Sunday, July 31, 2011

I am up way too early.

It's almost five, meaning I've been up for almost half an hour. I have done some web surfing, logged into facebook, made a post here, got myself some yogurt, and am thinking about getting off my lazy butt and getting a diet mountain dew.... But LM.C is too...catchy. I dun wanna stop listening.
So... Not much has happened. I just wanted to complain that I woke up so early. It was only five hours of sleep. I'm gonna see if snuggling up with three blankies helps me go back to sleep. Or maybe I'll get off my lazy butt and actually exercise. I don't honestly know what to do. Haha.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I have that crazy almost need like feeling

To text I.M. and say "Hello, beautiful. I love you. Goodnight." She's beautiful, even if she doesn't see it. I love her more than anything. And I really need to be asleep.
I'm really worried about Anna. Her family's freezer went out and all their meat was in there. It was a lot of meat. By time we found it, the only way to describe the smell was "It smells like death." (I said that). They don't exactly have money. So I'm worried. Worried that now she'll be going hungry more offten. It makes me feel selfish for starving myself. I'm so selfish.
But I told a friend of mine I use calorie countting as a way to forget cutting. I think it's true. I also think I'm going to text I.M. exactly that.
"Hello beautiful. I love you. Goodnight."
We aren't together, but if she knows she's loved, well then, I've gone and done my job. But I don't know if she gets texts in Calorado... Oh well. If she does, she'll probably not reply anyway. She might be in bed.
Savanna: I've actually talked myself out of that and into putting "You're beautiful" and things like that. Also...I can't cook. Haha. It freaks me out to cook.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Soo... I told my friends...

That even if I get in trouble I'm going to put my cell phone number up as a place for people to text if they want someone to tell them life gets better. You guys know how fucked up I am. I'm bi, I have this thing with eating, I used to cut, I've got killer mood swings apparently, I draw on myself, uhhmmm.... I'm a mess.
My Anna told me that I could get into trouble.
I told her I didn't care if I even got suspended. But that's a lie, I'd care a lot. Because it's not a "call this for phone sex" type thing. It's a "Here, I'll help you" kinda thing. It'd be refreshing compared to all of the gossip and trash talk and ripping people apart and "I love so-and-so" type things. See, I wanna start something new. I wanna write stuff like "Stay Strong", "It gets better", "You're beautiful", and things like that in each of the stalls in the girl bathrooms...because I'm a girl and going into the boy restrooms would get my into a lot of trouble. Haha.
The more I think about it, though, the more the idea changes to writing "I'm bi and writing that in a public place makes me feel so happy." OH! That's another good one: "Never be scared of who YOU are."
On another note:
I'm not eating enough. I keep almost passing out. Or maybe it's just the shitty circulation I have. My feet turned blue while I was in the shower. I dun think that's supposed to happen.
I feel like writing, but have no clue what about. I love writing.
I love music too.
And these mints. They're each about 15 calories. Sadly, the whole bag is about 660 calories and I had half yesterday and almost the rest today. Fail. Then again, when you get ONE freaking meal a day...grumble grumble... Stupid Dad won't cook for us... I mean, I have no REAL problem with not eating more than one meal, about six pretzels, and drinking a lot of diet soda and coffee, but my little brother is also home. He doesn't have eating problems, but has some developement issues and so he doesn't think to make himself something even simple like a peanut butter sandwich. Soo... He's involuntarially starving.
I love the summer and the school year. During both I only REALLY have to eat on the weekends. But during school I have more to do. During the summer, though, I can do what I want, sleep as much I want. During school, I can be the strong one at the table and not eat lunch. It's a fifty-fifty thing. I win, I lose. I'm hungry.
I'm gaining hips. My size nine skinny jeans that used to fall off are now clinging to me like I'm some fat lard. Weighing time!~

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

One step forward and Two Steps Back

Sooo... I thought I.M. was right.
Now I'm scared I don't want her to be.
=/ Guess that's just how my messed up mind works.
Ok! Another nerd moment. Yeahh... Sorry
For those of you who know what anime/manga and cosplay is, I wanna say that I have not, ever, officially done a cosplay, but I love a good one.
I have so been deviantart stalking this page since...yesterday.
Yesterday night, actually, I got my friend into SasuNaru, but we won't go into that.
Uhm... I plan on writing some today. Hopefully it won't be poetry, but then again, I'm trying to fill up this notebook with poetry. Yeah.... I'm such a poet. Hahaha no.
Mainly it's about love and how much love sucks and hurts.
Speaking of love, I have been in love twice. My forever and current love, I.M., and I'm pretty sure I was in love with J.P. and that's why it hurt so much when she was dating J.R..
My hair is sooo silky. It hasn't been this way for ages.
The split ends need cut off though. SNIP~
I'm thinking about starting school with really short hair. I wanna keep my bangs, though, because I feel like my face is still fat. =/ I dunno.

More Nerd talk

I'm really nervous. In about 3 weeks, I'll be in X (not home), Illinois. I probably won't post the 12-14. I'll be nerding it up with I.M. and her friends. For that weekend I need to figure out a way to spike my hair. O.O Scary thought. Only semi-spike it, though.
Ok, enough nerd talk.
One of my friends and I talked about how her family freaked out when she put that she's bi on her myspace profile and that she cried for a week about it. It makes me feel lucky that my mom just makes comments like "I don't think God views that very favorably" because I don't care what her god likes. It's kinda really sad, though.
I found out that my ex is a d-bag.
Uhmm... :/
Lottie: Don't look manga up online. You'll either be like "I just so wasted my time" or you'll fall in love with one. Trust me, I would know. I adore lazy days. I love just chilling out in my house for hours on end, just laying around...being lazy.
P.S. I think I.M.'s right. I think I'm getting "better" slowly.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Watching TV alone is so...lonely.

So, I'm pretty sure I've made it known that I'm a complete nerd. So, I was trying to watch the anime Loveless (squeee!!) and I got really bored with it. Maybe because I'm reading the manga, but the thought hit me of "This is really lonely." I'm used to watching Anime with my family, even if they mock it and hate it (my family is a little against homosexuals and, well, in Loveless the main characters ARE). was lonely. So I quit watching it. Today, I'm being nerdy and getting caught up with all my favorite mangas. Like...I spent two and a half hours last night getting caught up with the manga Naruto. It's gotten VERY dramatic! I nearly cried while reading it! Then again, it was the first manga I EVER read. It's special to me, just saying. I got it when I was...eight.
Hold on, I got this chapter of Kuroshitsuji to read and then I'll be ready to finish this post.
Dramatic gasp!! I so did NOT see that coming!
Ok, enough manga talk. I must have bored so many people. Sorry. If you're still reading, kudos to you.
I've had A cup of coffee today with no calorie sweetener and 30 calorie creamer. Very tasty. Very low calorie. I don't eat much until I have to these days. Probably killer on my metabolism.
Today, I feel very lazy. As you can see, I've done nothing expect read A LOT of manga and drink coffee. That's a lie. I've also checked my Facebook and talked to missy I.M. and listened to music.
Also, Marianas Trench (bandish) has a song called Perfect. It's a lovely song and I suggest listening to it. There's a part in it that says "I hate the way that I say I should stay
When I know that I don't give a fuck about it anyway
I shake hands and shoot smiles all around" And I have so felt that way before. Haha.
Also, this year is my sophomore year. It starts soon. I'm going to be one of those kids who gets home and DOES their homework. Except on Fridays. On Friday, it can wait. I'm gonna try for good grades. I need something more than a C.
Ugh. I don't wanna get up to get my coffee...but I really want some.
Okay, I'm gonna get up and get it...maybe..laziness.
Rachael: RACHAEL!! SQUEEE!!~ Okay, now that I'm done being a total creeper... I feel like an idiot because I try to push people I love away...and then I fall head over heels in love with people who don't love me and I hate it, so I quit trying to love them and then I'm with them physically and I fall more in love. :/ So I feel like an idiot more than half the time. And thanks, I hope it does work out.
P.S. I'm gonna go get my coffee now. =3

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I love the song Numbers

by Pompeii. It's just.. I dunno, I'm not bulimic, but I feel I can relate.
"It's just a diet, I've kept it quiet and if you told my family and friend they would never believe it."
That's my family and most of my friends. And my problems seem to slip away when I don't eat. If I fast or go the most of the day without food and down coffee, I'm on cloud nine, all day. I can be the happiest person ever.
I saw I.M. yesterday and the day before. It was wonderful...except she paid more attention to the friend she had with her than to me. Yes, I got jealous, but didn't really act on it or say aanything. They're best friends, what is unexpected about me being ignored? Oh well. Loving her is hard. I'm stupidly surprised I haven't given up yet.
I wanna tell her that. But I'm scared. I'm scared to tell her anything. What if her other friends find out and think I'm a freak? What if she tells Anna? What if? What if? What if?!
I'm an idiot.
Savanna: Oh my goodness, that was the worse part. I'm used to pain, I can take pain, but that sound is so nasty. Also, I believe this is the first comment I've read from you. Welcome to my lovely blog. <3
Kes: I love telling peopl I pierced my own ear already. Everyone just kinda winces

Friday, July 22, 2011


So, I pierced my own ear last night. I didn't numb it and it actually took me the better part of an hour. My dad's gonna be ticked when he finds out. My mom will probably worry. Me? Well, I was ready to pass out after doing it. I freaked myself out last night, but after piercing my ear my head was pretty clear.
Birthday party later today. Before that, I need a shower, to find my swim suit, to change clothes 9343314098 times, and to eventually be uber happy about piercing my ear to everyone who will listen. My ear hurts. Oh wait, we've established that.
Have you heard the song Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not? It's adorable. I'm in love with it. Although, it makes me kinda sad. I mean, so many people fall in love and they're loved back. Why did my back luck have to appear when I fell in love. We could've been something perfect. When we're together, my heart's racing. I'm perfectly happy. All I want to do is hold her and make her realize I love her like I've never loved anyone before.
Yeah, that's my "oh I'm so screwed when it comes to love" rant.
Other thingss:
I am the one asking you to care.
I am your best friend hoping youll be there.

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Be like a postage stamp... stick with it until you get there.

You have to believe in yourself. And you have to down deep within the bottom of your soul, feel that you can do the job that you've set out to do.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Hate them. Made my calorie count go from MAYBE 250 to, I dunno, 500. Two tiny slices of cake. I wanted more, though, but kept it to myself. I'm glad I did. Before that, I didn't eat all day. Then Mom came home. Then I had a taco with about 100 calories of veggies and 40 of cheese and then some mayo (it was a weird tasting taco).
Fast=no existant.
Uhm... I'm so tired. Haha.
Kes: I love ticking parents off. Like, I found out that my aunt hates Black Veil Bride because I wore my BVB shirt and my cousin told me. And thank you, I'm trying to make it seem inviting! ^^

Good Morning World.

Woke up to about six messages from I.M.'s twitter account. Poor brat didn't get enough sleep. I told her too, even.
Alright, so, I'm really enjoying being back. You are all very lovely. It makes me feel so cool when I do it right and so bad when I don't. You guys are there to pick up when I do bad by telling me that I'll do better and just wait and see, you'll be beautiful. When I'm doing great, you're still there, happy as I am in my victories. That's why I like this community. No matter what I try to do, you're there to back me up and support me.
I've been listening to Eminem. I bought the CD to annoy my dad, to be honest. Not to let it be a waste of money, I've played it. It's cool. Even if you don't think so.
I changed the blog again. It looks more open and lovely now. I think, anyway. What you think? Your honest opinion, whether you like it or not, matters!
The font is kinda...huge, but I wanted something that seemed open and inviting and it just seems that way huge. I think I'll make it a little smaller so that you don't have to scroll a lot.

I blog a lot.

And I've been eating a way too much. Calories, calories, calories. I wish I could go back. To before I cared. Sure, I was fat and unattractive, but I was happy. Now, I think I'll be happy when I hit a certain number. I tell myself "You'll quit this when you're at (insert weight)" but I know I won't be. But I want to see if I am. I tell I.M. about how I want to be that chick who ends up passing out at school (actually, I just told her I want to be the really thin chick). It's sick. Honestly, I'm a self-abuser when my own abuser is gone. Without J.P., I hurt myself. With her, she hurts me.
But don't tell anyone, alright?
I love my collarbone, I love how it hurts to do sit ups because my lower spine sticks out with I curl it. I wanna be thinner just to see how it feels when I'm smaller.
I'm pretty sure I'm pretty. I think I think that somedays. But I want to be hungry, want to be smaller. Because if I'm smaller, I.M. has to worry.
Yeah, I think like that. I want her to worry about me. Because she's thinking about me.
I'm so close to tears. I eat like a pig, want to be tiny so the person I love will think about me but I want to fall in love with someone else. I'm gettin so tired of this being one-sided. Hey, I.M. will you love me? No? Damn. I guess I'll move on with these tears in my eyes.
Goshhh.. I'm sorry, late night posts are always my most depressing.
I told I.M. thank you. That's all. What am I thankful? That she's made me believe in love, that she gave me hope, that I actually can smile at the fat thing I see in mirror, that I'm slowly quitting cutting, that I'm happy.
I got my own laptop. It's adorable. I love it.
Uhhmmm.. I'm out of things to say. Wow. I guess I'll go pop my pilll andd go to bed. I dunno.
Some lyrics:
but you're the only thing that's on my mind so whats a boy to do?
Let me keep this short and sweet,
you're the prettiest thing that i ever did see
I love that part. Because it's EXACTLY how I feel.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Yesterday, I messed up

I basically had a mini-binge where the calorie count reacchhheeddd 850. This makes my total about 1500. That's... awful! Of course, I'll be doing loads better today.
Okay, moving on to what's ALREADY happened today. I woke up nearly half an hour ago and my aunt's calling me. Only I didn't know it was my aunt because I don't have her number in my phone. So I didn't answer it. No one should assume I'm awake before noon. Also, I had gone to bed at four-ish. I'm allowed to be upset if they want me awake before noon. So, I'm not calling my grandma. Mainly because I don't have her number.
Wait, wait, wait, I think I found it. Alright, I'll call her. Right... Now.
Ugh I hate talking on the phone. Oh. Wow, you tell me to call you or rather someone else tells me to call you...and then you don't answer. Wow. Just wow.
Whatever, I'm done. I'm off to go and practice my guitar. I'm just learning how to play it. It hurts.

Kes: I was doing my laundry just because it needed done and I needed clothes. That sucks that you're usually nailed with doing it, though.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Just woke up.

I don't feel like leaving my room because, well, I wore a tank top and short-shorts to sleep in and I live in a house of guys and I just don't feel like changing.
Alright, I did some cleaning last night. Didn't find what I was looking for, but in a small area, I found my floor. I now have a pillow case full of stuff animals and clothes I don't want and another bag full of clothes I don't want. I have a huge pile of laundry I need to get done. And plan on doing.
Yes, I plan on cleaning while I'm not eating. Because I need to burn the calories and am too unmotivated to actually work-out. But if you saw the stack of laundry I have to do, you'd rather blog than get up and do it.
Oh, look, a distraction! Someone IM'ed me on Facebook.I don't really have much to say. Except that I'm dreading, kinda, going out to my grandma's because they'll expect me to eat. But I'm also not because my cousins are there, and they've proven themselves to be fun peoples.
So. Much. Laundry. It's so depressing. And I'm planning on doing it. Or, Most of it. Then, I'm gonna do my laundry every time my hamper gets full and not wait for my mom to do it.

Mess Up...

Went my Grandma's and ate. A lot.
But otherwise, it was fun. Really fun.
Tomorrow, I'm trying not to eat...again. I really need to lose weight and this is actually fun.
There's less than a week until Anna's birthday. I wanna be a lower weight. I want my I.M. to wonder how much I've eaten recently.

Lottie X: I really wish I didn't get jealous when other people don't eat because I know that they're "normal" and want to eat. I wish my friends and I were that cool. We're making up for it now that we're older, though. We actually text-roleplay people from our favorite shows. Yeahhh...It's fun.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I love Harry Potter.

There was a special on the TV for about an hour.
I couldn't sit down the whole time. Yeah, I was that excited over interviews with the cast. I told one of my friends it made me want to be an actress. I'm jealous of the bond that they said they made. Problem is? I can't act to save my life. Usually when I try, I end up laughing. Maybe I just haven't found something that clicks for me.
On another note, I'm a Slytherin at heart. I've even told my friends that I wanna find someone who says they're a Gryffindor and have play-fights with them. Yeah, I'm that kind of person. Sadly I hang out with the people who either want to fit in with their crowd of friends or would actually be put into Slytherin. play-fights for me.
Okay, done with the nerdiness of me. I haven't even seen the new movie yet and I'm just going on and on.
I don't want to talk too much here about what I've eaten (or not eaten) because I have a blog dedicated to that. But let me just say coffee. That's all I've had. And water, I've had water too.
I'm really bored. Like I wanna text someone, but don't know what I'd say. You guys should, like, totally swamp me with e-mail. At

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I wanna come back here.

It's the intoxication of so many followers. There are twenty-eight of you here. Twenty-eight people who act like they care about my problems.
That's a lot to me.
I don't reeally know if I'll come back.
I may try it.
Tomorrow I simply cannot eat.
My friend I.M. only had a sandwich today. No, she doesn't starve herself; there was no food at her house.
Still, I'm jealous. Because I ate today. So that she wouldn't do pot, but I still ate.


Americaneagle I'm feeling much better, thank goodness. So much better that I asked my straight, female crush/friend out. She said no, but it's alright. We're still friends.

Lottie x I think I will alternate between the two of them. But for the next few days, I'll be posting here.