Monday, August 18, 2014

I Get to go back to school tomorrow.

I know, I've already made one super long post today, but I'm super lonely.
I'm so excited about it. There's so many things that are different from high school to college. Like I have a class that's only two days long and one is on a Saturday. Also, the fact that it's weird to go from eight to three straight through in college is so nice. I hated going eight to three in high school. Classes in high school were usually boring. Guys, I only have two classes on Friday and I don't start until eleven or noon. It kind of sucks that I go until 4:30 everyday except Fridays. BTW, don't stalk me just because I showed you all my schedule. That's just plain rude and creepy.
And I applied for a job on campus earlier today. Hopefully I'll at least get an interview, but it's for the University Board (which basically plans and executes all the fun stuff we do on campus) so I'm thinking the fact that I'm a freshman might exclude me from it. It let me apply ok with saying I'm a freshman, but that doesn't mean anything.
I'm super excited about my GPA going up. It means that I'm actually eligible to participate in formal rush this September without any real worry. Usually I'm a really good student, but I feel like I kind of flopped last semester.
It's really weird. I have a friend that credit wise is a junior this year, but she started last fall. J.P., one of our other friends, and I decided that you can't be anything but a freshman your first year at college. If you have taken dual-credit or a college class or two in high school, it's not nearly the same as taking the classes in college. So, since you know about as much about college as everyone who is a freshman creditwise, you're still a freshman. I'm still a freshman. Next semester I'll be a sophomore. It seems to be going by really super fast.
Also, the semesters are shorter than high school semesters, so it makes everything seem even quicker. There are fewer breaks, though. Fewer days off. Or at least they're not as spread out. I have a month off for my "winter break" and an entire week off for Thanksgiving. My high school kind of screwed us with Thanksgiving. We got that Thursday and Friday off. That's it.
I actually packed up some stuff earlier to get ready to leave. I just haven't had the motivation to get anything into my car yet.  So it's all this huge mess in my room. And I need to do laundry, but I have one brother that got home today and another that's leaving tomorrow and one washer/dryer.
Kay I think it's crazy that even a small change can cause us to lose control. It's not that I think being alone for two nights is small for me or that your fights are extremely stressful for you, but compared to an eating disorder they just seem...tiny. Like, you hear those stories about people who were bullied their entire childhood, so they start dieting in teenhood and then eventually fight an eating disorder. And then you have me going the only person who even slightly gets me is almost three hours away if you drive the speed limit. Then again, I'm preset to starve myself because I've dealt with it before.
 I thought I had quit having dreams like that ages ago. I haven't restricted in ages. The last one I had was really weird. All these cupcakes were floating around me, and then I was in the hospital for being severely underweight and all the problems that come with it. Then my mom woke me up and I still thought I was hooked up to all the IVs and stuff for about two seconds.
I eat way better when I'm at school. I had actually lost five pounds over the course of last semester because I was walking to class and had better food choices. It was pretty exciting. Over this summer, I was working with a doctor to try and get my mental medications right. All of them can cause weight gain. Luckily, this doctor recognized that I had the symptoms of being bi-polar and now I feel more stable because of my medications, so maybe I can work my butt off to lose the 25ish pounds that I gained over summer.
I'm going to a state school (I've got two older brothers and both my parents that went to school before I did, so I had to pick a cheap school) for graphic design. This will be my first semester actually taking any art classes. My older brother works for his school's marketing department, and the head of it is actually a graduate from where I'm going to school. My brother says that this guy has taught him more than any of his actual professors about graphic design, so I think I chose a good school for what I'm going into.
 And I know you didn't ask, but fun fact, my girlfriend is going to the same school (we're roommates. It works cause we've basically lived with each our entire lives) for accounting. She started off going as a Special education major, and realized over spring break (we started last semester) that she can't teach and she shouldn't try to force it.
Huge reply.
Alright, I think I have everything out of my system. Thank you, guys.

One more day.

I get to make the trek back up to school tomorrow. I'm so excited. After I get there, J.P. says that we can get a fish! Then Wednesday, I get to have training on how to help people move in. Then I get to help freshmen move in. It's so exciting. I'm so ready to just be there.
I slept terribly. And then I woke up about the time my little brother should've been going to school. Then I woke up again. Then my mom woke me up when she went to work. I just did not sleep very well.
I'm ready to be back at school, and back in a semi-routine. And I have a thing with being weirded out by my planner being mostly empty.
I'm also applying for jobs on campus. I sent in one just now for the University Board. I don't think that I'll get it, but if I do the ideal position would be their graphic design/advertisement.
Oh! and because I did a summer class this summer and got a B in it, my GPA went way up. It was 2.69 and it went up to 2.75. I feel like that's a huge leap! I'm gonna do way better this semester than I did last semester. I'm gonna try to go every single class. I'm not a bad student. I was just really tired that semester, and I had a bad gallbladder that tried to become other organs.
So today, I have zero motivation to leave my room. So I haven't eaten much. Way less than I have in a long while. Of course now that I've mentioned it, I'm absolutely starved. I can ignore it, though. Or else I'll eat all of the waffles. I have this terrible tendency to put peanut butter and syrup on them. That's probably part of the reason I'm so over weight.
Last night, I had a really weird dream. In it, I stepped on the scale. It read like 240. Then I stepped on it again. 270. It was crazy. It was so bad that it woke me up. I'm so scared of getting any bigger. I'm so scared about it. It's just terrible.
Alright, beautifuls, I think this post will be super long if I don't stop now.

Sunday, August 17, 2014


Dropped J.P. off at school today. I know that I get to go in a couple days, but I still feel so empty. I had planned to crash when I got home. We woke up at seven to make sure that she was on time. We ended up leaving an hour earlier than planned originally.
Our room is awesome! We basically have two rooms conjoined by a door. They feel bigger than our room last semester. I can't wait to actually get things situated, and actually make it feel like it's ours.
I'm excited to start school. Or at least to get back to school. All of my friends, literally, are there. I have zero friends from high school. I hated high school. Everything was so dramatic in high school. I think part of that was because of toxic friends and toxic thinking.
I dyed my hair again. It didn't bleach correctly. Most of it was still really dark or orange. I dyed it a turquoise color. I was super sure that it wasn't going to come out right. It didn't, but it still looks ok. Well, it looks fried right now. I'm conditioning it. And hiding it in a cute beanie. A black knit one. Hopefully by Tuesday it'll look a little better. My friend 5.8 saw my hair. She had guessed that I was dying it purple. She said it looked really good.
I feel like I look like complete crap. I'm like basically 200 pounds (even though I hold onto that 197,198, 199).  I eat like everything, and don't seem to exercise at all. I just wish I could get back into the groove of things. Fall back into my patterns. Fall back into bothering to exercising and counting calories. I just want to scream. It won't do jack shit. I'm angry with myself. How did I ever let myself gain so much weight? How did I get this way? Why me? I only see flaws.
Alright, I'm gonna end this post here, so that you guys don't have to hear me completely break down and think about how blubbery I am and how worthless I am and how I've completely lost control of my body and how gross that all is.
Have a lovely day.
 P.S. Did you guys know that any change in the norm can cause someone with an eating disorder to start having various disordered behaviors? I don't remember where I read that, but isn't that crazy? We don't wake up one day and actually quit eating. Something happens, and then we quit eating or start binging or start binging and purging. That's nuts. But not really. And it doesn't even have to be something huge.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Feeling A Little Better

I ate more than I should have. However, I went on a walk. It wasn't a long walk because for whatever reason the back of my ankle hurt really bad. So, it was about twenty-two minutes long.
However, I got a nice two hour nap in today.
My headache hasn't gotten any better, though.
I'm around 200 pounds. The scale says 198 or 199 every time. I hate it. It makes me want to scream. I hate this. I was over twenty pounds lighter back in May. I was 175. All of this makes me want to scream for hours until my throat quits.
Today, after I showered, my hair looked really dry. It didn't feel dry, so I didn't think that it did. My girlfriend said that it looks really dry.  It's gross. I hate having gross looking hair.
I know I've said this before, I wanted to be a model. Now I've changed that to a photographer. Because I'll always be too big to be a model. Or too old.
Guys, I had over two thousand calories today. I really need to quit. I need to quit just putting things in my mouth.
What about ABC? Not for the full time. The first 25 days, maybe. Obviously with lots of water. As a jump start. Not as a forever kind of thing. I don't know if I want get better or worse, you know? If I get worse, I lose weight. If I don't get worse, I risk weighing even more than I do now. It seems to be obvious until you realize I either die from it or have to struggle to recover, maybe making friends in group, and then accidentally relapse making my girlfriend hate me and leave me even though we know that we work well together.
Bella- thanks for all of the suggestions. Several months ago, from January to May, I was eating far better than I have in years. I haven't starved myself for a period of time since my Sophomore year. I take a multivitamin every day. It's a "women's multivitamin". I started taking it about a month ago because my iron levels were low. I don't know if that would do anything or not.
It's not about price that keeps my mom from getting vegetables. Most of the people in the house don't like them. We actually have a very nice garden at her church where they only ask a donation if you think you could afford it where we could get fresh vegetables.
I wish that it wouldn't fall out, though. It's not enough that I have spots where you can tell luckily.
Also, it's nice to meet you too. It's a really nice. People can read it, but they don't have to. But it's off of your chest. Having people reply, though, is really nice and it feels validating.

Kay- Thank you! I agree. I think that it's comforting because complete strangers can't tell people that you know. Your secrets may not be safe, completely. They might tell their friends or family. But...they can't tell your family and friends.

I haven't been as good as I should

I'm still eating enough to maintain or even gain weight and it's scary and saddening. Every time I see my weight on the scale, I want to cry. I know that it's my choices. I know it's every little choice. I know that I'm a whale and I hate that. I know everything the doctor told me a few weeks back about losing weight (count every calorie, work out, go running/walking). I know all of it!
And yet I can't seem to actually do it. I can't seem to put it all into motion. Everyone's all "if you quit drinking soda, you'll lose weight." Wow! That's such a great tip! If, you know, I drank a lot of soda. I have a diet soda here and there, but not every day. And I still don't really trust regular soda.
It's just so hard. We have almost zero vegetables in the house. What we have in fruit is what my girlfriend and I have bought or had Mom buy.
What's worse is I'm eating like a pig and my hair is falling out. I never had my hair fall out when I was showing off all of my disorder eating habits. My hair is falling out, some times in small clumps, some times just one or two, but I worry so badly.
Gotta go.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Getting a much needed break!

My girlfriend called her daddy and asked him if we could stay the night over there. We lied, told my mom that they needed us to babysit. It ended up that we were actually needed to housesit. It's so relaxing to get to not have to do anything.
My head has been pounding since we got here, though. Like really badly. It's nice to be back on here, though, guys. It's nice to have a place to pour everything into.
Sorry this post is so super short, but I have to go.
We might be running to Wal-Mart here in a little bit for a birthday present for my girlfriend's little sister.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Goood Morning!

I have higher hopes for today. I'm gonna start counting calories again. I've had this cute little book for exactly that for ages and when I can't have that on me I have three little ones in my purse and an app for that. So, this morning I've decided to stay in my room all by room for a little while to recharge. I'm an introvert, usually, so all this interaction for what seems like 24/7 is just tearing on me. I woke up depressed from it. I had told myself that I was going to do a post before I went downstairs, and even getting up and grabbing my laptop was super hard. So now I'm listening to 3O3! and remembering a couple years ago. It hurts, but at the same time it's nice to go back.
I'm looking at the archive of my blog. Four years of my life. I've been dealing with this for four years. I hope that you guys, at least, see a difference in the girl who started this and the girl who keeps posting. I'm sure they're similar. I have a problem growing up apparently.
I'm listening to Piece of Me by Brittany Spears. I saw that I mentioned it in one of my older posts, and wondered if I still liked it. It's pretty solid.
It's been over an hour since I got up, but I don't want to leave my room still. I'm just... It's crazy here right now. And I need to eat breakfast, but I have a terror of a time finding food.
Also, I just realized how much I swear in my posts. It's like every other one. I don't cuss in real life, so maybe I'm just using it as an escape here.
Alright, gotta go.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

I kind of thought that you guys needed a longer post

And I saw that I have a comment on my coming back post. I'll start with replying to that so I don't forget.
Kay- I really hope that I don't disappoint. It's good that you're trying to recover. I don't know that I want to recover or if I just want to give into my thoughts. However, I won't find it insulting if you find my blog too triggering and decide to leave.
Alright, so that's it.  That's my terrible excuse of a reply. Hopefully the rest will be at the bottom.
So, I went to get my depo shot yesterday. Of course they weighed me. Of course they said it out loud. 198. I am a hundred and ninety-eight pounds. That's terrible. I used to be one hundred and thirty pounds. That's over sixty pounds.I hate this body. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I need to exercise. With how crazy everything has been, I haven't. I know, shame shame shame on me. I need to get up early and go for a run. Just me and my music. I don't actually think that I will be able to though. I hate getting out of bed. Everything is so stressful. I'm irritated. I'm on edge. I just need some control. Or my meds needed upped, ha. No.
My meds make me gain weight, but I can't quit taking them.  So I have to keep trying to lose weight. And fail. So I need to more than I'm doing. It's so frustrating! Anyone wanna give a girl any tips on how to start out again? If not, that's cool. I'm sure I can find it out on my own. Like tracking the snot out of my calories.

Hello Lovelies!

It's been a crazy little bit. My grandparents house caught on fire. It's completely gone. However,  everyone is fine. My grandma runs her own business, and her office and important documents were all saved (her office is right next to her house). So right now, they're living with my family. It's been really stressful especially when I forget my meds. When I do that I get really moody. Worse than when I wasn't on it. I've been stress eating. Isn't that crazy? Me, stress eating?! I don't stress eat. I stop eating when I'm stressed.
When I start counting, though, I always stay real low. Like half of what I need to. Which I know is nothing compared to what some of you do. It just proves that I need to count. When I was younger it came so easily.
Alright, gotta go.