Ever be able to accomplish something GREAT and be able to look at J.R. and J.P. and say, "I guess I never needed you to begin with!"?
Will I ever be able to accomplish something and look at them and go, "Yep, that character is how I was after you two mentally screwed with me! Now I'm ok, so you can just drop dead. Kthxbai."?
Will I ever be back to normal?
Will I ever quit cutting or wanting to?
Will I be able to stand and not shake?
Will I not lie when I say I'm fine, ever?
Will I... Will I ever be good enough for myself to like?
Will I dance to my own song when I'm finally free of this small town?
Will I be able to be better?
Right now, I'm scared of them and myself.
Right now, I'm scared to move forward.
But, I always tell myself that I'm getting stronger.
I'm not REALLY stuck.
I'm getting better.
Sure, we all slip. But I'm getting better. My cutting is less. I'm getting better. Who cares if I skip most meals most days? I'm getting better. The cutting is less. Doesn't that mean I'm betterish? There's nothing wrong with a fourteen-year-old wanting to be smaller. It's cutting that says something is wrong.
Ok, let's quit lying.
I'm not getting better.
Screw you who want me to be perfectly fine.
I'm taking my medicine, cuttin, and going to bed.
Well, first there's a song I wanna listen to.
"And Annie don't be shy here
Annie please don't cry here"
Aw, what a lovely song. That's my second part. MY first favorite part is:
"They took her moments of feeling alive
And made them moments of dying inside
She needed someone to scream her name
To take her pain and it's why I screaming"
It's lovely. Very lovely. But it doesn't make me feel any prettier to listen to it.
OH, look, song's over.
Bedtime.
Night. :)
One day you will accomplish something great, and JR and JP will see how strong and amazing you can be without them. Don't be scared to move falward, change is good and it might help you?
ReplyDeleteYou dont have to be fine, but I think the fact you're not cutting as much shows you are getting a bit better :)
Those lyrics are lovely, what's the name of the song?
Stay strong,
Lottie x
What's the name of that song? It's hard to stop cutting. And it just takes time. So just when you want to cut wait 5 minutes and then maybe you won't want to any more and maybe you will still want to. But you were able to control the impulse. Then after a while try to go 10 min then 15. It'll help you feel more in control of the cutting. You don't have to quit if you don't want to. But you need to control the cutting and not let it control you. And you can do the same thing with food. If you think you're hungry wait five minutes before just grabbing whatever and you may decide you aren't hungry or that a different food is a better choice. Helps to prevent binges some. Then after a while wait 10 and keep going. It will give you strength. You will be in control 100%. You can do it. You can become someone JR and JP are envious of.
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