Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I think

I won't eat tomorrow, so that I can deal with my friend moving. I feel sooo...hollow.
My friend Anna and I talked about our cutting. I also mentioned eating my eating habits. She eats weird too. It made me happy to not be alone. We were both torn up by people we care a lot about. Her (now)ex-boyfriend did to her what J.R. did to me only more...discreetly. I even told her how I used to go home and feel like I had to cut to stop a panic attack anytime J.R. got near me and then I told her that it's ok now. I didn't say it was okay because if he gives me shit again I can smirk at him and go "Yeah? I made out with your ex-girlfriend." Wouldn't that be fun?
Ok, so, no solids tomorrow. Anna is fun to talk to and that kid that makes my head stuffy may just find out that I think of him as closer to me than the people I hang out with at lunch. I think of them as fans who only want to see my happy side. He doesn't care.
Ok, it's bedtime.

Cold, lonely, and sad

Today was okay until a friend of mine said today was the last day she'd be there. She's moving about thirty minutes away. I'm really sad about it, but I couldn't cry at at school, or even look upset, because everyone expects me to be happy.
Ok, I asked that guy if I annoy him by talking to him everday at lunch. He said it's hard to annoy him. A friend of mine said that too. When I asked if he didn't like me very much, he said, "I just don't know you that well." I'm ok with that.
Now, though, I wanna be held (preferably by him) and just cry over the fact that my dad's fricking crazy and that my friend's moving. I'm so tiredd too.
Good news is that my cramps are gone. :)
I'll be ok.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I know you guys dun wanna hear about my silly crush,

but I'm insanely happy these days. I mean, we talked about EARRINGS today and it made the fact that most my friends are moving seem to not exist for a while.
Yes, I said we talk about earrings. More like ear piercings, though. He has his ear pierced 3 times. Haha, while we were talking he seemed very proud of the fact that he did the cartilage himself...with a safety pin, if I remember correctly. I told he was then the coolest dude I know. Yeah, I'm a dork. I walked over to him and while I was walking over there I was like, "You look gloomy again." He smiled and said he was just tired. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's become my goal to make him smile. He's so lovely when he smiles. I wanna walk up to him, hug him, and just breathe in the smell of cigarette smoke because, like I said before, most of my friends are moving this year. I wanna ask him if he's moving, hopefully that'll be a no. I just...wanna calm down.
Haha, sorry, I'm being ditsy lately.
I started my period today around noon. Seriously. I need to learn to carry a pad with me just in case. LUCKILY the chick behind me in choir was nice enough to give me one (and I was lucky enough for her to HAVE one) and class was about to end. Bad part? I left my coat in the choir room.
Anyway, do you gals know anything that helps with cramps? This is the first time I've gotten them and sitting seems to make them horrible.
Ok, I'm gonna go to bed. :)

Monday, March 28, 2011


Dragging myself out of bed this morning was made worth it when I got to sit by the dude I has feelings for. I told, "I like you, you're quiet." and all the while idiots were opening their mouths making idiot comments. His hand/wrist was hurt today and I can't stop worrying because he won't even tell this gal who's both our friend but is apparently like a sis to him what it's from. See, I'd be fine just sitting there next to him, me talking every once in a while, making him smile even if it's a little bit. I won't say I love him because I don't believe in love, but I like him and care about him. I like how, when he talks, he doesn't give everything away. I like how I just wanna snuggle under his arm, or in his arms. I like just sitting next to him, hoping he won't forget ne. I love hoping the bell won't ring and that he won't leave. I like feeling almost like a sane teenaged girl. I like chasing after a guy I think probably doesn't like me because I can't be his type, yet that cute smile seems to say that he likes when I'm around.
Sorry, my head's in the clouds. I can't seem to get it back down either...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dun wanna eat...

I don't wanna eat until I'm scrawny. I don't wanna eat until I feel perfect. No, I don't want to eat until I don't hurt. Today, I began missing my Peanut Butter (that seriously what I'm gonna refer to her as) and it just... hurt soo much. All those happy memoried flashing before me, the smell of her grandma's house, the safe feeling of it all. It hurt. I mean, I gave that up. For what? For J.P.? For later thoughts of being unworthy of anything better? For self-inflicted scars? For a lack of freedom?
I don't want to eat until sanity eats its way into me. But I will eat. I always do. Weakling... Tomorrow, small breakfast, try to keep lunch at a small meal, and dinner tiny. Maybe a salad... Maybe less...I don't wanna eat.
Have I said that?
Yeah, I guess I have...
Maybe I should go to bed now? So no one else is bummed out.
Haha, this chick sent me a facebook IM asking if I was depressed! I'm not depressed, just upset. Apparently I seem it when she sees me at school. Haha, whatever. I'm happy at school.
Alright, I'm gonna go, dearss.

Friday, March 25, 2011


I'm pretty sure I've made it known to you guys that I've got a crush. Well, it was snowing here today and it was that PERFECT snow for snowballs. We got into a snowball fight. That is AFTER I asked if I could put my hands in his jacket pockets. It was actually a funny conversation that went different than I thought. Thenn~ before lunch ended (poo) he tossed this dinky snowball at me while I stood there pouting (trust me, I enjoyed it). For pay back I flung snow at him. Gosh, I wanted to hug him (partly because he had the warmest jacket/coat out there). He's got this smile that is just...beautiful. I swear, I'd do almost anything for him to smile (that's why I took a snowball). It was fun. That's why I love lunch. I live for my afternoons because lunch and the four classes after it are the best and I have at least one good friend in them.
Ok, bedtime. Because I was dead today other than that (did I mention I'm still happy about it???). Goodnight.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Happy, happy, happy

I'm so happy. I've that little indent between ribs showing when I stand correctly. It makes me sooo happy because supper was basically a small binge! Then I took a nap around seven, my fat little brother tried to sit on me ("Well sorry! I couldn't see you!" Yeah, well, maybe if you had had your classes on...), and so I waited a few minutes, came to my room, slep on and off until 10:30, went and got and shower, and noticed in the mirror that ittle bittle indent, a rememinder of what I work for.
Oh, the other day L.G. and I were talking about our cuts and how easily I scar and how she has, like, zero scars. For some reason, that made me just now remember how J.P. said that her skin had NEVER scarred after she cut except for that one, the night that she broke up with J.R.. Now I'm wondering how I was so selfishly blind and didn't realize that it didn't matter if it did or not, she was basically telling me she wanted him. Then she shouldn't have broken up with him.
Okay, I'm going to bed now that my tummy is officially growling at me. Well, maybe I'll do me some tummy work outs and then go to bed.

The more I think about it...

The more I don't want to be "healthy". I wanna stay here, losing weight, being fine with the world. Tomorrow, I'll be back to me. I'll be better, you know? Back on course to being lovely. I'll only eat lunch after the fast tomorrow and then, when my lunch money runs out, I won't eat until I need to (which would probably be supper most nights).
Today, I slaughtered the fasting I was supposed to be doing. SLAUGHTERED it. Ate LOTS of icky pretzels covered in something. Today...I was insanely a bad girl. Humph. It makes me quite cranky!
Alright, Mommy's gonna be home soon. Toodles.


I wanna go back to bed. So far I've had 18 of the 200 I've allowed. Bleh. Hopefully I can survive school and the dramatic change in weather. My brother's hoodie smells of cigarette smoke becausee I wore it to a friends house and her mom and stepdad both smoke. I should get a lunch today, play with everything that has lots of calories, eat the fruit (if it isn't the canned kind), and if anyone asks I'll say I don't feel well (they're gonna start thinking I'm never feeling well). Sooo sleepy...and this cold weather isn't helping.
Ok...Remember when I could ramble on about nothing? Now I don't have anything to say. It's strange. I mean, there's a lot I could say, but I can't remember anything. That's why J.P. didn't like me. She thought I'd say sorry and then go back and do it again. Probably true. Looking back, it almost seems like she was always ranting at me because I messed up, somehow, again. No wonder I feel freed.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Almost done with today.

I just got REALLY hungry all of a sudden. I'm hoping that some almond milk will help. So...I feel kinda like a bad kid because I had 170 calories, but it's from this almond milk and a thing of juice I had earlier. And I've probably used more than that in all the exercise I've done. I ran .625 of a mile and then walked for maybe twenty minutes. That's not counting all the crunches and things I did and that little dance video I did this morning. I think I've earned those 170 calories because they're healthy and I've done so much.
Also, Rachael, I doubt my dad would drop it. I think he brings it up because he knows it bothers me.
So... I still have homework to do and I wanna do a little exercising before I go to bed, so I guess I'll end this postie here.


But I'm gonna do this. Gonna jog over to the Casey's and get water. Lots of it. Then walk to the park. Fun? Sounds like it. Actually, I'm gonna walk instead.
Dad seems to be obsessed with J.P. and I just wanna forget her. Part of my "be healthier and happier" plan. Everytime I get into the van "So, we still don't like her?" Fuck off, I'm wasting my time on things that have to do with her. And then he says that we should tell her that her butt's getting big. Uhm, I'm not five or as low as J.R. who used my cutting against me. J.P. has/had an eating disorder. I'm not screwing with that mind set. Seriously, just because you're a jerk doesn't mean I have to be.
I'm sorry, I'm a chirpy-quick-to-get-ticked mood. Always am when I'm hungry. Luckily I quit getting clammy when I'm hungry.
Alright, so far I'm good. I'll post... tonight I guess.

Start of Day 1

Phew, just got done exercising. I looked up videos (like, work out ones) for dancing. In nearly nine minutes of doing it I'm all sweaty! Now think, I get to go to school, wait an hour, and then have PE. And today's one of the fitness days where they REALLY work us. Woow! Haha. Oh, I also worked out my stummy this morning. I was lazing about in my bed and was like "Hum, let's get some ab work outs." So, yeah. I did about 80 crunches all together. Very fun.
I've decided that it's nice enough to ditch the full length jeans. I'm going to school in a Fall Out Boy T-shirt and jean shorts that come just above my knee. It's a rather comfy outfit. I feel very cute, but we all know that it's not really true. I've got a fat butt (WHICH I worked while dancing!) and these short show it off just a smidge. But I can't help but be excited because they're almost-baggy-just-comfy size 5 shorts. It was fun when I went shopping yesterday, to go in knowing that almost all of the 5's would fit. One of the best feelings I've had in ages.
Okay, I'm starved, and need to brush my teeth, but, as gross as this is, I don't think I'm gonna get to brush them and I'm DEFINITELY not going to break this fast. I need to tell my older brother it's time to get gone.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

3 days to Fast

I know, I said I was gonna be healthy. It can wait three days. So to you who are gonna complain about me not keeping my word, backspace right now because here's my reply: Fuck. You. My life, my choice, you have no say. How I eat is how I eat and I'm set to do this.
Tomorrow, I'll probably start the day with PART of this energy drink. Then, Dad will get me another one at the end of the school day which I'll make last until the next day. See? I'm gonna get through this hyped up off low calorie (20 per can) energy drinks. I don't care if it's cheating. Considering I'm out of gum, it might be the only thing with flavor I have for three days. Well, other than water with its weird water flavor.
The more I think about it, the more the memory of how cig smoke smells comes to me. The more I wanna cry because I miss being at Grammy's and listening to the adults talk. The more I just wanna light up a cig and let it burn. Just for the smell. Like, I wanna start crying because I miss it soo much. I want a boyfriend who smokes just so when we hug, I inhale that smell and feel at peace. Grammy's was the only place where even though I felt a little awkward there, I felt at home and loved while J.P. and J.R. were together. My actual home held too many memories filled with J.P. (she even asked him out, over Myspace, at my house), so it couldn't feel like home. Not then, at least. At Grammy's, though, I have memories of things. Like my daddy smoking even though he never did at our house, my cousin watching Coraline on his laptop, Grammy telling us that she had taken away that laptop because he was failing classes, it's many things happened and I've forgotten most of them and yet... I still feel homely there.
Sorry, that's my speal about...what was it? Cigarette smoke? Yeahh... Since I'm in such a weird mood today, here's some bad poetry (don't say otherwise, I know it's bad).
I'm sick of
kneeling on this floor,
allowing you to smash heels into my head,
forcing my face into the shattered glass,
my regrets,
and making me say sorry
for things I didn't do.

If you didn't torture me
I did,
denying myself food,
digging a razor into
this pale flesh,
staying up late crying.

But, even if you can't see,
I'm back
with a FUCK YOU
because being told by my
EX-girlfriend who dumped me for a chance with her
Wiccan EX-boyfriend
that I needed to get closer to God
didn't make any sense.

It's my life,
my way to live it,
so Fuck you,
here's to me.

Wow, that's my whole story basically summed up. I'm sick of saying sorry. I've said sorry for ever. Sorry for things I didn't do, things I did ages ago that no one can let co, things I didn't do. I'm only saying sorry when I realize that I've done something wrong, other than that whoever wants an apology can get over it. I am me, I will do what I want, I will be happy with myself or set out to change what I am unhappy with. No, I don't expect it be easy or glamorous. I don't expect myself to not fall. I will, many many times. But if I get up again, it really does not matter how much I fall. Like Rachael said, the world can't touch me.
Now, I'm gonna go work my stummy out and then go to bed.


I believe that to be loghved, truly loved, you have to love yourself first. Unless, of course, your me. Then I believe that love has forgotten you, bleeding on the floor begging for its attention.
Today, I realized that I hate myself. I realized that I have a modified version of the same disorder J.P. had. I realized that I was feeding it in July in hoped that I would get sick and she would pay attention to me. Now, I want a connection with her. No...Now, I want wings and to fly.
Now, I wanna be free. I wanna try to be better, more healthy. I know this will always cling to me. I'll slip and barely notice, like I did when I was younger.
I'm not leaving, but I'm sorry to my followers who want to hear about another person starving so you know you're not alone. If this is the life you want, you have my full support. I know what it's like to be here and I hope you guys will be as supportive as you were before in the future and if I decide to starve this weight off again.
I am planning a six day long fast starting the Sunday before Easter and ending the day of Easter.
Lottie, I think most people hate the smell of cigarettes, but I grew up with it and my favorite cousin smoked. The smell makes me think of long, lazy days at my Grammy's house with my parents and cousins. It reminds me of controlled insanity. That's why I love it.
Alright! This is where I shall this post.

I hate my dad sometimes

Like today. Brought up J.P. and said that I should be, like, obsessed with crushing her. I'm not. Hopefully I never will be. Just because she's sickeningly low doesn't mean I have to be.
Ok! I'm gonna be doing sit-ups from now on. In the morning I'll do 40ish and in the evenings, I'll do 90ish. Because I'm tired of my flabtastic tummy.
Ok...soo... The people I hung around today during lunch...almost made me wanna start smoking. But!! I'm a big girl with her own morals and it dun matter that the thought of a faster metabolism makes my mouth water. Even though my current crush does. I won't. Promise (at least for now). I mean, I'll weigh the pros and cons for ever and I just wanna have fun. I'm probably just making you guys worry. I'm sorry!!
I'm going shopping with my mommy, though. Byes.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Alright, beddie time.

Well, first 30 sit-ups and then bedtime. Thanks you, Zette, for making me realize I need to WORK to get rid of this flabby tummy. It's not just gonna fall off (though that would be neat!). I'll keep working toward being a better me!
So, I'm super pumped. Rachael made me all I'm-gonna-be-me-and-take-on-this-fuckin-world. I'm just happy and excited for tomorrow so I can go back to keep LOW calorie counts and I just feel... almost lovely. I'm thinking about going to school wearing a size 3 and who cares if they're a little tight? I don't! I'm just happy I can wear them! Honestly, I feel insane tonight. Like I could announce to all of the people at my school that, yes, I do in fact feel attracted to both genders! I'm gonna come crashing down soon, this never lasts, but right now, I just feel...up.
So, let's start new, ok? We'll all be lovely by time the journey we're on ends, no matter where it ends. So, I'm for looking forward, not backwards. Seeing today and tomorrow, not the past. I'm for falling down and getting back up, even if you need help. I'm for ignoring that you had a 3000 calorie day the next morning. I'm more for taking that and making it so you restrict today because you faltered then. Let's not get hung up on things anymore! Let's spread our wings and learn how to fly!
For those of you who don't know, I'm on a long, painful journey to forgive an ex-friend. Only, half the time I think it's more to learn how to forgive myself. I'm a child and I'm not scared to say that. What I am scared of is what he said to me being true. I'll always forget that I am loved very much and so RIGHT NOW I can't forgive him. J.R. probably finds a satisfaction in knowing that he has that control on me, in knowing that I'm scared of him. You know what, though? I'm done letting cuts go up and down my arms because one kid told me that the world was better off without me and that I'd never be loved or cared for. I'm just done letting one kid hold me paralyzed. I'm ready to walk up to him and go, "Dude, we share an ex." Only I don't because I don't even want to feel that pleasure from taunting him. This one kid messed up my fragile little world, and yet I'm hoping I can forgive that because when I forgive it, I'll be able to move on ward. When I'm able to forgive him, I'll be more lovely because forgiveness is a lovely trait to obtain.
Oh, hi, Danii! I almost got the 35 calorie one, but I wanted to get the tastier one, so that I could convince myself that it was the BEST THING EVERRR!! And I wasn't simply smiling when I typed that. I was freaking BEAMING with joy. Like, laser beams of joy SHOT out of me. Kidding, kidding, but that would've been cool.
Alright, it's bedtime...after those crunches. Gotta keep reminding myself or my lazy brain will forget.

Size 3?

My fat butt can squeeze into a size 3 jeans and it be...almost comfortable. It looks eww, though because of my fat tummy hanging over it. I almost don't care because I can get them up, zipped, and move around (and breathe!). I used to be a size 9! I'm sooo happy. I don't know where these jeans squeeze my thigh-fat to, but it can't even be seen! I feel tiny. Or like I was huge. Also, unless we have something greasy and gross, I'm gonna have dinner tonight and then tomorrow will be a small bowl of cecreal with a small splash of almondmilk and a small "meal" for dinner (probably a salad, no dressing)...maybe not that...
I feel awesome.

Okay day today.

Lunch was probably 190. And then I had a fat thing after school which was aboutt 260. And then, to be even fatter, I ate candy when I got home which was about 168. Yeahh. No dinner tonight. It's 618 or something. Trying to be better than yesterday. Hungry. I like it. Soo, I think I'm gonna try to whip myself into shape. Completely. No more tomorrows, laters, or anything like it.
You guys are awesome, all seventeen now. I wanna be good enough for you. AND for myself, of course. Even if later I realize that "good enough" means getting better. You're all lovely and I wanna be lovely. Thank you all for giving my motivation by just...existing.
Lottie, I'll try to be careful and take care of myself a little more.
OKAY! I'm gonna go for a walk then watch some Skins. Sounds like a funn weekend. Then, when the wii is free I'll use the wiifit. Burn lots of calories. Toodles.


My mom woke me up this morning and I got up and then laid back down, just to cuddle with my blankets for a little bit, and then I check my phone and it went from being 6:50 to 7:16. Not fun. So, I rushed to get ready, skipped breakfast (that's a no-no, it supposedly helps your metabolism), and am still tired. But...when I went to the bathroom (I swear, I wouldn't tell you about this unless something cool happened) my head started hurting really bad and my vision got all black. I remember when that first happened; I panicked soooo much. Now I don't care. I've got things to do. You know, I still wanna be in bed. It's so cozy and snuggley and warrmmm (probably because I sleep with three blankets). Also, I need to hop on the wiifit after school...
Ok, toodles! Good morning, though!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Hey, J.R.,

first off, I wanna say that I know you don't think anything of me. I know that when you see me, hatred fills you. I know that you try to avoid me at school because if you don't, you'll ruin your act. You wouldn't want them, the people who "matter" to know you're a complete jerk, would you?
That being said, thanks for fucking my mental state up back in October. Thanks for retriggering thoughts I had almost let go of. Thanks a lot for breaking me mentally so I went back to wanting to deny myself food and so I started cutting more. I had almost quit before you did that. Why would I thank you? Because now I'll look better than I did before it happened and I have AMAZING people who are supporting me. People who are better friends than you ever were (really, who tells their friend that they should kill themself because the world is better off without them?). So, thanks.
P.S., I made out with your ex-girlfriend while you were still obsessing over her. =3

Dear, J.P.,
I love you. I was there when you were going through hell. You're a brat, but I still loved you. You were my best friend, so I expected you to be there when the times got rough. Instead, you left. Slammed the figurative door in my face and told me you were just sick of me being overly controlling and dramatic. I helped you with your eating disorder and cutting when we were in junior high. We're freshman now and I have some of those problems. Only differences are mine isn't from my mom calling me fat once, mine is a complete terror of eating, and you don't want to deal with it. It's always so much easier to deny that you had any part in this. You controlled, in some way, six years of my life. Six years I'll never, ever get back. Then you tossed me to the side, a broken toy with no use to you.
Hey, maybe someone will pick me up only to them I will be something more than a toy.
Fuck You, Here's to Me,
P.S. I wake up every morning and laugh because you and L.S. are fighting over J.R. which is so ironic that it sometimes doesn't even make sense to me why life would do that.

Going to bed soon

You know, it's better, having someone I know I can talk to. It's quite lovely. I love being able to text Rachael. Okay, enough about how AWESOME it was, onto the lovely stuff you guys actually want to know about.
For most of the day, my calorie count was 209. It's quite the lovely number. Then we got french toast and it's one of the few foods I can eat without nearly freaking out. So, with butter and syrup and two slices of french toast, my total is about 940. I feel fat, like seriously. Most of you would've been exercising at least part of that off. I'll be doing about 60 sit-ups and then probably just going "Darn." and going to bed. Because I'm a wuss who hates exercising. Luckily, tomorrow is a fitness day in PE where they try to slaughter those who are out of shape (me) or making them into a laughing stock because Haha, look at how out of shape you are! High school is gonna kill me one day.
So, I have those metallic sharpies that make it so that you can write on black/dark surfaces. After doodling on my keyboard, I wrote Hi on the back of it. I wonder if anyone in my family will see it and comment. Haha. I'm so out of everything tonight. Like, I'm happy, but I'm also upset over eating so much. Also, I'm gonna make a post after this one that no one should feel required to read. It'll just be me venting/laughing in people's faces.

AHHH! Did almost half an hour's worth of exercise on the wiifit (Burned only 89 calories :( ) before I told myself it was bedtime.Apparently the Wiifit is either lying about my BMI or my weight. Probably about the weight because it doesn't actually show the weight, just puts it on a kinda scale thing. It says I have a BMI of 22.36 which would mean I weigh 138.52. Correct me if I'm wrong; I did use an internet calculator. Neat. That means I'm about two pounds away from where I was when I started feeling super dizzy and crap around Christmas. It's not even close to underweight. I'm so excited. Oh, also, I have another goal. Assuming I make loads of mistakes, I want to be 99 pounds (BMI of about 16/15.9). Obviously the closer I get to that weight, the less I'll go see the doctors. I wanna be there by my junior year in high school. Let's all hope I'm there before especially considering I wanna be 114 when I start school (really need to kick it into high gear for that one) and in the 120s before swimming season (need to kick it into HIGHER gear for that).
Okay, loads of love for you guys.

Where are all these followers coming from?

It's like almost every other time I get on, there's another one!
Ok, so, we are going shopping. Hopefully I find something I deem cute enough. Something I feel like I can go to school and dance around in. Something beautiful. I want something like that. Something that flutters a little in the wind. Like I told my mom "I wanna find a dress that when you compare them to the girls with the really short shorts -gesturing to croch area- it looks a little more classy." I've got flabby legs, buttt I don't want to start wearing cute dresses when I'm skinny and have everyone freak out. I wanna start now when I'm not as good looking as I could be.

My outfit feels pretty creative. The skirt I've got on is navy blue and my shirt's black and looks like a small mammal nibbled at it and it was repaired each time and it has a heart made of chain on the left side and in the back it has fake buttons that are heart shaped and I have a silky pink cami on under it and it has lace on the bottom and the lace shows at bottom of the shirt and I'm wearing these cute flats. It's cute, cute, cute.
Rachael, I can't wait for you or for me to be able to strut around in pretty, beautiful dresses and look as better than anything. And I'll probably go for a walk when we get home if it's not too late because it's beautiful out. Almost seventy with clear skies. Beautiful. And feel free to text me as much as you want, even if it's near stalkerish. J.P. and I used text all time, only stopping to sleep or for school. So I'm used to it. :)

Sipping on Almondmilk.

My day's pretty chill so far (considering I just woke up). Half a serving of almondmilk (45 calories). Now I'm looking at dresses and I'm getting excited for summer and warm weather when I can go to school in cute, flowy, fluttery, lovely clothes. When I can show everyone that spring doesn't mean short, slutty looking shorts. That just because the air's warmed up, doesn't mean that when you sit down your butt shouldn't actually touch the seat.
I'm thinking of going for a walk here in a minute. Just to keep myself moving. To be honest, I think I'm only...sometimes scared of eating. If that makes ANY sense at all. I'm glad that you guys are similar in this! Haha, well, not really, but it's a "phew, I'm not alone" type thing.
Lottie, Rachael, I just hope I'm lucky enough to go shopping for the cute dress.
Actually, I'm gonna go pester my mommy about it now! Then go for a walk if she says no. Alright, bye! Loves you guys! All fifteen of you, even if you don't comment all the time.
P.S. Rachael, you can text me whenever you wanna, also. :)

Dang it, Zette.

As much as I love getting awards and things, they also freak me out. I mean, what if I say something wrong? Gosh...
Okay, here we go.

Seven things:
1. Just tonight I told two of my friends I am bisexual and it scared me to do so.
2. I love, love, LOVE V-8.
3. The dude I have a crush on is my opposite to everyone at our school (He's quite attractive, in my eyes, though)
4. I'm terrified that when I change schools, all my friends at the school I'm currently at will forget me.
5. I write as a way to past time. Stories, bad poetry, in my journal, anything to keep my hands moving.
6. I think my therapist is full of shit when she tells me I have troubles coping. No, I know how to cope without cutting; I just like to see my skin ripped open.
7. LAST ONE, WOO! I love my family and friends and you guys. I think I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. Then again, haha, I probably won't be this bad without a few of my ex-friends!

Okayy, so I guess I've got to give this to a "newly discovered blogger". I'm not sure what that means, but I honestly thinks I'm gonna have to pick Rachael and Lottie because they both have lovely blogs. Even though I don't have Madam Lottie's on the ones I follow, I mean to because it's so...nice. Rachael goes through these amazing changes in moods. Sometimes she'll be too lovely to be real and other times, as though to remind us that she too is completely human, she'll be a jerk. I love it, really. It's not like those who just show one side of themselves.

Okay, now time for a "real" post before bed.
I'm pretty sure I ate more than I should've today. Maybe I shouldn't eat any tomorrow... Like I said, eating scares me, so not eating is always my first option. I hate Easter as much as I love it. I love the whole "Easter Bunny" thing because they sell some of the cutest things involving it and I love coloring eggs. It's all the candy that bothers me. I got a lot of gum today, but it's the 10 calorie kind. I know, almost unheard of, but it was cheaper and Mom had me on a spending limit.
Wow, I just realized that I've said that twice now and didn't know that it did until I said it. Eating scares me. When did that start? I know it did over the summer, but that was because I wanted to be PERFECT for J.P. who I thought I was losing. She was tiny once. I remember her saying she was 90 pounds at five foot three, giving her a BMI of 15.9., eating scares me. I mean, I do it like it's nothing, scares me. I'm just in shock. Sorry, I should say something more intelligent, but I just..can't. I mean, I've had dudes ask me out and it didn't startle me this much (my best guy friend did tonight). Okay, I'll try to process it when I get enough sleep.
So, my best dude friend suggested that we should date because he likes me. He's not the dude I have a crush on, but he's still really cute and fun. I told him to let me think about it because I don't want to find out I have a chance with the guy I've got a crush on only to be tied down by the fact that I'm dating this other dude, YET I wanna because he lives in the town NEXT to mine, so I wouldn't be home as much and I could make excuses and not eat as much and maybe have some fun. But I don't want to date right now. I mean, not really...or maybe just not him? UGH, I'm so dang confused!
Okay, I'm gonna ask my mommy if we can go shopping tomorrow because I wanna see if I can find any cute dresses to celebrate spring in. I've lost thirty pounds since July (I know, I'm still fat and should've lost more considering I started overweight), so maybe I'll actually look good in those cute, like, sundresses. I'm gonna go ask her and then go to bed! Goodnight, everyone (Hi there, to my new little follower! thanks for calling my blog cute. :) ).

Saturday, March 19, 2011

colder than I thought it was.

It was cold on my walk so I came back early because I had to potty. I'm still trying to get through episode two of Skins. Cassie shows Sid how she gets away with not eating. Cutting and stabbing the food and continually talking, asking questions, just overloading the person so they evetually can't remember if any of the food actually went into her mouth. It She was all over the place. I know she didn't eat any of it, but I almost believed that she did. Maybe I'll try that myself, but I get scared around food. Food scares me. I'm scared that if I start eating, I won't be able to stop even though I've proven to myself that I can stop eating whenever I want. Still, food scares me. I don't like being home because home=eating and eating=not able to quit eating and that=FAT. See? Food scares me and I can go on about how it scares me, but you guys already KNOW how it feels to be scared of something that "gives life". So, I won't go on about it anymore.
You know, I have hiding not eating pretty easy. Which makes me wish I had friends who called me up and asked if I could hang out. I wish I had friends that I had to hide it from. If I only eat lunch twice a week, my current friends are happy. I can trick them soooo easily. It's like... My pain is sooo easily hidden. I want a challenge...Or maybe I just want someone who cares instead of someone who just wants to have fun. I mean, I wanna have fun too, but when I don't even get a lunch, I want someone to ask. When I say I don't feel good multiple times a week, I want someone to ask what's wrong. Honestly, I just wanna feel real and cared about for once.
Thanks for your number, Rachael, but you'll probably get text messages at weird times of the day. Like, while I'm at school. Or in the middle of the night. When I'm freaking out about how utterly crazy I feel. Because I don't have friends who understand how it feels to want to rip your skin open because it's there. And they don't get how it feels to feel fat and ugly because you ATE that day. Oh and if you go on enough walks, all those calories will build up and you will lose weight from it! It also keeps you away from food and if anyone asks if you want food, tell them you grabbed something while you were out. Well, unless there isn't anywhere at all to get anything to eat.

Today is just....lovely, honestly.

I feel at least semi-happy, my tummy hurts like a bitch, and I'm just...fine with it all. I plan on going on a walk soon (just got back from shopping), but since it's Saturday and I have lots of free-time, I'll probably pester you guys with posts. But isn't that my job? I'm watching the second episode of the Brittish version of Skins...I'm just starting it and find it weird that Cassie keeps getting messages to eat. And she's lovely. She makes me want to grow my hair out really long like it used to be. It's so ugly short. I'm bleaching my hair to a pale blond with pink streaks before school starts. I've had this planned for a while, but seeing someone so pretty, even if she's a character in a show, makes me want to be equally pretty and I believe that this will be shocking and pretty (my goals in life to be other than skinny).
So, Rachael, I'm still totally...shocked by Cassie (I'm watching the second episode which is about her). But the more I watch, the more I realize that she's totally relateable. Her fashion is something I would wear, she has small panic attacks that I've had too. All of her make-up except her lipstick is always messy. She's amazing and I get why she's so loved. Haha, I kinda wanna give you my phone number so we can talk whenever, but I'm scared you'll become someone I look forward to talking to and I'll get into trouble for texting during class. I'm just odd like that.
Lottie, I'm glad I gave you a new idea! :) It's my goal to inspire.
To both of you, I did have a GREAT time shopping. I got a few things that I'll probably never use. Also, I got some post-it notes and I think I'll use them to post things around my room. Words that inspire me (in other languages, though). Also, it's nice to know I'm not alone is my cold body parts.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go out for a walk and play in the park and just enjoy that BEAUTIFUL weather we're having (meaning swimming is soon). Oh, another decision I've made is that I'm not weighing myself for a long time. Maybe not until the pool opens. Yes. That would be nice. Lovely, even. Okay, I'm leaving now.

I'm always cold.

Rachael, I'm watching both. Even though I've only seen, like, one and a half episodes of the Brittish one, I get why you guys love Cassie. She's so out there, yet real. It's obvious that she's got an eating disorder ("No, you don't eat them, just...arrange them.") But she scares me. Probably because I see myself in her. And thank you, I'll try to not cut and be a little nicer to myself.
I've decided that I'm not gonna try to obsess about calories(though I do when I say that). I'm gonna eat very little (or not at all). I'm gonna quite wearing my size nine skinny jeans that are too big (or at least, quit pretending it's such a big deal). If I obsess about calories I'll eat more and more of them and then I'll feel like crap about eating so much.
Mom's talking to me about college. Because my dad wants to follow me when I leave. My mom doesn't want him to because she wants me to be a college kid. And I don't want them to because I wanna be alive. Though I don't know where I even wanna go.
Ok, my hands are always, always cold. Except when I put them near heat. Then they're warm for a little while. But then they get cold. They're even colder if I cut my arms/wrist/ect.. It's not unexpected, though.
I love all of my followers. Have I said that? You guys mean a lot to me. Even when my family is going crazy, you guys make me Thanks.
Alright, shoppin time! Haha.

Friday, March 18, 2011


I started watching it today and it's addicting. One of the things that got me hooked is everyone, everyone!, has ribs showing. The characters are addicting and cutee, also. Like I feel legitly bad for them when it's a sad moment. Poor Stanley. Everything seems to be goin bad. I wanna start bawling for him. But I mean all of them have their beautiful ribs showing. I've never seen mine. I'm just hoping for my hipbones to show. HAHA, I guess you could say it's my thinspo. They're almost alive. And it's beautiful. do you end up under the bed?! Haha, This kid's amazing. Sorry, I don't get into many shows and when I do, I get way into them. I'll watch in silence now. Haha.
Oh, I did some exercisee and the more I did, the less I wanted to stop. The less I wanted to just work until I passed out and they found me on the floor. It sounds weird, but that's what I wanted. Now I'm all chilled out again, so it sounds unpleasing, but it was cool when I did.
All the shows about pregnancy make me realize...I'd be scared to be pregnant. My stomach swelling up, huge. Having to eat because it's for more than just myself and I don't want to hurt anyone other than myself. Then...the pain of having the child. It scares me, but I want to have children. Heck it terrifies me, freezes me, makes me wish I wasn't female sometimes, but I want kids. Twins, but just one would be beautiful too. Though, I don't want something that needs me. I can barely take care of myself. My hunger naws at me. A razor cuts me. In the end if these things happen, I hate myself. If they don't, I hate myself more.
Ok, I'm gonna get off. Listen to music, watch TV, go to bed...Not eat. Things like that.


Thanks for all sweet comments! zette, I play with my barely-there-collarbones when I'm bored.
Another "aww" I have is that I think I've got a crush...on a kid I've only talked to a few times. He gives me butterflies in my tummy anddd has crept into my dreams twice. The last time I woke up feeling gloomy because I couldn't call him up and ask for a hug. It's because I'm a dork.
NO aww is that I had a super FAT day. A really fat, fat day. UGGH! Even with all the lovely words saying I'll my pretty bones back. Not if I keep eating like I'm fat. I can tell myself it's all just raising my metabolism but no. It's because I'm weak. It's because I cannot say no. Fatness.
Tomorrow I will be better. I will eat only a little. I'll be happily starved.
Nonono, let's start before then. Finish the day off with liquids. Then I'll wake up hungry. It's gonna be good. That's how I work...on my good days. Alright, gonna enjoy the TV.

We has a problem

So, when I looked in the mirror, at my body to see if my hipbones poked out just a wittle more, I saw that they don't. At all. They used to. Just a little, but they still did. I wanna start crying, but I have to get ready for the torture they call school. I hope everyone's day is so far better than mine.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Layin in bed, Half asleep

and I remember J.P. one time saying, "I was anorexic for a while, but that didn't work so I became bulimic." Even then I wanted to tell her they don't work like that. But what do I know? I don't have either. From what I understand is that with bulimia you binge which she never did. Ever. She just puked when she got stressed out and said it was her body's natural reaction. And from what I think I know about anorexia is it's harder to eat than it is not to. J.P. just didn't know how to eat healthy so there would be days she wanted to lose weight so she didn't eat.
For those of you wondering, there is no point to this post other than to say that anyone who doesn't have a problem shouldn't say they do and don't go out trying to get one. My life is a fuckin mess and depression lays really close to my surface anytime I pull myself away from people and I would NEVER wish this on anyone else (except J.R. but that ho is the only trigger for cutting and not eating I have and with more reason than I'm not his GF and so I'm depressed) because I realize how bad it is. It hurts, I'm cold and I feel sick. Yeah, maybe I'm a hypocrite because I enjoy all those things half the time, but it's not something I hope anyone else has to deal with. Yeah, I support those DEAD SET on this, but I also have loads of support for those who aren't.
I'm done ranting. Sorry that one memory made me flip out soo much.

Fat todayy

Ugghh, seriously. For a "normal" person it wouldn't be bad. But we've seen "normal" have we not? How ugly they appear next to skinny beauties. I don't even wanna talk about it now...
I got vanilla almond milk which isn't the best for calories. It's better than normal milk, though. 90 instead of, like, 110. The unsweetened one was 35, though... This one has a cool nutty after taste and I'm falling in love with it.
A scale, I really want one. So I can mental party when it says 129. I need to use my wiifit everyday so that I'll be burning at least 100 calories everyday from exercise (PE fails at that). I also need to do my homework. I need less fattening foods. Also, I need to quit eating lunch at school.
Lottie, you're nominating me for a blog award?! That's so neatt! It's my first one. That's cool!
Alright, gonna go do my homework. So I can not fail my science test that I have tomorrow. Also I'm getting tired and feeling sick. Again with the sickiness!
Ok, goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I feel like crap, and yet so happy with myself.

I'm a mess, yet I'm happier being a mess than being "fixed". I'm happy consuming 380 calories like I did today. I'm happy slicing open my left wrist (though I like cutting open my right one more). I'm just perfectly fine with not eating lunch at school. I'm happy with this hungry that's nawing on my insides. I don't think I was honestly this happy when I was "okay".
I really, really, really wanna find out what I weigh. I wanna know if it's worth it (always is) today. I wanna know if I've been good enough to lose any weight.
But I need to do my homework. And get some REAL sleep tonight. And try to be "sane" (or appear it).
Alright, I'm gonna go do my homework.
NOS: 110
Bread stick: 90(times two, though, because I was fat and told myself that they weren't THAT big)
Another energy drink: 10 per serving (two servings in the can, though)

LATER: frick. I just devoured about 200 calories of crap. I feel like I'm gonna puke. Blehhh. I should work it off and, if I wasn't a lazy ho, I would. Instead, I'm gonna go to bed and pretend it didn't happen and try to be a good girl tomorrow. fatfatfatfatfat. How will I be in the 120s anytime soon if I keep giving into impulses like this?! I'm just sooo mad at myself right now!! And I keep almost puking and I wish I just WOULD so that I won't have to feel so bad even though I'm a fat, weak, lazy brat who expects things to fall into her lap!! I'm fricking ticked off with myself. It's not good. But it is bedtime and I'm soooo tired. There are bags under my eyes from soo much lack of sleep. I need a good night's rest. So I'm gonna take it tonight.

It's great when life fucks the people we don't like

Soooo...~ J.P. and L.S. are fighting over J.R. Isn't that cutee~? How two buddies get into a fight over a dude with a vomit-worthy personality who made me wish I was anything but alive? I most def would not fight for that and I'm more than slightly masochistic!
So, today, so far, I've had probably 40 calories of cereal, 10 from the milk it soaked up, and will be having 20 from an energy drink. It's weird to feel sick when I think about food.
I had a therapist appointment where I vented for a little while. She seems scared that I've lost too much weight. She's also nervous about the 4 cuts on my wrist. Thinking I don't cope well. That was true, maybe it still is, but I like it. It means I'm alive.
Also, thanks, Lottie. I honestly hope I will be in the 120s soon! It's almost warm enough to go swimming today. TODAY!! It's so nice out!
ZETTE!! Imissedyou.Iwassoworriedandthoughttheworst,but you're ok! Thank goodness you're ok! I will start stalking you again! YAY!
k, I'm done. My FINAL calorie count will be posted later! :) Tooodless.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


That's what the wii says I am. I freaking believe it too, I'm a fattie. Remember when I was 136ish? Sure, my vision was going black half the time, but I freakin loved it. Though it's sad that my lowest weight is in the 130s.
My goal for from now to summer? Get to 120s. Then I will allow myself to go, in a bikini, to the pool and flaunt in front of my ex-boyfriend. Sure, I dumped him but since I'm a bitch, I like him to realize how great I am and that we'll never get back together. Why? Because I won't allow myself to go back for seconds. I really need to quit this cussing before it slips at school one day and everyone makes a scene.
I really hope I quit making 3 posts a day...It's because I feel at home here. I can say whatever I wanna and whoever cares can go screw themselves. Repeatedly.
Also, why has Madam Zette not posted????? I BE GOOBERTASTICALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU, WOMAN! Honest. Really worried. Really really super worried. Even though this is my first time saying so. :(
Ok, now beddie bye time. I'm not getting enouugh sleep. It's midnight and I'm getting up around 6:50 AM to. get ready for school. Luckily I don't feel dead until geometry. Goodnight/morning/afternoon, I'm going to bedd.

I think this is beautiful! Probably because I've recently gotten so sappy.

Boys, just do it!
----Tell her you think shes cool.
Tell her why you think shes so cool.
Smell her hair.
Talk to her in movie theatres.
Pick her up and pretend youre going to throw her in the river; she'll scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it.
Hold her hand and skip.
Hold her hand and run.
Just hold her hand.
Pick flowers from other people's gardens and give them to her.
Tell her she looks pretty.
Let her pay for stuff if she wants to.
Introduce her to your friends as The coolest girl I know.
Sit in the park and talk to her.
Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations.
Tell her dirty jokes.
Tell her stupid jokes.
Write poems about her.
Just walk around with her.
Throw pebbles at her window at night.
When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.
Take her to shows of bands shes never heard of.
Hold her hand in the mosh pit.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Call her.
Call her back if she calls you.
Sing to her, no matter how bad you are.
Carve your names into a tree.
Get her mad, then kiss her.
Give her piggy-back rides.
Go see her band play even if they really suck, and tell her they were great.
Give her space if she needs it.
Push her on swings.
Stay up with her all night when shes sick.
Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones.
Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds.
Write on her.
Make her mixtapes.
Write her letters.
If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip.
Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones.
Listen to all the bands she mentions.
Dont tell her that her favorite bands suck.
When shes sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if shes not saying anything.
Buy her ice cream.
Let her take all the photos of you she wants.
Look into her eyes.
Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast.
Kiss her in the rain.
When you fall in love with her, tell her. <3

Bad Girl

I'm so weak... Can't say no to that food for ONE day... Tomorrow, I have to actually eat something because of my therapy appointment. Good thing is I did better today! :) Yesterday I probably had a normal amount and today I had about 800 calories. Makes me a happy little fattie. Also found out that food makes me feel sick. Lovely! I thinkss... I'll quit eating lunch at school. They rarely have anything worth it at my school anyway. And I won't have a snack when I get home. I'll probably have supper, though...a Salad? If it doesn't upset my stomach? Tell them I had a peanut butter sandwich before Mom got home? Yeah, I'm typing and thinking... Honestly, it's just that everything's seemed...bad this week. The amount of caffiene I have has gone up, I'm back to cutting... Even though everything is actually ok.
I just dont know...

Monday, March 14, 2011


I feel completely broken. I don't know what's with me. Parts of the day, I'll be happy and perfectly fine and other parts...are like now. I wanna hurt myself so bad and I will. I feel so guilty, even though it might not even be my fault. But I still wanna be perfect for Mommy and Daddy so them showing how upset they are upsets me more and... well... I gave up on trying to quit cutting tonight. Figured you guys should know.
Thank you, Lottie and Rachael, for your lovely comments. Both of you put "Stay strong" on them. I know you mean by eating little and sticking to my diets and all that, but when I read those two little words... I read them as "Don't die", "Don't become suicidal and if you are, don't follow through with your thoughts", and "keep living". So, it means a lot to me that it's there.
Also, WHERE ARE ALL THESE FOLLOWERS COMING FROM!? I love them, of course, but I have 13 of them!? Holy CRAP! That's, like, thirteen people who think my life is worth keeping tabs on. That's sweet.
Okay, I've been inspired by all those websites where you can go and posts "secrets" or whatever, so I'm taking my blog Dreamless Sketch and putting my own "secrets" on there. Even though I should probably delete the other posts on there, I got some AMAZING comments that I still go back and read, so I'm not going to. I'm actually pretty scared/excited, haha.
I wrote in this journal I keep and it started out with me being so angry at my mom and cussing and just full blown ticked off mode..and then I fell and felt like no matter how I looked at it, it was my fault. "Cutting is self-punishment for existing and everything else I do wrong." That's all I could think of by time I got done. I know it hurts you guys when I hurt myself and come on here and tell you (or, I pretend it does) and there are days where I imagine cutting for months and then breaking down at L.G.'s feet, showing her the cuts and scars, telling her how bad I always feel...Everything, because she would understand unlike my ex-boyfriend who never lets anything hurt him. I imagined recently telling S.C. next concert we were both at. Would she then hate me? Take back the friendship she was so quick to give? Another reason I'm so happy I don't have to see her everyday. Seriously, Saturday was the first time we hung out and she was so hyper and I was so happy and it all just felt...Normal. That's how I'll remember her, as a person.
Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm hopping off for tonight. Tomorrow, I'm gonna try again for liquids. Sorry about messing up today (yeah, I'm mainly saying that to myself). Be safe, stay strong, and we'll make it through another day, alright?

Fat Brat

I ate a lot today. I swore over and over I wouldn't go over 300 if I did. I told myself over and over. What do I do? Candy, rootbeer float, grilled cheese, fat fat fat. UGH!!!
Tomorrow, I'll do WAY better. I'll quit being a fatty.
So, today I tried talking to my ex-bf about why I'm so insecure. Idiot told me to just ignore the people who were saying those things. I TRY! I can't!! My world was DESTROYED by the messages he sent me and I'm now TERRIFIED of him!! Why does no one understand that?
Huff, huff, I'll try to calm down now. You guys don't need the bad, so how about some good? Like this chick, S.C. told me I was AMAZING. This chick, I guess we're friends. We started talking, like seriously talking, Saturday and for some reason we clicked and she gave me a group of people to hang out with while we were at the concert for a few of the local bands (I'm the little sister of the singer for one of them and she's the bassist in another). It felt cool because we're from "rival" towns and she's the first friend I've had that's in the grade above me. Also, we're almost exactly a year apart in age. Thinking about all of this makes me happy.
This video is cute, even if I can't understand them. These dudes are adorable.

See, I listen to happy, dancey music because I wanna be happy. :) It's a good plan half the time.
I'm gonna get off and take a shower.

Post 5892635 for tonight

Ok, I fail. I made a cut on my wrist and covered it up with rubberbands. Yet I feel way happier than I did before. Fail, fail, fail. Even saying that, I don't feel it. I feel fine with it. I feel like it doesn't really matter if I hurt myself or not even though I know you guys care. I numb about hurting myself. I don't feel like people care even if I know they do.
Anyone wanna tell me they do? Try to make it seem real? Not even with my parents did it seem like they did. Sure, my mom asked, but she did it soo much and in such a way that it just got annoying.
So, I dun know how I feel about it tonight. Usually, I would beat myself up, mentally, over it. Tonight...nothing. I'm calmed and even made happy by it. I know this is a medium deep cut for my (may even be a not-so deep one), but I kinda wanna go deeper. See how it feels. But it's not a crazy need now, so I can ignore it and go BEDDY-BYE! :)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Little Miss

I'll Get Tough,
don't you worry about me anymore.

-some more song in between-
Little Miss Hide Your Scars,
Little Miss Who You Are
is so much more than you like to talk about.

Those are my favorite parts of that song because I relate so darn much to it. I know, I said I was going to bed, but I haven't been up even twelve hours yet and my mind is all over. There are lyrics on my computer's tower thing now (the title and the parts in bold). Those lyrics are on my hand. There may be lyrics all the way up my arm before I go to school tomorrow. I just don't want to cut. Like, there's that hopeless desire to do it because I feel like I should, but I don't want to, also. I don't want to hurt myself again. I'm doing so well right now.
All of this thinking reminded me of how nervous I was when my older brother came home from college. The last time we had talked, I told him I had been cutting since beginning of May, end of April. Then he came home and I thought for sure he would say something about it to me. Nothing. Not a word. We barely spoke except for when he first got there. Heck, my mom's even quit asking about it. Maybe I'm better at lying than I thought I was. Maybe tonight I could get away with it. I'm wearing long sleeves tomorrow... But what about PE? This chick named Kelly might be keeping an eye on me because I know she used to cut and she thinks I'm done cutting. I don't even tell L.G. (I'll update my people part later) that I still think about cutting for hours if I'm given time. I do, too. Cutting will consume me for hours if I don't give myself something to think about. It's a dangerous addiction and once you give into it becomes one of few ways you can think of to cope.
One cut on these fat wrists? Just one tiny one?

I am unworthy of you 12 followers.

I keep disappearing and I'm pretty sure I'm as fat as I was during the summer. time to crack down, eh? Yeah, I've been thinking about those messages from last October from J.R. that always, always make me realize I'm an ugly little brat on the inside and the outside. Maybe if I change the outside, shrink her down, the inside will become better too? Maybe. Doubt it. Tomorrow, even though it's Monday and, seriously, I probably shouldn't go with only liquids on Mondays, I'm gonna. Swear it to you and myself and this time I just cannot let my pride be hurt again.
Did I tell you guys that I've gone vegetarian? Yep, had a daydream-nightmare-thing and now I can't even think about eating meat without remembering it. It was this dragon thing biting my throat out. And I mentally link that to eating meat...go figure.
I thought I was getting better, I really honestly did. And then I started wearing rubber bands around my wrist and kept snapping them over and over, enjoying the pain. And this weekend, since I slept 12 hour each day, woke up starved and didn't want to do a thing about it. I think outside of a meal, I only ate once and only had two meals.
Mentally, I've been cussing more. None of it's come out of my mouth, though. I'll think things like "That chick's such a bitch. Wait, did I really think that?" or "Wow, I'm such a fatass who needs to get off her fat ass and MOVE!!" See? Lots of mental cussing. I'll try to not post it on here, though, because I honestly feel that it'll make my blog less appealing. I honestly think I'm back in a downward spiral and that's why I'm mentally cussing and mentally NEEDING to feel that pain of the rubber bands and the pains of being hungry. Honestly, if I lived alone, I think I wouldn't be eating at all until I broke down and totally binged and then, well, then I think I would go against one of my mental rules and purge. Luckily, I don't live alone and these walls are thin.
Now, I'm getting caught up on you guys' blogs. And right now I'm reading Miss Rachael's blog. 135.4!? Seriously!? I REALLY need to get my fat butt moving!! I'm such a fatty! I remember when I was almost that weight! I was so proud! And now I get to be proud of you and mad at me.
And I've also been thinking about secrets I keep close to me. I wanted to post one on six billion secrets, but I'm too scared to even do it there. I wanted to say something about how I got messages over facebook from someone I thought was a friend that destroyed my already fragile world and that I'm left alone now to rebuild it. I wanted to say "Daddy, how could I NOT hate my body, want to starve myself when for about five years you told me that I was too fat, needed to skip a meal, or to puke up a meal? How can you not see that every time you tell me I'm going to go puke, I have a mental battle?" I've never purged, but I've come close. I've wanted to. Because I'm a broken child who wants her mentally fucked up daddy to love her and to show that he cares. I want to be able to hug my daddy without being at all scared that he's gonna hit my back hard enough for it to hurt. Another thing I want you guys to know is that in the past, I wanted to attempt suicide. Not so I'd die, but so I would land in the hospital. I wanted to know how many people honestly cared enough to come see me or to leave flowers. Gosh, this whole, like, paragraph had me crying. Though I guess that's better than slicing myself open which I don't think I've done for four or five weeks, though I might be wrong because I still have a diamond shaped scar on my thigh that looks kinda new.
Really, I need to get off, but I don't wanna. I wanna think of more secrets I can tell you guys because you pretend (at least) to care. I feel like I can say whatever and either I get no comments or I get positive comments. Sorry for making my dad sound really bad. He has a personality disorder, which I don't really know what it means, but it apparently explains the way he acts. I really do love my dad which I sometimes wish I didn't because I think it would hurt less. Heck, I love both my parents and I don't wanna disappoint them and I feel like I need to be perfect for them and I never will be. Please don't think badly of them, because I don't.
Haha, found out the hard way that reading about people cutting makes me want to. I haven't done it yet, but it's hitting me harder than hunger EVER has. It's like, BEGGING me to go get my razors and rip into my almost healed skin. Gosh, this is insane. I don't really know how to describe this HUGE desire to just get my current razors- no, new sharper, less awkward razors- and cut. Or take these dull scissors I have and use them to cut open my wrists, considering they leave less of a noticeable marking. Deep breath, calm down, no cutting. Not tonight. Tonight, I am free. Tonight, I WILL NOT give myself chains that weigh me down. And soon, I'm gonna go to bed. Tomorrow, I'll skip breakfast, lunch, and find a way to get rid of dinner. I'll get on here and happily tell you guys that other than coke zero, water, and flavored water (and maybe an energy drink) that I'm empty. Then, I'll either kill time or go to bed. The next day might be the same way. Because I'm sick of living "normally" this sounds as pleasing as it sounds unpleasing. Already my stomach hurts from tomorrow's pains. And yet, I already feel excited to start fresh tomorrow and not eat. Tomorrow is Monday, an all liquids' day, a day for clarity and hunger. And yet another day of wishing my hipbones stood out more and that my tummy was flatter.
I'm gonna go to bed now that I've given you a SUPER long post.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Learning to Survive

Sorry about being missing. And Woohooo! I now have 11 people who care about the happenings in my life. Wish this post would be happier, then.
Today it hit me. Maybe it was the rain or the fact that it's the weekend but no matter how strong I say I am, J.P. is gonna make me feel like my heart has been torn out. The feelings I had for her for the monthish that we were dating still remain. I wanna hold her and just cry. Life isn't going right. We planned a future that wasn't gonna happen together. She says she felt disgusted with herself the whole time we were together, but she seemed happy. I miss her, wanna hold her, wanna cry and scream, but most of all I just wanna talk to her. Instead of doing any of that, I get to learn how to simply survive without her. I get to put my chin up and act like I don't care who she is because I'm me. But I still wanna hold her. Wanna know if she still wants to be a pastry chef. Wanna just lay next to her and tell her that she's beautiful. Because I've apparently become a sappy person.