UGH!!

Eff food, eff me, eff everything! I probably had close to 800 calories today. Yeah, I'll admit to it. Sure, that's not horribly terrible, but it is when you're shooting for only 500 on your good days and I totally thought today was going to be one! I'm sooo tempted to stay up until everyone goes to bed because the only thing I've DONE today is, like, 10 push ups! Sadly, I can't. Movie tomorrow at 10. Haha, my life likes 10's it seems. So, I'm waking up at 8:30 because my ride is going to be here at 9-9:30. Yes, in the morning. And while it is just my friend and we'll be in a movie theater, I'm going to be... well, hehe, me. A couple bows that I got for my birthday, pigtails with some bangs out so my face looks less fat, some eye make up, some powder. Probably will be too tired and will do just the hair crap, but still. Yeps, I'm not a morning person. Mornings and I are like... a chocolate, caramel, cake, ice cream mixture. Not good. I should soo be asleep right now because of my hatred for mornings, but lack of sleep excites me. Which sounds weird, but even before I started waking up 2-3 times before I would crawl out of bed, I loved not sleeping well. It numbed everything if I worked it right.
Actually, I think this past year, I've been looking for someway to control something in my life. Toward the end of May, everything got all messed up. My dad, without anyone except himself behind him on this decision, move my 21 year old, nonverbal (and autistic, I thinks) brother in. Everyone of us acts like it doesn't matter, but my 17, almost 18, year old brother, Andrew is gone more, my 19 year old brother hates coming home from college, and I just hate being here without music. But sometimes, all it leaves me wondering if what I'm doing is just a cry for attention....then I mentally slap myself and tell myself, "You've gone this long without loads of attention. This is not for THEM! It's for you, us, ME!" Yeah, I sometimes think of myself in plural. It's kinda weird even for me.
Haha, sometimes, I imagine my mom seeing the thinspo I look at. I imagine her asking how I can see beauty in them.Anytime I imagine this, I imagine replying, "Because they have control of what they eat where I lack it." and that reply feels right. No, it doesn't sound right, it feels it. Which means more.



And this one just because I feel like I can relate.


Goodnight. Stay strong, it will pay off.