Yes, That's Me.

The heading is me, or at least it's my tummy. Some of you are looking at it going, "Could be worse." I'm looking at it going, "No, No, no!!" I hate how my tummy is. Sure, I USED to be fine with it, but my dad, who I used to be really close to, has called me fat so many times that I can't stand seeing pictures of me. Sorry it's not a super meaningful picture or anything. Just me, wearing Alice with a used to be tick bite. Yeah, that little red spot is from where I tore off a tick yesterday. I clawed at my skin because I didn't think I got the head of it out. And then there's that random freckle. I don't know how it got there, but yes, that's a very out of place freckle. UGH, I look pregnant! Just so you know, I'm not. Just a little (seriously) fat. Anyway, yes, that is a pic of me taken by me because none of my friends would probably be willing to take a side shot of my flab. I wish we had a scale somewhere in the house that I could use, but everyone else here is fat(or fatish) or they just don't care. That's what I want. Then, I could monitor myself.
Gosh, I'm posting a lot tonight, but maybe I just feel extra crazy today. I would be flashing around a pic of the writing and cutting I've done the past two days, but that's kinda high up on my legs. I might just because I can. Haha. For me, these cuts are strength and weakness all rolled up into one. I don't mind admitting that I've got weaknesses.
OH! Plan for tomorrow! I'll, probably, wake up around seven when everyone decides to go to work and instead of just rolling over and going to sleep again, I think I'll get up and take my MP3 player and walk around town for a while. Maybe...until nine if I can! Haha! Naturally, I'll take my phone, and text my friend while doing this so that I'm not totally bored. Even though it's not really a work out, it's the best I've done since the first week of summer. That first week of summer I was soo... motivated. Now, though, I don't feel motivated. I just feel kinda empty. It's because of my friends being themselves and disappointing me. I don't mean to sound so... like I expect them to be what I want. I'm sure they'll all be shocked to know how I slice myself open just because I wanna. There is something wrong with me. I just love the way it hurts for a little while and then I love just watching the blood. And then it scars for a while, a reminder that I messed up again.
Speaking of, I've messed up yet again. I've carved into my legs exactly how I feel. On each leg, it says FAT and on my Right thigh it says Ugly and is probably the deepest. I don't really mind. Actually, I feel detached from the whole thing even though I do feel what I carved into my legs, but really it just seems like another reason to sit around in my undies. Alright, here's the score so far. Me= 0 Urges= 4 Woo? Gosh, maybe I'm just going nuttie. Anyway, I think I'm gonna aim for some sleep tonight.

With Love,
Ixia

P.S. I honestly think I'm super fat. I would much rather be tiny. Teenie tiny. When I walk into a room, I feel like I'm so huge that they all just have to...stare.