Finally have some time alone!

I've been sick (I think) the past couple of days. I've just been so tired that it's hard to get out of bed until about four in the afternoon, even after sleeping from one AM to noon or eleven. I'm just so tired all of the time. I don't think it's depression because once I'm up, I'm motivated enough to do things. Every night I get my homework done, and then I get zeros because I couldn't get my butt to class. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow

.
Kay- Chapter is like a weekly meeting with the entire group at the school. Social sororities have them in their nifty little chapter houses. All of the elected officials in the organization gives a report (if they have one). I don't really know how to describe it, but really it's just the official business of the group. Also, I don't know about social sororities, as I'm not in one, but during our chapter meetings we pass around "interest" forms for shirts, bags, ect.., or events. If enough of us show interest by putting our names on this paper, they send around one that says "final". Anyone with their name on the "final" is expected to pay for anything that needs purchased or be at the event.
I didn't consider that I might have readers that don't know about this kind of stuff, so I'm going to also try to explain what "pledge class" is, even though I don't know that I've said much about it.
My personal pledge class is only pledges until December 7, which is when we become "active" members (also just called actives). Basically, it's so that you know some people in the group, and so that you learn more about the actually organization. We meet every Sunday at 8, and have a quiz over materials that we've been given before hand. Last Sunday we met our "Bigs" which is basically our personal mentor.
I hope that I've explained everything well enough!
Love,
Alex
P.S. Sorry it's mostly replying to comment; I got a surprise dinner invite from friends.

No noon class, Yay!!

So far today I've had a banana (105) and some cheese (80). I've hung up some of our clean shirts, so that J.P. will quit complaining about them. I've showered. And I'm working on my first cup of coffee. I need to take out our trash. J.P. only asked that I got the one by our mini fridge because it has my kiwis in it that I was supposed to draw and then they went bad.

I don't know what to think of my scale. When I first stepped on it, it says I've lost point like four pounds. When I step on it again, it says I'm down to 201.8 (stupid how that's a "down to" and not "up to"). So frustrating.
Today I have chapter. Yay. Which means I have to be dressed up all day. However, I only have one class today, so the heels are coming off when I get back to my room. Yayy!

You know what really sucks? Is that I know I'm cute when I'm skinny. Because for a little while there, I was. I was adorable. I really wanna get back to there.
Love,
 Alex

I haven't forgotten that I'm still blogging!

I know I've not posted in a little while, but I promise that I didn't forget you!

I've been super busy. I went home yesterday for the first time since I've gotten back to school. I joined was technically an RSO, but it's called a service sorority. Unlike the social ones, we don't have large drinking parties. We go out and make the community a better place (not that I don't think social ones do too, but that's basically our main goal). So between that, hanging out with friends, homework, and sleep I've been really busy. I do think about posting every day, though. I just need to find time when J.P. isn't here.
So, I've made some mental goals, and they need written down. Ready? There's only a few.
1. Start drinking at least 8 cups of water every day again. Also, add one cup for every cup of coffee.
2. Get more organized, so that I quit forgetting to do some of my homework. I don't know how I'm going to do that, though. I have a planner, I look at it, and I'm still not getting all of it done.
3. Get more active. Whether it's getting up and walking around the room about every hour.
4. Eat less junk, more veggies. No one needs a dessert with every meal especially not when you're gaining weight doing it.  One dessert a day (for now).

Uhm.... I think that's all. I think those all are good goals. I saw a super teeny girl walking today, and it just reminded me that I used to be almost teeny. I used to be in the lower-middle end of a healthy weight. I used to have B cup boobs (I think they had just become B when I started gaining again). I used to hate the thought of being one of those people who let themselves get as big as I have.
I gained two more pounds. 205. It's going up, not down. It's causing me so much anxiety. I just need to stop eating so much junk or eating when I'm alone. I should save eating for in front of people, and never complain that I missed any meals. There are days where I get done with class at four thirty and all I want to do is eat because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and J.P. is like "We should eat when I get off at six." So I wait even longer, even though by then I feel sick.
Remember when I could survive on barely nothing every day? Now I feel like death when I don't eat lunch or breakfast. I feel like I could faint for not eating until six. I don't get the spots in front of my eyes anymore, but my hair falls out. Even though to society I'm healthy. I'm not healthy. I'm a whale, and it's sickening. I hate it. I hate being so big.
I wanna change yesterday.

I want to fit into a size five again. Or even a three. I want to be able to wear small women's shirts, not extra large men's. I want to feel like I'm even somewhat pretty some times. I want my disorder to take my body and make me tiny again, make me one of those girls you look at and whisper about how small, what size do you think she wears, ect. I want it so bad I thought about purging on the way to my Spanish class. In a public bathroom. I've never purged in my life, considered it one of my few virtues, but at that moment it was so hard to talk myself into walking into that classroom and not that bathroom. I think the only thing that stopped me was the other girls I could hear in the bathroom.
I want to be skinny so bad it hurts.
Kay-Thanks for the encouragement! I'm nervous because one of the girls that I'm going to be living with is already having problems with her roommates. It doesn't seem like it's her fault, but that could just be because we're friends and not living together yet. The other person (besides my girlfriend) is a dude that we only met this semester, and it's barely a month into the semester, so that makes me kind of iffy. The four of us get a long great, but so did my friend and her current roommates before they became roommates. Then again, they owed her money, and when she tried to talk to them about it, they said "Fire drill" and literally ran away from her.
Love,
Alex.

Apartment Looking

First off, I don't know if I can trust my scale. It gave me three numbers, each one lower than the first. I quit when it said 198.4ish and 197.8. That's kinda a big difference from the 203 it gave me to start with. I don't think I'm eating as much, but I don't think that it's enough. I don't think it's ever enough. I just want to stop.

My girlfriend and I are looking at moving to an apartment with our friends E and S next year already. Leases are signed in the November area. I don't know if I really want three people who are around to watch my weight raise and drop or my mood raise and fall and break. But at the same time, I'm excited. Because we'll get our own bathroom. It's excited. And we get along great.
I dropped one of my classes. I was just getting so far behind and overwhelmed and freaked out. I hated it. I feel better now. Well, still a little anxious all the time but better. I'm coping better with it.
Just a small update.
Love,
Alex

I'm Thinking of Dropping a Class

It won't put me behind, creditwise. I'll still be a sophomore this spring. It just won't put me ahead like I would like. However, I missed it twice this week and feel like I'm never really going to catch up. Also, I forgot my camera at home and I need it this weekend for this class.

I'm gonna talk to J.P. about it. She's really good at these kind of things. I mean, eventually I will have to take this class, but right now I am a wreck. I have two classes that I have to get at least a C in this semester. And my medication needs to be worked with a little better, but I don't know who to talk to about that. 

I feel like I'm just not capable of doing anything right at this point. I feel constantly tired and constantly like I'm going to start bawling.

Bella- See, everyone here's advice is "Just keep going to class and try to find time to get to help services." With my currently schedule, they're seriously closed by time I could get to them or I'm asleep. I know I could just wake up earlier for the appointment, but currently it's so hard to get out of bed even for class.

I want to get my first tattoo, but I don't got enough money. I want a series of them done on my back of just things that I love somehow interacting with each other. 

Noon Class Cancelled

J.P. has a really bad cold. My noon class was cancelled, so I only have class at one and two (to 4:30). Put my lunch into my MyFitnessPal. Disappointed, but not shocked. My lunch, by itself, is over 900 calories. Luckily, it's actually like my first meal of today.
It's the first thing I've eaten today.
Gotta actually get to all of my classes today. I can't get into this habit of missing them.

Sometimes, I just kind of break. I forget that I have stuff that I actually have to do. Then I freak out about it.
Or I'm freaking out about something else and don't go to class, but really kind of needed to.
Alright, gottat get ready for class.
Love,
Alex

Anxietyyy

I couldn't bare going to my last class today. I need to quit skipping my classes, but I felt like I was gonna puke. I've been around too many people for too long. I just need some time apart and for myself. I need to settle a little better.
I need to eat, but I'm waiting for my lovely girlfriend. I'm just a ball of anxiety, but I don't want to be. I don't even know what happened. I'm just anxious and tired. I don't know what to do with myself. My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest and like I'm going to puke. And I feel like I'm going to start bawling. I just feel like a wreck.
And I feel terrible for skipping class because I feel slightly relieved that I chose not to go.
I also wish that I had like you know an "ana buddy" or whatever. Just someone who gets it. Someone who knows about the anxiety of life. Someone who gets the anxiety of deciding whether or not to be safe and healthy or to be unhealthy and thin. Someone who gets the anxiety of change. Someone my age, though. I don't know.
I just want someone to talk to that isn't going to tell me the obvious (that I should go the healthy route) or is a therapist.
I'm gonna go browse forums, lovelies.
Love,
Alex
P.S. I love tattoos and piercings. I just wish I was thinner so they looked better.

College

I have not forgotten you, lovelies! I promise.
So, I don't think that my meds are working like they should. Or I'm working around them.
I skip lunch so often. And usually breakfast. I know, you're not supposed to skip breakfast. I went over 200 pounds a couple three four days ago. Superrr pissed with myself. Back down to 199 somehow. I've been trying to raise my self-esteem by saying, out loud, that I'm so cute, the cutest, ect. However, I just had my first speech of the semester recorded and I know. I know I look like hell. I've been trying to do nice things for myself too. I've painted my nails.
Nothing's working, though. So, I keep thinking of things I can cut from my diet. Which could end in...everything.
I have a friend; she much smaller than me, much taller, but still fat. She eats salads. Smothered in cheese and ranch. And I totally sit there and silently judge her. Some times I put a teeny bit on cheese on my salad. And I never smother it with dressing. I drizzle it. Hers end up looking like a mound of ranch and cheese. It bothers me. She bothers me.

I'm sorry that I just ranted about someone else's salad. It's just most people eat salad to, oh I don't know, lose weight. The way she eats them you might as well have three ice cream sandwiches. Oh, and she has dessert with every meal. I do too, but I really need to break myself of it.
I gotta go or I'll be late to class. Talk to you guys soon.
Love,
Alex