While yesterday was probably the best day I've had, ever, today is crap. Pure crap. Really early today, I, guess, I went on a total, freaking binge. While yesterday, I only had, like, 357, today I've already had 697. I mean, honestly! RAWG!! And me, being the total, effing, lazy brat I am is sitting, typing this ALL up. You would think I could be doing something productive, like walking around town for an hour. Sigh.
Honestly, I'm feeling pretty lonely. My phone WAS going off, like, all day, but now...nothing. Not one call or text from any of the people I say are friends. I don't try to feel lonely about this. I mean, I could text them and they would probably reply, but I get anxiety problems when I think about texting anyone. Speaking of my anxiety problems when I text or comment on anything, I put a comment on one of my favorite blogs, but even now I feel as though it pales in comparison to the others. The more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if I should've done it. Yeah, probably. I need to break out of this shell that I've been in since I was, what?, five? I'm so effing timid around people that when I check out and I'm in the middle of conversation, I go silent, which is pretty bad.
OKAY, getting OFF the subject of my social awkwardness... I feel like crap. Maybe what I really need is a nice shower, a comb through my pretty, pink head, and a long trip to the mall. We don't even need to buy anything. The excited feel I get from the place makes me happy and excited, just we can't take my dad or oldest brother. They make the trips unfun. I'll even do my hair up in cute little piggietails. Gosh, I need to stop fantasizing about nice, long, fun trips to the mall where we're not really thinking about food, but more on what we'll buy and walking around like we own the freaking place... Yeah, I really need a distraction from...well, life. I think I might take a nap...Heheh, maybe even sleep through supper. GAH! Like I said, I need a total distraction. Maybe going to Wal-Mart? Not as fun as the mall, but still fun. Dang... I want coffee or soda or something caffeinated that isn't tea because tea really, actually, kinda tastes bad. I could be doing something productive instead of blogging about my personal life, but yet here I am, wishing I were somewhere else.
OH!! One of my friends used to be my personal thinspiration and then I realized something... She's not that thin or that pretty. Sure, she's below an average weight, but she isn't really pretty unless she totally tries, but she rarely tries at all. She once told me that the doctor told her to eat more. She told me what she didn't want to tell him, "I eat just fine, I'm just not hungry." Big. Effing. Lie. I've heard her stomach growl and then heard her say that she wasn't.actually. hungry. Bull.
See, some of you are going "TURN BACK NOW!" but I do this without conscious effort anyway, why not embrace it? It's a part of me, of who I've become over the years. Yet I say that and hide it from my friends. Well, if they're as observant as they act they'll notice eventually... and then they'll try to talk me out of it to which my reply can be the middle finger. To me, it's just another part of who I am, to them, it's something you hear as a cause of death or something. Our school did crap about EDs. They...didn't (I think) talk about them. Now, thanks a lot me, I want my friend Taylor to text me, but I would probably tell her everything. Not like she can't find it all on the internet now. Actually, she probably wouldn't. Talking to Taylor's gonna be my one, fatal mistake one of these days. Personally, I don't want that, but really, I feel too comfortable with telling her things about me. Maybe because she swears she'll always be here for me. GAH!! Now I really wanna talk to her. Get. On. Myspace. Ho.
Okay, I'm going to get off before I say something really stupid.
With HUGE AMOUNTS OF LOVE,
Ixia.
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