Friday, March 1, 2013
Because I don't want to eat. I don't want to feel full. I don't want to not see my weight go down one day. I don't want my stomach to look huge because every time I eat I apparently get really bloated.
But I do eat.
I eat for my stupid girlfriend who refuses to eat if I don't and is smaller than I am anyway. I eat because I have a fricking stomach ulcer and everyone tells me I have to eat a plain diet, but I have to eat to get better. I eat because I want to give blood and not try to pass out afterwards.
So I eat and deal with the guilt in the shower or when I'm alone. "OH wow, nice flub. How many calories was that yesterday/just now/earlier? Too many, obviously."
I hate feeling like this.
I just want to quit trying and stop eating like they expect me to.
I just want to restrict and fast and drink coffee on an empty stomach and enjoy the caffeine high.
Scarlett - that's exactly how I feel right now. I try really hard to be healthy, but at the same time I see myself doing different kinds of things to not restrict enough to be considered starving, but at the same time I'm not allowing myself to eat how I want. I wanna wake up next month and be itty bitty, but everyone says that it's so unhealthy to even consider that as a possibility.
LittleMissFairy - It's not really a consolation. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way that I do about this.
ruby-tuesday - I do believe that you're right. Because even "healthy" people starve themselves sometimes. Like a senior my freshman year said that she wasn't going to eat for the next three days because she needed to fit into her prom dress.