Monday, March 5, 2012

I don't trust myself with an Exact-O-Knife, even though I want one.

My art teacher keeps saying that we can't take her knives home, but we're free to get our own. They're very sharp. I wouldn't use them just for art projects.
I'm back in that mood.
Stay up all night.
Eat little.
Even when I sleep I'm tired.
I'm this close to cutting.
I can feel it. The pain rushing through me, biting into me, coming out of me.
If I don't have water, I have coffee or juice. The only the time I have anything else it's milk at lunch.
Yeah, I eat.
Feel sick after I do.
Wish every bite I take that I didn't but I still do it.
I'm always tired, but still I want to dance.
Carve my body into something new.
Burn off the fat.
Show who I am below.
Still, it feels like hell.
P.S. J.P. and I went to see The Lorax in theater tonight. It was nice to have an actual date. But now I'm pretty sure I'm torturing myself for having all that butter and popcorn (my soda was diet, though! :D). Anyway, I've done some exercising and feel better, but tomorrow is gonna be hard considering I still have some coloring I have to do for my sketch for art class. I should've started on it instead of opening up Pandora and exercising for the past half hour. I've gotten so fat I can't dance my way through ONE song.

Sam: I hate this healthy diet. I either eat JUNK FOOD all the time or I'm...not eating (which I'm cool with). Either way, I'm grumpy and self-blaming. Only if I'm not eating it's easy to perk me up. Make me coffee and make me run. Haha, you should let me read your fanfic! :) I'm always looking to read anything and everything. When I restrict or don't eat, I'm wired. Probably because I have this insane amount of coffee to keep the thoughts away, which is funny because to keep those thoughts away is generally why I don't eat.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

If I knew you would eat crap foods the first chance you got, I wouldn't have asked you to.

J.P, and I were supposed to start a "healthy food" diet, With ONE junk food a day. Everything she's had today is unhealthy. Well, there's been some healthy.
But it's kept me from eating as much. Three HUGE cups of coffee, a honeydew, strawberry, Greek yogurt, and milk smoothie, and 100 calories of yogurt.
I dunno why. I just wish she would've...not made me expect her to actually follow the rules I had set up.
That she helped me make. I just don't know.
Really, I want to exercise.
And sleep.
Goodness, sleep sounds wonderful. Well, you can't just sleep after not eating a lot.
You have to exercise.
To make yourself even thinner.
I want to be thin.