New Year's Eve

I was thinner last New Year's Eve.
I felt prettier.
I wanna be prettier.
I wish I wasn't planning on eating crap tonight.
I need to start running.
And doing crunches.
And exercising outside of school.
I need to curl or straighten my hair.
I need to put on make up.
I need to actually try to look good this semester.
Next semester starts my "senior" year.
I'm set to graduate early if I don't screw up.
I only get two more semesters.
One Prom.
One last year to lose weight and get where I need to be.
Two more semesters to be "the pretty one".

I still have a really noticeable scar

Remember when I sliced my wrist with a bread knife? The scar has gotten a lot better, or it's better today. Sometimes it's really dark purple and my skin is really white. Part of me thought that maybe it would be better than it is. Then again, I apparently have no concept of time when I look back. Sometimes, I think it happened a month ago, weeks ago, years ago. Sometimes, when I look at the scar the panic comes back, the memory still raw. It doesn't happen as much now. I can remember how it was ripped wide open. It was terrifying, but I haven't felt anything so...freeing since. Yes, I felt panicked and scared, but they were only vague after a while. After a while, they drifted on my peripheral. After a while, I didn't feel anything strongly. Don't worry, I'm not going to do it again. Having that fresh panic hit me, randomly, when I'm writing, getting a drink, hugging my girlfriend, doing normal human actions is no fun.
I haven't lost any weight. I'm so confused. I can't eat much because I feel sickly after.  Physically, I'm feeling. The light-headedness that I missed, vision going black and then coming back... Being chilled worse than everyone else. The way coffee made me feel after not eating for a long time. I don't think I realized how much I really missed this. All of it. Anyway, I haven't lost weight. I stand on the scale, shift my weight to see if that'll lower it. It doesn't change. 165. Shift, shift, shift. 165. don't eat for hours. 165. Try to ignore it all. Go to bed. Get online. Use the excuse that I don't feel well to not eat. Have too much coffee. Suddenly too bubbley. Crash. Weigh. 165. Want to scream. Listen to music. Try to write about something other than suicide (no, I'm not suicidal.). Pace room. Worry that J.P.'s not gonna come back. Run downstairs. Weigh. 165.
Ok, I really don't weigh myself too much. I know it's gonna say the same thing. I know that it's not going to change. Sometimes, after I go to the bathroom, I'll see. It's really always the same. It makes me feel so broken when I almost cry over the unchanging number. I almost threw a fit one day when no one was home. I almost punched the island in our kitchen. I almost screamed. I pulled at my hair.
I have tiny wrists. They're getting bigger, though. I can't easily touch my index finger and thumb together when I wrap them around my wrist. That was my biggest satisfaction when I lost weight. I'm such a blob.
I'm gonna go to bed before I call myself anything worse.

I feel really sick when I eat

I don't know what's wrong with me, but sometimes I eat a little and feel like I'm going to die. Other times I can eat a lot, but then I still feel like I'm going to die. I don't know if it's physical or psychological. Or both.
Mom says it's the start of an ulcer.
I'm scared to weigh myself and ruin my Christmas.
OH! Christmas.
It's been great so far. Didn't get out of bed until nine thirty, which is late on Christmas in my house. Usually everyone gets up around...five or seven. Yeah, in the morning.
My mom made me feel like a rich brat. She got me a TV, a wii, and four phone cases. The TV is only a twenty-four inch and the wii is used and the cases are my favorite part of that. She also got me PJ...bottoms? Only. And a PillowPet and make up and a bodywash/lotion/ect. pack and I unintentionally got an XBox 360. My older brother A got one from his dad, so I got his old one. It works great, but sometimes you have to take a knife to the little drawer thing where the disk goes because it sticks. To make me feel better, though, when I talk to her about it, Mom said she didn't spend more than 200 on me. Which for what I got, I was really shocked! She also got my this ring that looks like a lily and has a pearl? in it.
I really wasn't expecting to get much. Oh, and the one thing I actually asked for I'm getting the beginning of January.
And I got to see J.P. today. It felt really nice. Totally different from when I see her everyday. We talked about her plans for today (I don't really have any), we hugged, said that we love each other (only once), talked a lot. I love that chicka.
I hope you all have a great day! I hope you have a great Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a great other holiday. And if you don't celebrate anything, I just hope today is extra special.

I thought I looked good, until I weighed myself.

So, I got up, did nothing until J.P. went to work, and then I came home, took a shower, and bothered doing my make up. I haven't eaten all day. I thought I would at least weigh less than I did yesterday. Nope. Two pounds more!
I can't believe I actually bothered doing my makeup. I never do like my whole face. I throw on some eyeliner, maybe some foundation and powder, and worry completely about my hair. Not today! Oh no! I did that green concealer stuff that's supposed to make your acne less noticeable, foundation, lipgloss, powder, eyeliner, mascara, and layered two colors of eyeshadow (black and a dark brown. It's a really pretty color, but I was going to do purple and black, but couldn't find my black.). It all seems completely pointless because I haven't  done anything with my hair, and am wearing a hoodie and ripped jeans. So I think I'm gonna go straighten, tease, and hairspray my hair. I don't have anything better to wear.
Maybe then I'll actually look good when J.P. gets off work at two??
Oh...and coffee. I'm gonna go have some of that shit. Excuse my language, it just seemed to fit better than "crap"

It's almost Christmas.

So, I'm fat, but I'm having almost all the symptoms that I had at my lowest weight. My vision doesn't go black and I'm not as crabby, but I'm freezing, lightheaded, can't think, get tired really easy, only want to sleep. I'm still around 165. I feel hungry (but I eat all the time).

Ok, so NERD MOMENT. I read the chapter of Naruto online(Spoiler ALERT) today where Neji dies. I would've cried if J.P. hadn't basically yelled at me to help her finish wrapping gifts. That was such a depressing death! It was really good, but it was so sad. Like, why couldn't it have been someone less cool?  And he was like "Because I've been called a genius" and it's like...I dunno, I died.

So, I told J.P. that it's less than six months until ASTL, so I'm starting a diet. I wanna look absolutely dashing in my Jolteon cosplay. I don't know how I'll ever be thin enough to think that I look great.

So,I see that I have new followers. Yes, I know you're there. I don't know who you are, sorry. If you comment, I'll love on you a whole bunch. Yes, yes I will. I will love you more than my penguin mugs that I drink loads of coffee from. That's a lot of love.

So...I don't know why this hit so hard, but today my older brother was wondering what's going to make him lose weight in the coming year. It was...triggering? I think. I'm not sure. I don't feel like I did when I was going through my clothes (depressed). I felt.. empowered? maybe? to not eat. It was weird. Not really a sensation I've had for a while. Oh! Yesterday I went into my second hysterical fit ever. J.P. eventually had to hold me to her to keep me from hurting either of us on accident. I don't even know why I reacted that way. Like, we had been fighting and I was acting like I had given up on everything (I was feeling very apathetic about life in general) and suddenly, I was bawling and she told me to lay down and calm down and trying to gently push me down onto my bed and I started out just pushing her away and then I started thrashing about, unable to breath through my nose because it was so full of snot (ewww). Finally, I just laid down and after she went to the bathroom and turned off the lights, I clung to her. All day today, I've been scared that she'd leave and just not come back (even though we were at her house). I don't know what was wrong. I swear, I wasn't using any kind of drug.

Finals.

They're in a few days. I should be scared, nervous, something. I shouldn't be standing on the scale, seeing close to 170, and thinking I shouldn't eat. I should be worried about passing pre-calculus. Since I know that, why can't I think of that? Why can I only think of how I just don't want to eat ever again and how if I tell J.P. that she'll blame herself and think she's the only reason I don't (and she is). But instead of working out, I'm sitting here, on the computer, complaining about how fat I am.
Maybe I should actually go work out.
Oh, I'm set to graduate in a year. A year from now. Like, I only have to go the first semester of my senor year.
But I also have to order my gown next year. J.P. told me that I have to be the size I want to be by then... I wanted to be ninety-nine pounds before I graduated. It's not going to happen. I also wanted to be one fourteen, but that's not going to happen either. She won't let it. I'll get thinner and happier and she'll remind me to eat. She'll tell me how sick I am. She tell me that getting better is so much better. What if I don't want to be better? What if I know I'll be happy when I step on the scale and see the weight I want? What if I just don't want to be better?
Why try so hard to force me?

I used to do it to feel free.

When I stepped on the scale, the numbers went lower and lower.
It's the most freeing thing.
It's also the most capturing.
When I was so set on not eating, I didn't care what people said.
The hatred was in my head.
It was all me.
...except with my parents.
Everything they said somehow affected me.
Other than that, though, everything was me.
Now, I have this meddling girlfriend who acts like she's cool with me not eating, but talks about the future and how great it's going to be.
She doesn't seem to get that just because I don't starve or cut nearly as much anymore doesn't mean those thoughts just went away.
I want a future.
I also want to not eat.
Or to eat very little, which I used to be great at.
Now I'm better at not eating until I get to lunch at school.
It feels mandatory to eat.
One day, I'm going to freak out.
One day, I'll get tired of seeing the numbers go down and then back up.
One day, I'll end up looking at J.P. and going "Do you not get it?!"
It's a fight.

I just wanna be skinny.

I don't mind cutter jokes, to be honest.

So long as they're not directed at someone.
It's like, "You know? I'm cool with you being able to joke about that. It means you haven't seen what that can do to a person."
Good for them
Someone in my Spanish 1 class told one of his friends that something mean that his friend did was the reason he cuts.
He was kidding (I'm pretty sure).
Like everyone gets upset when people joke about cutting and stuff because it's supposed to be serious (and it is, don't get me wrong), but why can't anyone just calm down and enjoy the fact that if they can joke about it that means that they haven't gone through it?
Like I can't joke about cutting or disordered eating.
It physically hurts to even try.
Some of us use it to cover up the fact that we do, which is cool by me too. If you're not ready to get better, you're not going to get better anyway.
Anyway, *steps off soap box* that's my rant.

I asked my mommy for snakebites.
It was scary. I thought she was going to yell at me.
She said no when I asked again and then I explained that I don't have to have rings (my older brother A. has a ring in his) that I could have studs.
She then said to talk to her about it after the first of the year.
So it if the world doesn't end before then, I may get my lip pierced.

So, I've started listening to Pierce the Veil again.
They're pretty boss.
I have homework I should be doing, but I don't want to.
Also, I know I haven't posted in DaydreamingofHunger  in a while, but I'm going to make it over and drop a whole bunch of thinspo into it sometime tonight.
Shamelessly promotion.
I don't really know how I'm going to change it, but I am.
It'll look different.
And hopefully prettier.
Not that I hate it.
It looks pretty beast right now.
It's just not my thing anymore.
Is everyone ok with this blog? Since it's my main one I try to make it easy to read and very lovely.