Sunday, October 31, 2010

more ranting about J.P.

I was told by L.S. that J.P. is mad that I started dating my bf on her birthday. Not anyone's fault her birthday fell on a Friday or home football game. She told me she was fine with it!
Oh and he explained why we weren't talking a lot and I went back to being happy, but also went back to eating. Dang. BUT I did not binge. I probably had 600 calories today.
I don't deserve this kid, he's too good for me. He's dealing with my craziness so nicely and is even making me feel loved. Wow. Maybe it's because I'm used to being treated like crap, but I think I really like him.
Alright. Getting off now. :) Don't wanna be tired tomorrow. Night-night

I don't really want to talk to him...

Yeah, I mean my boyfriend. The way I'm viewing things currently, he's only talking to me because there's no one else to talk to. Last night, he spent it talking mainly to J.P. and totally ignored me. And, since I started my period (which sucks), I'm super moody anyways...So I'm depressed to the point I'm not hungry. I haven't eaten since last night.
I guess that's a positive. I'm not eating. And I'll be exercising because I'll want to feel, you know, productive.
Alright, hoping off now.

Sorry, life swept me away

But I'm back now. I went and saw The Social Network on Friday with my bf. It was cool, we held hands nearly the whole time.
But now... I'm gloom. See, I am used to talking to this kid everyday. We didn't talk late last night and we barely talked today...he was too busy talking to my best friend while I was dealing with the crap her bf was dishing out. Who knows how badly I cope with that if I can't talk about it? Needless to say, I'll have new scars.
Plus side? Being this down means I've got no appatite spelled wrong.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Super Squeal

Today was bad, food wise, but other than it was great. I went to the football game, played duck-duck-goose with my friends, and got a bf. I won't tell you he's amazing, but his hugs are. He's kinda cute, taller than me, and he treats me well (which I'm saying based our friendship).
It was funny how it happened. Everyone was just telling us to ask each other out and yelling at me that he wanted to go out with me and then this kid comes up and asked if we are datinng. We looked at each other and he's just like, "It's up to you." So, I said I didn't care and then he said he didn't care and then I said something else and he was just like, "Sounds like a good plan." So that's howw we started dating. Haha, I feel bad becaiuse it's my besties birthday.
Bedtime, now, though. Night.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

150.9 lbs

or, about 68 kilograms if you're not from US. How? I haven't kept to my food plans! That's not how, that's why I'm asking. Gosh...
Well, I'm losing and am not gonna complain. Oh OH! I got two, TWO, hugs from that guy who give amazing huggies. It's amazingg! I'm totally happy.
Alright, I'm hopping off. Bye! ^^

Edit 11:30PM:
If I remember correctly, tomorrow is suppose to be no cal. I'm changing that to 62.5. That's 2 1/2 servings of V-8 and I wanna be lively and keep to it. ^^ So, for lunch I'll take half a bottle(like a water bottle) of V-8 which is 25. And for breakfast, I'll have half a serving of V-8 and finally, hoping my mommy doesnt make supper before the game, I'll refill the bottle half way and drink that on the way there. This. Is. AWESOME. Except my dad's picking me up early... Uh-oh... OHOh, I'll say I had lunch at school (classic lie, I know). OK, night dears!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I'm so...spazzy right now.

First, that dude I've been a goober over...well, admitted that he does wanna date me.Yeah, I'm dense for not noticing...and I'm getting a hug from him tomorrow! He's hugs are fantastic! Second, I'm still so happy about having 5 followers. Like, that makes me happy to no end. Third...I haven't done my homework yet.
Sooo, I added more to my food plans. No, it's not weekly, which it should be, but I'm not good at planning for long periods. I'm impulsive!
Gosh, I'm gonna have to ask him what we, like, are now.Are we still just friends because I didn't say I wanted to be with him too? Or are we, like, together? I don't mind either way, just wanna know, you know.
Okayyy, homework time! Toodles, dears. I'll be commenting soon, I swear. Just let me get off this cloud I'm on.

Monday, October 18, 2010

5 followers? wow! I feel very honored!

I've been a bad follower, sorry. I'll get caught up tomorrow.
I'm so happy right now! This dude, who I can talk to on FB for hours, kept saying I was pretty Sunday (or maybe Saturday) and I almost believed him... then I looked at my stomach... Ew, looks 154ish again. So...I've been exercising more! Hummm... this calls for a fasting day. And then looowwww calories. I wanna actually be pretty, you know?
Ok, it's nearly 12:00 AM, bedtime. Goodnight!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Photo Thursday

Yeah, that's me and my big booty, arms, belly, and thighs. I got my hair redyed today, so I wanted a picture. If you can't tell, the color is suppose to red with purple bangs.Ugh, I look horrible. Fat, fat, fat all over. See girlies? This is what 151 pounds looks like. Not pretty, right? Right, even though my brother and parents think I'm one of the cutest girls at school. I guess make up helps, but it doesn't get rid of all the flabbiness.This, down in the bottom here, is my hair before I dyed it completely red. It was pink, blond, black (my natural color), and who knows what else.This is one of my better pictures of it. All of the others I'm wearing clothes that show how fat I am. Yes, I'm listening to my MP3 player here. It's pretty awesome.I look freaking crazy in this picture. Fat and crazy. And I'm wearing my TWLOHA bracelet, so I think this was on one of my bad days or a day after I had cut. And the blow dryer is plugged in. Go figure I would take such a bad picture of me. It's just, I'm not photogenic or whatever the word is(I'm not good with having my picture taken). Now, I'm really hoping I look half decent with my year book photo. Sorry about the crazy set of this post, I just don't know what to do with all these pictures.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The good from 10/10/10

1. Grammy had a working scale
2. 151, enough said.
3. I walked kinda far.
4. It made tonight seem that much cooler.
I spent tonight laughing, singing, and chattering away on facebook. One of my friends (yes, the one from the football game) decided J.R. wears crotch-high boots. He said he was shaking in his boots, so...yeah. Hey, I said thigh-high! BUT we had just been talking about prostitutes. Wow, this post is just...awkward. SO, I'm gonna get off and go to bed because it's about 12AM.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

My fall fashion? Blood stained long sleeves.

Not really, but thats how it feels right now. Today was basically my personal Hell. J.P. and I got into a huge fight. Don't really wanna talk about it, but it was so bad that I got out of the van and walk about a mile. Now...well, I tore up one of the razors I use for shaving (haven't used this one yet so it's still veryy sharp) and so I now have 3 new blades. Sadly, I plan to make use of them.
BUT yesterday I bought I shouldn't stain my shirt.
I've been a bad follower lately and I'm sorry, I've been wrapped up

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I'm setting myself up to fall, I know it.

I know I am, so then why? Last year, I almost hated this kid. Now... I grin when he's around, I wondered what it would be like for him to hug me(found out at the game tonight!), I want to tell him everything...So, I know I'm setting myself up to be hurt.
Alright, dude sits, like, two people behind me in health...and we started ACTUALLY talking this year because we had to go outside for this heartrate bull. I got all up in his personal space without realizing it, so when I looked up his head was, like, right freaking there. So, I did what anyone would do, took a couple steps back and said, "Wayy too close."
Now...the football game tonight...was weird. This dude's timing is just...amazing. Like, I got really down during the game and BAM! there he is, cheering me up on accident. And, and, and gosh. I think I laughed too much. His friends invited themselves to our convo when he was trying to make me feel better(or at least figure out what was up), but it was cool, fun. See, we were all sitting on the ground, our legs crossed, and one took my soda. This part is kinda awkward, but had me giggling. See, the one trying to make me feel better reached into his lap (the one who took my soda) to get it when it was by his feet. So...this caused quite afew gay (I mean no offense, just so you guys know) comments. That was the point where he kinda grinned and said he was sorry for making me deal with them. But it was fine, I needed a laugh and that's what happened!
Honestly, I've felt just amazing for the past few days, today topping all of good that I totally forgot about my eating schedule. Dang. See, this is how I know I'm just gonna come CRASHING down one day...soon, probably.
Okay, I mentioned hugging this dude...gosh. It was... I'll admit, not perfect. I think he only hugged me because he figured he couldn't keep me from doing it. It was awkward, like he didn't get very many hugs from random people, but, I think I was imagining this, almost as if he didn't want to let go. Finally, after about a second, I playfully pushed him away and said, "Now get off me!"
I'm saying this is a crush or love or anything, got that? I'm just saying... I let my walls crumble and this is going to end up in severe pains....but I'm really happy right now. He treats me a lot better than some people in my life and we playfully fight all the now and we have his funeral planned (see what we talk about before health?). And it just seems so easy to, you know, forget all the pains of life when you're so happy. But...It'll end one day, won't it? I'll not be able to take it and I'll scream and yell at him and then ignore him. Yeah, it'll probably be my fault because I swear this kid DOESN'T get mad.
Ohkay, first, he said that I should just forgive J.R. Yeah, like that will happen. Then he just told me I should find different friends because I seem lonely...Sadly, I wasn't. I know, I should've been, but I've gotten so used to being alone nowadays that I didn't even really care...but I can't find new friends...because everyone I would be comfortable with, J.R. is already friends with. So, I guess I'll just float through like this. J.P. has realized how much a brat J.R. is, soo...she's kinda mad at him. Though, it'll past soon. I know it. I mean, I have other friends but they all think J.R. is A-OK except this one, we'll say he's W. W don't like J.R. and who am I to blame him? J.R. has only been a jerk to me recently. I even screamed at him tonight. Can't believe it. But I was just... I was totally ticked off. And it felt freaking great! Haha, he stole like a total girl, like seriously. Hip pushed to the side, hand on that hip, the other kept brushing at his bangs as though they were in his face(they never were). It was so funny, now that I'm looking back on it.
Sorry, I sound like a complete goober through this. I don't mean to, honestly, it just...happened.

Monday, October 4, 2010


They'll be getting out of school soon and some sick part of me is pleased. She'll read my other blog and see what he does. Her illusion that he's a good, decent person should go right out the window! And this pleases me. To no end.
No food for me so far. But I've been fat with my exercises. Only 90 freaking jumping jacks...and that will change. I'll get everything done even if I have to stay up until tomorrow to do it.
I get mean or freaking happy when I'm not eating. But then again, that's what I did yesterday. Let anger just seep from me.
I stayed home from school today, figured everyone needed it to just chill the frick out. Though, I think it should be tomorrow that took off instead. Considering I plan to them anger again tonight. I probably won't so don't worry.
Okay, I'm gonna hop off. BYEE!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

My ACTUAL post for today

Between J.P. and I it's like... it's never been. I trusted her almost completely, now I don't at all. How could I? He's got the gun and I gave her the ammo she gave him. Yet, things are more honest between us. It's obvious she's trying to get me to trust her.
But...that message carved deep, so I'm skipping school tomorrow(with parental permission) and Mom says she's getting me a councelor. Fine by me, just so long as they don't act all buddy-buddy. All my buddies either have hurt me or don't really care. If they act professional, I might just tell them everything. Maybe even pull off my hoodie and show them the cuts and scars, tell them why. Really, this might be good for me...unless someone found out. They would say I'm freaking crazy.
Better than her first segestion, though. Changing schools. I'm bad at making friends. Terrible, really. And I mean, if you change schools mid-semester or mid-year what are they gonna think? Expelled. Even if you're nice and polite they'll think that. Then she said a small Christian school. I've heard about a Catholic school. Heard they all broke the rules because there were just too many. That's teens. Most teens, I mean. Rules are there to be broken. So, I talked her out of it.
That's life currently. Don't know when I'll see someone about all this drama, but I guess I will eventually. Reminds of a song... Well, the chorus.

Haha, my current facebook status:
Please, if you have a problem with me, saying to my face. No, not my facebook, or you friends. My face. Thank you.

That lovely message from J.R.

First, I'm gonna say I didn't block J.P.'s first name because rereading this is too painful and I would have to to find her name. So, here it is. All of it. From beginning to end.

Between You and J.R.
J.R. October 1 at 9:24PM Report
I am really quite sick of your disturbing obsession with Julia. I know everything you say to her. I know that you are angry at her because she will not get rid of me. So you are trying to turn her against me. Is this some sort of game to you? What is your problem. Julia tells me that if she hugs anyone else before she hugs you especially when it comes to me you get really pissed at her.Why? What the hell is wrong with her hugging other people before she hugs you? I am in a relationship with her and that doesn't even bother me the least bit. And I saw the way you looked at me when I went and stood next to Julia and you said " I have to go to tutoring" and rudely walked away. And Julia now tells me that it "physically hurts" you that I am with her. Why? If you are cutting yourself then the only one to blame is you. I did nothing to you I merely stripped away your collapsing illusion. You were afraid. You were afraid that I or anyone else would see through your false appearense and see what you truely are. A sad, psychoctic, obsessive, dangerous girl. And you are afraid someone like me will "steal" Julia away. So the way I see it is you are either a lesbian or you have completely lost your mind. You are an anchor and will drag Julia down. You spread your negativity to others. And why? Because you want someone to either suffer the same fate as you or someone to try and guilt trip. You deserve no sympathy. You are a dangerous human being and your worst enemy is yourself. You need some serious mental help my dear =) .
Me October 2 at 5:25PM Obviously, she doesn't tell you all of it. And, even though I don't really like you, I didn't mean to give you a dirty look. If you asked me to tell you how I felt then (which I know you didn't), I wouldn't be able to give a better answer than "broken and like she would ignore me."
You don't think it, but I do have to fight for her attention when you're around and I just frickin hate it because everyone wants me to be happy for you guys and act like I feel ok. I don't spread my negativity, at least not as much as you think I do.
My cutting is my choice, I know. I'm fine with it, and really wouldn't wish it on anyone. Really, I'm not at all dangerous. Maybe to myself, but not to anyone else.
I get that I'm probably a little crazy. I've got a major fear of abandonment and I cut. Yeah, I gets it I'm crazy. :P I don't want your sympathy. If I did, I would be flashing the cuts and scars, not hiding them. .
J.R. October 2 at 5:28PM Report
So why is it that you don't like me? Because I got the truth out of you of who you really are? Or is it because I am with Julia? .
Me October 2 at 5:34Pm Idk, seeing your face just makes me wanna punch something. And then she freaking expects me to try and hang out with you guys when I'm almost certain she'll totally ignore me. .
J.R. October 2 at 5:37PM Report
So basically you dislike me for no reason...really mature. .
Me October 2 at 5:44am Ohkay, let me think of a're arrogant, annoying, accusing, probably one of the most ignorant people I know,(the ones after this are actual reasons) you don't think of how your actions will bother others, and you just came at me without knowing the whole story.
Honestly, you both act like being mean to me will eventually make me come around. It's freaking stupid. .
J.R. October 2 at 5:53PM Report
No acutally I don't really expect you to come around. Actually I told Julia that if you were bothering her enough that shes hould just leave you behind completely. I wouldn't have actually told her that if it weren't for the fact that she told me that you want her to get rid of me. That and your lesbian-like obsession over her is really scaring her. And "annoying". I fail to see how. The only time I ever even say anything to you is if you are starting your stupid drama. And that is when I confront you. And rightfully so. So I guess anyone that you piss off through out your life must be annoying because they may confront you. I only accuse when I know the facts or if I was mislead. And Julia has told me all I needed to know about all the ignorant drama you start every day of every week. And quite frankly I don't care how my actions may bother you or anyone else. I do not live to please you nor any other person I do not care for. And Ignorant? I call it out. Apparently I smart enough to dig out the truth from your pathedic false image. You are just as ignorant as I. And You are quite insane. If you are in love with Julia just admit it already. And what bugs me about act as if everything is fine and then randomly some week you start this whole drama thing all over again. .
Me October 2 at 5:59PM I don't care that you guys are dating. I care that it made her change completely. I care that I'm expected to be perfectly fine and not at all upset. Honestly, if you weren't such a brat at times like this and actually tried to get info about the actual situation, I would try not to feel like I'm gonna hurl when I'm around you two and only walk off when I actually am being ignored. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:03PM Report
The only thing making her mad and making her ignore you She ignores her because you turn crazy on her. I haven't every told her to do anything to you. I told her when we were still friends that I will not persuade her to do something she doesn,t want to do. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:05PM Report
And how has she changes for the worst? Is the fact that she is happy bother you? Or do you expect her to be a nun her entire life. And stop calling me a brat like you are my parent or something. I am simply confronting you because this whole thing is really starting to piss me off. .
Me October 2 at 6:11PM No, she ignores me even when she isn't mad at me. The fact that she's happy doesn't bother me. The fact that she ignores me does! But like always you only see your point of view. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:12PM Report
You don't know what I see. Don't be a condescending bitch. .
Me October 2 at 6:16PM Obviously I've done something completely unforgivable by trying to firgure out what's up, and if it weren't you, I may say sorry. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:16PM Report
That doesn't explain why you are so obsessive over her. She even told me about you asking how she would react if you told her that you truely love her. What is that about? .
Me October 2 at 6:19PM I was being hypothetical or wondering or whatever. But I have learned never to ask her anything. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:20PM Report
You haven't answered my question. .
J.R. October 2 at 6:25PM Report
Well since you will not answer you obviously are afraid to answer me or you would have no problem answering my question. .
Me October 2 at 6:32PM I did. Obviously you're referring to a question you didn't ask or missesd the answer.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:35PM Report
Why would you ask such an odd and somewhay creepy question? And that wasn't the only thing she had told me. .
Me October 2 at 6:38PM Blah, blah, blah, she told you everything, blah, blah, blah. I didn't think she would mind and I was wondering. She should've told me herself if she did
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:39PM Report
She didn't tell me everything. None of you ever have told me the full story on anything. She also told me you wouldn't mind hanging out with us if she held you hand. ????????? .
Me October 2 at 6:42PM Physical anchor to keep me from running away and I meant once, but it doesn't matter, she doesn't have time for me.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:46Pm Report
And she never will. As long as you keep up your phsyco behavior she will always cast you out. She may even try and sort things out with you now. But you always take the wrong approach and yell at her. And don't say you don't because she just told me you called her freaking out. If you are going to be a bitch to her just leave her the hell alone. And what would you need to run away from? We are talking about going over and talking to people not petting a lion. .
Me October 2 at 6:51Pm I called and yelled, I didn't mean to, I just didn't want to seem like an idiot for crying on the phone and I called back and said sorry. Despite what you both think I dont mean to be a bad person. You try being completely alone or even told you're horrible when all you want to do is curl up and cry.
And trust me, it doesn't seem like that to you, but it does to me
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:53Pm Report
How are you alone? Who calls you horrible? You tell me all these things yet you don't give me any examples. .
Me October 2 at 6:56PM You have practically been doing it this whole time. Julia treats me wanting to know what's going on as a horrid crime even if I'm not yelling. And how am I not alone? I don't have anyone close to me that I can tell anything!
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 6:59PM Report
I never once called you horrible nor thought it. I think you are acting over-dramatic and crazy. You don't ever no whats going on? Ha thats a laugh. And you do have your family. Your first friends. .
Me October 2 at 7:01PM I don't. and no, I can't talk to them about anything. Saying I'm obsessive, phyco, and dangerous certainly sounds like horrible.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:06PM Report
No calling you horrible would mean that I would hate you. And I do not hate you. And why can't you talk with your family? .
Me October 2 at 7:09PM You don't have to hate someone to think they're horrible. Haha, how could I talk to them?
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:10PM Report
Just talk. .
Me October 2 at 7:13PM Oh yeah, "hey, mom, quit working on your degree, we need to talk about me cutting" would just go over grandly.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:14PM Report
I am sure your parents would find some time to talk about your health. And yes cutting is a health problem. .
Me October 2 at 7:16PM Yeah right after they threw me into the asylum and ignored me for years.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
J.R. October 2 at 7:18PM Report
Well being as obsessive as you are you obviously have some sort of mental issue. Though I do not know your parents I don't think they think of you as so worthless as to throw you in an asylum and forget about you. .
Me October 2 at 7:21PM Yeah, I never had attention. Ever since I was 18 months old and I had someone I never thought would leave and now I'm freaking alone!
J.R. October 3 at 7:18PM Report
Life will not always be a pleasent trip. You loose people. It just happens. And you haven't even lost Julia...yet. And you do have other friends you know. Like Anna and L.S.. And I am qute sure your parents aren't emotionless pigs towards you. I think you are just way to dramatic. In fact I know you are.
Me October 3 at 8:24pm Then you'll be able to deal with me saying this perfectly, shut up, I'm freaking sick of hearing your bull crap. If Julia had something to say to me, she should've done it herself, but thanks for waking me up to the fact that I can't trust my best friend. ^^

So, yeah, it's long but that's it. Now, if I refer to it, you'll know what I mean. Sorry, but I'm not gonna give out a link to J.R.'s facebook so anyone can yell at him(who would want to?) mainly because he lives too close to me and I don't want stalkers.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Adrenaline. Caffeine. Green Tea. Melatonin. Wait, what?

Gosh, I'm so tired, but I feelike I'll forget if I don't type this up now. I thought J.P. and I would start fighting again and so I got my green tea, drank some flat soda, cut, and took less than a miligram of melatonin. I can't imagine taking the whole 3 mg pill!
Well, we didn't fight, but we did come to terms. I can talk to her about feeling boarderline depressed(because she's been here) if I don't flip out at her a lot and I can trust her a little more. But I think I ruined that. I'll say why soon.
I got a lovely(not) message on facebook from J.R. telling me J.P. told him a lot of our personal convos. I think I'll post it on here in the morning when I'm not so groggy.
So, why do I think I messed it up? I said I might "heart chuu" (sounds like a sneeze). She sent me a message with lots of periods on it to which I replied, "that sounds like a sneeze" or something to that effect. She hasn't replied so I sent one saying I was just kidding. Why did I bring it up? It was the orginal topic.
Gosh, it's freaking me out that she hasn't rplied. Like she's going off and telling him... and then he'll use it to make me feel like crap one day.
Okay, I ate today. Bad girl, bad. Now, I'm gonna wash me face and go to bed, maybe.