Friday, December 18, 2015

Feeling so much better

So far, I feel a lot better now that I've started my medications again. I had to change one of them because my insurance doesn't cover medications until we spend $6,500. The medication was about $800 without the coverage. It's really unsettling to have to change from something I know works.
However, this other medication seems to be working. Or maybe I just think that it's working. I started taking my two medications about four days ago. I'm not sure how long it takes for them to start working again.
Anyway, I feel a lot better. My medication makes me nauseous if I eat too much at one time, so I have to learn how to eat smaller amounts spread out to avoid that. Which is kind of triggering for me, so I'm kind of excited about that.
The school semester is officially over for us! Not that it matters for me. I basically took the semester off. Anyway, I'm ready for next semester. I'm ready to have school stuff to do.
Have I mentioned that I'm doing pre-med and psychology? I want to be a psychiatrist. Part of it is passion, part of it is the pay. I'm broke af right now, so a future where I never have to worry about money is very appealing.

Monday, December 14, 2015


I've been talking with my doctor about getting me on medication. One of them has gotten approved by the insurance, and is ready for pick up. The other medication has been ordered, but....disappeared? It's not at the CVS at home, it's not at the CVS here. It's just gone. I'm just pissed off about it.
I haven't been starving like I want. I feel like I've been compulsively eating. I haven't even been exercising. It's so frustrating. Everything is frustrating.
I want hip bones and my rib cage. I'm tired of being so well. I'm tired of being overweight. Everything is so tiring. I feel like I tell everyone that I have an eating disorder, but no one has ever seen my disorder. I feel completely invalid compared to a lot of other people. I want hip bones. I want be 114. It's a heathy weight. It's just a little on the lower side. I want to be 114. It's my magic number. It's been an obsession of mine since I was fourteen. 114. 114. 114. 114. 
I'm so tired of being overweight. I'm so tired of being the weight I am. I want to lose weight again. I want to feel in control.
Thank you, Bella, for suggesting I get back with medication. I'm really trying. It's just... part of me is so tired of trying because I feel like no one else is trying. You don't sound like you're being judgmental.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Long time no talk

I really need to start running. I need to start dropping pounds. I need to get back into the swing of my disorder again. I want to count my showing bones. I want to be sick. I don't know why. Everything is pretty good in life right now. Except that.
Also, I've been out of medication for about a month.
So that might be why.
My brain begins to obsess on some numbers. My good number is 114. That's what I feel like I need to be at to be happy. That's what I need to be at. I need to get back to 114. I don't know how to anymore though.
Much love,