Friday, October 16, 2015


This morning I woke up with an unfamiliar pain. Hunger like I hadn't felt in a long long time. I'm sure it's been building up for a while now. So of course I went downstairs, not even thinking, to take care of it.
I had an instant breakfast with 2% milk and coffee.
I had two of these Ritz cracker sandwiches covered in chocolate that we made last night.
I'm cursing myself. It's only noon and I've already had over 500 calories. I just got up and it's over 500 calories. In one sitting.
I'm so mad at myself. I don't even know anymore how to exercise it off anymore. To make myself feel at least a little better. I still have a little fuzzy feeling in my head. It hurts a little even. I'm still really tired. I don't even know what's going on with life. I know that I have homework I should work on. But I don't really want to. Like all the time.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

I get Triggered by such little things

My brain is saying "Starve, Bitch, Starve" because my fiancee told me to quit expressing my stresses because she couldn't handle it. My body says to slip down the slope because of what it does to me physically and mentally. There's money problems in my house right now anyway, so it makes me even more tempted. It would be easy. Not this week, but it could. This week we have tomorrow off, and then it's the weekend. My fiancee will be around too much for all of this. Then Monday will roll around. My fiancee has class all day Mondays and Wednesdays. I only have class at two that day. I could go all day until about five without a bite. I could have all the coffee I wanted. I could have all the water I wanted. I could pretend that it can't hurt me. I can pretend that everything would be great.
Can you believe that I'm a psych student?
I'm also an art student, though.
Maybe that's what's so erratic about me. The artist side.
I can feel myself slipping.