Sunday, April 29, 2012

Going to Talk to My Therapist about Med Tuesday, Hopefully.

Wii says I'm 155 something.
Scale says 157/158..
I'm not sure which to believe.
I just need to stop eating.
It really should be that easy.
It really used to be that easy.
I've been living off of water and tea and coffee. That's about all I drink.
It's the food that's the problem.
You know what I think I need to do?
Try a vegan diet for a week.
And to exercise more.
Sure, I weight lift about twenty minutes five days a week, but it's not enough.
I'm still fat.
I've been so stressed out lately.
And I'm always tired.
And I really want to cut.
And I'm just getting sick of how life is.
I'm always freezing.
But everyone around is so, so lovely.
They all pretend I'm pretty and great.
Still, they stuff food down my throat and make me feel guilty for not eating.
They try to make me feel weird about exercising.
They hold me back from losing weight and being perfect.
I love J.P., but we don't exercise at her house.
Remember those days where I did SOME type of exercise every day, even if it wasn't much?
I do.
So after my choir concert today, I got onto the wii and exercised for thirty minutes.
I'm planning on running for thirty minutes later.
That'll be about 270 calories, maybe more.
I've eaten a lot more than that.
I really need to start counting calories again.
And I need to quit eating poptarts.
Seriously, close to or 200 calories PER poptart?
That's obscene!
I eat, probably, three or four per day at J.P.'s.
Because there's not really much else to eat.
Maybe I'll just start eating soup...
Also, I need to findd new blogs to read.
Alright, I'm gonna go snuzzle with J.P. because I just remembered how many of my sharp objects I keep in my room.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I'm gaining. I can feel it.

Today, I just feel like putting thinspo up.
I have calculated that I burn about 2386.294 calories. Just sitting there.
Breathing, functioning.
But unless I fast for most of the next twenty days, there's no way in all of the world that I am going to be 138 like I said to J.P. I wanted to be by the end of school.
And I have to eat next Tuesday.
We have testing and I don't want to feel like I'm the reason that the school seems like crap.
I mean, my school is crap, but I don't want to be the reason it shows up like that on a test.
J.P. says that if I'm not eating, I'm not exercising a bunch.
Not that she could stop me from walking around a whole bunch this weekend.
This weekend is the anime convention we're going to.
I'm excited, but not as much as I should be.
Last time I was thinner.
Last time, I weighed only 128.
Last time, I wasn't scared of how I looked.
Now, I don't even see my collar bones, the first things to present themselves when I was losing weight.
That's right, kiddies, I'm fat.
Too fat for any of my bones to appear.
Except, I have really bony arms and my shoulder blades stand out just slightly.
Probably because all we work in weightlifting in the morning is arms and shoulders.
I wore shorts today.
My legs are huge.
Except for my calves. They look itty bitty.
Especially when I flex the muscles in them.
They're really muscular apparently.
Feels great.
Alrighttt, I need to see if my mom will take me over to J.P.'s because she's having a rough day (and saidd we could go run the track together!!), and if she will I need to get ready.
And I'm going to weigh myself.
Have a lovely day/night/afternoon! :D

Friday, April 13, 2012

Went to Denny's today

That's probably why I'm fat.
I don't eat very little throughout the day and then we go to Denny's for supper and the lowest calorie thing on the menu should probably be the amount I eat ALL DAY.
I want to make this post really short because I want to start working out before J.P. gets back.
Because I NEED this.
I need my therapist to look at me and SEE my inner battle spread out on my body, revealed as my bones are.
I need people to not know, unless they're the right person.
But first, I wanna tell you about this fucking dick at school.
I wanna tell you about he made it seem like all J.P. and I do is try to have sex all the time.
I wanna tell you about how he decided to make very public comments to people who probably didn't even know J.P. and I were dating about my relationship.
I wanna tell you about how I should've ripped his nuts off right then.
And then went back to my table and enjoyed zero calorie goodness of unsweetened tea.
But I didn't.
It bothers me that he could act like that.
Anyway, I'm gonna go exercise. Strip down to shorts and a sports bra (if I can find one) and go nuts.
Yeah, pretty much.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I found out why I liked my antidepressants

I get super grumpy when I eat little/don't eat.
With the antidepressants, they forced me to pretend I was ok.
It was beautiful.
No one but me got hurt.
No one but me knew.
I was always so happy.
It was beautiful and lovely.
I doubt anyone here would understand.
I could starve like I knew what the hell I was doing.
I could feel hungry and just sigh and think "Could be hungrier."
Now I get hungry and thing "EAT!! EVERYTHING!!" and then "No...I can't, must be thin."
It's horrifying.
I hate it.
I wanna be thin.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Yesterday was bad

Today is a little better.
I had a biscuit with honey spread butter(?) and grape jelly...
then we went out to eat.
Don't wanna talk about it.
I just wanna say something really quickly. And I know some of you won't agree with it.
I hate, hate, hate reverse thinspo (is that what it is?) where they have average/slightly overweight, yet still very lovely, attractive women and rip them apart.
Because the way I see it is the only thing we should use them as inspiration for is what we should be that they already are.
Proud of our bodies.
What gives us the right to even think about taking that from them? I was thinking back to when I was really thin (about thirty pounds less).
I remember my ex boyfriend (who I think I was with at the time) saying that if I was 10 pounds less, I'd be perfect.
I was 128.2 or something weird like that.
Ten pounds would've been 118.something.
So close to what I really wanted to be.
So close.
I think about being thinner all the time.
I think about when I wanted it so badly that I stayed up until strange hours just so I could work out for about two hours.
I want this.
...I'm 151.2...
It's shocking.
I haven't exercised much between yesterday and today.
And I've lost weight.
Please excuse me while I spazz out.
...Okay, now then, what was I saying?
Oh yes, yes, goals!
Since I seem to be doing something right.
My first one will be 140 and I hope to reach it before the end of the month.
For "normal" people that's an obscene goal.
So of course I want to do it.
I hope I do.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Raise your hand if you remember when you last cut.

I did today after J.P. and I got into a fight.
She's watching horror movies, which she hates, and already is having troubles with nightmares.
It hurt more than I ever remember it hurting.
I don't have as much scar tissue, maybe.
Did I mention I'm borderline anemic?
Probably from nearly two years of cutting with only one big break in it all.
From September (maybe?) to...January? February? I don't remember. It was a while, but it was always on my mind and the only reason I didn't was because J.P. was always around.
I freaked out over one of the cuts.
It just didn't seem to want to stop.
The others stopped really quickly, but this one just kept bleeding.
It's stopped and didn't even really take that long to quit.
I'm just not used to it.
I want someone to talk to, but I don't want to talk to anyone I know.
I don't know if I don't trust them or just don't want them to know or what.
Like I want to talk to one of J.P.'s friends who is just....sweet and calm and nice about basically everything. He's a dear, really.
But I don't want him to know that I have anything wrong like this.
I'm going to go write some more.
Food is making me feel sick. Probably because even though I've eaten today, I haven't had much. And I don't remember taking my iron supplement this morning...

I planned on not eating.

But plans seem to dissolve so easily.
J.P. left to head to her dad's.
The last time she left, we kept looking back at each other, seeming to make sure the other was really leaving, like we couldn't believe it.
I was the only one looking back.
I haven't wanted to cut for a while.
Not since March 20th, maybe.
I know it's not that long.
My self-harm hasn't left me, even if the cuts have.
I scratched the last time I wanted to hurt myself.
They took so much longer to heal.
There's one on my ankle that still hasn't.
I know how to deal with cuts.
Cover it up, maybe slap a bandage on it.
I don't know how to deal with scratching off a few layers of my own skin, begging for it bleed.
You can't cover them up.
Then people ask, assume.
Especially when they look like burns.
J.P. keeps telling me how much she hates piercings.
This doesn't really work for me.
I love piercings.
I love wanting them.
I love being empty.
I love Spring Break, even though it's been cold enough for a hoodie.
I think I'm going to treat myself.
Not eat, paint my nails...maybe even cut.
Obviously, I'm going to exercise.
Everyone expects to come back to school after any kind of break weighing more.
I expect to weight less.
I felt writing today, but I couldn't think of anything to write.
I remember why J.P. and I rarely leave each others' side even though I love being alone.
It's more stressful.
I'm more free, sure, but I'll have to come clean for everything I do to myself.
Sure, I could go without eating until Tuesday, when we go to school again, but she'd blame
I remember when I just didn't care.
Ok, maybe I did care.
I have the scars that say I cared about something enough to dig a razor blade into my flesh and rip it open.
But I remember when I did what I pleased and no one noticed or knew.
Maybe if I get thin enough I'll get something pierced.
I was going to say belly button but then I looked them up and remembered how much I didn't like them.
J.P. told me that she doesn't tell me what upsets her.
How unfair is that?!
She acts like I've betrayed her if I don't tell her that I cut or starved myself, things I don't want to tell anyone.
But she doesn't have to tell me what made her upset!?
What the FUCK!?
How the HELL does she justify that!?
We're supposed to be a team, a couple, support for the other, all the other crappy lies everyone tells each other.
Alright, lovelies, I'm going for a walk because my toes are freezing cold.
And I got new socks yesterday and I want to wear them and my MP3 player is finally fully charged and up and running again so I want to use it and make it die so I have to charge it and I want to cut right now, but I know how upset everyone would be if I did that so I'm not going to.
Ok, walk time. BYES!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

It's been too long.

My weight has been up and down.
More up than down recently.
I saw 156.something on the scale the other day when I was home.

Said I wasn't going to eat today.
Ate today.
Not much.
Down to 153.0 when I weighed myself.
*pokes picture at the start of post* THIS is a problem for me.
We had the same waist when I was 128ish.
A 29 inch waist.
I'll get there (and smaller).
J.P. honestly thought that I wouldn't eat all of today.
And you know something?
I love being empty.
I love caffeine when I'm down on E.
I love the way it makes me open and talkative, but in control still.
I love knowing I'm burning calories.
I'm trying to get J.P. to start running with me.
I'm trying to start running again.
Bought shoes and shorts.
I'm scared of tanning my legs.
Scars stay white when you tan your skin.
On nearly white skin they blend in.
On tan skin they look like white fire.
Also, I like being different that way.
Everyone else is purposely trying to tan.
I don't want to be just another girl.
Anna told J.P. that I want to break up with her.
Not true.
I didn't even say that.
And J.P. believes I didn't say it.
But she keeps hearing it over and over.
We're apart right now (that's why I'm online!).
I can't make it better.
I don't really know what to do.
Because I've been kind of focused on me today.
Focused on me losing weight.
I want to be smaller.
I want my therapist to worry.
I think I miss the pills.

I saw that Sam Lupin is 149.5?! Could it really be that just a few weeks(days?) we were both 150.somethingorother? Wow! I'm seriously jealous right now! I'll catch up, though. Just you wait.
I will do it.
Or I'll never look at myself the same.
Alright! Off to weigh myself because (TMI!!!) I just took a massive poop earlier. :D

I just literally did a happy dance.
I'm losing.
I'm getting there.
Each little decimal matters.
BMI=24.9 says the scale!
J.P. isn't here to give me those worried looks either!!
Or give me strange ones as I keep up my happy dance to dubstep or Forever the Sickest Kids.
In a moment I'm going to run in place in my room. To lose more weight.
To make this worth it.
It all tastes like freedom.