Friday, December 31, 2010

I cannot believe me.

I hurt my best friend, J.P. over...well, something that happened a while ago.
The way I described it, as she was near tears anyway, was "It's like being abused by a parent and not being believed when you tell people, so you give up trying and get set to just go with it." Even as I knew she was crying about the guilt she felt over that, and as I was being torn up by my own guilt, I couldn't say sorry and didn't cry. Am I becoming...cold?
On the plus side, I ran 20 minutes today. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for that.
So...Sleepy beddie time.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Let me ramble about my shopping trip

Ok, so after going to Wal-Mart and Toys "R" Us, we went to Barnes and Noble (the bookstore). While I'm standing there, looking at the teen nonfic, this dude from choir comes over and starts talking to me. Basically, we talk about how everyone seems to out doing things today because he was, like, the thirty thousandth (huge exageration) person I saw that I knew and he said someone else was out in that town and it was crazy.
But it was weird that he got my attention and started talking to me. We come from totally different groups of friends and have barely spoken in the past. I would've understood if we were in the same aisle and our eyes kinda met and he said hi. That's just considered polite and he's pretty polite. But no, it looked like he had walked over to talk to me and then after an awkward silence, he walked off, making it look like he had somewhere else to be.
Maybe I'm over thinking, but he's just one of those kids who make you over think. It's cause he's so nice and his self-esteem is worse than mine, which pretty bad, and I've heard rumors that he's recovered/recovering from and ED. So, he would deserve someone really special.
...That's my ramble...for now.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Note: I'll post here once I get my thoughts organized.
I'm in one of those moods where I keep blanking and spacing out. Generally, I can't keep a single thought flowing. This is bad because I'm trying to write today, but could be because one of my friends, J.P., told me she attempted suicide (again) last night. Or it's the caffiene. Or the fact that all my tears seemed to be reserved for myself. What a selfish brat.
We had our Christmas concert last night and apparently did amazing. Mom said I looked beautiful, but I think she's full of it. I've never been beautiful. Sure, sure, I pretended I was the best frickin thing that this world had ever seen, that nothing could touch me, but look at where that got me.
I like to pretend that when I'm at school, my acting is perfected, to the point that the pain is lost. I like to think that when I'm seen outside of school, the pain of new cuts obvious on my expression, I seem like a stranger to those who have only seen me there at school. I like to pretend that I don't trust people, because I shouldn't. The people I threw most of my trust to turn it against me, cause me to mutilate me. I like thinking that my reasons for hating you, J.R., is justified. You don't tell one of your friends, who you happen to know that is cutting, to kill themself or that the world is better without them. Don't try to act like we're friends now. J.P. told me that she thought I was just trying to ruin her relationship until I showed her the messages. Yeah, I like pretending I don't trust everyone even though I've been hurt like this. I like pretending that striding with my head held high means something to me. I love pretending that people can relate to me because we've all been to our own little section of Hell at least once.
Isn't it funny how the world seems huge when I'm full of hope, and tiny and suffocating when I'm lonely? Truly, I'd do anything, almost, to kill this loneliness. Though I guess that would mean forgetting everything I've taught myself and being real at school. I'll admit it, I don't have many friends and I realize that most the people who say they're my friends would high tail it away from me if they ever saw the reality of me. They don't see a lot. They don't see the depression, the anxiety, the angry, the self-harm... I can bottle it all up when they're looking, release it when they aren't. All they get to see is happiness, optimism, smiles, compliments, the perfectly weaved together lies.
Why is it so easy to be what they want when before them? Why is it so easy to keep these broken emotions in tact when they're askin me to dance to their tune? Why is it so easy to do what they ask, while only slightly breaking the normal? Why is easy to be different, but pleasant when they ask? Am I merely their dog with a long enough chain to believe I'm free, while knowing I'm not?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Attention, Attention~

I love that song, BUT not the point of this post. My new blog that I mentioned wanting to put together is now thrown together. It can be found here for those of you interested in keeping up with my life. Sorry that some of you just started following this blog and I'm making a new one.

Okay, so...

Today my Christmas Concert was concelled because we got snow and since we don't get much snow everyone spazzed out. And while I was reading this lovely blog she mentioned this which (for those too lazy to click the link :P) is 30 letters in 30 days. Everyday, a new letter is written to a different person. These are the people listed in the orignal post:

Day 1: Your best friend.
Day 2: Someone you secretly think is cute.
Day 3: Your parents.
Day 4: A sibling. (Or relative if you’re an only child.)
Day 5: Your dreams.
Day 6: A stranger.
Day 7: Your ex.
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11: Someone who died.
Day 12: The person who has caused you the most pain in your life.
Day 13: Someone you wish would forgive you.
Day 14: Someone you have drifted away from.
Day 15: The person you miss the most.
Day 16: Someone that doesn’t live in your state/country.
Day 17: Someone from your childhood.
Day 18: The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind (good or bad.)
Day 20: The person that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21: Someone you judged by first impression.
Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23: Someone who makes you laugh really hard.
Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25: A person you know is going through hard times.
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27: The friendliest person you only knew for a day.
Day 28: Someone that changed your life.
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to.
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror.
In case you can't tell, I wanna do this. In my room, I'll keep a folder and put the letters in there.
In other, maybe more important news, I'm thinking of starting a new, more organized blog. Okay, that'll start either tomorrow or later today. Dunno which.

Meh, not unexpected,

but makes me unhappy nonetheless. Binge. It doesn't make me as unhappy as it would if I was doing this to try and lose weight, but it makes me unhappy that my body can't just decided what it wants. Now, even though I won't do it, I feel like puking and my stomach hurts like crap and I just feel depressed again. Probably because I don't feel well physically..?
I've started another story (which may or may not ever end, lol). Honestly, I've felt creative this week and actually wanted to write the version of this one movie that the other students in one of my classes came up with. I'll never be able to watch that movie again without expecting the snowman to rape the kid... It's a kids' movie, by the way. It was The Snowman. Yeah, don't watch that movie with a bunch of bored and/or hyper high schoolers.
I got sidetracked. I was gonna talk about what the story I started is about. Imagine...going off to a Christian summer camp (only because it's the only type of camp I've been to ^^ and it makes the relationship so much more fun) with a mouth that would make a sailor blush because your mom is just sick of seeing your face around the house. Now, imagine meeting and dating someone ten years older than you while there...Yeah, I don't really have much other than that because I make it up as I go along. Either way, it's fun to write and it's really weird because I'm getting into the characters which I always found hard in the past. Maybe I'll actually end up finishing this??? Haha, I doubt it, but whatever.
In other news, I got a comment I wanna reply to. ^^ I'm actually a very honest person..except apparently to my mom. I tend to avoid situations where I may lie, though, and am very bad at lying. Generally I'll stumble over words when I lie (or am tired), so I make my voice quieter, hoping it won't seem as bad and if I think too much about the fact I'm lying I do something that gives me away. So I try not to lie.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The world came to me the other day,

asking "Why are you so nice?" With the all the wisdom I've gathered in my 14 years, my reply came, "In this life you must be two things to be loved, nice or beautiful. I'll quit being the former when I manage to see myself as the latter."

Probably shouldn't be posting so early into the day, but...

I was reading a list of ways to keep yourself from feeling hunger and it hit me...If it gets soo bad that I'm cutting, the next thing will be that I simply can ignore the hunger pains. I'll be hungry for hours and never realize it until I'm reaching for the soda/water/whatever and then it'll hit me. Yeah, I reached that point today. I kept myself caffeinated after I left home with my mom around six. There's this one energy drink out there. 145 mg/whatever it's measured in of caffeine and the calories are only 30 and the bottle is tallish so it seems like there's a lot in it. I'm probably gonna manage to kill myself drinking them, but it tastes better than coffee, so... eh.
Ok, so anyway, I guess I'm rehydrating now because that's all I've had since we got home... Water. I must be going through more than I am willing to actually acknowledge for my body to become self-destructive. Well, since it's about 2:29AM, I'm gonna go to bed.

grapes(4): 16
apple slices(4): 40
coffee (12oz): 3
total: 59

cheese bites (2)=50
cherries(4)=24 (feel free to correct this if you think it's wrong.)
diet mt. dew= 0

Nothing. I'm at home, and don't feel like eating. Though I guess I don't have to explain myself to you guys.

Cherry (3)=18

This is why I don't set a limit on my calories. Because if I don't wanna eat, this is how I eat.
We went shopping today because I needed black shoes for tomorrow because I be in concert choir at school. So, I picked up a couple tank tops and a pair of capris because we're wearing our robes and can wear whatever under it. Honestly, it looks like I'm gonna go work out in dress shoes instead of singing in a choir. Hey! Maybe I'll use them for that after this, use them as exercise clothes.
I've been lying a lot lately. First I told my mom that one of my shirts was bloodstained because I had cut myself while shaving and it was the first thing I saw when I realized it, so I used it to apply pressure to make the bleeding stop. Totally a lie. Then today I told her I was getting a large and medium tank top in case the large doesn't fit. Well, I'm actually just gonna use it as something to strive for once I start eating normally again (or I decide that this is just fine).
Maybe I'll ask my mom for a jump rope for Christmas. That way, I can start jumping rope...Though I guess I could hop up and down for a while, but it's just not as fun as jumping rope. I guess I'll find something to do because sitting around all day is not an exercise.
Okay, I'm gonna hop off and get all nice and caught up on all the blogs I follow. :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Wanted to slice some part of me open at school.

Okay, so last class of the day and I'm sooo excited because it's Basic Drawing, a class I've grown to REALLY enjoy, and I'm hyped off sugar because we had a party in Geometry, the class I have before Basic Drawing. Settle into my seat, excitement crashing to an end and the desire to hurt myself sparking when I see J.R., who happens to sit right across the room, holding a note complimenting my though he didn't emotionally abuse me all summer. I've changed my hair since the pictures were added. It's black now with pink,purple, blue, and green streaks on the sides, purple and black bangs and a pink/blue streak in the back. Well, now I wanna dye the whole thing purple or green, because the green is actually quite pretty. BUT instead of killing my butterflies I wrote what was wrong on my wall.
Ok, as a reply to my comment (I think that's why I'm posting everyday now, because I have a comment, lol), It's ok that you misunderstood. I wasn't thinking about that when I typed up the post.

Ugh, today's been rough. Mom and Dad are fighting and I feel like cutting. It ALWAYS makes me feel like crap when they do. I guess I'll turn on the mp3 player and ignore the fact it's happening.

Today was nice.

Okk! FIRSTLY, as a reply to my comment! I think it does hurt her when I cut, she just doesn't want to seem hypocritcal because she does to. She blames herself for me cutting, though, which makes me feel crummy.
Today was nice even though I'll probably lose one of my friends, but she's not a real friend if she wants to be friends with J.R. after I've explained it's too mentally stressing for me. This was being all explained as we were getting for a Lia Sophia jewelry party. Well, J.P. was helping me get food and stuff ready and so we drove her home after it was done and since I was dead tired, I laid my head on her lap not even thinking about it (she doesn't like being close to people) until I got home at which point I said sorry (I seem to do that a lot) but it was apparently ok! Anyway, I hopped onto vampirefreaks where I'm part of a cult (group) for people dealing with any form of self harm and got good ideas to keep myself from cutting (I hope!). One of them was to draw butterflies on me (so I see them when I go to do it) and name them after people I care about. Hurt myself and they "die".
Since it's about.. midnight my time, I'm gonna finish this dumb homework, give myself a butterfly, and go to bed!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I've gotten lovely comments (thank you, by the way) since I decided to hop back on, but I haven't bothered to get caught up on anyone's blog. Maybe I'll do that this weekend? Ok, so I told J.P. that I had cut...really, I did expect her to be upset. Something else was upsetting her, but that's not what hurts. What hurts is she made it obvious that it was an after thought and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. We're supposed to be best friends, but she won't tell me. I'm trying not rush to cutting, but I'm tired of feeling and it keeps me from feeling (emotionally, anyway). It's hard to ignore when it's screaming. Can it be the 14th so that my therapist can call me a bad girl? Funny, I've been going to this chick for close to two months and I haven't been this bad. She's seen me grin like nothing has touched me, heard me laugh without fear, and act as though everything is perfect...because that's how it was. Most people go uphill when they go see someone about their problems.
Ok, guess I'll try to get some sleep now. Sigh, I don't wanna because when I don't get enough sleep I can pretend to be bouncy easier. Oh well. Nightie night.

I'm scared

Ok, first, that comment made me cheer up a lot, but I'm still scared talk to my mom about it. Scared she'll throw me out of her life, like I will be, suddenly, not her beautiful little girl.
On to why I'm postin. I'm not scared for me(never am). J.P. said she was learning to cope after saying something was wrong and then that it wasn't...then she quit replying. I've sent her texts, called once. I'm so scared, what if she did the s-word? Yeah, suicide. Wait, wait! Just got a textie! Maybe it's her!
...I'm an idiot. Unlike normal, I didn't think of all the possibilities, I panicked and thought the worse. She was just at the doctor. Thank goodness it wasn't anything too bad. Am I bad? For panicking about someone who was just treating me like crap? More worried about her when recently my right upper arm, right leg, and chest bled. Yeah, I was a bad girl who cut. My chest, up by my collar bone now reads FUCKED UP. Odd, isn't it? I don't mind cussing on my body, just out loud. It isn't deep, so maybe it won't scar too bad.
OK, gonna hop off and try to get out of this saddness.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Guess Mom doesn't get it yet...

I HAVE A DISORDER WITH COPING (or at least that's what they're saying)! I don't ask to stay home from school much but when I do it's because I need more time than provided to figure it out or I'm rajcvjkds depressed. But, even as the scars stare her in the face, Mom doesn't see them. What do I have to do for her to realize it? I told her the therapist I'm seeing says that I have a coping disorder, but I guess she figures I would never. Solution? Idon'thaveone. Starving and cutting? Maybe. Give into already present tendancies.
Anyone know how I should handle this?? I'm scared. What will Mommy do when/if she finds out? She's made mean comments to me about cutters, but does that mean she knows?

I'm back

I guess I'm back, for a while at least. I got an account on and life's been great for this little over a month. I broke up with my bf even though we were happy together. Being in a relationship just scared the crud out of me.
Tonight...Tonight, though, I feel like ripping open my skin. I should be dieting. The skinny chick who sits at the table behind me is. Both of my best friends basically told me that I barely matter, I'm a dflksdjlfk hypocrite, and am so dflkdjfkl selfish. Can you hear it? The call of the lovely razors? They're screaming and my flesh is itching to answer (that's not really a metaphor, my skin felt itchy as soon as I starting thing about it). I'm thinking about giving in.

I am a poet writing of my pain.
I am a person living a life of shame.
I am your daughter hiding her depression
I am your sister making a good impression.
I am your friend acting like I'm fine
I am a wisher wishing this life weren't mine.
I am a teenager pushing her tears aside.
I am a student who doesn't have a clue
I am the girl sitting next to you.
I am the one asking you to care
I am your best friend hoping you'll be there.
(borrowed from here)
Okay, gonna hop off and think about what to do for a little while longer.
Good to be back, by the way.