Wednesday, April 13, 2016

I can't believe that was only a month ago.

I was reading my last post.
We ended up getting back together.
And then breaking up for good.
And then she decided that she isn't sexually attracted to girls.
And I realized that I've probably been passively suicidal since high school. Like I have plans for the future, and none of them include dying, but if it happened I wouldn't be too upset.
And I actually told some friends that I am.
Including my ex.
I told her last night.
And then today she told me she needs to focus on her.
Which is fair.
I'm hard to deal with.
I'm tearing the shit out of my arm. I don't know what else to do.
We broke up two weeks ago.
I've lost ten pounds since then.
It's really hard to eat right now.
We're on good terms.
Her friends, who I guess were once my friends, suck dick.
I really shouldn't be alone right now.
But I don't give enough fucks to seek people out at one in the morning.
I mean, this blade actually isn't cutting my skin. Just making the skin red and raised.
God I'm so tired. Of everything.
Love you lots,

Sunday, March 13, 2016


My fiancee decided we need a "break"
She's not sure that she loves me as more than a friend anymore.
I expected to get to live my life with her.
I expected her to be there.
I mean, we live together, so she's still here in a physical sense.
But I can't.
I just can't.
There's a void.
I said I would be fine.
I said I was ok with whatever she needed.
I have a friend who all they said was that it would be ok.
One of her friends told her a break would be better.
Here's the thing though:
I'm not good without her.
When it's just me, I want the scars, the dips of my skin in between my ribs.
When it's just me I couldn't give a shit about myself.
But I don't want her to stay if she doesn't want to.
I don't want her to stay out of pity.
So I'm supposed to be asleep.
Just me and my panda.
Just alone.
Because we're taking a break in hopes that she decides that she's being irrational.
Just me.
In a queen bed by myself.
It's so hard to not slice my wrists open.
I don't know who to talk to.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Periods Suck

I know, a little too much information, but I got mine for the first time in four years because I'm about a month or two late on getting the shot.
And so my brain is so squirrely.
To the point that I'm questioning whether or not my relationship with my fiancee is healthy. Yesterday, she started yelling at me as soon as we walked through the door, and then she broke down crying, making me feel like it was all my fault. And then other things happened and I was talking to my mom who doesn't really like her, so her opinion is of course going to be leave her. And my mom's all you act like someone who's been abused and I don't know when that started.
Could it be that it started when dad moved in and called me fat multiple times a day? Or stinky or thunder thighs or any of the other names that he called me?
Or witnessing him throw plates in the sink? And him yelling at you?
Could it be having to deal with all of this from the time I was eight until I was fourteen?
Or maybe it was the neglect that happened every weekend when we went to his house? Because guess what? He works weekend nights. So he slept through weekend days, and then was gone at night. And his house had ants everywhere. We would watch them fly off the curtains.
But maybe it is her. She's never hit me, which I know is not the only kind of abuse there is.
But there are times where just...yells at me for days. And when she's not yelling, we're not talking.
So I brought up me leaving last night...and she told me to go if I thought she was abusive. She told me that she wanted the best for me, and if I thought I was being abused she wasn't the best. But I was using it as a test. I figured she'd scream and hit me if she was abusive, tell me I was worthless without her. Make me stay somehow.
Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be like this. I meant to give y'all an update on weight and food and things.
I've been thinking about cutting again. I know I can't without someone noticing, but it's so tempting. Especially when I lay down at night.
Most of my scars are gone from when I was younger and it was a big problem. I have one that I use as a reminder to not go down that road. It's from a bread knife when I was sixteen. It was serrated. It was a really close brush with death. I should have called 911 that night, but I told myself that I could do it myself. And eventually I did. Probably way after the fifteen minutes your supposed to try at max before calling them. And then I showed my mom because she's a nurse, right, so she had to know how to make all better. And she asked if I wanted to go to the ER, and I should've said yes, but she told me they would probably lock me up. Anyway, we slapped some butter fly bandages, the ones that hold things closed, and covered it with another bandaid so it looked not nearly as bad. And it left a huge scar and I'm sure there's a lot of scar tissue and I'm sure something is not good in there, but I don't ever want to talk about it.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so emotional right now, and this is the place where I can just, unfiltered, spill everything out. And like you guys might judge me, but I know a lot of you have been through the same or similar things so I don't really worry about being judged here.
Lots of love,

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Clothes shopping

Clothes shopping is usually HELLA triggering, right?
Not yesterday!
Oh no.
My fiancee and I wear the same size. Which is so weird because we are different heights, different weights, but we're also different builds.
So, we weren't too optimistic.
I've told y'all that I'm 200 pounds right?
That's about 90.7 kg for my international followers.
So we started with a 15.
And just kept going down.
And down.
And down.
We ended up at a 11.
I'm one size away from not being in the double digits.
I mean, I'm no where the weight I want to be (I just weighed myself. 203.6)
But weight can be lost. Weight can be lost.
That dog is my dog. He's a cutie.
I started classes again last week. I have class four days a week. I have six classes two days, five one day, and then one one day. Most days that I have class I reach my 10000 step goal. Which is a lot more exercise than I have been getting. Shame on me. Anyway, because I'm about five times more active than I have been, I'm expecting to lose weight. We also bought healthy foods.
Does anyone want progress pictures? Like on a regular basis? I don't feel like I lose weight enough to post progress pictures.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

I thought I had a handle on this

I thought I could pick and choose when it came up.
Today is my friends birthday.
So of course she NEEDS pictures.
And then I saw my tummy.
Almost starting crying right then.
I remember freaking out over the teeniest of pooch.
You know what that pooch is?
Your uterus.
I found that out recently.
That's why you can't get rid of it.
It's an organ.
But I remember.
I have that memory.
And that's the hardest part.
I used to be the skinny one.
I was going to post a picture of me when I was tiny, but apparently I didn't post any of those to facebook. Makes sense. I thought I was huge.
I want to be cute.
I want to be skinny.
I want to not almost cry because I remember.

This is the closest I could find to my lowest weight.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Feeling so much better

So far, I feel a lot better now that I've started my medications again. I had to change one of them because my insurance doesn't cover medications until we spend $6,500. The medication was about $800 without the coverage. It's really unsettling to have to change from something I know works.
However, this other medication seems to be working. Or maybe I just think that it's working. I started taking my two medications about four days ago. I'm not sure how long it takes for them to start working again.
Anyway, I feel a lot better. My medication makes me nauseous if I eat too much at one time, so I have to learn how to eat smaller amounts spread out to avoid that. Which is kind of triggering for me, so I'm kind of excited about that.
The school semester is officially over for us! Not that it matters for me. I basically took the semester off. Anyway, I'm ready for next semester. I'm ready to have school stuff to do.
Have I mentioned that I'm doing pre-med and psychology? I want to be a psychiatrist. Part of it is passion, part of it is the pay. I'm broke af right now, so a future where I never have to worry about money is very appealing.

Monday, December 14, 2015


I've been talking with my doctor about getting me on medication. One of them has gotten approved by the insurance, and is ready for pick up. The other medication has been ordered, but....disappeared? It's not at the CVS at home, it's not at the CVS here. It's just gone. I'm just pissed off about it.
I haven't been starving like I want. I feel like I've been compulsively eating. I haven't even been exercising. It's so frustrating. Everything is frustrating.
I want hip bones and my rib cage. I'm tired of being so well. I'm tired of being overweight. Everything is so tiring. I feel like I tell everyone that I have an eating disorder, but no one has ever seen my disorder. I feel completely invalid compared to a lot of other people. I want hip bones. I want be 114. It's a heathy weight. It's just a little on the lower side. I want to be 114. It's my magic number. It's been an obsession of mine since I was fourteen. 114. 114. 114. 114. 
I'm so tired of being overweight. I'm so tired of being the weight I am. I want to lose weight again. I want to feel in control.
Thank you, Bella, for suggesting I get back with medication. I'm really trying. It's just... part of me is so tired of trying because I feel like no one else is trying. You don't sound like you're being judgmental.