Modeling

I told J.P. that I wanna be a model. There's so many problems with that. Model's are talll, I'm average. Model's are skinny, I'm, well, not. But I wanna do it. It will spit in the faces of the people who were meanie heads to me. And it would make people see my weirdness with food, find out I'm a model and go "Ooohhh!" and just ignore it in the end.
So, Miss J.P. told me to talk to my mommy about it. All of this works well with the time because I have a membership with the local gym and I've quit binging. So, we're going dress shopping and if Dad doesn't go with us I'll talk to her about it. Anything you gals and gents wanna tell me about this crap?

Talked with my sis today.

Over skype. It was cool. I could hear her and see it. But it hurt. Made me wish she had been here when the whole J.R. crap was going on. So I could have had someone to actually talk to. But she wasn't here, doesn't know, and so...I don't talk about it. Don't tell her that if I get near that...thing that everyone else swears is a person, all of my muscles tighten, my breathing shallows, and my heart races...as though I am terrified. Don't mention that I /hate/ how he gets to life happily ever after...and I still have all of these problems. And I most definately don't cry when talking to her. Crying about this is pointless. I need to move on... but I can't. Fear has me frozen. Has me eating, starving, throwing in J.P.'s face that yes, part of this is her fault, and then taking it part, saying none of it is, it's all his. Because what should you fear more than the person who made you believe the world would be better off if you were dead? For me, it's being alone while I'm fearing that.

Ok, soooo...

Yesterday, I ate alll day. It felt like I was starving and had to eat. It was aweful. Even more so because I told J.P. that I was gonna weigh the same as her. 109ish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I shouldn't say stuff like that to people, but it's so compelling to tell her how much I want to weigh. Obviously she told me that it would be way underweight for someone my height. BUT I still wanna try...
Gotta go. School time.

Cat's outta the bag

Mom and Dad know. Know what? That I cut. Sooo, I be keepin lack on eatin on the DL.
Gonna go noww. Bye.

Ate today

And yesterday. I can explain! I said until I could hold J.P. again. I thought it would be yesterday. So I ate. Then she didnt come over. Sooo, then I went from 7 last night until 2:50something today with none to eat. Then I ate little. :)
OK, gonna go hang with J.P.

Screwed up yesterday...

And I could go on and on and on about how AWFUL it was. Over 1000 calories in, like, 4 hour. ORR I can suck it up, start over today, and be a big girl about it. I think I'm gonna just suck it up and try again. It's a new day, my body's restarted it's count on calories, and I'm gonna not eat a solid. All day.
OH! If my mommy agrees to it, J.P. will get to spend tonight even though it's a school night. This is sooooo cool, to me at least.
Another cool thing? I've got nine followers... I think. Either way, it's pretty cool. Like, so cool I could go on and on and on about how cool it is, but I won't.
I haven't been sleeping well. To be honest, I don't know what it's from, but I'm thinking it's from the small anxiety I've always had. See, a few days ago, I noticed it this. I was wiped out. School had gone by quickly, but had taken all the energy I had with it. Yet, when I laid down to sleep, my heart started racing every single time my nonverbal brother made noise. I would explain it better so you guys have a better grasp on how it is, but right now, I have no idea how to explain it. Anyway, that woke me up at eight, nine, and then again at nearly 11. I just got up at eleven. Who cares if I'm still freaking tired? Not like I'll ever not be.
See, now I'm ranting. I shouldn't really do that because then I'll put myself in a bad mood. Alright! Imma gonna go. Toodles! Have a good day, everyone!

Probably should be more productive.

But right now, I'm moving at 84293084293084 miles per hour and it's from this freaking Hawaiian punch crap that we just bought and ho my gosh!! Trust me, for 10 calories feeling this good is worth it. Okay, onto something that seems more important.
My dad, I mention him a lot, said I was getting too skinny and needed to eat. He hasn't been home all day and doesn't know that I just haven't eaten all day. It may be these leggings. They make my legs look smaller than they really are. What bothers me is that not that long ago he was telling me to skip meals and/or puke them up. Maybe that's why I'm thinking like I am today..or maybe I just messed myself up. He's been telling me stuff like that since he moved in when I was eight and for a while, I totally ignored it. When I was about twelve, I started noticing these cycles of caring too much about my weight and caring none at all. Back then, the none caring part was larger than the caring. So, basically, that's my start in this hell and I'm telling you even if you didn't care.
I mean, sure, I was happy that he said my legs were skinny, but it crushed me when he said I wasn't anywhere near 145 lbs...I'm 137ish, which to me, if not you, is close to 145. But...yeah...that's my sob story.
Ok! I saw an episode of I Used To Be Fat. That chick was HUGE! She was 273 or something like that and in 99 days she only lost 49 pounds. Which I guess might be healthy to someone who isn't as morbid as me. It was a spiff show though.
I've had 70 calories, most of it being powerade, but I figure that'll keep my body from thinking it's dehydrated. Because it replenishes electrolytes and stuff like that.
In a little bit, my brother's band is going to play in -town blocked-. I'm wondering on whether or not I should go. I feel pretty good about myself today, so I could tolerate being seen in public, but do I REALLY wanna go? Do I really wanna be in a room full of people I don't really know listening to music I only kinda like? Maybe.
And zette thanks for having so much faith in me. It's more than I could ever ask for. Which sounds very drastic, but knowing one person thinks I can do this makes it seem THAT much easier.
Okay, I'm off to do something other than bore you with random nonsense about my life. :)

Since I am a bad romantic

and miss J.P. too much for this all to even be real, no food until I see her again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yesterday I said that I was supposed to eat in front of my dad so he wouldn't get suspicious, but screw it. So, even if it gets really hard to do, I'm seriously just gonna bite my lip and come up with some fancy lie as to why I cannot eat that. Oh, and I read somewhere that diet soda (and just soda in general) helps retain fat, so if I need a caffeine buzz, soda will now be m last choice with nondiet being my last last choice. Which is okay because I do kinda like the taste of coffee.
And I won't spazz out today like I did yesterday. Truth be told, I think I was trying to exercise too much and I couldn't, mentally, take it.
Well, wish me luck! =) Because I'm gonna frickin need it.

Just liquids tomorrow

I'm not gonna sugar-coat why I'm not eating tomorrow. I'm not into drugs and I want a high. I know that not taking in calories makes me giggley and happy around 1 and I want that. Also, I ate wayyyy too much today....and it's been forever since I really, honestly didn't slap food in my mouth and gulp, gulp, gulp it down like I needed any more fat.
I'll tell ya how it goes laterr.
Oh and I have about 2 hours of exercise planned. Ouch.

Edit 11:07AM:
So far, I'm sooo lonely, feel sick, and paced my room for only 40 minutes (I had planned for a full hour).
I'm lonely because I skipped school with parental consent. Yeah, my mom can be cool sometimes. My older brother, who we'll call A, gives me a ride to school unless he's sick. He's home sick today, and every time Mom takes me to school, she's late for work. For some reason, I felt really guilty about that this morning and asked if I could stay home. Then I went back to bed and slept until nineish.
All that's made it's way down my throat, so far, is green tea. That said, I feel like it could come up at any second. BUT Imma big girl, I'll keep it down, pinky promise. This is hard, but the school's dance is coming up and I've got other goals to meet and well, I'll tough it out.
Oh yes. The Valentine's Day dance (OR Winter Formal) is coming up really soon. I think it's the 12th of February. Yup, J.P. was conned (begged) into going. With me. So I wanna look fantastical standing next to her because lucky chickie looks skinny even though she's more average (in weight) nowadays. I wanna either be in the 120's or the low 130's by the dance. Both are very realistic goals if I be a good girl and do only liquids more than I do now.
Alright, I'm gonna go write in my journal a little and then do some stuff on the wii and then just, you know, keep myself busy.

12:59 PM:
I wanna just go back to bed. Most of the exercise I've planned is done and I've burned 308 calories and my weight is down to 136.6 lbs (about 61.96 kg) and just listen to me, making up excuses to not do it. But those excuses have won me over. I'm crawlin' back into bed.

2:14PM
Final addition to this post, I swear. So, I'm gonna be a wuss and eat some food. For some reason, I had expected my dad to sleep all day and when he woke up it hit that I HAVE to eat in front of him because being found out isn't on my things to do list. I'll keep it lowww and plan to do this another time. Because like I said, that dance is right around the corner and I wanna have a smaller dress than I had for homecoming and so I really need to get this lazy butt in gear.

Snow Day

Hey! We got out of school for snow. It isn't really that much of it, but still. I've been up for about three hours now, just laying around in bed. Should have been doing something productive, but so far I've only had 6 animal crackers and 2 iced ones (a total of....95 calories!). I'm drinking some stuff that's supposed to make me feel fuller (30 calories) and talking to J.P. who sadly can't come over today. Also, I'm pretty bummed out. I didn't get to used my wiifit yesterday because my little brother was using the TV that the wii is connected to until, like, 11:30 PM and since I thought we had school, I just went to bed. It was kinda upsetting.
Alright, I'm gonna go find something to read because I have this thing about not working out while consuming calories. Yay.

Later:
It's about 6:00 PM, but I just wanted to add something. No, not my insanely high calorie count (which will be over 800 because I just pigged out today) but something I shared with J.P.. I called her amazing because to me, that's what she is. She jumps in and out of the hoops life gives her and lands on her feet, ready for more. But when she called me amazing, I didn't deny it just said that I have to try really hard to be amazing. Or even something close. She denied this. This is the important part, the actual part I wanted to share. My reply.
"Because you cant be as broken as i am and be amazing."
I realize I'm broken. Otherwise, I wouldn't have these scars from that razor blade.
What amazes me about myself is that I bother to get out of bed each day.
Sorry for being all depressing. :(
Here's a pretty person to cheer you (or me) up.
Another edit (10:27PM):
So, I had 1180 calories today. Burned about 150 using wiifit, but apparently, for my mind, that's not enough. For the past 27 minutes, I've been pacing/walking in place.
Good news? I'm 138.7ish. I'm that much closer to 115/114 (J.P. wants to stop at 115, but what she dunno won't kill her).
I've burned 123 just from doing this. Wooo! Haha. Now, I'm gonna ssee if I can stop and go to bed.

WOOOO!

120. Say it, 120. My intake so far. After days of gulping down calorie infested foods because J.P. was watching, it feels like heaven. Perfect. It hurts, I don't want to pretend it doesn't but it's better than feeling like puking because the cal count is so high.
Today, I spoke to my councilor and told about how I don't want to eat and then I bent the truth a little by saying that I did when it was expected. J.P. didn't go home when I said she was gonna. Which I'm ok with. She spent last night and I swear I loved waking up to her.
Soo exercise for today=
weight lifting (PE)(158 calories) & walking (41 calories) & some wiifit when I get home. Now, though, I am gonna go and get all nice and caught up on everyone's blogs.
Take care, everyone!
P.S. This may be TMI, but screw you, it made me happy. My bra size went down. :)


EDIT (8:38 PM):
Sooo.... Bleh, my calories are up to 550. I tried not to eat much. Honestly. Even got the thing at McDonald's that I knew was totally low in calories. It's all the junk people WANT me to eat and I'm trying to seem normal. So people don't question, you know? Well, it is shower time. I was pleased to find out that my 20 minute shower burns 42 calories...and cleaning my room for 10 whole minutes would A)give food I throw away a cover and B)burn 26 calories. See, I'm looking for ways I can burn calories because I had 550 (UGH!!!) of them.
J.P. came by to get her phone charger after church. Ahhhh... Maybe those few kisses will tide me over until we're alone again? I've got it bad, but she's so pretty. She's one of the reason I wanna look good. One of the reasons I wanna lose weight. She made me find out that I need to hold my tongue more. Some things weren't meant to be said and if I don't wanna make her cry, they shouldn't be said.
But I asked if she started feeling this way before or after she dated J.R. and I think she told me while... I don't really remember. But then she asked me when I started liking her, before or after I started dating my ex (when we were dating). The answer was undeniable before.
Oh, Oh, oh, I have saved onto my computer (which I will share) some pictures that inspire me to lose. So here you go! <3
Ta-da~ my secret stash.

When you're me and you have to eat more...

You don't get mad at the people who make you. You want revenge on those who wronged you, those who made it so you sit at the table and wonder how much of the French toast you should eat...Those who made 585 seem huge as a calorie intake. But J.P. isn't down for helping. She's cool when it comes to talking about it, but actual things we could do, she acts like they're out of the question. I don't care about being "the bigger person"I want revenger. I want to hurt them so they can't sleep at night.
Also, I WILL be 115 by time school starts or I will be disappointed in myself.
Thank you and goodnight.

I'm too freaking tired

8 human beings who feel my life is worth keeping up with and yet...I'm not happy. J.P. and I were supposed to spend the long weekened together. She's leaving because I kept going to sleep everytime she got onto the computer and we got into an arguement about it...Where I basically heard "Everytime we fight, it's your fault." She's talked to her grandparents and is going home soon. Me? I feel like a plaything that she thinks she can ignore when she's bored with it. I even ate more than usually for her. Now I just feel like puking. Puking is not my thing, but I feel like doing it.
Cut my hand twice because it's better than crying. I'm so tired of feeling so worthless.
Alright, gonna go back to reading because J.P. doesn't seem to want much to do with me even though she said sorry. Shrug.

That was weird

I think I was half way in a dream even though I was laying there, listening to my mom talk. It was just...strange. It felt like I had an IV in. If I had looked at any part of my body, I so would've expected to see it underweight. I felt like one touch and I would break...and then my mom asked if she could have a hug. The act of pulling myself up to hug her didn't get rid of the crazy half dream feeling, but actually doing it did.
It was odd. Maybe I should eat a little more today...Don't want to, but it seems...needed.

Just Freaked Out At My Little Bro.

He knows he is 100% not freaking allowed in my room. This hunger is making me a jerk, too. So, I freaking flipped when he kept stepping a foot in and then out and then in and out and in and out and just doing that over and over while Mom handed me rice with soup. Yes, I should eat some just so I calm down a little, but frick eating is gross. How to get rid of the rice... I can toss spoonfuls out of my window. Anyway, I just wanted to vent about it. He knows that he isn't allowed in my room ever. No one but me, my friends, and my parents are ever allowed in my room. It's my room! And he's been freaking out my dog when I'm around and just annoying me and Mom doesn't do crap so I scream at him and then she yells at him because he "wasn't doing anything" and she's full of it.
I'm gonna go get rid of this fattening food. And then take a shower...or exercise and then take a shower.

EDIT, AROUND 9:00PM:
Soo, my cal count is up by 100ish. I would curse it under my breath, but it kept me from binging. Yay. See, I ate small pieces of a cookie. It upset my tummy because tummy is already not used to sweets. Which made me smile in a self-sadistic kind of way. At least it wasn't wasted earlier on frickin cheeseburgers. I only burned off 164 calories on the wiifit and probably even less in PE. Well, let's see, twenty and then whatever a 30 minute walk at a normal (about 3.5 miles per hour)...hum... ok, found something online to tell me. 156 calories burned in PE. Wow, 320 burned today. Not all of what I ate though. But I didn't binge. Did not binge. Have to think upside. WILL think upside. Happy=good. Remember that, everyone.
With that, I really must begin my homework.

287.5...

That's not much, not even to you guys. So why the frick can't I bring myself to shovel another fourth of that nasty thing into my throat? Am I that worried about the fattiness of a cheeseburger? More than likely. And the 287.5 is calories, not a sharp raise in my weight. To be honest, I would almost die if that was my weight. No, I'm at 141 point something weird. Up, down, down, down, up a little. That's how it seems to roll.
Ugh, J.R. really needs to freaking get a mechanical pencial. I mean, in class I act like I don't notice him walking behind me to sharpen his pencial and I pretend that I didn't see him watching us talk and laugh. But it bothers me like mad.
Then there's L.S. who acts like if she hangs around long enough, I'll get over her being a hobag and be all nice again. Two words: screw that. She hurt me hardcore and I'm not gonna ever even consider being friends with her again. Yes, I'm self-centered and so I don't give a crap if she gets hurt by this. She shouldn't have done it. Sorry, she stood around me this morning, and it just grated on my nerves.
I just wanna get home and run these calories off now that school's over and I don't have to act as much. Oh my goodness, the police were at my school. Because of a fight that happened, like, Monday. Some kid got his nose broken and knocked out in the fight, really bloody apparently. Well, the aunt or something of the one who got knocked out is pressing charges. Honestly, they probably wouldn't have been able to do anything except for the fact that there was a video that someone gave the police with loads of the faces showing. I wasn't there so it didn't really have anything to do with me.
Ok, almost home. Bye. :)

Fail.

I am upset. Why? Because I had to eat. My dad was doing the whole "You're anorexic." "You're not eating." thing. So, I ate about 200 freaking calories of cereal with milk. That's probably a way overestimation, but I don't wanna feel good about consuming food today. 230, counting the engery drink I was using to supress my hunger.
J.P. and I were talking about it. The weight loss is something I can't see, but she swears it's there and it's huge. Then she told me I have a problem. Screw that, I choose when I don't eat. Actually, I don't notice it unless I have people to compare to. Then I'm more likely to eat normally.
Man, this feels like being 12 again. The first time I accidentally starved and then made weight my world...it stopped, I thought, being like that. Then again, I lost 17 pounds without noticing. But that was in 2 years. Well, now you know a larger part of my story.
Today was actually quite fun. Until Dad made it an issue, until I had that bowl of cereal, until I sat by donuts and wanted to eat one (J.P. ate the only one I wanted, though. phew). J.P. came over around 10:30 and we laid around in my room, talking, playing on the computer, kissing, just relaxing. It was easy to not eat even though she was eating and looking cute doing it. I didn't know that was possible. She kept saying that she felt fat because she was eating so much. Over half a can of Pringles, a doughnut, a bowl of cereal. It wasn't really that much. I kept telling her she wasn't because she isn't.
Now, my head hurts, my stomach aches, I'm tired, and I have fatty calories to work off before going to sleep. I'm thinking 30 minutes of aerobics, 15 of working my abs, and 15 of working my arms and hips. Full body work out, haha.
OK, gonna see if I forgot to log out on Dad's computer. Byess.

So far

I've only had 25 calories and thatd was the V-8 green tea stuff. Miss J.P. is coming over for help on her geometry homework. My leg looks a little skinnier, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Oh, oh, oh, we had a snowday today, so it's gonna be smooth sailing for my liquiding todayy!~ I'm soo excited, like you wouldn't believe. This is sooo needed and soo gonna happen. No matter what anyone says, I am going to do this. It's my body and, if I feel like torturing myself by denying it food, I will. Because to get to one fifteen, I am willing to do anything...almost. I'm gonna admit, there are some things I won't do. BUT these two days of nothing but liquids with a 100 calorie restriction is gonna happen. Because I hate the rolls of flab my body has. My tummic, thighs, heck even my fingers, are huge on the flab.


LATER:

UGhhh, I said I wouldn't eat anything and then ate all day!! Fat, fat, fat. But, I'm doing it tomorrow. And I'm gonna exercise tonight. Like my life depends on it. J.P. wanted to join me when I mentioned it, but she's already struggled with an eating disorder, so I wouldn't allow it. It seemed wrong. Alright, so I SWEAR I'll do it tomorrow.
Okay, off to read some blogs and then exercise and then bed.
Goodnight.

Getting Ready for bed

Tomorrow starts a 2 day liquids only fast. I told J.P. about it and then said it was so she didn't think I had gotten an eating disorder on her. Because we're finally close to ok. SOO, I'm gonna try to keep that less than 200 calories for those two days.
Ok, about J.P.. She was freaking out because I was soo calm about her being bisexual. So, anyway we're..kinda together (after she was jealous of my stalker, lol) and it's actually pretty amazing. This is my first night without her since Friday, though... lonelyyy. I wanna be able to cuddle up with her like last nightt~. Our families can't know and so we decided that no one can really know, but I want you guys to know why I wanna lose loads of weight NOW.
My ex talked to me over facebook. He's been asking my friends since I broke up with him what he did, so he finally asked me tonight. Idiot may try to get back with me, but I'm content with someone else (which is better than I was with him). So, either way, J.P. is slightly jealous, haha.
Ok, bedtime.
Goodnight, lovelies.

Today was quite uneventful.

I slept from 5ish to 6ish and from a ffew minutes after that (I was texting J.P.), to now, nearly 11 PM.
You know what's painful? Walking by someone you used to stop and hug. Walking by someone you used to love as a sister and nearly crying because they like him more than they like you. That happened today at school, but I kept my head high, didn't glance over at her when we were side-by-side for a fraction of a second. See, and this may have been very selfish of me, but I told L.S. that she had to choose between me and J.R. because that mental stress is too much (I trusted her, but the last time I trusted someone who was hanging out with him, it ended poorly and I'm here, feeling worthless nearly 80% of the time.). Apparently she thought she could hang out with him AFTER telling me she was fine not doing so, just so long as I didn't find out. J.P., I think, is selfish when it comes to me. It's not a good thing except in this case. She told me about all of L.S. cut off sentences involving her and J.R. and said she had seen them walking and talking together. So, I asked about it, L.S. was a brat and said some hurtful things, but after she asked who told me I knew we weren't gonna be friends.
Also, J.P. thinks she's bisexual. It freaks her out because she comes from a family full of Babtists. Personally, I think it's either experimentation or she is. Either way, I'm cool with it. Which she'll probably need, a friend who is will to understand and accept her. I feel really bad, though, because we were texting and I haven't slept well all week, and so I fell asleep while talking to her about this.
I'm sooo hungry, like you probably would believe. Today, I had mac and cheese (probably wayy too much) and half an apple for lunch and then a small snack when I got home and then sleeepppp. Which I'm gonna go do again

Hate Hate hate hate hate second semester.

So, you know how I was soooooo happy about being away from that freaking thing? He's in my Basic Painting class and J.P.'s Health class. Oh and to make life full of sunshine and rainbows and all things great, I confronted my friend that I told she had to pick between me or J.R. about her hanging out with him...She has been, that backstabber. She asked why it's such a big deal. First, I said I figured that when she said she wouldn't do it and understood that she UNDERSTOOD AND WOULDN'T DO IT. Then I said that I wasn't used to being told by my "friends" that I'm completely wrong, dangerous, pyschotic, obsessive, and should die/better off dead. When she dragged J.P. into this, I threw it into her face because my temper is short and explosive lately. I told her that when I told J.P. about what he said, she hated him about it. I know that J.P. isn't a perfect person, so I don't care what she's really like when I'm not around. I've seen most sides of her anyway. I've seen her mad, so mad she said things that hurt me to the point I questioned self-worth. She comes back and says sorry.
I've had many encounters where I've gotten to speak about my God. Tonight it was with one of my friends who I was really close to in grade school and then not so much in middle school and have been getting closer to this year. I guess I put it in a way she understood. She's a Wiccan like J.R., but she told me it was because it facinates her. She seemed to get it, but not really care for it and I was even thinking I'd be able to convert her to my religion (there was a hope, though).
Dang it, dang it, freak, I just wanna slice open some part of me. The chick who said she wouldn't hang out with J.R. and then did is being a whore. A complete one. I should quit talking to her, this is mental abuse again. I should quit talking to her, should just go on with my life. She's a whore, he's a jerk, the other chick is at least nice to me.
I didn't touch the WiiFit today, but didn't eat all day today. Though I probably had a higher intake of calories than I did yesterday. Mom turned 50 today, so we went to Denny's. I got French Toast. Yup. I'm a broken mess and I'm so sorry.

I never, ever mean to be judgemental.

Yet it happens. Like being scared when I realized that J.R. was reading about magic. J.R.'s into Wicca, in case I haven't said that. To be honest, if it was anyone else I don't think I would've taken it as such as a personal threat, but because of who and where it was I overreacted (probably). This was as I was finishing my Basic Drawing final. That cute little room in a corner of the basement of the main building, well, it's one of the few places I feel completely content nearly all of the time when I'm there. The teacher isn't insanely nice, the room isn't actually cute, and it's kinda cold down there, but I still love being there. And this person...well, he's done somethings to me when I still considered us friends (Remember this: you don't tell your friends to kill themselves and that the world is better off without them). Maybe I'm just holding a grudge, but to be totally honest, I haven't gotten an "I'm sorry for being a complete and total jerk" in any way, shape, or form so it's very hard for me to forgive him. Trust me, I'm trying.
In other news, I was..applauded by my youth group when I spoke in front of them. To be honest, I'm an aweful public speaker, but I stood instead of sat and used a tone that was serious and yet...it sounded not there. Like, it was somewhere else, remembering something else. It may have helped that the people before me were giggle girls or mumbling guys. I spoke out and just simply sounded mystified.
Okay, so I haven't touched my WiiFit tonight. I'm scared. I ate ALL fraggin day. Except for in the morning, but still. All freaking day. Which means I should have probably touched it a lot today because I ate so friggin much, but I didn't even touch it. I had lunch, a Butterfingers after school, mints, mints, mints, mints, mints, mints, just a crap load of stuff. I even allowed myself to drink nondiet soda. I mean, frickin seriously. At the time I was thinking, "This is one time I'm being 'normal'. Let me be normal." Even though I shouldn't have touched it, shouldn't have even thought about eating the candy bar, shouln't have had the soda, shouldn't have eaten so many mints (they're thirty calories a mint!!). Lunch actually wasn't that bad. It was about 270. Then the candy bar (BY ITSELF!) was 270ish. Dang it, I just can't believe how much crap I stuffed down my throat. I'm sure there's more, though I don't think I ate dinner. Went vegetarian without telling my mom and she used meat in the chili she made. Maybe I should've told her, haha. But then I ate about 9032094832094823097 mints (about 9, actually). Good thing I'm gonna have a PE starting tomorrow. Then I'll get exercise at school and home and if J.P. actually tries to help me lose weight, we may go for walks more and then I'll get exercise that way.
Oh, yes, I forgot to inform you of my choice to become a vegetarian. After health class year, I realized there actually is no need to eat meat. If you argue that it's tasty, I'll give you that. But generally meat is higher in calories and fat. A normal person would have no problem with this (a few more calories? Who cares?), but I do care. So, since there are ways to get the protien needed without nomming on some cute animal, I've decided to give my mom a challenge. To see if she was willing to try odd ideas, I had her make rice...in pineapple juice. It was quite good, actually, though she didn't cook it quite long enough. Since this, I've been wondering how odd of a dish I can cause her to create. Now, you must realize, my mom is a horrid cook. Most of our meals come from boxes with instructions or she already knows how to make them. Well, if anyone has any suggestions, please do not hesitate to say so either way (it may not be made properly, just sayin). Of course, I'm going to look other places for things I think sound good, but getting other people's opinions is so much more fun.
Well, I have a whole new schedule to deal with tomorrow, so I may want to start getting ready for bed. I'm sorry if I bored everyone's brains out today. It comes partly with being 14.
Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. :)

115

J.P. says she's willing to keep me on track to 115. That's a BMI of 18.6. 114 would be 18.4 and she is not willing to allow me to go underweight. Though I'm sure that once I'm to 115 dropping to 114 and not telling her will be easyy. Don't ask, I'm more than slightly obsessed with that number. It's because I'm scared of being overweight. It dominates parts of me. When I pick up what types of food. I'll never be able to tell you why, though I say it's so I'll have some control. To be honest, I don't care if I'm fantasticly skinny, I could deal with being average, but there's almost a complete desire to lose weight and get to 114 or 115 or whatever.
I told my L.S. how worthy of food she is. Hypocrisy? Perhaps, but that's just how I am normally. Telling others how great and full of worth they are while silently suffering from hunger, newer cuts, silent screams. She's chubby, I'll admit that, but she's a very pretty red head even if she is chubby. She looks like she's fifteen with a past she doesn't wanna admit. Yet she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Right next to J.P. who also seems amazing even though she can be completely cruel.
Lovely, I am going to bed.

Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble.
Sidney J. Harris

I'm pretty much hiding in a bathroom at school.

Where I get to be for the next 18 minutes of my life because my brother wants to go hang out with his friends. I could quit my whining and go upstairs to the study hall room and chill with MY friends, but as far as I'm concerned J.R. is there and I really don't wanna see that thing. SO there is nothing, NOTHING to do. If my dad hadn't decided he was a jerk, he would've actually been a dad and drove me home by now. But no, before break he decided that I wasn't worth a the short drive to the high school.
Ok for the REAL reason some of you are reading, I broke my fast to keep the illusion that I am ok. Probably about 245. Easy peasy to work off. It would be fantastic if I could go all day that I'm at home without eating so that it'll be about 245. That'd be lovely.

School starts again tomorrow...

And I should be in bed because of finals and stuff, but I feel...scared and inadaquate. The next 2 days are the last days I have to see J.R.'s ugly face so I should be happy, but for once that's not the problem. It's the feeling of being let into society after isolation even though I was never isolated.
Anyways, I made my bed, am doing my nails, am blogging, and should be sleeping. Oh and I should check my e-mail. Ok, while she was spending -what? a week?- I told J.P. that while she was enjoying her lovely relationship, I used my weight and cutting as a means for control. Before then, I had always, always, always said my cutting was to express emotions people wouldn't allow me to talk about. She blames herself for what that whorebag did...because she trusted him twice more than me, because she had told him the things he used to get me here. Man, it seems like years ago. October, that is. Yet the pain comes back, hot and fresh. I suppose I should blame her, but we've been friends so long that I just...can't. I can't tear her apart like he did to me, can't yell at her that her skinny butt makes me feel fat and useless, can't tell her how little I want to weigh, can't ask her how to do it, can't tell her how aweful I frickin felt while she was dating him, can't scream at her and show her the scars, can't bring myself to think THEY caused them(only that HE hurt me bad enough to). I lock it all up and don't ask, don't scream, don't tell. She's like a sister to me; easy to forgive.
Alright, bedtime. That's all my thoughts for right now. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping to do liquids tomorrow. Because I've been eating like a fat piggie and seriously might be gainin' instead of losin'.
Nightt~

Nervous...

So....in a few hours I'm seeing my therapist. I'm so freaking nervous. Like, there are zero words to it. I wasn't even this nervous when I first went to see her. So, wish me luck, haha. Maybe I won't like puke from being so nervous.
Thank you for your time. :)

Saying Sorry

I was playing with a rubix cube key chain that made noise any time I pushed a button on it while we were watching TV. My brother overreacted and threw something that hit my head. I deal with a chonic headache, so I threw the rubix cube at him along with what he threw at me (I didn't hit him). He went for a walk because he was so mad; I hid in my other brother's room. It hurt but only physically. Don't worry, there's a point to this. No, what made me break down in tears wasn't the fact that my older brother had hurt me. It was when he said sorry. I'm so used to people hurting me and never saying sorry that when he calmly came in and was acting his age, I could barely say that it was ok. I'm so used to being treated like crap that having say sorry makes me feel more guilty that anything. Like today, my dad was being a complete jerk to me. He made a few things that would've been jokes if they hadn't attacked my recovering self-esteem...and my mom laughed...but I'll never hear an "I'm sorry" about either of those.
I realize my life could be tens of thousands of times worse than it is; I've got it pretty good, to be completely honest, but it sometimes feels worse than anything. Life's not perfect for me. There's not a TV or phone in my room, but I have a cell phone with unlimited texting, the internet, three meals a day if I want them, snacks when I want them, a therapist, medication for my headaches (they only help slightly), and a mother who acts like she loves me most of the time. But really if I could, I'd give up all of it except for the therapist for moments of feeling...freed and well loved. Then I could worry about all of that later. Honestly, I'm probably just some overly dramatic teenager who takes everything so personally, but it doesn't feel that way. That's probably the truth, though.
Okay, lovelies, even though I would love to stay on here and type out every little thought I have, I wanna get some (how about 2-4 hours?) exercise in today and Mom's gonna make me get up for church tomorrow. So, goodnight.

Alright, end of the year

and this one hasn't been much better. J.P. blames it on starting her period, but she's just been mean. I think she's mad at me.
Alright, like nearly everyone else, I've made some resolutions for the year.
1. To lose 28-38 pounds from my current weight (142 pounds)
2. Lie more (It'll keep me out of trouble)
3. Smile more (seeming happy covers up everything)
4. Cut less or hide it better.
That's all I could think of. Most of it is making people think I'm still a good person and to cover up all sores I've made with my friends.
Alright, I don't know if I've talked about this before, but I don't like it when people ask if I've lost weight. Even if the scale says I've lost it, I don't see the lost. Looking at my own waist, face, hands, wrists, hips, everything I wonder why people ask. I should notice the change, I've lost over ten pounds, but I don't. There are days where if I squint, my stomach looks flatter, but those seem few and far between.
This leads me to my next thought. My therapist (yeah, fourteen and I need a therapist. Pretty pitiful if you ask me) is going to talk to my mom about me seeing a psychiatrist about medication to stabilize my moods on the third. Just before we go back to school. The day before we go back. Honestly, the only thing that bothers me is that I'm starting to feel like a burden on my family.
But that doesn't really matter today. TODAY, I should be upset with myself. It doesn't matter how much weight I wanna lose, I shouldn't be eating TWO frickin cupcakes. I should not eat one.
I think I upset people without meaning to. It's because I pull deep into myself when I'm upset. This is something I've done ever since I was litte. Probably because most of the time it was just my mom raising four kids, and I was generally able to deal with myself and could keep quiet, so when I needed her she seemed busy with something or someone else. So, now when something's bothering me, I fall quiet even if I try to push through and act normal. So I'm pretty sure this makes people feel as though they've hurt me in some way and it really bothers me. I hate when people think there's something wrong because I feel like I'm supposed to be their little springy light of joy who keeps them happy by simply being happy.
Yet I'm mess. You guys know this more this better than the kids at my school do. My Christmas was spent hung over from sleeping pills and nearly passing out after staying up until two in the morning feeling worthless because I had a flashback of those words, those feelings, that sense of betrayal from finding out that not only was my best friend the one who had told him the things that he used to hurt me but she didn't believe that he had hurt me, that broken feeling because until I was born, I wasn't wanted. I spent Christmas feeling kinda worthless because the only way I could deal with those emotions was by cutting and drugging myself. New Year's Eve was spent many happy, but arguing with J.P., finding new cuts appearing, and trying to feel perfectly fine. You, those who bothered to read this, know that I'm more of a mess than the people who know me off the computer.
Ok, I should get off. J.P. has either left or is leaving soon.
Byes.