Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I AM going to start running.

I'm going to do it! I'm going to eat less because I've been eating like hugo pigo today. Heck, I wanna go for a run right now because my other option is school work. Gosh, I have to work off this fat... Really, I wanna be PERFECT for my friends. So they can be proud and able to say, "See that pretty chick? I know her," about me.
My day? It's been boring. Got up, realized that everything clean didn't fit, worked out a bit (If that's what you could even call it), got dressed (yes, in the order), went to school, got homework, came home, around seven went back to school because my silly choir teacher had a meeting, signed up for stuff, signed up to buy a choir hoodie (large one), came home, and now, I'm avoiding my homework.
Okay, while I was watching the food channel today, I realized that I thought more about wanting to make the stuff than eating. Everyone says that the food channel makes them hungry, but I don't get hungry. Wanna go for a freaking run, but I'm not gonna. Have to get ready for tomorrow and stuff. GAH! Maybe I will as soon as I get home from school. I mean, Mom got me PE clothes a semester early, might as well use them, eh? Haha.
Tomorrow after school. Promise.
Night. ^^

Monday, August 30, 2010

All I can do is hope

Hope for what? Me not screwing up these 90 calories. 10 are from a near microscopic piece of a cookie the rest are half of those personal cartons of chocolate milk (or whatever it is).
Still feel all depressed like, but that's because my friend isn't talking to me which makes me remember that she doesn't talk to me when she's mad and then I think she's mad at me. Yeah, told you I'm clingy. REALLY clingy. And I even told her that she made me feel like I needed a boyfriend because she makes all these lesbian comments (like, she said I sounded like one in this blog I had and she said I acted like her wife, asking where she was and then getting mad). In less important news, I'm mad at her ho-ish boyfriend. I dunno why, but now when I see him, I get this boiling, burning feeling of hatred. Maybe because she can do better than that jerkface?
Okay, reply to zette's comment! I'm actually horrible to my hair. It's naturally black and I've bleached at least part of it white and then right after dyed the bleached part pink. AND my mom usually isn't too bad. Sure, she doesn't get when I want to be left alone, but last night was because she was really tired.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Stress and I don't Mix

Tore out some of my hair, tore apart my room, tore through my backpack, threw crap, and why did I do all of this? I couldn't find my locker keys. Sure, I looked calmly at first, opening the pockets that they're usually in (the two front pockets on my backpack) and then went and looked through my icky, dirty jeans pockets. They weren't in either place, so I went to my mom and by this time I'm panicky that I can't seem to find them. Very quickly, I ask if she's seen them. She says no and asks me if I've looked in all of the places that I should've looked before going to her anyway (my jeans pockets, in my backpack). That makes me slightly mad that she didn't offer to help find them, so I jogged through house, now in full panic mode, rip open the two pockets of my backpack, throw crap off the stool I have in my room, just in case I put them there, throw clothes around in the area where my dirty clothes are, then jumped onto my bed and over to this drawer I have on the floor, throwing crap every which way until my hand brushed against them. Needless to say, my hair and room look horrid.
Oh and I still have homework, so I'm gonna get off and do that.

I'm on the last string,

and need to be perfect. Solution? I need to get rid of this fat, so no food until I'm thin enough to make people stare. None until I feel perfect. Nothing until I'm good enough.
And now you're all probably thinking that I can barely do that for one day, I won't be able to until I feel perect. but I will, no matter what. I just no one blames themself.

Woke up to...

That amazing, starved feeling and yet...last night's depression carried over too. I guess it's finally sinking in that J.P. doesn't want to talk to me and we are super best friends. J.R. said that this shouldn't make me feel like dying, that it didn't make him feel like dying, but I feel like a piece of me, an important piece, was stolen.
The only silver lining I can find is that I'm one of those odd people who don't eat when they're sad. I simply don't feel like it. Kinda depressing that THAT'S my silver lining.
I keep expecting someone to text me, telling me I'm worth something, but they don't know how low I'm feeling. Actually, a part of me doubts that anyone would even if they knew.
Okay, I have to go start my morning and drink, like, a gallon of water to shut my stomach up. Hope you guys are having better days than me. Bye.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I Don't Get on Facebook to be Insulted.

But that's what my friend's, who's being a total ho, boyfriend is doing. I feel near tears, but I'm still typing this tough, ticked off persona. Can someone just kill me? Oh, and he says I blame everyone else. Haha, Cause I don't spend over half my time hating myself! Screw it, I'm gonna hop off there, cut up...Somewhere, dunno yet, and just curl up in my room, sobbing. I need someone who will listen, but both of them are taking the others side and I just wanna die. Can someone kill me? I can't starve right, can't make anyone happy. I just wanna effing die. So, I'm gonna get off soon and go cut and starve and wallow in my selfpity. Or, maybe just drag the computer into my room, continue the convo, listen to music, cry, cut, hope I die, freak the dog out, and try to get rid of a little of this self hate that I'm apparently amazing at hiding.

Ugh, I'm so fatt

Can't go one dinky day without food. It used to be so much easier! But now I'm too fat.Worse, our scale is being evil and telling me I'm crazy things like 168 and then 142 and UGH I know I'm not 142. I wish I was. It would be amazing.
OK, I'm gonna hop off and be a fat little piggie.

Friday, August 27, 2010


I got ticked at her because we were talking about she barely eats, but has a normal weight, yet used to brag about being 98 pounds (she's 5'3" and this was back before I went semi-insane). Then she sent a text saying, sarcastically that she's such a horrible person. Haha, that made me snap. This is the text I sent to her:
"Screw it! Im sick of eating, of it being a deal, of everything! Im sick of how painful life is, of how i feel everything is my fault, of how you act like nothing between us could possibly be your fault, of how i feel like i should somehow be better!"
Worst, probably, mistake ever, but it's all true and I felt like my chest would explode. Then, as though to make life worse, I'm too fat to fit into size 9 skinny jeans. So I started on my work out list that I have to get done before I go to bed (says me).
I feel like I'm suffocating, like I could die any moment and not a soul would notice until I started stinking. My butt's huge, my thighs are fat, my arms are horrid ugly, I have a double chin, my tummy makes me look pregnant, and worse of no one tell me otherwise. Yeah, you guys have people who say you're pretty. No one thinks it when they see me.
Sorry, that's me, breaking down mentally. I thought it would be fair to share it. Now, I'm going back to working off all the ickiness that I consumed today.

(80th post ^^)

Started a fast today.

And to get through lunch without anyone complaining, I drank this tea that's 100% natural (about 35 calories) and had a VERY tiny piece of one of those string cheese sticks(guessing about 10). I only ate it because the girl who gave it to me was, like, intently watching me after telling me I wasn't going to get away with not eating it (not exactly like that). Now...the real challenge begins...Being home, with my family for the weekend.
Oh, oh! This morning I did 50 sit ups (I has a flubby tummy) and, like, 70 jumping jacks to wake up and then I did that bicycle thing for about 30 seconds (because I had to also get ready for school). And I did, gosh, six push ups! SIX!!
So, I've had, about 50 calories (5 from gum) today...Hum... Gonna go walk the dog so I'm not too terribly tempted to eat anything. Wouldn't it be horrible if I took the money I have (all $23) and bought food? And ate and ate and ate...This is starting to sound like a nightmare, so only A dollar for a diet, no calorie soda. Haha, this feels like plotting the downfall of the world or something silly.
Today was actually kinda horrible. Like, two of my teachers gave me candy...and I have a horrible sweet tooth. BUT I'm gonna keep them OUT OF SIGHT so I don't just go nuts and devour them without even thinking!
Still looking for ways to work my arms, so please, please, please, please give me suggestions! Mom's said we CAN buy some weights! YAY!
Okay, gonna go walk tubby dog and get nice exercise and a soda and I'm gonna be super duper happy today.

I'm so ticked with myself!! Screwed up my fricking fast. Remind me to NEVER even THINK I'm doing ok! 150 sit ups and 500 jumping jacks and 50 push ups before I go to bed. Sound good?Not really, I should do more. And then I'm not gonna eat starting tomorrow until wendsday!No matter how hard.


Yay! Now, when school is over, I can come home and sleeep. For hours! This week has killed me! I stayed up until midnight checking and commenting on blogs and then I woke up at 6:45. It killed me, but it's understandable that I would use "unlimited web access" for this while the computer's internet is deadd. Alright! time to get off my butt (which I exercised to wake up along with my arms and tummy) and get ready to leave for school! Good morning and goodbye!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Losing sleep

I've got a question that's got me losing sleep (though it shouldn't). OK, so, that area above the elbow, below the shoulder is where a lor my flab seems to gather. What are some ways to get rid of it? My arms looks disformed because I have tiny wrists (actually, they're just kinda small) and flubbery upper arms. So... HELP please. What are some ways to get rid of that flubbiness? This isn't really a weight loss thing; it's a holy cow, this area is fattt thing. Thank you (for at least reading this!)


I'm a freakin pansy! We get strawberries and cream cheese and cookies, and I'm going, "okay, I had Friday and Saturday planned, so I don't REALLY have to do this." But I also feel like I have to, just to keep up with a freakin size 7. Yeah, I'm 5'5 and a half who wears fricking size 7 jeans. I've got huge thighs and a huger butt. I hate it!
Ok, gonna go so I don't depress anyone. Remember to stay cheery even if it seems bad. ^^ Toodles!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Should I?

Or should I not? Quizes tomorrow, or maybe just one, but should I? It seems so tempting to do. What I'm questioning is basically a midweek (kinda) fast. I would have half a slice of bread (30 calories) to keeep my mommy from being super suspicious then water, water, water (maybe a milk at lunch, wait, no, it has 170 calories) and nuthin else. Man, it sounds so... amazing, tempting, astounding, and... dangerous (I think?) to have one tomorrow and then one Friday and Saturday.
Oh and I'm gonna start running again No ifs ands or buts because mine is getting big(butt, I mean).
Gonna go to bed now! ^^ Just a BLAH about life. (at least it wasn't a total ramble!)

Monday, August 23, 2010

Weekend Fast, maybe?

So, since I completely screwed up the past two days, I'm thinking of fasting Friday, Saturday, and maybe (if I don't feel completely screwed up) Sunday. So, for me at least, this means water and diet soda and nonsugared tea (which is something I haven't since July) and MAYBE (if I'm desperate) one nondiet soda. Sounds...painful, haha.
Now, I'm going to leave you until tomorrow. Need to keep a journal just in case I, like, stop actually coming on here (does that seem possible?). NIGHT!

Today made me just feel....VERY happy.

First because we were singing I Got A Feelin' by The Black Eye Peas. I mean, come on, having a room full of high schools practically rocking out to that song and having me who seems to get her...emotions(I guess?) from the people around me. It was simply amazing...and then I had to go to GEOMETRY (which was actually easy).
THEN I got THREE hugs today! THREE! All from different people. And my dad was there ON TIME so I didn't freak out about how I was going to get home.
Now, I hop on here to tell you guys I made it through the school day with only consuming 320 calories and I've got a new follower of my blog and that was better than any hug because it's just, like, YES!!! I'M KINDA INTERESTING TO ANOTHER PERSON!! I swear, I feel like running through the house, squealing. Haha, now I'm realizing I haven't really given you guys basic info on myself. So, here we go! ^^ Excitement!!
Strange info about IXIA!!

1. I am 14 years of age (though you wouldn't be able to tell if you saw a picture of my, I look older.)
2. I am 5'5 and a half. That half DOES matter to me because I come from a family of people taller than me. Seriously, the only people shorter than me are my wayyy younger cousins, my grandmas, and my mom.
3. I'm a freshman in HIGH SCHOOL. Not college, which I see in a lot of other blogs. No, I'm really young and in high school.
4. I have what is called Chronic Daily Headaches. Basically, it's a continuous headache.
5. In case you didn't know, I cut. This truth actually makes me feel like crap because the longest I've gone since I started (at the end of April) is less than a month.
6. This year ticks me off because I got into all of the advanced classes EXCEPT the one I wanted.
7. I don't cuss. I get close to in some of the words I say/type, but I don't cuss.
8. One of my main fears is being stalked. Not kidding.
9. Writing is this, like, the only thing I do well.
10. I THINK my weight is 151. But I'm stressing that THINK there because I'm also pretty sure it's more.
11. Stripes. I love them.
12. Since seventh grade (spring break, actually), food and I have had this weird relationship where for a while I would avoid eating (in front of people or at all) and recently that relationship is really bad.
13. I love singing and SOMEHOW (methinks the teacher was high when she did my audition) made the high school choir. Everyone goes on and on about how hard it is to get into the choir.
14. I have a major sweet tooth, so saying no to chocolate and crap is hard.
That's all I can think of. AND seriously, if you have music to suggest, don't be afraid to! I listen to a little of everything.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Good morning! So, I've already laughed today. Yep and I'm gonna tell you why. So, I woke up feeling like I was starving from hunger, so I got a 100 calorie yogurt. After eating half of it, I decided I should make it last. Well, after reading a few pages in the book I'm reading, I got up to get another bite and just before I picked up the spoon I nearly puked. Isn't that gross? Haha, I thought it was funny, like a sign to not eat the yogurt. That's all I gotta say except that I have a boat load of homework I should be doing, but don't really wanna.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Final Calorie Count?

780. Yeah, it be very high, but not over 800. I'm hoping I can only have 700 tomorrow and then 600 through the school week and then, maybe 300 on the weekend and back to 600 for the school week. Sound fun? Yes, yes it does. Now, I'm going to got. Bye, bye!

I feel....Demonic.

Which is my new favorite word so I don't really use it how it's supposed to be used. It means something is really cool/awesome/generally good unless I use it how it's supposed to be used. Okay, now that I'm done explaining my odd word choice on to why I'm posting.
I found a shirt I wore in the THIRD GRADE. I was so fat in the third grade that it fits all baggy. And my mom went on and on about how I was so chubby back then and now I'm not. My thoughts were along the lines of, "If only you saw me through my eyes..." I've gotten really pitiful. Happiest day of my summer? When I got up one day, stepped on the scale and was.... 149 point some stupid number like 8. No joke.
Power to those of you who WANT to lose weight, but for me I don't want to, it just feels...mandatory. Like, you have to be thin to be in high school or some dumb crap like that.
I'm sorry if I rant. My friend told me last night that I can be really stressful and so I had to fake happy even though I felt totally depressed. The things I do for my friends. LUCKILY it was only over text message so it was really hard to pretend I understood, I was happy, I cared. When really, I was slicing open my mouth and back. Yeahh, I don't know why either. Oh and I was drinking soda that way I could actually be happy with her. I was acting like I didn't care that she had ignored at this, like, carnival we went to and that I understood that she had missed her boyfriend soooo muches even though it had only been a week and that it didn't bother me that, even though I'm her best friend, he's more important. But today, I just can't do it. I can't even fake total happiness for her because, quite frankly, I'm not all that happy myself.
Today.... I'm trying to put music on my MP3 player. It's sooo hard to do. I can't think of anything! OH, I'm also....COMMENTING ON BLOGS and stuff today. Because I feel like talking to...people, in general.
OH OH OH! I'm thinking of just eating breakfast this semester because I don't have PE. Yeahhh, I needed a semester of health, so I decided to get it over with.
Calorie intake for today= probably 200-300. Yeahhh, probably should eat a little more.... but it feels good. OH! And I took a long walk today and and and I'm planning on doing some crunches and jumping jacks and push ups. Gosh, look at what these blogs do to me, get me all hyped up when I'm feeling down.
Feel free to suggest songs!
Can't think of anything else that needs to be said, so I'm gonna hop off now!

Friday, August 20, 2010

I'm back....Gah.

So, I let one of my friends go. Haha, that sounds funny. She told me that her boyfriend makes her feel likes matters. Gee, thanks. So, I figure she'll be happier without me there. Oddly enough, it left me feeling depressed. Like, CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES!! depressed. So.... I don't know if I'll keep bouncing in and out or if I'll actually stay and give into all the urges I've been resisting.
Freshman now in high school. Boy oh boy. I've lost my schedule already. Gonna have to run up to the office (with a dollar, just in case) and get a new copy. At least I haven't lost my keys to my locker...yet. Haha. Can't wait until "Basic Drawing" on Monday. I sit to one of the coolest people in that school and she makes me just grin because she's so bubbly.
Got a new MP3 player because I screwed the other one up so bad it can't charge. Dun really know what to put on it, but I'm totally thinking about it. Maybe sad songs? Haha, yeah. But of course, I've got to have bouncy songs, those songs that you hear and HAVE to dance to or it seems like a waste of song. Yeah, one or 99 of those. OH! and Three Days Grace for those moments when I wanna punch someone's face in or just scream at the world for being too screwed up!
Okay, so last night I hung out with one of my friends, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's friend. I think I like having him around when they decide that a week is AGES and have to ignore me who is walking RIGHT BEHIND THEM! Jerk.
I've been acting like nothin' can hurt me around her, but everything does because I'm just a stupid sensitive person. Everything matters even if I don't. I suddenly feel...poetic. Like, dance in moon rays, the rain, screaming my lungs out until my throat is raw, then breaking down, crying for some sanity kind of poetic. Which I could translate to beautiful, but angry and then desperately sad and frustrated.
Well, I'm gonna go for now. Toodles. =3 I'll get all nice and caught up with what I've missed on YOUR blogs when I get internet in my room and have the night to spend reading them. Really missed everyone. ^^

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'll Admit Nothing and Everything

I'm avoiding this place like it's the plague because maybe, to me at least, it is. BUT that's not the reason for this post. One of my friends told me that another one of my friends was cutting. Do I poison the minds of people I meet?! When I asked, she admitted it, but told me she quit. I asked her why, made this huge deal of it and went so far as telling her that if she just told me because, I would feel insulted. One of my other friends wants me to quit, and for that reason I want to quit cutting, but it's one of those things that I do when I feel I have no control, when I'm powerless to control anything but how much pain I put myself through. I know that even if I try not to cut when I feel like that, I'll do something else, something more self destructive. Maybe I would go back to how I was this summer. Starving instead of cutting. Really, it's a tough choice. I'm not proud anything I do, but... it felt like a safety net. It's a bad reason, I know, but that's what it was. Cutting, making myself bleed, tossing food out the window, grinning at hunger pains, it was a need to feel like I could be something more than I am.
I don't think I could explain it to anyone who hasn't been through that need to feel like you have some control in your life. Cutting is like...my scream in a silent world. A scream in a world where silence is expected and anything but is punished. My cutting is that silent scream that says something is breaking, something is not right. My cutting is a scream that challenges the silence, but can't beat it. `The scars that dance on my legs are the screams of me, giving in to the pressure both parents put on my, the healing cut on my wrist is that final defiance of a selfish child, trying not to share their favorite thing. Hidden scars, healed up finally, on my feet scream of childish longing to be a happy family. All of them have some hint of loneliness that I was...am trying to push away. Each time I look at the scars I feel a sense of failure. I did this to me, no one forced to pick that up, I did it. I'm still wondering how to cover up the scars on my thighs during PE next semester.
Okay, okay, I'll get my sorry butt to bed now.