Thursday, August 30, 2012

Getting fatter

J.P. whined about how grumpy I am when I don't eat so I ate. J.P. told me I wanted to be healthy. I should've told her I didn't honestly care.I should've spoken up. I just wanna be thin.
Spanish is neat.
I'm good at it.
Well, remembering it anyway. Speaking it is bad.
I just want to just but there's so many people around.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

...I'm so freaking fat

I'm pretty sure I've somehow allowed myself to get up to 170 again. No more eating. I don't care how grumpy I get. No more. I can't be fat anymore.
It makes me wanna cry. I'm just so upset. Like I eat so J.P.'s happy even though she says I don't have to. When I get grumpy from not eating she gets mad. I wanna be thin.

Friday, August 3, 2012


I always feel low around midnight. Unless caffiene is involved.
It wasn't tonight.
So even though J.P.'s here I cut.
I broke apart a razor last time we got into a fight at my house.
Today was the first time I got to use one of the blades.
One of them is deeper because the side I used was blunter so I pushed it in deep. The other one I just ran it across the skin.
All my bandages are at J.P.'s house.
It was like the first time I cut.
Funny how I remember it.
I thought about it a lot before doing it.
I stared long and hard at the glass I used to do it.
And then, with scared, shaking hands I did it.
Before then, I could've turned back at any point.
Now I feel like it's a part of what makes me.
Also I was on my computer a little bit and read some posts from everyone I'm creeping on on here.
Sorry I didn't comment.
Not enough time.
Oh! I slipped the blade into my wallet which is in my purse.
Since I rarely carry money, no one looks in my wallet.
Now I will have one with me, always. :)
Dunno how I'll explain that to my therapist.
I'm gonna be a junior this coming school year.
I've grown up a lot since freshman year.
Still, I cut and have trouble with food/my weight.
Guess somethings really don't change.