Friday, December 18, 2015

Feeling so much better

So far, I feel a lot better now that I've started my medications again. I had to change one of them because my insurance doesn't cover medications until we spend $6,500. The medication was about $800 without the coverage. It's really unsettling to have to change from something I know works.
However, this other medication seems to be working. Or maybe I just think that it's working. I started taking my two medications about four days ago. I'm not sure how long it takes for them to start working again.
Anyway, I feel a lot better. My medication makes me nauseous if I eat too much at one time, so I have to learn how to eat smaller amounts spread out to avoid that. Which is kind of triggering for me, so I'm kind of excited about that.
The school semester is officially over for us! Not that it matters for me. I basically took the semester off. Anyway, I'm ready for next semester. I'm ready to have school stuff to do.
Have I mentioned that I'm doing pre-med and psychology? I want to be a psychiatrist. Part of it is passion, part of it is the pay. I'm broke af right now, so a future where I never have to worry about money is very appealing.

Monday, December 14, 2015


I've been talking with my doctor about getting me on medication. One of them has gotten approved by the insurance, and is ready for pick up. The other medication has been ordered, but....disappeared? It's not at the CVS at home, it's not at the CVS here. It's just gone. I'm just pissed off about it.
I haven't been starving like I want. I feel like I've been compulsively eating. I haven't even been exercising. It's so frustrating. Everything is frustrating.
I want hip bones and my rib cage. I'm tired of being so well. I'm tired of being overweight. Everything is so tiring. I feel like I tell everyone that I have an eating disorder, but no one has ever seen my disorder. I feel completely invalid compared to a lot of other people. I want hip bones. I want be 114. It's a heathy weight. It's just a little on the lower side. I want to be 114. It's my magic number. It's been an obsession of mine since I was fourteen. 114. 114. 114. 114. 
I'm so tired of being overweight. I'm so tired of being the weight I am. I want to lose weight again. I want to feel in control.
Thank you, Bella, for suggesting I get back with medication. I'm really trying. It's just... part of me is so tired of trying because I feel like no one else is trying. You don't sound like you're being judgmental.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Long time no talk

I really need to start running. I need to start dropping pounds. I need to get back into the swing of my disorder again. I want to count my showing bones. I want to be sick. I don't know why. Everything is pretty good in life right now. Except that.
Also, I've been out of medication for about a month.
So that might be why.
My brain begins to obsess on some numbers. My good number is 114. That's what I feel like I need to be at to be happy. That's what I need to be at. I need to get back to 114. I don't know how to anymore though.
Much love,

Monday, November 30, 2015

I hate my stomach

When I was younger and my disorder first started, I hated my legs. I thought thin legs meant being skinny. Like that was the meaning of being skinny. Having tiny legs. I did sit ups because that's just what people with eating disorders do. Or that's what I told myself anyway.
But I hate my stomach. I hate the stretch marks. I hate how big it is. I want to cry when I change. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I want the head rush. I want the excuses. I want to be able to starve my ass off again. Right now, I just want to cry because I feel like such a failure. I want it back. I want to eat there. I don't want to eat and eat. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of the excuses I make. I'm so tired of being fat. I'm just so sick of it. I want to cry. I want to feel my ribs and hip bones. I want to know if I can do that just one more sit up. I want people who will push me and push me. I'm tired of letting myself down.
I want ana friends. I'm tired of doing this alone. I want people who will talk to me, remind me of moments like this where I felt low. Remind me of times when I felt like I could do it all. I want to text people who will remind me to stay thin. I feel like I'm screaming into a void
Much Love,
I need a plan. I need to figure out a routine. I need to figure out how to get this weight off.
Alright, everyday, for now, I'm going to do ten burpees and go for at least a thirty minute walk and do two ten minute sessions of yoga (yoga only holds my attention for about ten minutes at a time). The internets says that that should be about 290. Not quite enough. I need to do more. There needs to be more. There needs to be a way.

Saturday, November 28, 2015


I hope thanksgiving wasn't too bad for everyone in the States. I think I did rather very well. I'm a vegetarian, so a lot of the foods are off limits anyway. Of course, that doesn't mean I have to go easy on the foods that I can eat. I did, though. I don't understand the whole eating until you might burst thing. I like feeling a little bit of room still in my tummy.
I'm trying my hardest to be good, though, now that Thanksgiving is over. I just get really hungry sometimes, and I don't know what even to eat.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

So far so good

My net calories for today is less than 300. I broke out the WiiFit again and burned off about 70 calories. I feel like it should have been more than that. I was working on it for nineteen whole minutes. It's just rough. And now all I want is a nap. I've lived off of coffee for today. And oatmeal. With peaches. It's been a blast, though.
So tired.
Much love,

Morning Coffee

I didn't get to sleep until four last night. I didn't wake up until ten this morning.
I weighed myself late last night. 197.2
It's slowly coming down.
Not like I would like, though.
Needs to come down faster.
The girl in the picture above has her knees turned inward, creating a bigger gap. It's cut off, so I think she was trying to hide that. You can also tell that her butt is pushed out a little. I don't know why I'm explaining this to you guys.
I have to go eat something. Latuda says to take it with food.
I think I want oatmeal with peaches...and cinnamon. That sounds good.
Much love,

Dark and Twisty.

Hi, lovelies.
Again, sorry for the lack of picture, I'm on my phone again.
Things are going to get really dark for me for a while. I ran out of Prozac and since there was a mess up with Wal-Mart I have zero money. Things are a little dark with it, but they get real dark without it.
I keep telling myself that today will be the day that I starve. Of course it never is. I need to get my willpower back. My self-esteem is low enough. I need this control. I need to feel hard bones hitting soft mattresses.
Oh, it may be nothing, but there's a lump in my boob. It might be a lymph node, swollen from being sick. It might be cancer. My worries say cancer. Either way, I'm not sure. No one has properly let me worry about it out loud, though, so it still is lingering in the back of my mind. Like all of the time.
I want to be teeny ballerina thin. I don't want to be to the point that people worry. That's when you get caught. I also wanna do lots of yoga and be really flexible. I wanna be able to wear whatever I want. Am I repeating myself?
I saw that a lot of people saw my last post. Thanks a bunches for reading. Feel free to comment too. I don't bite!
My rib cage is deformed. I used to do something called cosplay where you dress up as characters from shows or books. I used to like to dress as guy characters. And the only way I knew how to bind was with ACE wraps. Don't do that. Really bad for you.
Alright, I feel a little better getting to indulge my disorder, and keeping you guys updated. It feels nice to have people who understand.
Much love,

Thursday, November 19, 2015

It's late and I am not alright.

Sorry for the lack of thinspo on this one, princesses. I'm typing this from my phone.
It's two thirty in the morning and I'm slipping.
I want to feel my hip bones, my spine, my rib cage.
Do you want to know something disgusting?
I weight almost 200 pounds.
I'm only 5'5".
What happened to dreams of being 114?
What happened to me?
I feel like I fail at everything right now.
I want to feel the carve of my bones jutting out. I want people to ask what I do to look so good. I just want to lose a little weight. A lottle weight. OK a huge bunch of weight. I want people to text when I want to eat. I want to go back to the roots of my coffee addiction.
I still drink my coffee black. It makes me a little anxious to drink anything in it.
I want people who support my weight loss no matter what path I choose to get there. I want people who understand that sometimes you have to starve yourself to feel whole again.
I feel alone even though I have people who love me because I don't have people who will let me do it. Or who will push me to do the best with it that I can. Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm just sick of everything being too far to reach. Nothing is in my control anymore.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015


I am nineteen years old.
Today, I decided that I want to be a Psychiatrist.
To be a Psychiatrist, I have to have almost the same education as a doctor.
I have to have a GPA higher than I have.
When I called my mom for her advice, she told me to work 15 hours a week and to take 12 credit hours (the minimum for full time).
My eating disorder has been biting at the edge of my mind.
Everyone says to keep myself physically and mentally healthy.
My fiancee told me not to vent about my mom to her unless I plan on doing something about.
I've come to the conclusion that my mom is emotionally abusive.
I want a parent that believes in me as much I do.
The one thing I can control is, well, my weight. It's the one thing that I know I've had bring me confidence. And if I can't vent, I internalize.
So here we go again. Pounds and exercise and calories.
Numbers and hours and time. Days and pain.

Friday, October 16, 2015


This morning I woke up with an unfamiliar pain. Hunger like I hadn't felt in a long long time. I'm sure it's been building up for a while now. So of course I went downstairs, not even thinking, to take care of it.
I had an instant breakfast with 2% milk and coffee.
I had two of these Ritz cracker sandwiches covered in chocolate that we made last night.
I'm cursing myself. It's only noon and I've already had over 500 calories. I just got up and it's over 500 calories. In one sitting.
I'm so mad at myself. I don't even know anymore how to exercise it off anymore. To make myself feel at least a little better. I still have a little fuzzy feeling in my head. It hurts a little even. I'm still really tired. I don't even know what's going on with life. I know that I have homework I should work on. But I don't really want to. Like all the time.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

I get Triggered by such little things

My brain is saying "Starve, Bitch, Starve" because my fiancee told me to quit expressing my stresses because she couldn't handle it. My body says to slip down the slope because of what it does to me physically and mentally. There's money problems in my house right now anyway, so it makes me even more tempted. It would be easy. Not this week, but it could. This week we have tomorrow off, and then it's the weekend. My fiancee will be around too much for all of this. Then Monday will roll around. My fiancee has class all day Mondays and Wednesdays. I only have class at two that day. I could go all day until about five without a bite. I could have all the coffee I wanted. I could have all the water I wanted. I could pretend that it can't hurt me. I can pretend that everything would be great.
Can you believe that I'm a psych student?
I'm also an art student, though.
Maybe that's what's so erratic about me. The artist side.
I can feel myself slipping.

Friday, July 31, 2015

I began to question who I am

and I ended up logging in here.
I began to wonder what it is that I truly liked.
I began to wonder what of me was put there by someone else.
I began to question everything.
I still am.
But I ended up here.
I haven't posted for a while.
I wonder if I'm just supposed to go through and look, see who I'm supposed to be.
Or if I'm supposed to come back full forced.
Who knows.