Sunday, October 28, 2012

I am so sorry for posting about cutting realy bad and not keeping you guys updated.

I'm alright, by the way.
I didn't ever get stitches, and it's healing up very nicely.
I'm going to have a scar, yes.
A big one.
That I'll have trouble explaining.
Currently, I keep antibiotics and a bandage on it. No one asks about it, though I'm sure they all assume.
It was freeing.
To cut.
Not that deep.
Just to do it.
So lately I've been making those like "friendship bracelet" things.
I made myself and EDNOS one because...I'm tired of being fat, again.
I know, I just need to get over it.
Eat, exercise, sleep, homework, go to school, wake up somewhere in between sleeping and going to school, hang out with friends, be human, talk.
Only I don't want to eat or talk or hang out with anyone who doesn't understand and will let me enjoy my destruction.
I don't want to hang out with anyone who doesn't know what it feels like to not be able to slip too easily into threes, who doesn't understand why being dizzy and light-headed is a blessing, who complains when they're hungry rather than grinning to themselves, who doesn't get why gaining weight is a loss, even if they're still at a healthy weight.
My mind has been racing.
I haven't gotten enough sleep in so long because they doubled my lexapro.
Why couldn't the unhungriness stay around? Why couldn't it have gotten worse with the uppage of dose instead of getting better?
I've started drinking a lot of coffee. Coffee is like...amazing.
Good description.
I'm in a really good mood. Coffee and hunger's fault.
I have a chick-crush on this chick.
The one with the tie on.
Like I think she's so cute.
I wish I could look like that.

I wish I could have the attitude that seems to come off her, too.
I think J.P. and I would look so much more boss if I could look like that.
Oh! Speaking of J.P., I have the cutest picture of her on my phone. She's got my cousin's hamster in a little bowl thing and the smile on her face is to die for. The lighting is beautiful. I love it.
Yeah, we went four and half hours away from my house to see my cousins.
My mom got lost and even though we left at six in the evening, it took us until almost eleven the next day to get there.
Don't worry, about eleven at night we got a hotel room and went to sleep because my mom was almost asleep anyway.
Then after hanging out and seeing that my cousin is so much more artistic than I am, watching Madagascar three, finishing a bracelet, hanging out with a hamster, realizing that my aunt misses my older cousin who's in the army getting some training done, watching my younger cousin play Skyrim (I wanna play now!), we left to get supper with my older brother. I'm pretty sure his eating is disordered too.
We went to Denny's and the staff was all super nice even though the ones we interacted with were toward the end of their shifts so they were all really tired. I made the mistake of getting eggs and waffles.
On the way home I told J.P. how awful I felt.
Well, I didn't really tell her. I didn't feel like speaking at all.
I told her I felt gross, mentally and physically.
She promised we'd make time to exercise from now on.
I wonder if she hopes that will keep from not eating.
Oh for those of you wondering, I got an eighty percent one my second A.P. History test.
Which is a C at my school.
But it's better than most of the people in my A.P. class.
Made me feel boss.
Now, I'm going to attack you guys with pictures because I'm just in a picture kind of mood.
Not of me.
I'm too flubby.
Now, I'm going to go take a shower before I have to go get J.P. from work.

Thank you, Rachael, for all of the advice. I'm hoping nothing like this will happen again. It was very scary.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Cut really bad for the first time basically ever

Did you know bread knives are super sharp?
Cause I didn't think they would be.
I'm gonna have my mom look at it. She's a nurse.
I freaked out when I saw how much it was bleeding.
Then I forced myself to calm down.
Freaking out means not thinking clearly and the heart pumping faster.
Once I quit freaking out, I grabbed the shirt we used to keep my shirt safe when we dyed my hair purple yesterday. (Ok, I was still kinda freaking out)
Then I started looking up ways to make it quit online. It just wasn't stopping.
They suggested warm salt water and a using a tea bag.
I did both.
The salt water didn't seem to be helping.
The tea bag helped it finish quit.
J.P. is going to be freaking out.
I freaked out one of her friends by saying that I was dying (I thought I was). Then calmed him down when I said that it quit bleeding.
What kind of idiot cuts the back of their wrist?
Me. It probably saved my butt though. It looks really bad, but since it quit, I'd guess it's not too bad.
Now, I'm going to run to my car, grab my backpack so that when my mom wakes me up at eleven I won't have to do it then.
Then I'm going to bed.