Monday, May 31, 2010

I'm Choking On Glass Again

Dude to the fact it's summer, I've been...eating less. Haha. Well, I was eating less. Now, it's back to normalish and I've noticed. I'm left sucking in my tummy just a little. Actually, I'm kinda happy to be choking on glass. My pants are baggier! Yep, I'm using choking on glass as my own little phrase. I remember being little and thinking that people who starved themselves to get tiny were stupid. Honestly, I think it's because I've been around my dad too much that I don't still think like that. Maybe it's because I'm getting to the point where I'm one of them, eh? I love that fact that I can hide it very easily, too. It's easy, mainly, because all attention is elsewhere. The little thirteen year old gets very little attention in this house. Also, my friends aren't around to make me feel pressured into eating. Haha, I feel like I'm such a bad kid these days to myself. Whatever, you know, dude? There's too much to worry about when you're trying to live up to friends' expectations. I don't miss them right now. Actually, I miss one named the Lily mostest. When I think of her, I'm left hoping that she's enjoying summer. It's funny how she's not my best friend and I'm doubting she would agree with how I treat myself. So, I choke on glass in silence while missing this friend of mine.
Stay strong, believe in what you're doing, do what you believe in,

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I'm utterly starved....

That's probably an overstatement, but I am fairly hungry and have zip desire to do anything about it. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I know I'll eat a load tomorrow because I always do when I go on a road trip with my mom. I think I'm going crazy because I also wanted to cut today. I wanted, in every way, to hurt myself. Maybe I'm just not right. Haha, what does it matter, eh? It's summer, I can do what I want!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Today has been Crazy

I've been wearing a fingerless glove to cover up old cuts that have yet to heal. One of my friends pulled it up and saw them. He seemed to have a kinda freak out. I know he saw them, he even hissed my name at me, but we haven't spoken of it. It's crazy, but I think that he totally forgot. What kills me is that he isn't one of my closest friends. I... haven't actually told anyone. The one I call best friend, she makes me think that she believed my lies. She saw them once, when I first did it. I got careless, thought they were invisible to those who didn't know where to look. She saw them and asked about them. I said they were nothing and for a few more hours, she seemed worried, but didn't say anything else. Since then, I've had some deeper cuts, and more than have are on my feet, easier to hide. Maybe I should tell someone, but I feel as though all of my friends would overreact to it or completely push me away. Honestly, I wish I had someone to just kick back and talk to without being worried about being judged.
Actually, I wanna cut deeper. It doesn't scare me, the thought of it. It actually...excites me which is totally weird, I know. Oh, these lyrics are soooo me, I think. "Her friends tell her that they love but she knows its a lie
cause everytime she cries out...they float in the sky" It can be found here. Yeah, I'm bouncing around on thoughts tonight. Well, that's all I really have to say, actually. Night.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dearest Ana,

I messed up. 264 calories AND solid foods. I know, I should've been stronger, tougher. I wish I was walking around town instead of writing this to you on my phone. My friend ruined it when she had me get into their van after school. I was getting used to it and it was getting easier. Now I am going nuts.

Truly sorry,

I almost told my friend this...

This kid at school broke apart one of the hand-held pencil and gave me one of the blades. My friend cut her arm with it because I had it in my pocket and let her see it. SO, she wanted it back. I said no and almost added, "You never trust a cutter with something sharp. You might not be, but youve done it once, you might do it again."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I'm not going to slip up, not going to eat a solid thing until after school ends. I'm going to be more active. When my mother asks? I have decided that fasting and praying is the only way, right now, that I can get closer to God. Meaning, I'm going to restrict myself to only 170 calories. I've thought it all over and over and over. I seems near fool proof. Tomorrow will be Day One because I've already broken it today. What will I tell my friends? The same bull about "getting closer to God". Actually, I need a better excuse because they all know I am Christian, but they've seen how...odd and out there I am. By the way, this is mainly an experiment. School ends, for the summer, on May 25.
On other news, I have not cut once since... the last time I did. Haha, nice way to keep track, right? I'm always still nervous about going to school after opening myself up. I found my wristband! Woo! It's not odd for me to suddenly wear wristbands and fingerless gloves because before I even thought about touching a sharp objects against myself, I did.
It's almost as though I AM the recipe for suicide. Admitting all this, though, it makes it easy, almost fun. Life's gonna be tough. Stay strong, believe in what you're doing, do what you believe in. That's gonna be my motto now. YUP! Haha.

Yes, It Hurts

New cuts on my wrist are done from last night. They shouldn't matter, but they do. The itching is nearly unbareable, the pain from itching worse. Last night, nothing actually happened for this to happen. Nothing should've set it off. Yet it happened. Five dainty cuts appeared. Maybe it's not right, but it makes sense. Some how. To my loving mind it makes cruel sense. Nothing else can I control, it seems.
I feel as though if I quit eating, like I've been on the edge of doing, no one but this lovely girl would notice. I feel ugly, fat, uncureable. I feel worse than if I were cancer. Why? No clue!
I must be going to bed. Test tomorrow. Ugh. Summer break soon, though. My best friend. Haha.