And free and alive and happy and I'm going to dance in the rain and it's going to be awesome. I'm going to eat 1200 calories a day. I'm going to write and draw and read and make things. My life is made to be creative. Daydreams come and go and I have to capture them with pen or keyboard. I'm gonna fall in love with someone. They're going to be amazing. It'll be a whirlwind of love. I don't care if it's in the next three years and I'm going off to college before it happens. I don't care if it's AT college that it happens. I'm going to be in love eventually. My life isn't planned, but I want to live it free of all shackles. I'm going to make a completely new account and a completely new blog. When I do, I'll let you guys have the URL. I've worked hard to find the followers I have, but I need a fresh start.
Today was interesting. I had no caffeine and crashed from 7-8 in the evening. I saw L.S. today, but didn't speak to her. I had a neat conversation with her brothers. Oh, I ate normally today. I wanna keep being "healthy". I wanna look at my body and say "Not perfect, but still lovely" and feel full yet light. I've been thinking about the future. How I don't want the A-word showing up on anything around me unless it's a book that's receiving praise. Maybe that's what I'll call my first book: The A-Word and it'll be about anorexia. Oh, I drew today too. Well, yesterday, technically. I should be asleep, choir concert tomorrow.
Alice, one of them is only into it because she thinks it's really interesting and I think the other is running from the Christian God, but I'm not sure. We aren't on the best of terms. Personally, I'm into Wicca because after years of being unsure of everything, it made me feel... content. I'm dying to learn more than I already know, so if you care to teach me, I'm open to it.
Should probably head over to vampirefreaks and find Ale2x. If you're worried about people using it to find out about this, it's alright. I don't mention this blog or eating disorders or cutting. Mainly it's about my hair. Yep. Also, you'll be the first to get pictures of me. Now that I'm done advertising myself, I have to say today's great. I had a dream that involved someone cosplaying Sasuke from Naruto and me sitting on their lap and the toilets were in the living areas. Other than that, I don't remember much else. Haha I feel so...light. Like, I could push on the ground and be in the air. Sure, I'm still blah over PB not wanting to be mine, but she says that love is a miracle, even if it is impossible. Kinda like, enjoy it happened kind of thing. So, I'm looking for someone to steal me away. I'm gonna dye my hair blond soon. YAY! Uhm...I think that's all.
PB and I were in our first argument in ages. I wanna curl up and cry because it was about how I can't take a compliment. I've been told I'm shit for years. How do you take a compliment after that? How? I said sorry and that I'm just messed up and sigh. I just wanna make her happy. I'm that pitiful. Saw the new Pirates Of the Carribean movie. Uhm... Summer's boring.
I went to my brother's, A's, graduation. I felt like it was more for me than for those actually graduating. Next year, I'm going to go by Alex. Next year, I'll be better than J.P.. I'm graduating from Lexi, weak and useable, to Alex, strong and independent. I'm becoming who I should have been all along. It's also technically summer for me. I'm out of school until August. I know I've used this picture before, but it seems to represent freedom and summer to me. It sums up this post. Okay, I have something I kind of want to question. Anna and J.R. said on the semi-final day of school that Wiccan's don't like hurting people, but both of them agreed that they couldn't be pacifistic. My questioning mind wants to know why they're trying to go with a religion that's against hurting people? I mean, I'm happy that they're going with it because they both teach me so much, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but...it's confusing. None of you have to attempt to answer that, I just wanted it out there.
Americaneagle, I really hope I have an awesome dream tonight too. I've been dreaming more often lately. I really hope that you have a dream tonight and I hope it is beautiful.
I dreamed of vibrant colors, paintings, and having my first two cigarettes. My parents saw and didn't care which made it obvious it was a dream. But the whole thung made me feel like I could fly. What a wonderful way to start the day!
I'm eating so much lately. It's almost as though subconsciencely I don't feel like I deserve to anymore. I do, though. I've done so many things wrong...but I don't see fat everywhere, except my tummy which needs toning. It's new. To be able to look at my wrist in both mirror and life and say "what a small wrist..." I...don't know what I want. I kinda wanna be able to go out to eat and not think of going off and doing my first purge. But I also still feel like I shouldn't eat. Period. Is there a way to be in between? Sort of healthy? These new feelings do not change anything. I'm still doing 400 calories tomorrow.
Not this "Truth is..." crap where they say truths about other people. No, "If you really knew me..." where they say truths about THEMSELVES. I'd be all over that. First thing I'd say? "If your really knew me...you'd know I scare myself." You know what? If I get enough comments, I will make a page for it. I won't ever delete it. It'll be up forever and ever. For you to look back at and remember. PB and I were talking about it. She didn't know what either were. Now, I'm writing it on my body. My truths. The first one, on my leg, says "If you really knew me," in blue ink, and "you would know I hate myself," in almost invisible pink ink. I think in black I'll write on my arm, "If you really knew me, you'd understand that the LOVE written on my wrist was me trying to quit hurting myself." On my left leg, I'll write "If you really knew me, you'd see that I don't feel pretty." or maybe "If your really knew me, you'd know I used to believe in love." My best friends don't even know this stuff. Because they never bother to ask. I like being able to share them with people.
P.S. she loved me...in the 5th grade. Now she's only attracted to guys and it kills me. Proves that love doesn't believe in me, though.
But I don't really care. At most I've had 210 calories. Maybe it's school, but I've been chewing more gum than usual. Dad bought me a cookie and then dared to say I poisoned ANYONE and I had better stay in my room. So, I came in, threw away the cookie he had bought me, downed the rest of my coffee, and then locked the door and cut my hip. Drama at school, more drama at home. Looking up dieting tips made me wish there was a pro-ana search bar. That way when I typed in diets, it gave me extreme ones. The kind that not everyone is strong enough to do. I know you gals hate it when I cut, but I really do enjoy it. It's a release. Just like starving only a quicker, shorter high. I know, it's hard to understand and even if you do it, you don't want someone else to because it hurts. Okay, I'm really excited about tomorrow. Going over to Anna's house and hopefully (maybe?) getting my first cigarette. She says that we can't, can't, can't have her parents or my parent (who cares) know. They'll kill us. But I'm still excited.
My BMI, I think, is about 21.5. GAH!! Curses. Must. Be. Lower. Sorry, that's my spazz moment.
Alright, I'm off to be searching on various things. Toodles!
Like I'll wake upp soon and it'll be over. J.R. and I are on better terms now. He's happy that there's another Wiccan in school. Anna's having me learn about our holidays, too. There's so much to take in. Oh, J.P.'s friend threatened me. I'm not worried. What they gonna do? Punch me? Today seems very fake.
P.S. "You're not still trying to diet are you?" My voice told my therapist no because I don't want "help" but my mind said "Yes, I am, and I'm loving it."
And cut a lot. Life's going great, so why cut? I don't know. I'm not even sad/depressed. I just...like it. I know, you guys are upset to hear such a thing. But, good news! Anna is telling J.R. the WHOLE story. And at school, he believed the piece that she told him. I'm actually pretty happy because I'm getting over everything that happened. So why am I cutting? Maybe it's Spring Fever. Oh, J.R.'s older sister, S.R., is walking thinspo. She's naturally really thin, I think, but she's SO think. We're about the same height and she looks more zero and I'm more three. Alright, I think I've covered everything. OH! Wait! This is how this morning before class went, J.R.: *talking to a friend* Yeah, if she *glances really quickly at me* starts anything, I'll do something, but I'd really rather not start it. *walks to her seat for a second then to a kid we're calling C.C.* Me: Come to talk bad about me again? J.P.: No, not everything is about you. Me: *shrug* Not my fault you're a bitch. J.P.: *flashes a fake smile* Well, maybe I like being a bitch.
That's the first time I've cussed in school. I was proud. J.P. deserves to be cussed out. She's controlled my life too much. Alright, I'm gonna go. :)
She's not into me, but she says it's fine and that we can still be friends. I wish it was more than alright, but if she's happy, I'm down with that. I will not be like J.P. who gets drunk because she can't be with J.R.. Alex is setting it up so that she can smoke. She'll only do it on an empty stomach, though. That way she'll learn control. And I won't be able to smoke at home. Ever. Because no one here smokes. Ever. Life seems to be great right now. How about for everyone else?
Comments: I know I can, Rachael. I was a beast about it back in July.
P.S. I think I'll make a blog for pictures that inspire me.
So I'm eating little. It'll be alright. I'll get smaller, just in a slower manner. It'll be alright. Went to church today to make my mom happy. Yep, even if I'm not a Christian I don't burn when I walk in. She was so moved. So, I can't really hate on religion. Today's been great, actually. :)
Rachael, it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who did.
How many times do I say I won't, that I'll be stronger and then I go and eat anyway? Tomorrow, I'll really be stronger. I have to wonder if it's wrong for me to talk to Anna's ex like he's a friend? Am I supposed to be mad at him too? It's just, he's never done anything to me. I'm loving this lip gloss. It's minty and caffeinated! I'm IMing my mom on Facebook. It's funny. Okay...now that I've fucked myself for a week (piece of cake, literally) I'm hoping tomorrow will be better and I'll pretend I'm stronger. After that piece of cake, I had a piece of cheese, but that was it afterward...well, there were those two frozen cherries. I will do it. I will do a full day of fasting before school is out. If I can, I will fast for the four days until school is out.
Comments: AmericanEagle, I got it at Wal-Mart for six dollars, I believe. It's amazing. Smells like peppermint.
It was lovely, Rachael. I soooo wish I hadn't messed up...
Is great. I got lip gloss with freakin caffeine in it. Isn't that cool? It keeps my hunger down. This fast? Easy. Except for one time I almost had a cookie. I feel...nummy. Alright, I got Stay Awake lip gloss, Color Stay eyeliner, nail polish, and mascara that makes my lashes grow. I feel awesome about my buys. Especially the liner and gloss. I needed some good liner and gloss. So, RIGHT NOW, I just chillin in the front seat, legs crossed, in a bank parking lot. Kinda wanna go home, but not before Dad leaves. He's gonna kill me. Though I think it looks rather darling. UGH, I just got slammed with nervousness. This is one reason I hate fasting. I refuse, though, to doubt anymore!! I'm happy. Happy, happy, happy. There, I'm calmer. I'm in control. I'm strong.
And I'm still not really used to it. Also, I apparently missed the bottom in the back..so Mom's gonna get that later. Can't believe I did that. So, first thing I did when I woke up this morning was send PB a message that said "Told you it wouldn't happen." Why? She was actually worried about the end of the world. Pssht, the world can't end because I refuse to die a virgin.Yep. Although, dying with green hair would be kinda cool. Hey, this reminds me of a moment in Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged "Screw the rules! I have green hair!" Ahh, good times. Yeah, I just woke up. I've had nothing to eat so far. My stummy hurts so awfully bad.It's lovely because my tight, Miley Cyrus, skinny jeans are getting baggier. Okay, since Rachael DEMANDED pics, they be here. :)Sorry I look like poo. I barely wanted to even comb my hair.
And I just wanted to say Hello. Okay, Now... I have decided that I am freakin fasting today and hopefully tomorrow. It's very nice to know that J.R.'s spells and hexes supposedly are weak when they work and that this one led to me finding a sense of peace with what has happened in the past. Before, I was searching and felt so damn guilty (yes, profanity was needed.), but now it just seems like everything's all...nice. No, I'm not trying to say everyone should go and become a Wiccan, but I'm saying religious tolerance should be allowed because different people feel perfect with different religions. So, if you comment, please keep any hate away from any specific religion. Just saying. I haven't dealt with that, and I really don't wanna.
There ya go, Rachael. A whole two pictures. And this is wonderful! It's like...a peace of mind.
To be honest, Miyuki Hara, I've had a low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. In the seventh grade, when all the thin and "beautiful" chicks were turning even more "beautiful", I noticed myself skipping meals and not snacking as much around certain times of the year. I do agree, though, that teenage boy, mainly, are awful. My ex, my first boyfriend, tried touching my butt before we had even dated a month (just an example) . Thank you for warning me, but it doesn't make the fact that I crave to feel wanted and loved to go away. It makes me realize, though, that maybe I shouldn't be looking for it in a relationship, but with friends instead. People who are planning to be in my life for as long as they can. Thank you.
Alright...wow, I feel like typing still, but dunno what to say, so I'm gonna go and drink my water. Byes.
I spelled think wrong on my first try. I've had two cups of coffee only hours apart. Also probably could have had my first cigarette. L.G. is a devil like that. I feel like dancing, smoking, cutting, downing more coffee, staying up all night like this. Tonight was AMAZING! Everyone was so lovely. I wasn't ready to leave when my mom told me I had to go. L.G. was there, obviously, and she's one of my best friends. She's sooo alive. She hates where she moved to. Haha. I'm so not hungry and it fuckin feels great. I feel like... gosh. I feel out of this world amazing. I kissed a guy, who I'm not dating, on the cheek. I didn't really care either. I just hoped it wasn't ick. You know? Like, he didn't later go, "Dude, that was gross." That's about the only doubt I've had all night. Except maybe not mixing the meds I'm on with caffeine. They didn't tell me not to. Alright, I think I should go. Most of the things I'm typing are going through my head faster than I can type and so they're becoming jumbled messes that I have to go back and fix. So, basically, I've had a great night and danced about. Found out I'm well into the 130s. Which is EPIC because being near 140 freaked me out. All the time. I wanna be 120s, though.
OH! Comments! Rachael, I had loads of fun! I found out that J.R. put a hex on me when he didn't like me and so me being so friendly to him freaks him out because we believe in karma and it doesn't always have to be something bad for something bad. Which is epic. I don't care if it's karma; I'm getting over him hurting me! Sorry, this whole thing is from the coffee, I think. And I will remind him that. I'll remind him that it also says to love your neighbor and enemy.
Miyuki Hara, I really, really wish that I didn't feel the need to date. Before I didn't and then I had my self-esteem wrecked and... now since I can't really love myself, I have to let other people do it. It's terrible. I think this is the first time you've commented, so I'm gonna super thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love comments.
So, in choir, we were just chilling and talkin. This dude I was talking to tells me that gays and lesbians are all wrong. I did ask why. "Because it's in the Bible." Can't he have an original thought? I should've said, "Well I'm bi. Does that make me awful?" With an innocent look on my face.Why can't love just be love? Why do we have to judge because of who someone feels they have fallen in love with? Or even judge them by because of the gender they feel most comfortable having sex with? Why does it matter if so-and-so is a girl with a girlfriend? Why is it considered gross when she kisses her girlfriend when your boyfriend kisses you in public, just like that? I don't get it. I was gonna fast today, but my grandma gave me a cookie and I felt guilty thinking about not eatin it...so I ate it. It's Friday! The day to prowl at night in tight black skinny jeans and a nice top. The day to go out and actually have fun! The day to just...live.
Also, I'm kinda upset/pissy. My friend Anna is so..into this one guy. It makes me uber jealous. He notices her, talks to her, smiles at her, and loads of other things. They're not dating, though. She's a total air-head about him. But none of that makes me jealous. I'm jealous that she's got someone who notices her. I wish a guy/girl would notice me in a flirty manner. I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend. That's why I'm jealous.
Okay, Comments: Rachael, that's exactly how I feel! How can someone feel love is disgusting?
So, I just am ranting about something right now. See, I have a dude friend who knows I'm bisexual. This guy at our table may also be bi. I haven't bothered to ask because I don't really like him. Anyway, he has a picture of one of my OTHER friend's cousin who happens to be male. My one friend who knows I'm bi, W, threw this fit about WHY would he have that? That's soo creepy. And all this other bullshit. I sprawled across the table and said, "I'd have pics of chicks." Wanna know his reply? It's fuckin sickening. "That's different. Girls are allowed to have pics of other girls." Why aren't guys? I think I lost followers.... To be honest, even though I love each and everyone of you, it doesn't really bother me that I lost some. Also, my friend Anna has me interested in this Wicca stuff. It actually seems like a complicated, but nice religion. So, I'm asking her to teach me about it some more when she wakes from her nappy. I hope it's not just a rebellious phase because it makes me feel content. Alright, I think you guys are all caught up on my life.
It's alright, Lottie, I get that you're just trying to encourage me. And it's very hard. It's a better feeling than...two coffees drank right after each other.
Read this. The pain is mine, the thinness is a wish, the chemical high from cutting is how I feel. This proves why it's so hard (partly) for me to quit cutting. You guys tell me to stop and quit like it's easy. It's soo damn hard. I want to see my blood, to get that high. I wanna feel alive. I really wanna just cut myself. Still, I'm trying to tough it out. To break through. It's sooo hard, though. So freakishly hard. I have to remind myself that I'm worth so much more than this continually. Or I will break down and do it. Again and again and again. With my dad treating me like he does, I'm surprised that he hasn't made me feel shitty enough to cut my wrists and go, "SEE WHAT YOUR FUCKIN TORMENT DOES!?" because maybe if he sees it, he'll believe it. Screw this, I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm sure if I keep typing about this, I actually will hurt myself again. Night, ladies and gentlemen.
I ate today. And talked to PB about religion and everything. Now, I'm hoping I can make her feel better. Her mommy and step-person are fighting. I wish I could just cover her ears, and smile at her. Instead, I tell her that we'll be ok. Me, her, our friends, we'll all be ok. I like this sense of optimism that she gives me. Like, who really cares what we do? We can do anything! I love this feeling, like I'm really cared about. I don't know how much I can continue joking about loving her when I really, really do. She's amazing. Okay, enough about that. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Really nervouss. Test tomorrow in Science too. Scary. Then...I have a notebook check in one of my other classes and reviewing for finals in all the other classes. It's not too bad when I break it down like that. I hate finals.
Rachael, binging is no fun. And I'm uber glad I didn't cut, also. It's really tough, though. Everyday there's sooo many times where I just want to.
Lottie, EXACTLY, rules are made just for the sake of wrecking them (I'm going through a rebel phase)! I know... I need to quit being impulsive about how I react to things, like eating just because for the moment I feel safe enough to. Because what help is she gonna be when I'm 170 again?
Americaneaglelove, she probably has too much control of my moods. She makes me feel so safe I eat. When we're not talking, I get excited for the next time we will. We text nearly all day after school. And right now, I'm worried we'll run out of topics. And I'm thinking of waiting until my first or second year of college before getting my tattoo. That way I know I want it.
I'm giving up on having a set diet-plan. Why? I eat less when I don't have one. It feels more right to not have one. It allows me to mess up without feeling more guilty. Speaking of guilt and eating, PB makes me feel...not guilty about eating. Like it's okay to do. But then she quits texting me and... I hate myself for eating. This brat seems to be able to control whether my sun shines or dies. Which fails. Thank you who encourage my desire for a butterfly tattoo. My older brother didn't get why I would want one and threw a fit. Maybe if I said it'd keep me from hurting myself he'd be more fine with it. Also, I scare myself. Everyday, I get urges to cut...and I wanna give in. Just for that moment of "Ooowww, ow, ow...bliss." It's a beautiful moment for me. But I cannot give in. I must be strong! Have to be! Today I ate like a fat whore. Yep. I need sleep, so night.
They're a little tight, but I used to not be able to come close to wearing a 3. Period. Me and Peanut Butter (I think I'll give her a real name soon) were texting this morning, but I was mainly in my room so I didn't eat! Didn't wreck my fast. I hate how just texting her makes me feel like I can eat. It's like...she's got control over me as a person. But it makes me happy. Does that make any sense? Okay, so, I'm gonna get a diet Mountain Dew after quickly replying to you guys' comments.
Wings to Set Me Free Oh my gosh, I love, love Kill Hannah. And thank you, but I'm not really that great.
Rachael, haha our lives with friends seem to line up oddly like that.
||ANONYMOUS|| Ahh, thanks for telling me that. Now I'm a little less nervous (though it'll be years before I can get it).
Okay, I really have to go. Sorry my replies are so terrible. I <3 you guys. Toodles.
Wanna hear the excuse? PB makes me feel like I'm allowed to eat. Like it's fine that I do and I was texting her basically all day. I hate/love it. She makes me feel more than anyone else and she isn't even, like, part of my daily life. I hate it, but at the same time, I love it. I seriously crave her attention and sometimes freak out if she doesn't text back. I think I did something wrong. Tomorrow is a fast. Also, I just wanna say hi to all the new people following me. I love you and my older followers. You're all awesome. I don't really know what to say.... Usually I'm bursting with things to say. OH!! I'm going to get a tattoo when I'm older. It's gonna be on my arm and it's gonna be a butterfly. Why? So I know why I don't cut. If it doesn't hurt too bad, I'm gonna have three done (counting that one). One for Anna, one for my mom, and one for PB. Maybe a fourth one for all of you guys. They're all gonna say stuff in them like love and hope. Yep, I already have it planned out. Okay, it's, like, 11:30 and I have school tomorrow, so I'm gonna say byes and go to bed.
So, other than the fact that Dad told me the house smelled like the house was burning, there will be no mention of smoke. Alright, so I changed my diet a little to allow me to have 300 today. Wanna hear my excuse? School had mac and cheese for lunch. Actually, I'm really glad I didn't have lunch money. They had mac and cheese and I would've made the chicken sandwich into a lettuce and mayo sandwich. My diet does not need that. I've been looking at a lot of thinspo today. I don't usually because I don't find that it usually helps, but my library of it to use on here is dwindling and so I needed more. I may go back to that summery theme I had for a few posts soon. My "writing blog" has four followers! I'm very happy about this. Writing for an audience makes me wanna write more and better than usual. Also! I'm taking Classroom Driver's Training this summer! I'm so excited. I'll have my white slip/permit for nearly a year, though, before I actually get a license. I feel bad for the guy in my Geometry class who sits behind me. I turned and faced him and was like, "-insert dude's name here-! I get to take summer driver's training!" I was excited. Still am!
Comments: Lottie, thank you, thank you. Thank you for believing in my to quit cutting and thank you for telling me what you think about it.
||ANONYMOUS||, that's very encouraging. Thank you. I'll try to not give up. I keep telling myself that my whole future depends on me quitting. Though I'll probably stop writing on myself for a little bit. It's getting to the point where I just do it and don't think about what each butterfly stands for.
Comments for my other blog:
Rachael , thanks you for your lovely comments (this one and that one). I'm very proud of both of them. The first one in that list was insanely hard to write. I hate admitting how I messed up.
And because I love you guys today, have another picture.
I'm enjoy my hunger, though. I haven't been following a diet or counting calories or weighing obsessively. Which means I probably have gained some. Gosh, I hope not. I'm in a "lose weight" contest. Maybe I'll just fast tomorrow. Make up for a shitty day today. I mean, who eats cheesecake and cupcakes when they're trying to lose weight? Obviously my fatass. Crunches time because I just got done dancing. How many days until school is out? Ten more. I can't fast that long. I can't even do it for two days (fatfatfat). Maybe... Fast, 300, fast, 300, fast, 300, fast for this week. That's seven out of ten days. For the last three... 300, 200, 100, maybe? Sorry, I should think about this on my own time! It's so hard to not cut now that I've told myself I can't. I haven't! Luckily! I have faded butterflies on my left wrist and hand and the word LOVE on my right wrist. It's hard to write it there because I'm right handed, but it's worth it because that's where I mainly cut. I really don't know why I like using my left hand to. I think I've said this before, but I have tiny wrists. They're so cute. Huh... I think I may put more bad writing on my other blog. Everyone should check this out at some point. I put some of my life in there that I don't manage to get into here. Also, I want FEEDBACK! Even if you're saying how bad my writing is (please explain why if you do!). Alright, I'm going to type something up on there and then go to bed.
WAIT, WAIT!! Comment! Thanks you, Lottie! I need as many people thinking I can so that I actually believe it's possible!
It's still wet from washing the bleach out. Tomorrow, I'm dying it aqua after my choir concert. I think the pink will look good with the aqua. For those of you going, "You probably shouldn't put so many pictures of yourself online," I know. This shows how much I trust you guys. Please excuse my fat face.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif Alright, I'm gonna try on my dress (black to go with my uber blond hair) and see what my mom thinks. Then try the flats I have with it and see what she thinks about the WHOLE outfit. Oh, you guys are all so lovely. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
Rachael, Thanks you! I really wanna be an author when I'm older, so to read that someone likes what I'm spitting out makes me all tingly on the inside.
Americaneaglelove, yeah, I'm really determined to quit this time. Other times I was quitting to please my family or something, but now it's just me. I have to prove to me that I can quit cutting.
Alright, time to try on my new dress and show it to my mom. :) Toodles.
Again. It hurts when they do. For hours after. How do I know? They were fighting at 4:30. It's six and it still causes me to tear up. I cut about it. Then I remembered one of the ways that's supposed to help not do it. I drew butterflies on myself and named them with a person I care about. My mom has one on the back of my hand. Anna has one on the side of my left arm. I took a picture of it and told her that even if she didn't know it, she's helping me quit cutting. Because I don't want to cut anymore. I would just snap a rubber band on my skin, but I'm scared I'd do that enough to make myself bleed. I've been a cutter for a little over a year. I wanna stop. I wanna be able to strongly look at the kids around me and think, "They think they're problems are huge, but most of them aren't. None of mine are, I fought and won over an addiction that was completely mental." I don't want these red lines on my wrist anymore. Monday, I won't wear my wristband to school. Anyone who asks if I cut will get the response of, "Yeah, but I'm quitting. I'm gonna be stronger!" and a huge grin. I'm really gonna do it this time. When did I get 28 followers? Wait, why do I have 28 followers? I mean, really. This is just my life. My life isn't that exciting. I'm still happy about it. Okay, then, I swear to all 28 of you that I will try my hardest to not cut at all. Even when life seems like it's the most painful thing ever. These tiny wrists will no longer scream from pain. Tomorrow, I have a choir concert. Hopefully (because it poured today), it won't be humid tomorrow. Because it'll probably be warm even if we are inside, so humid will be gross. Heck, I hope it's never humid again. It makes the P.E. clothes in the lockers damp. Ick. Okay, I'm going to go get a fraggin diet soda (Mountain Dew~) and then chill out in my room. It feels odd to not wear a wristband with new cuts... If Mommy sees, I'll just tell her why they're uncovered. I'm quitting. I may not be done, may slip and have it happen again, but I'm going to quit. Okay! Soda time!~
Everybody Loves Me by Onerepublic. It's amazihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifng. Okay! Today we went shopping. Garage sales and then Wal-mart. I got shirts. At Wal-mart, I got short-shorts that are pink and what looks like black slanted lines. I got a cami/tank top/thing that's black with various colored designs. I got the sixth Harry Potter book (http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifmy favorite, but the one I didn't own). I got huge, neon index cards and a journal. Made my first journal entry as Alex Acursed (haha, just realized it's spelled wrong, but I guess it gives it character!). So, I'm gonna be writing most of today because I'm tired and feel ill. Like blecky ill. But first, comments!~
Thanks, Rachael. I've always thought my eyes were pretty bland because they're, like, brown. I used to want blue or green eyes, but now they're expressive so I forgive them for being a little boring. Everything is actually going pretty good! I usually complain about the bad things, but everything is great. Thank you for believing in me!
I love shopping, Lottie. To be both dizzy and hungry is an AMAZING feeling. Haha, I'm not dizzy anymore and kinda miss it. Yeah, really. I used to have, like, charcoal black hair.
Alright, everyone! I'm gonna go write some! Have a good day.
Shopping today. It's awesomee. New hoodie, bra, shirts, some books. I love it. They may not be school worthy, but they're awesome. Shows off my pudgey belly. That's not the cool part. I just like it. Also, I'm hungry. Super hungry. It's great. I'm dizzy-ish. Cute, huh? Lottie, I have black hair naturally and for a while I had dyed it black after dying it red so I had black hair for a while, so it's funny you did.
I sense things that aren't there. I sometimes feel like I'm holding whatever it is's hand. This sense makes dancing fun because I imagine it's like a romantic interest that can't go tell everyone I dance like a sleezy whore and because I can imagine it laughing at the joy I get from moving my body like that. Yeah, that happened tonight. Only, I kept falling onto my bed. I feel amazing. I'm almost too tired to stand and I danced around. Fun. Now, I feel lovely. Lol Goodnight.
I've lost it all by restriction. I told the girl I exercised. It was after a pause, as though I had to think. This was the first time I had been asked how I had lost my weight, so I wasn't sure how to answer. I just knew that I wasn't going to say that I wasn't eating much. Ohhh, I got a twitter account, for those interested. It is here if you want to check it out. It has a picture of my face. Yes, my face. Speaking of, I've been wanting to show you gals and guys a picture of me for a while now. That at the top is not me. This one is though (yes, stole it from my own vampirefreaks account). I never noticed, but I have a large nose. I took this myself and tried having it look like I was caught off guard by it. To be honest, I just look kinda curious. You can't really tell in this picture, but my bangs are blue, purple, and some how green. They were supposed to be just blue, but the pink ran and mixed with the blue. It's pretty neat. And I'm wearing a Vlad Tod shirt in this picture. Okay, enough about my picture.
I messed my 100 up. Two times now. I don't even remember what day of my diet I was on, so I'm going to remake it. Bad, Alex, bad. Okay, sooo~ I've been writing more. It's just something for fun, but the fact that I'm having any ideas is AWESOME! So, I'm gonna go work on that and remake my sexy diet. Toodles!
They say it kills. I've never felt more alive. The numbers go down, my mood goes up. I'm on top of the world! About a week? About nine pounds gone! Tomorrow, I'm going to go jog with Anna after school. She's getting into shape. I'm losing shape. Fun fun. Life isn't as easy as it seems. I'm tired almost all the time. But when I get going, I go and go. Until about 1 in the afternoon. Then I'm ready to rip off heads. I had lunch today. It was 160 calories. But shit they're making pizza. Who makes pizza at this time of night? Met Peanut Butter's friend. She was funny, nice. Haha. For those of you worrying, I'm healing up quite nicely. I promise, I won't cut until school's out and probably not even then. I plan on swimming this year. I'm getting tiny. Tiny is going to be nice. Did I used to have more to say about nothing? I think I did. Oh well, I'm gonna go take a shower and crash. Goodnight, dears. Have a good day today/ tomorrow.
I hear J.P. is sick from her "diet", and what do I assume? She's one of us. Then she says all the nasty, icky, fat things she's had. Alex wouldn't think of eating some of those things, like a cheeseburger. Eww. I thought "Hey, I hate this chick, if she's dieting like this, I wanna do it better." She told me all she ate. I didn't tell her I've only had HALF a pop-tart. Half of one. Fries, eggs, salad, a cheeseburger, strawberries, and waffles. What kind of diet is that? Hey, maybe she is eating too little and I can't tell anymore! How crazy is that? I feeling fuckin great, guys. I think it's eating so little. I really think it is. It's amazing compared to yesterday. It's beautiful. It's amazing. Okay, time to shower, do homework, and sleep!
Later (round 9:00 PM) Only in our messed up world can I feel strong, positive emotions for the chick who called me a fat whore, told me she lost 12 pounds to my 4, told me she weighs 97 to my 134. Only in my messed up would I hope that calling bullshit won't make her quit saying these things. Only in my world would I ASK how she does it...even though I know the answer. Alex needs to forget homework and exercise. Only in my FUCKED up would I say we're playing a game. One to see who can lose the most weight. Only in our game would I justify starving myself when you say it makes me gain. You're starving yourself too. It's the only way to get a 17.2 BMI.Only in our little game would I change beyotch to bitch and not care. Only in our game would I tell you that your BMI is in the 17's. Only our little game would make me feel so...ecstatic. Because I wear the pants this time. You're the mouse, I'm the cat. And you're making this kitten PURR.
Oh well. If you don't like what I type up onto here, then don't follow my blog. That's all I'm gonna say. Today, Mom and I talked about getting some pictures done so I'll have some to show off for any one interested in my modeling (XD Makes it sound like I'm already part of the business). We talked about how she doesn't get why Dad wants to send me to a modeling school we can't afford. I get that most people want an experienced model, but everyone needs a start. Right? I'm serious about this. I'm hoping it'll keep me from cutting as much. Maybe even give me the courage to stop? I feel light and airy. Still, my stomach hurts and so does my head. To eat and get rid of the pains? OR not eat and keep this light, ready to live feeling? I think I'll go with number 2. OH! I'm participating in this competition and I'm hoping it's gonna be fun and hard. I don't expect to win, but I posted the link so that those of you who think you can win can go and compete with me! It's gonna keep me good for a month, I swear! Today was so muggy. I thought I was gonna DIE. It was AWFUL! Now that I'm inside, though, it's too cold. So, maybe I'll go chill outside. Alright, I'm gonna go. Have a good day, everyone!
That's all this cutting says. That's what these diets say. Americaneaglelove, your comment made me literal break out in tears. And I generally forget you guys can care about me because I'm just text and a single picture over the internet. I'm so sorry I can't be strong enough to quit for you guys. I'm sorry I feel like I need someone here who can wrap their arms around me and scream at me to stop. I'm so, so, so sorry. And none of my friends ask me to stop cutting because I keep this smile on my face and keep the cuts covered. I just want one to make me feel like I have a reason to. So... I'm pretty sure I'm hurting my mom. Emotionally. I haven't spoken to her, really, since I got home.It's just... I'm hurt. A lot. And need a moment (night?) alone. I just... Don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's this month. Maybe I'm fragile now. Nice summery pic up there to make you all feel better.
Would you care if you saw this? Saw the blood that fell? Saw as I timidly burned that wrist with my straightener? Saw the tears that have finally dried? The only things that saw were my stuffed animals and they can't do shit. I wanna tell Anna, but we're dealing with her relationships. But gosh it hurts. It's so painful. I wanna scream and cry, but I know you won't care. I hate the people in this house. I wanna hop out of my window, go for a walk, feel as though I'm free for once. Feel as though I never have to go back if I don't want to. Sooo...That's my sob story for tonight.
I'm sure I just hurt my mommy by saying that I didn't want to go with them. Why would I want to? It's just another chance to be caged, and I'm not gonna get my shorts out of it. Oh, did I mention it's gonna be 90-something and the only clean, non-ripped shorts I have show off my ass? Did I mention we supposedly have no money? I'm calling bullshit on that. Still, I'm gonna wear the pink short-shorts and a fuckin tank top so their least cared about child won't pass out from fuckin heat. Maybe one day I'll be as good as C, H, A, or B. Maybe one day you'll realize that I only wanted to be your perfect daughter, the one you actually love. Not the person I am not, the one you sometimes shower in gifts, as though to say you love me, but the yelling and expecting too much and obviously hating me remains. It's true, no one makes me pick up the razor except myself. These scars go both ways, though. You make me hate what's there, so I try to get rid of it. Lookie, Mommy, Daddy! I need you! Do you love me yet? Because I swear these cuts are getting deeper and it really hurts, but I want you to care. If taking me to a therapist once a month reminds you that you need to care, than I'm fine hurting myself.
Comments: Oh my goth (don't ask, I've been saying it all day), I saw "Super Size Me" a few weeks ago, americaneaglelove. It made me not wanna eat, but then we went to McDonald's and I had the smallest meal among the people there. And thanks. I need A LOT of luck these days.
JT, this isn't a weight loss blog, though such a thing may come up. This is my hell. This is me letting out emotions I would otherwise keep to myself. This is me looking for a connection and understanding. I'm sorry that I sound snippy. I'll take a look at your blog, but I only actually follow ones I really like, that way I don't feel bad for not reading 39430583490583490 posts a day.
Remember, cutting hurts. Heck, starving hurts. Alright, toodles for now.
And it's fabulous. I'm so hungry. I haven't eaten for five hours and even then I only had a salad. I hope tomorrow isn't a binge. Today was fun. Except my dad being a grumpy-pants. And almost panicking when we went to McDonald's. I used wanting to eat cheaply as an excuse. Got a dollar side salad and a ninety cent coffee. The coffee made me giggly for a while. Now, I am RPing with my friend Peanut Butter. Do you know how weird it is to have a Sebby/Ciel moment with the chick you think you have feelings for? It's actually not to awkward now that I'm getting used to it. My Sebby's a little out of character, but the coffee is still hitting at me. Raise your hand it you felt awkward reading this paragraph!
Rachael, I'm trying really hard to not fall even harder for this chick because I think I'll break my neck if I do. But I don't want to not speak to her, you know? And I'm trying to keep my heart well guarded. People just keep pushing through, dang it.
So, I really don't know how I feel today. Kinda freaked out because I was just chillin, not even really sure I was awake, when BAM! naked dude opens my bedroom door. It's like, "Get the FUCK out." And I was texting Peanut Butter, but now she's quit replying. XD Guess that's what I get for telling her everyone has problems. It's just, I can't stand the thought of her having to deal with it all by herself. She's amazing. I dunno fer sure, but I think I loves her. Ha, I don't know anything fer sure. Today, I'm trying my 200 over. Honestly, I thought it would be easier to do it yesterday, but noooo of course not.I feel like such a failure. Tomorrow will be 800. Let's hope I don't feel like that means I can just go and eat more than that! GOSH!! I feel the need to redeem myself for messing up so much. The thing is, I feel hungry, really hungry, almost all the time so it's not until I go to count the calories that I realize how bad I was. I need to be tiny before school ends. Need to be. It's too early for anything to have had happened yet, but I'm sure something will. Ok, hopping off time. Gonna get some thinspo so I don't run out on what to put on here. Remember, everyone, to wish your mom a happy mom's day.
I like it. It's highly simple, but it's a place for me to show you guys my writing, even if my writing is horrible. I've even posted something on there for those of you who want a small dose of my writing. Have...erm...fun?
Buttt, I asked one of the employees at Hot Topic for his number. Didn't get it, but he was a sweety about telling me no. Then, for most of the ride home I figured something out. I've loved Peanut Butter since I saw her. The very first time. When I was five. I probably didn't understand the feeling, but that's why I talked to her, why it hurt when she got a boyfriend. Why anytime we were up late, talking and laughing, I wanted to hold her. I can't tell her. Long distance relationships are stupid unless you're in one before they leave. Sigh. Oh well. Or maybe I'm hungry. Not for food, but love. I wish I was loved. I pour my love to everyone else that I'm left empty. Sighh. Ok, I've decidedd -drum roll please- that I am going to make the other blog. The one for me writing. No one has to actually read it because the stories will probably not actually end. Uhm... I'm writing right now, to be completely honest. It's something I enjoy doing. A lot. Alright, I've got an awful headache, so I'm going to quit making this post, go make the other blog, and then continue writing. Goodnight, everyone. And don't eat too much on Mother's Day.
We're going to Wal-Mart instead of garage sales. :( Both of us woke up way too late for garage sales. We're leaving at 2ish. I'm gonna spend the twenty dollars on clothing. Speaking of I need to get all of these clothes off the floor of my room. It used to look so clean without them all over my floor and now they're consuming my floorspace. To be honest, I think I have too many clothes. I'm gonna go through them soon and give Mom the ones I don't want and she'll get rid of them somehow. Probably donate them somewhere. Most of them will be my size nines and large shirts that I don't want. So far, I haven't had a thing to eat. I'm probably gonna have some tea because I'm hungry. Apple cinnamon tea because it tastes good even without sugar or sweetener. I don't know what I'm going to eat with my 200 calorie limit, but I'll probably have salads and fruit. Anyone else realize that how we live is so...hard? I like it. ;) It's a challenge. Alright, as unhealthy for my hair it is, I'm gonna go straighten my hair and then tease it. Then, I'm gonna look like a pale raccoon. Meaning, I'm getting off here and getting my booty ready to go to Wal-Mart. What? I have to look my best no matter where I go. Firsst, Comments! ^^ Americaneaglelove, I twisted my shoulder a certain way and it stuck out more than I was used to and I moved my head and BAM! they smacked each other. Ohmygoodness, I love garage sales tooo! I really wish Mom would take me even if all there is is the crappy stuff. Have a lovely day! Alrighty, now it's time for the Alex to go. =3 Have a nice day everyone.
Started listening to You Left Me by The Maine and imagined J.P. sitting on my bed and pretended I was singing it to her. It was epic and now I only feel like dancing. I should be getting ready to sleep, though. Mom wants to take her ittle daughter out garage saling. Which also makes me incredibly happy. I'm happy, even though today was an epic fail. So, I'm dancing around in my underwear and a tank top. Well, I mean, not now because I'm typing and that would be hard, but earlier I was. Gosh! I love music! Love, love, love it! I feel so free! I love sun-shiney pictures. My collar bone is hard. I found that out (after days of tapping on it, scratching at it, and just generally touching on it) tonight when I smacked my chin on it. I feel ready to just march off and take on the world! My goodness it's great! Woosh! Wind in my hair (there is no real wind). I'm one of my few friends who isn't going to get high this weekend using drugs, yet I think I'm high anyways. I feel better than I have for ages!! But I have fat thighs. Dance them off? ^^ Sounds fun. Ok, I probably, probably, should chill out. Probably won't because I'm so hyped up that I can almost see things that aren't there. Right now I can only sense them! And it's excitin to have an audience like that. But I am gonna hop off of here. Stay lovely, everyone! ^^
Rachael, I dunno if I will.None of my friends in real life get to read my writings. Then again, I feel more of a connection to everyone here. If anything I would make it from the website/blog my dad made for me this year sometime. That way my sister could read it too. I'll think about making a blog on here for it, though! ^^
My cutting is rampant. It's easy (except for today) to not eat. Writing is coming easier. Yaoi manga is one of the few topics I go into during lunch. Only...I'm happy like this. I don't get it. I didn't think I was depressed during the winter, but I seemed healthier (eating normally, cutting little, ect..) Today was an okay day. Neither of my friends could hang out today. Boo. But I got paid twenty dollars with twenty more on the "remind me" list that Grandma has (meaning, I'm getting paid 20 more later). She only gave me twenty because my little brother would've seen it as unfair even though I mowed most of her lawn and wasn't gonna even ask to be paid. Mom gave me a dictionary, thesaurus, and grammar book, so maybe my writing will be more creative now. Food wise? I fail today. I am a failure food wise today. I probably had a "normal" amount of calories. Guess, since I failed it two days, 300 is going be the beginning to a new diet. Tomorrow is 200. Maybe I'll actually only eat that much. I think 300 is harder because I get to, like, 270, but then find something I really want to eat and I tell myself no, no, no, but then I start obsessing over it. For some reason, that doesn't happen to me on any other calorie count. Like, yesterday, 600 was a breeze. Soooo~ I'm thinking of making YET ANOTHER blog. This one will be dedicated tooo my writing! Just for those of you who give a damn. Anyone think it's a good idea??? Please tell me whether or not you do! Your opinion matters! Yeah...I'm done ranting. Until later!
Alex doesn't know how to take care of herself, so she tends to wake up not feeling well and blames it on hunger. Then she usually skips breakfast or has only yea or coffee. She also typed this all u[ while laying on her back, staring at the ceiling wishing she was smaller with more will power. Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with friends. Short shorts and a cute top here I come! I wanna look my best and I have semi-good looking legs. Semi. Then again, I'm a size 3 at 137 pounds. I've got no butt, but before the butt, it's gotta go over everything else. Also, I have a small frame. I'm wondering where all this weight is. It must be my face and neck area...or my boobs. But I just found out that because I have a small bone structure, I'm WAY out of a recommended range. I should be, at most, 125 pounds (57 kilograms). But I'm 137 pounds (62.3-ish kilograms). Say it with me, Alex is fat. So, I'm pretty sure Anna broke my finger. Sure, sure, I don't nearly cry when I move it, but it's hurt since 2:40 something and now it's 11something. Also, I have a bad, continually headache and slice open my body without numbing it. I think I can handle a little pain. Yes, this doesn't make almost start crying, but it DOES make me wanna cuss when I bend it certain ways. It hurts. Alright, I probably should be getting ready for bed, SOO~ comments! Aww~ Savanna, thanks for worrying openly! I'm feeling a lot better now. Thank you for asking!
This morning, I woke up so hungry I felt sick. I thought about skipping breakfast, but wondered if that would lead to binging. Ssoo, I had a neat ittle breakfast of yogurt and diet soda. It was..ok. I felt like I was seriously gonna throw up mid-way through the yogurt, but finished because I didn't wanna throw it away. No lunch will be devoured today. :) Also, brought my r-a-z-o-r with me in my purse. Just in case, you know? Bleh, so tired. Already. Just wanna go back to beddie bye. I has a hoodie that used to be uber tight. Now it's fitting ok. I think I stretched it out. I think my tummy is smaller. Noticeably smaller, I means. Also, my current worry is that all my friends know I cut last night and don't care enough to ask. Sad, isn't it? I'm gonna be seeing my friend from kindergarten to sixth grade and have cuts on my arms. Once it's dark out, I'll slip the wristband into my back pocket because I don't really like wearing it. But I'm not going to walk around with cuts on my wrist. Oh, this chick who is super cool and in my art class had cut scars up her arm. I wanted to ask if she used to cut. I wanted her to see my cuts that way, maybe, someone would I know would care. On a happier note, I'm reading yaoi manga. Call me pitiful, but I think it's got better art than most other manga. And the one I'm reading actually has a storyline! Kyyaa~ I'm in fangirl heaven (or at least Alex heaven!) . And I love, love, love this one that I'm reading! It's so great. Oh! Speaking of manga! I've decided that I'm not gonna go as Misa (well, maybe), but as Sebby~(from Kuroshitsuji). Mainly because my friend, Anna, has me in her phone as "Bassie" and that's what, in the English anime, Grell calls Sebastian. Sorry, nerdy moment. Alright, I'm gonna try to nurse my poor finger and finish this manga! ^^ YEAH!
I wouldn't have these scars, these cuts. I wouldn't have hunted for a sharper razor blade. I wouldn't have found one. My thumb, my wrist, wouldn't be bleeding.
Heck, if I was stronger, I wouldn't know that I like cutting my right wrist, or that I like using my left hand for cutting.
If I was stronger, I'd be crying after cutting, not slightly content. It's been...a while since I was this bad. Guess a trip down memory lane caused this and I was weak enough to give in. I carry less baggage than most of you out there, but mine came from my friends. Or, who I thought were my friends. They didn't believe me, lied to me, told me to kill myself (as you got to read in the last post). When someone asks why I see a therapist, I say simply because I'm crazy, with a grin on my face. Those are the actual reasons (plus my dad fuckin with my self-esteem). Those of you who want to cut, don't. It hurts. Physically, and eventually emotionally. Those of you who hurt yourself in any way, I'm sorry you hurt so much that you do.
I need some sleep. Sorry to those I upset by cutting. I know you want me to quit, but... I dunno.:/ I just don't. Goodnight, darlings.
I know I went of 600 and 700 and probably even 800. The emotion consequence is awful. I feel like cutting, like I'm super ugly, like no one will ever ask me out. Basically, I feel like no one will ever love me. I wanna be loved. I wanna be held and kissed and told I'm beautiful. I wanna be someone's girlfriend and I want that to be my motivation. Yes, I realize that it's pitiful of me to feel like that. I just don't feel like my ex's ever "loved" me. J.P. said a few times that she did while we were together, but as part of breaking up with me said she realized she hadn't...ever. Guess what? I did. I loved you. Now, I couldn't care less. My ex-boyfriend, I know I've said this, but I think he only liked me for my body and didn't care enough to actually have anything more than that. I just want one person to show me that I won't always be treated like this. That I'll feel loved eventually. That, maybe, they love me... Sorry, you guys don't need to read my mental break downs.
Oh, I think every day I mess up, I'll make a new diet of them, starting a week after this one ends. First day will be 600 calories because I messed up today. I think it's fair. At first I was just gonna cut my 300 in half, but then I was worried about binging... and I don't want that. Not at all. So, I'll continue with the normal 300, make a new plan starting a week after this one ends (repeating myself.)
I don't think Anna get it. J.R. still kinda scares me. No, he kinda really terrifies me. I act ok, and forgot that he did, until she started texting me about how funny he is. Then I remembered. You know what Lexi drop dead. Go kill yourself I don't care. You would be doing the world a huge favor. No, No, NO! I refuse. I'm a strong, worthwhile person! Jump down a well, drown in your own vomit, slit your own throat I really don't care anymore. Do not think about that! It ruined one summer, made you damn near crazy. DO NOT think about that!! Only, I can't...not... think about this. This is my Hell, can't you see? That brat was supposedly my friend at that time. J.P., I'm fine with the thought of Hell because I am here. Every monster in my head screams those things, and when I'm weaker I give up and just cut.
Don't worry, Strange Toes! =3 I think we all get pretty anti-social at times.
Alright, I'm gonna go do my homework and go to bed.
I was thinking about L.S. and realized... I don't hate her. I told myself that so that J.P.'s ruling over my life would seem like it was my choice. Now, I realize that I told myself that it was too stressful for them to be friends because I wanted my own reason. I want to say sorry. And I want to explain. J.P. threww a fit over it, quit talking to me for a while, and to please her I said that. J.P.'s the one who told me that they were hanging out. I'm sorry, L.S., that I stood up for her instead of agreeing with you when you called her all those things. I'm sorry I didn't stop talking to her sooner.
But more importantly, Alex is feeling...Well, alone. I want a boyfriend/girlfriend. I want that feeling of being loved that I pushed away because I was scared all he was thinking about was my body (which I hated and still hate). I just wanna be loved, you know? I feel like if I do this, all the way through, people will realize I'm strong and beautiful. They'll fall to my feet, begging for me to go out with them. I know it's not gonna happen, but it motivates. Good news? I stayed under 700. Day One, done. Tomorrow, six hundred. So, I told my therapist that I quit cutting. Only, I don't want to. It's more like a safety net now. I don't do it to deal with anything. I do it when I want to. I do it to see the blood, to remind myself that I'm alive. Today, I wrote on myself. My mom hurt me, slightly, by saying she was glad it was "semi-washable" and asked why I wrote on myself, but it sounded like she was sad. I used to do it all the time. It makes my pale skin look paler.
Rachael, as a reply to your lovely comment, I hope I make it out alright! Also, I want you to know you, yes, YOU are the reason I want to be stronger. You make me want to be a better me. Both your blogs make me feel like I have the world in the palm of my hand and it dances to my song. Even when you're weak, hurting, scared, and feeling like crap. When you text me, I get excited because it's like hearing from an older sister who I was really close to.
EVERYONE should go show Miss Rachael some love.
Uhm... I have two chapters of "To Kill A Mockingbird" to read tonight and a shower to take. Only, I don't want to. Oh, and I have to fit in some exercise. Need to quit it with the excuses. Only, I wanna write more than I wanna exercise. No, no, I need to exercise or I'll still end up a fat pig. I'm cold...
But I've been cutting for about a year. I remember, I started toward the end of April. I remember that I hid it under the cutest wristband I had owned. It helped while playing volleyball in P.E.. It was striped with Hello Kitty on it. That was when L.S. pretended she cared, T.H. wasn't going to be moving, and Anna and I didn't hang out. I guess we have to keep moving. Looking back like this cannot be healthy. I need sleep, I know. But it's just...amazing. I've been hurting myself for a whole year. Six months ago the ninth of this month, I'll have been in therapy for half a year. Tomorrow, I'm gonna ask if we can have more frequent appointments. I feel free when I can rant. I don't wanna be treated like some kid with zero coping skills. I don't wanna be treated like I'm depressed because I have fun a lot of the time. It's just...I have a heavy past. But, like the people in that picture, I wanna move forward.
"One little revolution could turn it all around"
And this needs to be here too (for when I'm having a bad day):
"I know sometimes it's hard to find the strength to turn the page When all of our tomorrows look like used up yesterdays"
Song is One Little Miracle by Hawk Nelson.
Alright, I need to go to bed or I'm gonna die tomorrow. Goodnight. Maybe one day I'll tell you guys all about me. Every right that was wrong and every wrong that changed and made me.
I've been AWE-FUCKING-FUL. I was fine until I got in the car and Dad has two cookies waiting. BUT even then I held strong. It wasn't until everyone was eating sandwiches that I was like, food, food, food, food, need, food, food, food... Then, I had a sandwich with a slice of bread (110 calories, ouch) and two freaking slices of cheese AND ranch dressing. Oh, and I'm not done. I had a doughnut with sugar on it. Now, I don't feel like I'm gonna collapse. I'm just disappointed with myself. ALEX, YOU'RE A DAMNED FAILURE! NOW, revise that so that you'll be more CAPABLE to do it. Yes, scary thoughts that I lurv because you're so much better at this. Yup, I'm talking to myself. It keeps my thoughts straight. Revised Diet (starts tomorrow): Day 1: 700 Day 2: 600 Day 3: 300 Day 4: 200 Day 5: 800 Day 6: 100 Day 7: 900 Day 8: 200 Day 9: 100 Day 10: fast <3 Day 11: 80 Day 12: 700 Day 13: 300 Day 14: 100 Day 15: 400 Day 16: 700 Day 17: 200 Day 18: 500 Day 19: 150 Day 20: Fast <3 Day 21: 400 Day 22: 600 Day 23 (last Day): fast
I'm hoping that after nine days of little to eat, I can fast no problem. And yes, I'm planning to not eat the last day of my school year. I know it's not really as brutal as the other one, but I get AWFUL headaches if I don't eat enough. Then I feel like air, but it's not really worth it all (lies, lies, lies).
Alrightt~ Comments, comments!~
It is more than slightly harsh and I'm a wuss, so... As you can see, lottie, I'm giving up (but replacing it with my own!). And I'm glad you like it! It's supposed to be all summery because I'm really excited for this summer and don't know why. I don't really have anything planned, but I'm excited all the same!
Okay, today has a limit too! Despite all that I've eaten, I'm having dinner. A small dinner. I feel so fat... Ok, I'm off to be more fat.