Friday, March 1, 2013

I'm sorry I keep disappearing for long periods of time.

I don't feel like I'm worthy of my followers here.
Because I don't want to eat. I don't want to feel full. I don't want to not see my weight go down one day. I don't want my stomach to look huge because every time I eat I apparently get really bloated.
But I do eat.
I eat for my stupid girlfriend who refuses to eat if I don't and is smaller than I am anyway. I eat because I have a fricking stomach ulcer and everyone tells me I have to eat a plain diet, but I have to eat to get better. I eat because I want to give blood and not try to pass out afterwards.
So I eat and deal with the guilt in the shower or when I'm alone. "OH wow, nice flub. How many calories was that yesterday/just now/earlier? Too many, obviously."
When these thoughts started, I told myself that if I didn't eat or ate very little until I got down to where I felt good, they would stop and never come back. They never left. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because I'm actually overweight (hoping part of it's muscles) and don't have failing organs. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because I eat. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because when I want to break down I don't. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because when I do break down (and they're getting worse) I can usually eat afterwards. I've quit being able to do that, though. When I break down, I shake my head, begging J.P. not to make me eat anymore.
I hate feeling like this.
I just want to quit trying and stop eating like they expect me to.
I just want to restrict and fast and drink coffee on an empty stomach and enjoy the caffeine high.

Scarlett - that's exactly how I feel right now. I try really hard to be healthy, but at the same time I see myself doing different kinds of things to not restrict enough to be considered starving, but at the same time I'm not allowing myself to eat how I want. I wanna wake up next month and be itty bitty, but everyone says that it's so unhealthy to even consider that as a possibility.

LittleMissFairy - It's not really a consolation. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way that I do about this.

ruby-tuesday - I do believe that you're right. Because even "healthy" people starve themselves sometimes. Like a senior my freshman year said that she wasn't going to eat for the next three days because she needed to fit into her prom dress.