Friday, April 19, 2013

Sorry I haven't Posted Much.

If you're really interested in how I'm doing, you should follow my ed tumblr. It's got most thinspo, though. I'm mainly fine. Too fat, but I'm working on working on that.

Friday, March 1, 2013

I'm sorry I keep disappearing for long periods of time.

I don't feel like I'm worthy of my followers here.
Because I don't want to eat. I don't want to feel full. I don't want to not see my weight go down one day. I don't want my stomach to look huge because every time I eat I apparently get really bloated.
But I do eat.
I eat for my stupid girlfriend who refuses to eat if I don't and is smaller than I am anyway. I eat because I have a fricking stomach ulcer and everyone tells me I have to eat a plain diet, but I have to eat to get better. I eat because I want to give blood and not try to pass out afterwards.
So I eat and deal with the guilt in the shower or when I'm alone. "OH wow, nice flub. How many calories was that yesterday/just now/earlier? Too many, obviously."
When these thoughts started, I told myself that if I didn't eat or ate very little until I got down to where I felt good, they would stop and never come back. They never left. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because I'm actually overweight (hoping part of it's muscles) and don't have failing organs. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because I eat. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because when I want to break down I don't. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because when I do break down (and they're getting worse) I can usually eat afterwards. I've quit being able to do that, though. When I break down, I shake my head, begging J.P. not to make me eat anymore.
I hate feeling like this.
I just want to quit trying and stop eating like they expect me to.
I just want to restrict and fast and drink coffee on an empty stomach and enjoy the caffeine high.

Scarlett - that's exactly how I feel right now. I try really hard to be healthy, but at the same time I see myself doing different kinds of things to not restrict enough to be considered starving, but at the same time I'm not allowing myself to eat how I want. I wanna wake up next month and be itty bitty, but everyone says that it's so unhealthy to even consider that as a possibility.

LittleMissFairy - It's not really a consolation. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way that I do about this.

ruby-tuesday - I do believe that you're right. Because even "healthy" people starve themselves sometimes. Like a senior my freshman year said that she wasn't going to eat for the next three days because she needed to fit into her prom dress.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Everyone says there's a healthy way to lose weight.

Why can't I do that?
I'm either not eating, restricting, or gaining gaining gaining.
Everyone acts like it's so easy to follow, so easy to do.
How? How? How?
Also, what's all this harping to me about not eating?
Why can't I do something that makes me happy?
J.P. tells me that she'll help me lose weight.
That we'll exercise everyday.
Then we don't.
I really need to lose weight though.
I'm out of it, though.
I've forgotten the calories of a lot of things.
A medium apple is....seventy something, right?
No, that's a medium banana....
No...neither are seventy something...Gosh...
I need to get back in the swing of things.
Maybe I'll start ABC?
Or 24680.
I wanna be tiny for my senior year.
Itty bitty tiny.
I wanna be a zero.
I used to be a three.
They're not that far apart, right?
I still have homework to do.
I still have to workout.
I almost wanna say that working out is more important.
Cardio, though.
I do weightlifting five times a week(usually).
I need to burn the fat covering my muscle.
When I was fourteen, I was excited about learning how to drive.
But as my vision darkened more and more every time I stood up, I didn't expect to graduate from high school.
I still had plans for my future.
I want to be an author.
I wanted to be one then too.
I graduate in less than a year.
Still, I think I'm only physically better.
Psychologically, I  think I'm getting worse because I want to so so so bad but I don't want to have my girlfriend freak out at me. I don't want the look on her face.
The shame that I gave in.
I can't always be strong, though.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

 This plan ugly grey sweater is a small. Old Navy I think. I used to almost fit into it. It's my goal to fit into it before I graduate high school this December. Although I think it's really plain, I wanna wear it. I want it to be baggy. To be to too big. I just want to be that tiny.
 This is the dress I almost wore to Homecoming my sophomore year (2010). It's a five. I can't even hope to fit into it now. It's so depressing. This is a really simple dress. It came to a little above my knee. It has a ribbon kinda thing that's black on one side and red on to other. It has white polka dots on the dress.
 This is the dress I wore to the eighth grade dance. It was like the last hurrah of the year. The last dance before we were high schoolers. I'm so glad that I can't fit into a fourteen/fifteen anymore. I fit into a thirteen and every where is perfect except my boobs. It's always a little small there. But a fourteen falls off (literally, it's funny).
This is me. I was fifteen here, I think and probably 130/140 something. For some reason my lower arm looks about the same. A little bigger. I remember I could wrap my thumb and forefinger around my wrist and they would touch. I have so many pictures from this time, but none that are good. I used to have a ton on my phone. And then it broke.
That on the side is my leg (in the black, ripped jeans) and the leg of someone who used to be my best friend. I think my leg looks...decent? Where did I lose those jeans, though!? I loved them. Especially once they were too big. They were the only nine that I was happy in when I was a three. They just looked so much better
 Ew, ew, ew, ew. This is me. In the eighth grade. First few days of summer break. Few months before I started restricting. Months after I started cutting. I could've been pretty. If I was thinner.

 This is a few months after I started starving. I think I was 140ish?  This was a few days before J.P. and I started dating. <3 128.="" 135.="" a="" again.="" ago="" be="" bigg="" br="" but="" covering="" have="" how="" i="" in="" is.="" it.="" it="" know="" less="" long="" lot="" love="" m="" maybe="" picture="" re="" really="" seems="" so="" still="" sweater="" than="" that="" they="" this="" to="" toasty.="" up="" want="" was="">
Maybe once I finally decide to do my hair and make up one day and look decent, I'll post a current picture of me.

J.P. has finally gotten to see me at my worst.

I freaked out last night. So bad.
I kept saying "no" over and over because she suggested her making French toast in the morning.
We had just had a really bad fight.
I couldn't think of anything but how worthless I was. How I always make her feel bad.
How she deserves better. Which led to how she deserves someone who looks better.
But then today, I ate normally.
I told her I was munchy and she told to go drink my tea.
So I didn't have to deal with the regret of eating.
I feel like I was more confident when I was starving.
I don't understand.
People who starve don't get more bright and sunny.
They get less and less.
Until poof.
They just go out.
I'm 174.
Or that's what the scale at the doctor's says.
 Which is what I'm gonna believe.
That's my new highest weight.
I'm AT my highest weight.
Who cares if part of it is muscle?
I still have fat.
I want to be tiny. Teeny.
Size three again.
Maybe even size zero.
I used to be a size five in dresses.
Wanna know what I am now?
A freaking 13!
I was ok with being a size nine in jeans.
It's not double digits.
Thirteen, though?!
I was a fourteen in eighth grade.
That's one size away.
I really need to lose weight...

Thursday, January 17, 2013


J.P. and I got into a fight. I want to cut so bad. But that would make it worse. She'd have a cow.
So I'm exercising rather than doing my homework.
Went to the doc yesterday. Their scale said 174. The Wii had said that I was between 166 and 167 the day before that. I need really need to quit being so fat.
I make it sound so easy...And really it is.
It doesn't matter what you think, some part of everyone knows that if you move more and eat less, you'll lose weight. Even if you just move more you may lose weight. So long as you don't eat more.
It's all I can think about. If you move too much, your muscles ache. It's hurting yourself, only you can be proud of it.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I stayed home sick.

I felt really ick when I got up this morning.
I know that I need to be at school, especially when I don't eat when I stay home from school.
The wiifit says I have to lose (an average of) 3.5 pounds every two weeks to be 147 by ASTL.  To be even slightly thin. I think I can do it. Maybe. I feel fatter than I usually do because ALL of my jeans got shrunk last time they got washed. All of them!
I don't think my mom realizes that being home is so triggering. We have a scale now. A stationary bike. The WiiFit. Two dance games for the Wii. All of these "Maintain or lose weight" foods. Yeah, my mom and little brother need to lose weight so it's great that they have these things for them. I need to lose weight too, but if I didn't know my weight I wouldn't have thought I had gained any. I would've thought Man, you're so fat, but it wouldn't have bothered me. That's the weird part. If I don't have a scale to weigh myself with, I don't think about my weight. Until I do go to the doctor's or somewhere.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Let's see if I can record this without breaking.

171.8-I think is what the scale at the doctor's said. I know it said 171. That alone makes me want to break.
All of my pants that used to fit perfectly are too tight.
All of my thoughts that went away are coming back. It's so hard to not weigh myself everytime I go pee.
Remember that girl that was like "I'm gonna be 114 before I'm a junior in high school"?
Then she was like "NO! I'm gonna be healthy and love myself!"
Now she's fat and wishing that she had kept up with it.
She thinks about purging.
She can't eat without having stomach pains and nausea (I dunno if it's psychological or physical).
I'm not saying that starving myself made things great. I'm saying that with this mentality I'm going to hate myself even worse if I allow the pounds to add on.
This post is not saying that eating disorders make you happy. They make hell real.
I'm also thinking that my bi-polar crap is getting worse. Each and every year seems to get harder to stay sane.
The self-hatred screams for an outlet, but my girlfriend gets so upset with all of the outlets that make me feel even slightly better.
I honestly cried when I saw how much stuff didn't fit one day.
I've cried over gaining weight and just because I felt ugly.
I never used to do that.
I've gained muscle so I look better than I did in the seventh grade when I was first this weight. Only that knowledge doesn't make me feel better. Being so heavy makes me so upset. I just don't want to eat anymore. It'd be easy. Everyone says crap like "You're so pretty" but I know I'm not. I need make up, hair done, clothes fitting just so to feel like they may be telling the truth. I doubt that they really mean it.
I'm gonna go workout so that I may not be a chunk ball for ASTL in April.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


I'm taking a photography class.
Tomorrow we have to take in three pictures.
One that's significant to us.
That one was easy.
One that we took.
Which I have a ton on my phone, I just have to get one off.
The last one is proving harder.
What we find aesthetically please. Not people, just a photo of something we find "beautiful". It's so hard to not take in a picture of something like this:
Or this:
I'll probably chose a picture of a kitten... Like these: 
All it has to be is a photo. Why is this so freaking hard? Why can't I have a normal view of beauty? The one with the scars is actually the most beautiful to me. I see strength there. Strength is so much more beautiful than anything. It has to be school friendly, though, I bet.
Maybe this will work? Is this even a photo?
Why is this so hard?

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Hey, guys

I got my pretty lower lip stabbed by a couple of needles.
They hurt.
I only got it done three days ago.
I have hoops in the holes.
Professionally done, of course.
I didn't bleed very much. Just a little.
Every morning I've woken up with my lip swollen. Ibuprofen has helped a lot.
 I'm kind of stealing J.P.'s computer and internet and everything for a little while until Pit Bulls and Parolees gets over.
Then I'm gonna go home and play Just Dance (for the Wii).
I'm trying to be healthy. I'm trying so hard to not starve myself. It would be so much easier, though.
Exercise is part of that.
Dancing is a really fun exercise and J.P. makes it a competition and it's fun to goof off around her like that.
It's gonna be hard because I'm used to starving when I say I'm going to be "healthy".
I've been having panic attacks about my weight. Mainly my stomach and thighs. I don't know what's changed to cause this, but it's crazy.
I have a butt, so I don't really worry about it, but having a flat stomach would make me D cup boobs look even better.
Having thighs that didn't touch would make me feel accomplished.
Oh, I filled out my FASFA. In a year, I'll be in college.
I've applied for a job. McDonald's. Not the best, but it pays. Money is money. Getting it is nice. Spending it is great.
Alright, I'm done

Love you guys,
post again in a few days