Monday, January 30, 2012

I just want to feel alright

Was gonna fast today.
Then I had two itty bitty cookies for lunch.
Then I came home and had over 600 calories.
Step on scale.
152 it reads.
What do you do when size nines are starting to cling to you body?
When you realize you're all the way back to square fuckin one?
And why do I keep telling my girlfriend that she can't starve herself when that's exactly what I do?

Also, when I don't eat, I feel like one of those girls with the dark eye shadow and liner who just don't seem to be there.
I'm going to exercise like a beast before I go to bed tonight.
Because. I'm. Sick. Of. THIS!
I want to lose this weight.
I'm impatient.

Because I've tasted thin.
For a brief moment.
Now, I just want to get there (and farther).
So, J.P. says that being in a relationship makes her all insecure.
Sadly, I want a person who can make me feel beautiful and safe this starving is for me and then.
Someone who's confident so I wanna look good for them.
I also want tiny legs.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I feel inadaquate. No matter what your reason for leaving is.

I was supposed to go to her house so that I could be there with her while her mom's boyfriend was there.
I got into the shower and her grandpa showed up, so she left.
It makes sense, she had to.
So why do I feel somehow like I failed her?
I want to be that thin friend, the one everyone is scared to leave by herself for a long time.
I know it's selfish.
But I want to be the girl that people are scared to touch, but want to hold together.
I want to be that tiny girl at the lunch table who downs a bottle of water for lunch instead of the fat chick who eats EVERYTHING for lunch.
Tomorrow, I believe I will take a salad for lunch.
This time last year, I was a whole twenty pounds lighter.
Okay, not exactly true.
I was about 136.
I'm now 151.
It hurts to type.
I look back on all the times I ate things I shouldn't have and I wish I had exercised instead.
But I thought I owned the world.
I thought I could eat whatever, do whatever and still be 128.
You can't be 128 if you eat normally when you got there by starving.
Why is it so much easier to not eat than it is to eat and count the calories?
Because if I allow myself the luxury of eating, I will eat everything I decide I want.
That's how my mind works.

Sam Lupin
I think I maintained. But last night when I weighed myself I nearly freaked out because I was 156. And I almost cried yesterday because I had to buy size seven and size nine jeans. And we WILL get there. ^^ I'll work so much harder so that we will get there together.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Didn't fast today.

I don't know what happened.
First I was just going to eat a small bit of cereal with J.P. in Bio.
Then I had lunch and a cookie.
Then I went to her house and had mash potatoes with butter and salt.
Then I had those heart shaped Zebra cakes (290 for both) and come milk.
I kinda feel like that that's a high number, but low for a normal person.
Tomorrow, I'm going to try fasting again because I'm still in the 150's (151.6)
I want...need to be out of the 150's soon.
There's a dance coming up.
I wanna fit into my dress.
I want to look cute in it.
I want to be beautiful no matter what I'm wearing.
J.P. and I didn't go to church because her grandpa said the road was already freezing over.
For the rest of the week, I'm basically having a study hall because we have a sub.
Tomorrow, I'm going over to Anna's house.
I texted I.M. for a bit.
Alright, I'm going to bed.
I'm so tired.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I drink coffee and water and diet soda as though they'll wash away hurt I deny.

Went to see my therapist today.
She asked how my eating was.
I didn't give a direct answer.
So she asked what I ate today.
I didn't lie.
Most of a slice of pizza, most of half an apple, some green beans, some trail mix, a cheese roll-up from Taco Bell, cinnamon twists from Taco Bell, some mac and cheese from KFC, and a small cherry pepsi.
It was an easy talk.
I don't know how she feels about me eat/not eating.
J.P. indirectly told me she thought I was going to rape her.
I felt...worse than if I had tried a two day fast and failed.
Honestly, I think I'm gonna do a two day fast.
I need to feel proud of myself.
Also, I need to start counting calories again.
I don't know how I quit.
I don't know anything anymore.
I used to know the calorie count of every food I even thought of eating.
Need to exercise too.
I exercise when I fast.
Like a lot.
More than I probably should.
I do a lot of running.
It causes my stomach to go SQUISH.
The hunger falls away.
The weight falls away.
It makes me want to dance.
Usually, I weigh myself at least three times a day.
Today I've only done it once.
In the morning.
Also, I've been reading a book called The Predicteds by Christine Seifert.
It's beautiful.
I don't really like the main character, though.
Like, I do sometimes.
But not a lot.
But I like the book so much that I don't really care.
Is that weird?
Thought so.
Okay, time to weigh and exercise.
Thirty minutes of running?
I think I can do it!

Saturday, January 21, 2012


When your weight goes from 150.2 to 152.0, all you can do is breathe and plan your next fast.
I am planning to fast tomorrow.
I love being able to watch the numbers go down, down, down.
Yes, it's hard.
It's hard to deny the foods I want.
It's hard to not go and just eat everything I want.
I can do it, though.
I can drink enough water that I feel full.
I can swallow a vitamin that makes me feel like I'm gonna puke and then just say I don't feel well.
I can fast.
It's addictive and I'm back to doing it.
J.P. and I got into another fight last night.
I was to the point I was hyperventilating and crying.
At one point she said that she was going to another bedroom to sleep.
It made everything worse.
To me, it wasn't just her getting up and leaving.
It was her leaving.
It was her just getting up and leaving for good.
It was horrible.
I don't remember how, but in the end she was holding me and I was crying, saying "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry" over and over.
A little while after that, we just snuggled.
I weighed myself about three times today.

Sam Lupin
Things always get better with her, it just takes a little while. Haha. Ahhh! You mentioning my running reminded me that I've been a lazy butt all weekend. Gotta change that tomorrow. :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

She smiles like she's so tough.

Ran for twenty minutes.
Things with J.P. and I got better.
Then S.C. decided to watch a movie that begins with a rape.
J.P. was all jumpy because her ex-boyfriend tried many times to rape her.
So I called her.
Told her I loved her, which I think I do.
She said it helped a lot and now I can't stop smiling.
I've decided to not do two days of fasting this time.
I'm really hungry and I think that if I tried another fast, I'd go to J.P.'s house and binge.
So I will eat tomorrow.
When I weighed myself after my shower (an HOUR of exercise) I was 152.6 pounds.
I did an hour of exercise after school, probably about twenty in school. Now if only I could wake up early and get at least ten in before school. That would be beastly.
Ok, so, J.P. and I aren't very public about our relationship. We come from a small town in Illinois, if that gives any clue about why. If it doesn't let me say that when one of J.P.'s friend's sister decided to kiss her girlfriend on campus, it was like...a freak show, a circus. Something for people to watch, goggle at, be almost disgusted with.
Also, J.P. isn't very "OOOOHHHH I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP!!! EVERYONE MUST KNOWW!!!! SPAZZZZZZZ!!!!!" kind of person. If people know, woo. If not, that's chill too.
But she wants to hold my hand tomorrow, at school.
I'm excited and nervous.
We've been dating for over two months and the most public we've been is kissing in her kitchen when everyone else is in the living room.
Sure, we've cuddled on my couch while working together on a book we're trying to write (actually, I think she's kinda forgotten about it), but when I'm "in the zone" I don't like to be touched even.
I don't like to be touched, talked to, or have to look up from my writing. It takes me out of the world I am crafting, and thus I feel as though it would be less believable.
I'm getting off topic.
Which doesn't really matter because I should most definitely be in bed, asleep.
I've found that if I go to bed at 10:30 PM and wake up at 5:45 AM I don't feel like I'm gonna die.

Alright, Good night!!

Do you ever have that feeling?

Today in weightlifting, J.P. and S.C. decided "Oh my gosh, I hate working my legs, let's fuck around." So they had a, like, five minute conversation about S.C. trying to hook J.P. up with some guy who turned out to be J.R.'s older brother.
Cool, cool, don't care, S.C., do your exercise or let me do it.
But then I mention it to J.P. and it's "Let me get mad at you." Now that I'm trying to settle things it's "Well I did tell her to get to work a couple times" (which I do remember her doing once or twice) and "I'll remember to keep my mouth shut from now on because I'm never good enough anyway."

I rarely voice when something or someone ticks me off.
Even more rarely do I say it to them.
I nearly started crying when I read J.P.'s text basically saying that I said that she wasn't ever doing anything right.
I was, am, so upset that one of the few times I bother to tell her that something bothered me, she reacted like that.
So I straight up told her I don't see us being together if she's going to always twist my words around just because she already feels upset.
Also, she believes that I've started cutting again (which I kinda have) because I get bored in one of my classes and use my mechanical pencil to leave red marks on my hand and ran out of room on my hand, so I went to my wrist and apparently pushed too hard and made scabs.
Also, this morning I was 153.4 pounds.
Nearly did a happy dance.
I kind of want to know what I am now that I haven't eaten most of the day....
Lots of water, though.
I had 36 ounces of water before I even got to school.
And a large coffee from McDonald's.
I have a small cut above my knee from a couple days ago.
Fuck, how does everything become my fault in the end?
How is it that when I try to explain my side it's "Well, I'm sorry I need you sometimes and you aren't there. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you". It always seems to come back to me somehow. I'm always the one at fault, the one who can't do anything right.
I guess it's only a problem when tears turn to cuts.
And because she was blaming me for everything so I compared her to how she was.
And she's just like "I'm sorry I've been a douche today" while she's crying and I've tried to talk to her about what had bothered me and so I said whatever and she's just like "It's not whatever, just try to talk to me." And I did try before so I was just "I have tried talking to you." And she was like "Fine, don't tell me anything." Then she hung up, but I didn't know that so I was like "I like how it's tell me everything or tell me nothing."
I'm gonna weigh myself (152.8) and then cut....


I nearly did cry when I saw 156.6. Oohh, I've been used as inspiration for fanfiction? May I know of what kind? The yogurt is nonfat too, which makes it even better. I love that awake/alive feeling I get when and after I exercise. Heck, I even love that feeling when my muscles are really sore after a really good work out. Thank you for your long comments! They give me something to reply to and when I sit down to reply to them it's like being reminded that I'm not that bad of a person and that someone out there likes me.

P.S. About 31% of my body weight is fat. About 40% is water. I felt cool seeing that. Also, looking down when you weigh yourself can affect the weight. Like I did that with my scale and looking down I was like 158.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The numbers (real ones) are in.

Take a deep, deep, DEEP breath.
You'll need it.
This whole time, I thought I was a cute little 140 something.
Got a scale today (well, my dad did).
Guess who's a disgusting 156.6?
Guess who's now in the "overweight" range?
Yep, me.
Guess who also broke their two day fast at lunch today?
Oh, but I'm going to try again tomorrow.
That's all that counts.
Yeah, I just keep telling myself that and I'll be 160 pounds with a whole bunch of "tomorrows" built up.
But I'm gonna do it this time. I am. Really.
Still don't believe me?
Well, I'll do it.
I mean, 156.6 in clothes is a lot.
Sure, you could take away two pounds from it for clothes which puts me at 154.6, but who wants to have to take off pounds to make themselves feel better?
Not. Me.
Like, I wanna be that chick that you just stop and stare at.
I wanna be the chick you hold your breath as she walks by because you're scared that if you breathe, I'll be gone.
J.P. says that she's going to help me lose weight.
Also, I saw Miss Sam Lupin's comment on my other blog mentioning how I had unhealthy foods and would stay under the calorie limit I had set for myself.
I remembered it just by reading that little part. I remember sitting in my brother's truck with either Anna or J.P., taking little nibbles of sea salt dark chocolate. Laughing. At whatever was said. The fact that I could eat chocolate and be under. Life was good.
I wish I could go back to that.
I remember saying that I was starting to worry about myself.
I'd much rather be worried about myself than fat.
I've been really tired lately, so I haven't been getting up and exercising before school.
Really, I need to do that.

I'll try to break my fast with ninety calories of apple and yogurt goodness and see if I can't eat very low calorie foods the rest of that day. It'll be Saturday, so I'll be around all of the food in the house, so it'll be tempting to just go "FOOOOOOODDDD!!! MUST BE FATCOWUGLY!!!" I hope I can manage not to. I love lifting weights. At first I thought I would die because of waking up that early (around 5:45 instead of 6:45 like I used to) but the exercise actually helps wake me up. I love running so much. Probably more than I should. Even if I'm just running in place, I feel more free than just standing around. Also, bravo on running half of your "walk". Haha.

Alright everyone, goodnight!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

“Why?” is the wrong question.

I tell J.P. that I'm tired of eating at least once a week. I try to eat normal and just get so tired of it.
This time, she told me to take a break for a couple of days.
A two day fast?
That'd be the longest I've ever done.
Would I be too tempted to continue to three, four, five days?
She says only two days at a time.
Does that mean don't eat two, eat one, don't eat two, eat one, restrictions?
I haven't done the WiiFit yet today, but I did do weight lifting.
Almost forty minutes of weightlifting.
And when I'm not lifting, I stretch.
May I let you in on a secret?
It is worth the strange looks.
It is worth it to be the only person stretching in a weight room.
See, we're in groups.
Two to three people per group.
I'm in a three person group.
There's a lot of time that I'm not lifting weights. Especially when S.C. (girl in my weightlifting PE and one of J.P.'s iffy friends) decides she's going to spend most of the class complaining about an exercise rather than doing it and getting it over with.
I'm the opposite.
I don't complain.
I just do it and push myself until I can't lift the weight again, until my arms have that strange weightlessness to them that later screams I pushed myself way too far again.
Oddly enough, my thighs and calves never do that when I run anymore.
Which should mean that I run a lot, am great at it, all that stuff. I don't run a lot. Not until I think I'm fat and need to lose weight.
Oh, my hip bones stuck out really early into my weight loss last time I lost a lot of weight.
I found that it's probably because I did the Hula Hooping on the WiiFit.
You use those muscles in that area.
When I lost weight last time, my arms were still really flabby because the only way I knew to work them was push ups. I'm bad at push ups and they hurt my arms a lot.
I'm kinda scared to start restricting a lot again.
Because it consumes me.
Every thought becomes some how related to the addiction of not eating.
Even my writing some how became related to it.
I love writing, and know that to be a good author my character's one problem can't be the main cause if I want multiple, strong characters.
J.P.'s going through her guilt mood again.
She says it's because she hurt me sooo badly and I can still look her in the eyes and say that I love her.
I keep telling her that at the time, it was a big thing.
Now it's just "whatever".
There's still some hurt, but not with her.
It's more with J.R. who never really said sorry for all the crap he did and now I'm really paranoid around him and see the worst motives for the things he does.
He compliments something I do, I believe he's being sarcastic.
Being in a class with his sister and him is almost terrifying, even if I love the class and have friends.
All the time I sit there in the class thinking how conforming they all are.
Someone says an opinion, J.R.'s sister says something, the first person changes their opinion to match hers.
Well, I need to study for a test, use my wiifit, and get a shower.
Preferably before 11:30.

I'm going to lifting five days a week (for most weeks) until May 17ish. Then I probably won't until about August something. So, I hope that my arms stay smallish throughout the summer. Though knowing my luck, it won't happen. Also, I can run for what feels like forever if I can breathe through my nose, out my mouth. It's even better when people don't talk to me while I'm running. I will never understand my mother's desire to talk to me while I'm pushing myself to run. Although, I (think I) run slowly. In ten minutes, I run about 1.2 almost 1.3 miles. I'm very proud of myself, though, because I can run a mile in about eight minutes and not want to die (something I couldn't do in about eleven minutes during middle school). Sorry that I didn't write anymore yesterday. I really didn't feel as though I had time to.
Have a lovely day/evening/night/afternoon.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Diet and Exercise

I want to be thin.
I want to blog everyday.
Why is both so hard to even attempt to do when J.P. is around?
I don't want her to know about my blog, my feelings.
We used the wii today, but I'm not thinking I wanna be done.
She did thirty minutes of stair stepping (yes, on the wii), and is now taking a nap.
I wanna do running.
For ten to twenty minutes.
Because I'm just a beast like that.
I also have homework to do.
School tomorrow.
Maybe, though, I'll go take a nap with J.P.
My arms are getting thinner because of weight lifting.
I'm so happy about it.
More later?
Yes, I think so.

Monday, January 9, 2012

I've got more on my mind than I have got on my plate

Today was ok.
Lunch was about 300, breakfast 200.
We had our first day of actually lifting weights.
The chick in my group was all, "Let's use really light weights because I'm a fatty who doesn't really wanna lose weight!!~~~"
J.P. was gone today because she was sick.
The pizza had meat in it.
I was too lazy to peal my orange.
My HUGE cup was too big for the coffee maker (comeon!! D:), so I had to use a slightly smaller one.
Now...she tells me she's going to live with her dad.
It's not that far away, only about thirty minutes.
I'd really much prefer her to live with someone who didn't leave their alcohol laying around.
Though, I'd much, much prefer her to live with her dad because she lives in fear of her mom.
Honest, more than anything, I'd much rather her live at my house.
Buuttt, with her out of town and hardly seeing me, I can lose weight quicker.
So that's a plus.
I'm very conflicted.
Also, Mom wants me to go through my old clothes and get rid of some.
One of her questions was, "Do you plan on getting that small again?"
I nearly cried.
Knowing I'm not that small.
All my hard work, a years worth of work (even if it was about 30 pounds), ruined in just a few months.
I want a tattoo like that. Simple, yet cute.
Also, last night my mom tore apart my room for my learner's permit (so I can learn how to DRIVE!! VROOOMMMMM~!) and now, I have space!~
Space to EXERCISE!
Don't ask, I got really energetic there.

Lottie X: I was going to post a picture, but (because my luck is horrible) I don't have the batteries that go with my camera and the charger refuses to charge the batteries I do have. Still, I'll try to post a picture soon.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Pink and Red

I have pink and red hair now. It's like around the top is pink and then it's red under that because they didn't have enough pink to do my whole head.
I didn't eat until about two today.
And was by nine.
Then I had a baked potato (about 288), wild berry tea (260), some candy (285), and gatorade (60). Which gives me an icky total of 839.
Better than yesterday.

Lottie X: I really wish my legs were tiny. It's so hard to keep thinking about what will be rather than what is. But we'll get there! ^^

Alice: I'm sure I can lose the weight if I just keep with it. Keeping with it will be the hard. As soon as I think I'm pretty, I give up.

Alright, I'm going to go outside and paint my nails because it's nice out. Have a lovely day everyone.

Friday, January 6, 2012

"Some Days Are Better Than Others"

Today I told Therapist #3 about how I'm trying to eat better, how that leads to counting calories, which leads to worrying when I get near 1000 calories.
Then I said that some days are better than others.
Really, it depends.
Not on how good or bad I feel.
No, it really depends on who I'm around, how much J.P. makes me feel like I should be eating, and how impulsive I'm feeling.
It doesn't bother me that I lied to her.
I had to courage to tell her.
She smiled at me, she's a nice lady, told me to not think about calories, but how good it is for my body.
I smiled back, said I'd try.
I really won't.
I wanna start ABC.
Or 24680
I need to exercise more.
I want to weigh myself.
The Wii says I'm about 149.
Be right back, I'll tell you guys what the scale says in a second.
It says 149, but I'm subtracting about two pounds for clothes.
So 147.
With my clothes on, I want to be back to 128/127.
Yeah, back to my lowest weight.
And lower.
To be honest, I want to be 114, but I know J.P. would never let me.
She'd yell at me to eat.
Tomorrow, I'm dying my hair.
Pink with red streaks.
I don't think that I'll eat, though, for the next couple of days.
I really need to lose this weight...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Need to quit Snacking.

It's usually on super junk food (ice cream, cookies, brownies, ect...) and leaves me feeling pukey and gross.
My thighs hurt from using the WiiFit too much.
But I missed it!
I believe I am sick.
My throat burns anytime I swallow.
It felt better.
So I got ice cream...and cookies.
Now it burns again.
Coffee, hot coffee, helps though.
Which is good.
Cause coffee is safe.
J.P. was upset last night, saying that she couldn't make me happy like I made her happy.
She makes me happy.
But she can't get rid of the monsters in my head as they scream at me to quit eating so much.
She swears I'm getting better.
I think I'm just getting worse again.
Like, I hate sweating.
I don't know why, something about me sweating grosses me out.
Even though I only used to Wii for about 20 minutes last night, I was sweating.
And enjoying it.
I worked to the point my knees wanted to either lock or collapse.
They trembled as I walked around, trying to just use my muscle, hoping they didn't hurt too much.
All the same, I feel bad.
I feel really bad to say anything to J.P.
I'm used to having people tell me that I'll get better, I just need to keep eating and focusing on being healthy.
J.P. wants me to be healthy.
But she's giving up.
I can feel it.
I told her I didn't want my thighs to touch. At all.
She said "You can do it."
Not "Be Healthy" "Be Safe" "You don't need to".
"You can do it."
Has never felt so much like disappointment.
Also, I keep telling myself that one day, I'll be soooo much better than this. Yep, the starving, self-hate, wishing that I was tiny, thinking that I can only be pretty by being thin, wondering which things will keep me healthy, counting calories, worrying about what I've eaten, thinking I've done something wrong as that chocolate slimes it's way down my throat.
I keep saying that once I'm out of high school, I'll be all better.
I keep telling myself that I'll be healthy enough to have kids.
I keep saying I won't be like my dad and tell them to starve to lose weight.
At the same time, I grit my teeth when I think about being "okay" again.
I barely eat breakfast, but I eat less for lunch.
Still...I get home and pig out.
But for supper, I eat just enough to make them think I'm okay.
I mean, not like my dad's actually looking for the signs that I'm not eating.
One day, I'm going to stock up on various vitamins.
Vitamin C, Vitamin D and Calcium, Vitamin B's, whatever else I feel like I need.
I need to find the diet pills I used to have.
I know I still have them.
I quit taking them because the therapist said they may have been messing with my medication.
But now I'm not on meds.
So I want the diet pills.
Which means cleaning my room at least a little...
We have our coffee maker back from my uncle now too~
I am going to say one more thing and then quit before this post becomes too long for anyone to bother reading.
I am so insecure.
J.P. took a while to reply (because she didn't get my reply) and I thought it was because she was hanging out with someone she suddenly got a crush on.
With that, I will quit typing in this post.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Legs. My dad's been telling me that my thighs shouldn't touch when I walk.
I don't want my thighs to touch.
Look at those legs.
I just wanna be small.
Arms, legs, flat tummy.
J.P. used to tell me over and over to eat, one bite at a time.
Now, when I want to lose weight, she just...let's it go.
I know I shouldn't post twice, but here is another one.
Mainly thinspo.
I love them.
Those tiny legs.
I want them.

Yay for Mom Picking me up.

Went to J.P.'s apartment for a little while after school. About a ten-twenty minute walk there.
All I've eaten today is a small bowl of cereal (w/ milk), a LARGE coffee (light ice, nothing else, yes, thank you), a tiny amount of canned fruit cocktail, some fries (w/ketchup), a mini twix (about 80-90 calories), and three rice cakes (each about seven calories).
Okay, I started school today.
For weight lifting, the teach talked to us the whole period.
For English II, the teacher thought that Ember Snow was an interesting/cute nickname.
For Creative Design, this kid was talking about how half the school could just die and he'd be fine. We were making post cards based on our def. of respect.
I'm really glad to be home, really.
Even though I love seeing J.P. in most of my classes, I have a lot of people who I used to consider my friend that I can't stand anymore.
I will be posting my total for today on my other blogg.
I just don't like getting too into numbers on this one.

Monday, January 2, 2012

School Tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be my first day back to school. Tomorrow will be my first day of the semester. Tomorrow will be my first day of weight lifting.
I wanted to begin tomorrow with pink hair. Like bubble gum pink.
I wanted to start the semester with snake bites.
I have an appointment for the pink hair with red streaks.
The tattoo place I wanted to go to isn't open on Mondays (what?????) and I've been told that most places have an age limit. Like they won't do body piercings on anyone younger than sixteen. Something about the person growing and not being happy with it later?
I'm done growing, though.

So, since I'm excited about starting school (school=less time to snack), I'm just looking at loads of scenespo.
I'll share some of the ones I like best with you guys.
I know, I know, you know and love me best for the lack of pictures with loads of words that just consume your time with little reward, BUT I'm in love with scenespo.
I wish I was tiny.

Alright, I will leave you now.
I must get sleep and give it my 100% while exercising tomorrow!