was supposed to be about my birthday.
Sorry I made it so long.
My mommy is trying to get me a cupcake cake that makes a mustache.
I'm trying to see if my friends can come for a party on Saturday.
Let me tell you a secret.
I'm always upset about my weight.
I'm not happy at 160 whatever the heck I'm at.
Also, J.P. treated me better when I was thin. Whether she knows it or not.
I miss being a size three.
At this point, I miss being a five.
But I really miss getting on the scale and seeing 120-something.
Even if it was high 120's.
To me, it's like you say you know you're beautiful, why do you have to make sure everyone else thinks so?
I guess I only feel that way because all that goes through my mind is how ugly I am because I'm fat.
I'm glad they think beautiful.
But they don't have to make me think that me being fat makes me pretty.
I won't settle for fat.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Or not eat the days I don't exercise.
One of my favorite pairs of jeans doesn't fit.
I wanna fit into them again soon.
But then turns around and acts like it'll be a breeze to lose weight the "right way".
It's really hard to.
Everything is calories and fat.
Everything is everything it shouldn't be.
But I keep shoveling it in.
Because if I don't eat, she might no.
And she's actually trying to get better..
It leaves me feeling worthless.