I feel great.

I feel really strong. Like for real! Kinda sweaty, though. Just got done exercising.
Today's been alright. I woke up around 11 and started exercising. I figure 40 minutes is a good stopping place.
OH! I went for a run! Like outside! I feel fat, though, because I think I only ran for 3 minutes. :(
Ok! Time for a super healthy breakfast/brunch. ^^ I think it'll be yogurt (90) and half a serving of almond milk (45) and loads of water!
Thenn~ I think I'll exercise my belly. Or maybe I'll do that before. Also, I have another day of walking around, not eating because it's so dang expensive. In the mud. I think that causes for use of more energy..?
Scale says 150. Need to change that because less than 5 months ago I was 136. Only, I don't think anything but my stomach looks bigger and I'm not pregnant because I just got my period (and I'm completely a virgin).
Okk~ you guys, I'm gonna go! Have a lovely day!!

Mom got me a fitness mag.

And I feel bad because the people in it make me want to be tiny. Not "fit" even. Just...tiny.
Scale says 150. Soooo I'm doing what I should have ages ago, start running (along with other exercises). And the shorts and tank top I got today will modivate me because I wanna look good in them.
Today, I walked around for hours (on muddy ground!), danced to the music playing, and only had a green tea from 5 to 10 PM. I'm proud of myself. Then, I came home, had a doughnut and some milk, BUT I did exercise for about 30 minutes after that. :P Yeah! I may have done really bad, but I'm cool with it.

Americaneaglelove, you should have a good day too! :)

Alright, one in the morning=past bedtime. Goodnight. :)

I talked to Mommy last night.

I didn't yell. I didn't scream. I didn't have to. I did cry, though.
She told me she just didn't know what to do about the situation. We would have to move out. That's her only solution. She hates that this situation hurts us, but anytime she tried to do anything Dad got worse.
I love both of my parents, but this situation is driving me nuts. I want to leave. Mom says we might, in August, when she gets her student loans for that semester. That would be nice. Rent a house for a little while. She told me that if I really want this, I'll have to decide what I wanna keep, what I don't want to keep, and we'll put what I want in some tubs and just up and leave one day. Though... I can't help but think that Dad would be sad.
Ok, well, I need to go to bed. Nightie night! :)

I shaved my arms today.

I've had hairy arms since I was about ten. They hid scars well, but they were also a huge insecurity of mine. So I shaved them. I did really well, if I say so myself (and I do). Around my wrists, I didn't do as well as on the rest of my arms. I think I was scared I'd cut them.
My mom tried to be funny, or something, I think. She said, "Maybe this will take the place of cutting!" And I felt like I had swallowed a lot of ice and it felt like my stomach had clenched up. I'm proud, though, of myself because I kept smiling and laughed. Want me to not cut, Mommy? Don't pull the bullshit you did tonight where C can throw a HUGE ASS fit, but I'm the one getting yelled at for yelling at him. I get yelled at for snapping at him because YOU'RE NOT TAKING CARE OF THE PROBLEM. I get yelled at because I CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCKIN HOUSE ANYMORE!!
The "grown-ups" in this house don't have everyone's best interest in mind. If they did, their fourteen-year-old daughter wouldn't have seen her 20-something, non-verbal, autistic, blah, blah, blah half-brother's dick! She wouldn't NEED a lock on her door because she's afraid of that same person walking in on her when she's got her underwear off. She wouldn't be afraid that he'd just stand there and stare. She wouldn't know that no one would do anything about it if it did happen.
She wouldn't feel like home is suffocating. HEY, MAYBE she wouldn't CUT. MAYBE IF YOU GAVE A FUCKIN DAMN SHE WOULD HAVE A SELF-ESTEEM! How about that?! Actually CARING, though? For your daughter who has NO apparent mental problems!? WHAT!? Have I gone mad to even think such a thing!?! Yeah, because once upon a time, I was cared about and that's what makes EVERYTHING so horrible. If I didn't know what it felt like to be cared about, I wouldn't be able to miss the feeling.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't make you guys read through this, and I shouldn't blame just my family. It's just... I so wanna leave this house. Maybe it's having my eye-virginity taken that has me so shaken up, but I mean really, this isn't the first time he's walked around naked. Just the first time I saw anything. Why did I look up from the computer screen? I'm sure that if I bother my parents with it, they'll warp it to be my fault.

Yeah, my ankle's alright, Americaneaglelove, but it'll probably scar. And I'm writing a story, which doesn't really have a name right now, because eventually I wanna be an author. I've had a few of you tell me I shouldn't cut, that I don't deserve to, but I think if you knew more about me you wouldn't think that. Also, it's just a lot of emotions that boil over and feel the need to be expressed.

Ok, I think I'm gonna go and tell my mom that I CUT BECAUSE FOR THE PAST ALMOST THREE YEARS MY NERVES HAVE BEEN ON FUCKIN EDGE AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH A 14 YEAR OLD CAN TAKE!!!! Only, I won't cuss. Because Mommy doesn't know I cuss and I don't think I can be her little girl if she did. ALL OF THIS is for control. ALL OF THIS is me going "UH, hey, I EXIST AND NEED SOMETHING TO CHANGE!!" ALL OF THIS IS ME SCREAMING FOR SOMEONE TO REALIZE THAT I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!!
Calm, calm, calm. Okay, now go, find Mommy. Go on, Alex. Go tell her.
Alright, NIGHTIE NIGHT!~ ^^

I cut my ankle last night.

I didn't really remember doing it this morning. Didn't really remember until I saw my pillow where I keep my razor.
Today was alright. State testing from 8:15 to 12:50 only the room I was in got done around 11:30. We watch an episode of The Simpsons and then we watched Tom and Huck. It was actually a really good movie.
Then I got home. Hid in my room after Mom went back to bed. Wrote some. Went to the potty and danced in front of the mirror. I looked good while moving. Maybe it's this shirt. It's J.P.'s purple Vlad Tod vampire smiley shirt and it's baggy. Now... I feel blank again. Maybe I should try writing more on my story that I'm working on? I'll feel productive at least.
Is it sad that at night I get so lonely that the shadows seem to move? I don't really think it is, but then again I'm not exactly...normal in any sense.
Hum... I think I will write some more. Maybe on a different idea. :) Maybe I'll write one loosely based on my life..? I dunno. BUT I will find something to do!

It's 1:30 in the morning and I feel...

Blank.
Guilty.
Drained.
I had to remind myself that Peanut Butter, who is more than a friend, who is basically my sister, attempted suicide because of me. She went through so much pain because of me. J.P. said that Peanut Butter called her a whore and I was cold to her. I was mean. She cried because of me.
Why doesn't J.P. have to deal with guilt? I feel like I should cut my very heart out and give it to her, saying sorry one more time. I shouldn't still feel bad, she says she's forgiven me. Maybe that makes it worse for me. I'm used to someone holding it against me.
I tried to talk to Mom about it, hoping it would help. Not when her attention is on her paper. I still feel aweful.

Thanks, Rachael. I'll try to believe in myself more.

OK, I really need sleep. Night...

staying home, doctor, family fights

My dad was screaming at my mom because she was gonna make him take me to the doctor. So instead of writing her paper, she has to take me to the doctor (he threw a fit about that too).
I've had 215 calories because I feel like Imma gonna puke. Mom stopped at Dollar General and got these TINY animal crackers and each one is less than 2 calories.
Lottie, Illinois is a state in America. It's uhh...Northernish. And that would make so much more sense! We, apparently, don't have a set size. Grumble, grumble.
Kes, I've never gone anywhere other than Illinois unless it was to stay with family, so I've never had that problem. Lol, it sounds really frustrating, though.

Later:
Got my period.
Found out I'm 146. 14-Fuckin-6. I'm a fattie.
I've probably eaten 460 calories.
Tomorrow, I get to wake up early and take STATE TESTIN! FRICK. I just wanna sleep tomorrow.
Alrighty, so I need to run into DG and buy stuff to take care of my first problem, then find a crummy bathroom and ACTUALLY take care of the problem. Hey, maybe I can talk her into giving me cash and letting me go in and I can pick up something to help me shrink...
Sorry, I'm desperate. I'm going up instead of down. I'm over 140. 140 is my, ok you can relax a little, you're not fat, chubby but not fat mark. So I'm freaking out.
Shouldn't eat anymore.
Should go on a run.
Reality, though, is that I'll eat, won't go on a run, and will blame it on being sick.

Supposed to fast today, but I feel like crap and am not pushing my luck.

Got my paper done, though (even if my mom did write some of it).
Ate like a fat bitch.
Need sleep, but I figured you were worth a post.
Did some of my laundry today, so I'll maybe have some shirts to wear tomorrow.
Um...
COMMENT TIME!

I don't know if I'm over-exaggerating or not, but it seems like a lot of people are against it when you come from a small town in Illinois, Lottie. And you know, I never think of it as how many pants sizes I've lost because America's weird, and the teen chick pants sizes are all...odd numbers, while the ones made for older chicks are even numbers. If you tell me that's how it is every where, I'm gonna feel stupid because I find it really weird.

Americaneaglelove, I'm glad I gave you a pleasant surprise! And thank you, I think it'll be quite lovely...when I actually get time to sit down and make it. Haha.

Okay, I feel like shit (like, so bad that crap doesn't cover it anymore) so I'm gonna go to beddie bye and try not to die of a coughing fit. I REALLY hope I get a fever and don't have to go tomorrow, honestly.

I know, I said I was going to bed, butttt....

I was captivated.
This post has inspired me. I won't act on it right now, but in the morning I'm gonna myself a bracelet. A reminder to quit fuckin up. It'll be the shades of pink that I have, black, and gray because I would label myself EDNOS (if I wasn't in denial right now). Ask me in person what it means and I'll say breast cancer awareness. You won't believe me, probably, because I'm a bad liar.
Okay, now for REAL, time to get my dance song and then CRASH. I'm so tired.

This paper deserves more time and a less sickly me.

In two nights, I pulled twenty resources out of no where, basically. I'm sure some of them repeat what others say. It's a broad, worldly matter that I should have devoted more time to. Honestly, I feel bad that I didn't.
But what really ticked me off was that my dad asked what I was researching. No, it wasn't that he asked, it was HOW he asked. "What ya researching? Gays? Fags?" Like, he had to correct himself. It just ticked me off. How in the world are you supposed to believe a family will at least accept you if you come out and tell them you're bisexual? My dad's the least religious, other than myself, I suppose, in the household (actually, sometimes he's the most)! My older brother, B, seems like he's upset with me for writing a paper on same-sex unions (I got my wording right, Lottie. ^^) even though it's not a persuasive paper! I'm not telling the teacher he should be for or against them. I'm restating facts. Like as of June first of this year, same-sex couples will be able to have a legal union in Illinois (sorry for my icky wording, it's the first time I've thought of writing/typing that up in a non-word-for-word-straight-from-the-article way.). I'm so proud of my state now (though I'm betting once B gets word of this, he'll be happy that he lives in Indiana most of the time).
Which reminds me of this lesbian couple at school. To be honest, everyone says that they're a gross group and they shouldn't make out in front of everyone (like EVERYONE else does), but I'm proud of them. They're the only public, not-heterosexual couple we have. I know they're getting a lot of crap because they're so sexually attracted to one another and because one's really thin and pretty while the other is not so thin (but still really pretty) which makes me even happier for them. To be honest, I wish that my relationship with J.P. hadn't been behind closed doors when I see them together.
Oh, oh, I've been reflecting on my past relationships (all two of them!) and now that I'm a few months older and wiser, I kinda regret them. I kinda regret that I let my ex-boyfriend be my first kiss. I regret telling J.P. that I loved her. I really regret being a complete slut with her. BUTTT~~ I don't regret kissing her. That way, if her or J.R. ever piss me off, I can grin and just go, "So? I made out with J.P.." It may not bother J.R. so much now, but J.P. I know would be upset if that ever got around. But, yeah, I kinda wish that I had kissed someone who meant a little more to me. My first boyfriend was kinda just someone to have on my arm, someone who I had kinda been scared to shatter his heart by saying we weren't dating because he was fun to be around and I was pretty depressed. Though I want another boyfriend/girlfriend now. I don't care which, so long as they realize relationships and love have lost a lot of meaning to me and that I'm just doing it for fun (and that connection you get when you're dating). I don't want sex, just to feel alive and to have fun and to...go out and do something during the week. How do people do it? Continually have a boyfriend. Eveen my friend who's kinda fat, but has a nice face does that. I've only had a boyfriend and then MONTHS later, a girlfriend. Imma feeling unloved.
Okay, more about my dad and how he just gets under my skin. He said my cousin G, who I always forget is about four years older than me (we just seem so close in age!), fits into a size five. My dad's told me how fat I am for year, since I was eight, so I said I fit into a size three (and I quote, "These are size threes, Aeropostale size threes so you know they're made smaller than normal ones"). Guess what he told me? I'm still too pudgey to be a model. I mean, really! Your daughter goes from a size nine to a three in less than a year, maintains a weight of about 140, and you say she's too fat to be a model!? The FUCK is wrong with you!? Sorry, I'm tired, my head hurts, and my tummy hasn't been full since three this afternoon (an hour away from twelve hours, though I did have a small snack), so I'm overreacting to crap.

No, I didn't self-dye my hair, americaneaglelove. I never do anymore. Not after I only got half my head bleached one time. And if I had showed them anything other than a healthy example and they followed it (even though most of them were older than me) I wouldn't be able to stand the thought of it. This aunt and her kids haven't seen me since the Christmas before last, so that was when I was still fat. They didn't get to watch as the weight progressively fell off or else they wouldn't say that I looked so great. My grandma, on the other hand, is worried about an eating disorder that I may or may not have (personally, I don't think I have one, but saying that sounds...cliche right now.)

Okay, it's frickin bedtime. I need sleep. I need a nice, long run too, but that'll have to wait until later. Maybe I'll dance a little before bed. I've been feeling dancey lately. Not exactly happy, but dancey. But it burns calories so I'm not gonna complain about wanting to do it. Maybe I'll do it to a song, go to bed, and do a few more (three or four) when I wake up because I feel like crap. I have a bad headache, my nose is running, I have a cough, and I'm just sleepy.

Happy Easter.

I allowed myself to have some chocolate, but not a lot. Some Skittles, but not a lot of those either. At my Grammy's I allowed myself to eat, put gravy on the mashed potatoes, acted normal. I wanted my cousins to believe I "look great" because of eating healthy.
Yeah, they all complimented my hair, said I looked great. My poor cousin Sam was basically called fat by her little sister for eating. But my aunt said that even I look fat compared to my cousin's sister. Which utterly shocked me. When did I become small enough to even compare to her? All I see is...fatness. I dyed my hair yesterday so it's still very bright (forgot to shower last night. :/).
Now, I'm home and I plan on doing more research for my paper and not eating. Fun, fun.

Thanks, Rachael, I really hope that I can quit eating all this junky, icky, gross food.
Lol, thanks you, but he's a very silly bear, americaneaglelove. And I really hope I can, but with how things are going now, I doubt I will...

Happy Easter, everyone. Hope you enjoy the rest of it.

Ninja BEAR~

Sorry for the badness of the bear. He was made in, like, 10 minutes, maybe. But I said I would make a ninja bear and here it is!
Ok, I didn't really stick to my plan for today (bad girl) and the more I think about it, today and the past few days and the me being a lazy ass, it's made me REALLY wanna just...give up on this "Let's be healthy!" thing.
Unlike most of you, when I look in the mirror, the lady looking back is actually, in my eyes, very cute. She's spunky, alive, she looks outgoing. I like what I see in the mirror. And then I look down...and she doesn't have a body to match that face. I wanna have a body to match that cute face.
So, I'm thinking about fasting Monday, and then eating as little as I fucking can. I'm sick of being/feeling fat. I want to enter two jobs where looks are a lot of what people base on, if not everything! I need to be small... Way smaller than I am at least. Because I'm WAY over 140. And that's gonna irk me until I get it down. I was 136 on Christmas!! I should be in my 120s, AT LEAST!! Maybe even near my teens. But NOOOOOO I had to think I would be OK for a while.
Well guess what Alex?
You're a fat bitch who just needs to quit choking down food. That's right, I fuckin went there. Quit EATING. You'll start losing you FAT. Oh, and start running, you lazy ass. Alex, you need to MOVE to lose weight! Move and quit eating!!! GOSH!!!
Now that I've been mean to myself, I have to tell you that tonight was very lovely. It wasn't until I took a shower that I realized that I'm a fat food-whore. There are days where I wish I was as dedicated as I was for a while back in July and then again towards December. But no, I keep letting my guard down. Do you guys realize that this is so hard? For a while, I think I'm soooo cool, throwing away dinner, rarely eating. Then I think "Oh, I need to be healthy or I'll just get it all back" and then I eat like it's no one's business and then I feel fat so I just don't wanna eat and after a while, the cycle begins again. Right now, I really feel fat.
You guys wanna know what I really want for my birthday? No, it's not a gift you can send through the mail. It's to weigh only one nineteen at the max. The BEST gift would be to be one thirteen. Both are very hard to get to, from what I read from other blogs. Luckily, my birthday is in June. Anyone wanna keep me on track by texting me around meal times? Just kidding, considering my family has no set sit-down-and-stuff-your-face time. Right now I have no lunch money and I'm perfectly happy not eating lunch.
americaneaglelove, I lurv the rain too, it's just getting kinda annoying here.


Alright, I really need to get off. I have given you a long enough post and I've got to get up in the morning to have my hair bleached out. I'm going from dark brown with pink in the bangs and on one side to almost white with blue bangs and pink streaks. Wish me luck.
Goodnight.

It's very dark out.

Even though it's almost noon. Very dark and very rainy.
I just woke up. Very hungry. But!! First things first. Blog, turn on mp3, dance, and then exercise my tummy. THEN I will go and get a yogurt and some orange juice.
We're going to Denny's today with my 18-year-old brother's girlfriend who's about my age. I'm gonna get a soy burger and some water.
I don't know what to do for dinner... Maybe a hard boiled egg, some fruit, and some water...and a piece of toast? Yeah, that sounds good.
Maybe I'll have some fruit with my yogurt after I exercise a wittle? That sounds good.
Woot! I have another follower!!~ Honestly, where aree all these coming from?
Alright, time to get up and start the day. ^^ Toodles.

Where did that "band" come from?

O.o I reread my last post and saw the band. I don't remember typing it, honestly. I'm...baffled. Still, I got a comment so a band, bear ninja (o.o) will be drawn...eventually (don't shoot me!).
I just realized that all I had after dinner (at 7:30 PMish) was a peanut butter-cheese sandwich (around 10:30PMish). It's now 2AM. Weirdd.
Ok, so I laid down, all ready to fall asleep when I noticed that the moon's shining on my wall. I didn't have the usual panic of "what if there's a creepy stalker outside my window?!?" Instead, I felt special and kissed where the light was shining. Now I'm worried about stalkers again.
Americaneaglelove-first off your name creepered me out because I'm wearing an American Eagle shirt. Also, if you would rather I call you something else, please chirp up or I'm gonna call you by whatever comes up in my comments. Thank you, it's actually very easy for me to do because my parents are quite lovely about my meals and making sure that I get some before any meat is added. Maybe they're not call fruititarians because it doesn't flow as well? I dunno, but I'm gonna wonder about it for ages.

Ok, I need some sleep.
Goodnight, everyone!

Weird thought for today?

"Why are you a vegetarian?" (some kid legitly asked me that today)
"Because I screw small children." (thought of HOURS after the convo)
Another thing I was asked (this one didn't offend me, though) was, "Don't you miss eating meat?" Honestly, until she said something, I hadn't thought which is weirder because I have to remind my mom all the time that I refuse to eat meat. Ok, now I have to say why being asked why I'm a vegetarian that time bothered me. I don't really like the person who asked. And it was how he asked. It was "I won't accept anything but what I think is a good answer" kind of thing. So I told him it was because I could.
I'm sorry about my last post. I don't know what happened to the rest of it.
Today was actually pretty good. I haven't weighed myself... Kinda don't wanna. The only unhealthy things I had was a tiny piece of cake, gummy bears, cheesy popcorn, and an energy drink. Compared to a used to be mainly junkfood diet? That's actually pretty good. I ate very small bits of the popcorn and gummy bears.
I had two meals today with a P.E. in between them (we played wiffle ball!), and a snack or two between them too! I feel like I'm eating like a fat kid. Okay, I need to tell myself this. I will gain a little weight as I readjust to my new eating habits because my body is used to little food.
AND WHERE DID THIS NEW FOLLOWER COME FROM!? I demand you post a comment. Please. It would make my day and I'll draw you a band bear-ninja on Microsoft Paint.
Alright!! Comment answering time!!
Rachael, There are days where I love my nerdiness. It gives reason for to wanna lose weight, haha. Thank you for supporting my want to be healthy! It'll be hard because I DO have a low self-esteem (and I will admit that it may be my own fault, but I like blaming J.R. and J.P.).

Which doesn't make up for eating like a fat pig. They weighed me at my appointment today. 144 then again (this is a TMI moment coming up) I was in need of a crap. So, that may have been a pound or two. Still, I'm over 140 and it's killing me. Being so close to 150 is killing me. Even if they say I'm a good weight.
New meds today.
Bad storm tonight. Knocked out the electricity. That's part of the reason I'm exercising, something to do. Pretty bad.
Misa-Misa cosplay for NatsuCon 2011? Price for pre-registering for a weekend pass being $25? Yes, please! Luckily it's not until August, so I have plenty of time to fix up my body. My older brother B is gonna go with me. But the meanie is going to ACen without me!! Sorry, this is my nerd paragraph.
I think... I'm gonna give up on my fast and just try healthy. Meaning little to no junk food in a day, lots more fruitts and veggies, grains, and gotta get me more protien. I don't wanna look sickly and I keep waking up feeling like I'm in a mental insitution for A) trying to kill myself or B) being diagnosed with an eating disorder.
Lottie, you're so lovely about me messing up. Haha. And I'm glad I was so well timed! It got me all firey and passionate about the topic! Which I have yet to work on. :/ Alex-fail.

Now, I wish I had puked instead of wussing out that way, if she had heard she would know I felt bad. Thanks, Mommy.

All I wanted to do was stay home and relax for a day, something I didn't get to do even during the weekend because I can FEEL myself panicking and feeling like shit mentally. All you're worried about is the school an getting in trouble with them. Well, I need to deal with this stress somehow, and since we can't do it in a healthy way, guess I get to cut the night before seeing my psychiatrist.
Now, you gals can see me as weak, but seriously I don't give a damn right now. I'm a weak bitch, I know this. And soon I'll be celebrating a year of cutting. The 20th of this month... Two days. Wow. In two days, I'll have been cutting for a whole year. Reading my journal from around that time makes me so dang sad. The days before I started cutting I was so depressed and then I started and there's a lot of laughing, yet paranoia that someone would find out.
Time to brush my teeth and cut open my flesh then head off to bed. Sounds fun. Maybe this way the stress won't kill me. Thanks again, Mommy.

My change in topic has been approved.

And he also made the due date later! Yay! This is like the most epic teacher ever.
Today was...let's put it lightly, BAD. I had a cookie, some crackers with cheese and mayo on them, a packet of Kit Kats (that 210 by itself!), and more crackers. The crackers weren't bad calorie wise. Each one was 16 calories. I had about 144 calories JUST in crackers. So Kit Kat and crackers=354. I'm guessing the cookie was probably 150ish, the mayo 80is, and the cheese 70ish (I didn't use a lot of either of them). That adds up to about 654ish. Shoot me. Now. I was SUPPOSED to be fasting.
Well, despite the stupidly large calorie total, I didn't eat a lot. So, maybe I'll do better. My solid food calorie limit from PAST fasts (most failed. :/) still remains. 200, but let's push for A LOT less. This is supposed to only liquids, Alex. You really need to be better about that.
I've decided I wanna do everything. Well, not really, but I wanna be a model, an actress, and an author. I wanna still have a sense of humor when I start working, and I wanna have fans that want to hug me just so that they can go off and say "I hugged my favorite actress/author Alex!!" I wanna be able to sign books, personally, and end each one with "Almost Alex <3". I wanna do small things to make people happy. Today, we got the final chance to try out for a solo in one of the songs that our choir is singing (Seasons of Love from Rent, I do believe). I wanted to do it. I think I even took an involuntary step forward, a small one. I wanted to stand in front of J.P. and sing a solo about love, showing that even the kid who doesn't believe in love can throw it out there. But I was scared. Even with my starving getting me bolts of courage, it wasn't any help. Baby steps, baby steps. OKAY! My favorite part now! Responding to comments! YAY!!
Lottie, may I use your comment for my paper? You seem so passionate! Though, recently marriage has lost most of its meaning and has become merely a legal thing. Like my parents getting married (again) nearly two years ago. Apparently it saved us some kind of money or something to do with taxes or something weird like that. I was thirteen and didn't care much. Mom claimed religious reasons (it's considered a sin to have sex with a man you're not married to) but they had been living together and acting as a married couple since I was eight, so...I didn't really buy it. Sorry, that's my splurge on how marriage is more legal than religious nowadays. Still, that was an amazing comment and I will have to be careful with how I word things now. Thank you.
Rachael, I'll cosplay Misa when I get down to my first goal of 130 (yes, I've moved my first goal up). I'm about 10-12 pounds away. Thank you for at least acting like you believe I can do anything. It makes me feel like I honestly can. Maybe I really can't, but at least I feel like I can!! Aw, you make it sound like I should say sorry for liking good songs. Not something I'm gonna say sorry for, even if you become addicted to it. So there. I've missed you a bunches too, and I'm sooo happy that you're posting and I lurve you soooo muches!
Alright, even though Mom says that I can stay home tomorrow, I wanna get a shower. So, I'm going to go that. Have a lovely nice everyone.

Let's have some thinspo tonight!
This one, coming up, is my current favorite and I think I've posted it here before, but I just... Love it.


And Since I feel like a bitch tonight, let's have a comparison in fashion of the lovely Zette even if I can't do it quite as well.Alright, first off, both of them are making slightly weird facial expressions, but the brunette looks like she's cringing. Almost as if she realizes how bad she looks next to her blond friend? Dears, turning sideways does not make you skinny. Sadly, I think I look like that brunette right now. Guess that's why I'm working hard to fix it, huh? I don't know about you, but I'm gonna try to be tiny and adorable like that blond.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna start a fast that I hope lasts 5 days

Yep, the whole school week.
Okay, so I told Peanut Butter probably too much about myself tonight. I told her I cut and that I'm at least bi-curious. Truth be told, if it feels right, I'll date anyone. But it has to feel right. I don't know what you would call it. I told her I hate myself, but love giving people honest compliments because I feel like then they may not hate themselves.
Tonight, I realized that J.P. stayed at my house for a month. Mom hugged me everyday before bed for a month. When J.P. left, so did those hugs. I think I needed them more when she left considering she broke up with me only a few days later. I never loved her, though. If I ever loved any of my friends (doubt it because I don't believe in love) it would have been Peanut Butter. Even after what I did, she's been there to listen to my problems. Sure, we don't hang out, but she's gotten more out of me than my therapist could dream of. But I don't care.
Alright, it's bed time for Alex. School tomorrow, then reading articles about Jack the Ripper, and then trying to type my paper. Maybe I should change topics to same sex unions? That WAS the first one he gave me when I couldn't think of one. He said it would be hard, though, and they're due day we get out for Spring Break, the 20th. Hum... It's something I'm more passionate about (I believe that since we say all people were created equal that same sex marriages should be legal) and it's something more relative to now.
Anyone think I should/shouldn't? I really justt don't know.
Ok, now bedtime FOR REAL! Night~

The song was Annie by Safetysuit

I didn't cut much last night and none of it really broke the skin. I used a safety pin and wasn't really looking to bleed, I guess. So, I felt pretty...strong. It's alright.
Today, I tugged on my size 3 jeans. They're snug in some places, but my stummy fat doesn't hang over them as badly as they used to. Also, yesterday I did, like, 60 some push ups. My arms felt like jelly (yay).
Lottie, I honestly hope that I'll be a strong person, but then again they'll feel like they help make that person.
Kes, I do wait before wait before eating, cutting, almost anything that most people don't even think about. It's kinda odd, but it's ok.
To anyone thinking about cutting, it is like THE hardest thing that I've done to quit. I've given up, honestly, on quitting. It's a part of my whole being. I don't really care anymore.
Alright, time to go clean up the school. Lol.

Will I...

Ever be able to accomplish something GREAT and be able to look at J.R. and J.P. and say, "I guess I never needed you to begin with!"?
Will I ever be able to accomplish something and look at them and go, "Yep, that character is how I was after you two mentally screwed with me! Now I'm ok, so you can just drop dead. Kthxbai."?
Will I ever be back to normal?
Will I ever quit cutting or wanting to?
Will I be able to stand and not shake?
Will I not lie when I say I'm fine, ever?
Will I... Will I ever be good enough for myself to like?
Will I dance to my own song when I'm finally free of this small town?
Will I be able to be better?
Right now, I'm scared of them and myself.
Right now, I'm scared to move forward.
But, I always tell myself that I'm getting stronger.
I'm not REALLY stuck.
I'm getting better.
Sure, we all slip. But I'm getting better. My cutting is less. I'm getting better. Who cares if I skip most meals most days? I'm getting better. The cutting is less. Doesn't that mean I'm betterish? There's nothing wrong with a fourteen-year-old wanting to be smaller. It's cutting that says something is wrong.
Ok, let's quit lying.
I'm not getting better.
Screw you who want me to be perfectly fine.
I'm taking my medicine, cuttin, and going to bed.
Well, first there's a song I wanna listen to.

"And Annie don't be shy here
Annie please don't cry here"
Aw, what a lovely song. That's my second part. MY first favorite part is:
"They took her moments of feeling alive
And made them moments of dying inside
She needed someone to scream her name
To take her pain and it's why I screaming"
It's lovely. Very lovely. But it doesn't make me feel any prettier to listen to it.

OH, look, song's over.
Bedtime.
Night. :)

Saw this on Facebook

To her classmates;
She is a quiet girl.. who doesn't talk that much.
To her friends;
She is a funny, outgoing girl.. that always makes them laugh.
To her best friend;
She is a crazy, fun girl.. that's always there for her.
To her boyfriend;
She is an amazing girl.. that he loves more than anything.
And to herself;
She's completely worthless..

But I didn't "like" it because I don't want people to know how I feel about myself.
I didn't "like it because I'm scared of how my friends would react if they knew.
I didn't "like" it because, honestly, I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.
I didn't "like" it because then people may wonder what that lovely laugh, nice smile, and happy attitude hide.
I don't want people to ask me about what's wrong. I wanna be the one who asks what's wrong and makes you feel special, dear friends who make me happier than anything in this world.
I didn't "like" it because I wanna be worth my friends' love.
I wanna be beautiful inside and out because I wanna be worth the life I've got. Maybe starving myself to get there is wrong, but it's the only way that I feel "right" doing it.
Though I know how sick I can get from this, and I don't want to hurt everyone by ending up in the hospital, it still feels "right" and I probably will never stop.
I mean, sure there are periods where I eat more, but I'm pretty sure it's little compared to everyone else around me. Probably because I care too much about my weight.
You guys are amazing. You put up with the bad parts of me, more than my own friends do. I feel imperfect with you guys. I don't feel like I have to act like I am perfect, though. Thank you ALL (even those who never comment :P)!

Lottie, dear, my dad's harsh about my weight, always. He'll tell me one moment I'm too fat, need to lose weight, but then he'll turn around and call me anorexic. It feeds my need to drop the pounds these days, though. Thank you for your support and kind words. I think you believe in me more than I do! Haha, thank you again.
Unknown (that seems weird to type, haha, oh well) would suggest I not become a model? I'd probably have to do comercial too, but just the chance to try new clothing and have my picture taken, well, it possitively makes me wanna do it. I wish you the best with your life and modeling! ^^

Alright! I've gotta finish getting ready to leave for doing consessions at the play tonight! Hopefully I'll only nom on a sucker in it for the gum! Haha. Bye!

I wanted to be a model.

Did I tell you guys that? Back in January, I was playing with the idea. Dad told me I would have to lose a total of 40 pounds to ever make it big. I'm 140ish. Good way to either make me reconsider or starve myself, Daddy. Maybe, when I'm only eat salad-nothing on it, please- and you tell me I'm anorexic, I'll tell you that I'm not, I just wanna be a model. Even if it means being unhealthy.
How many of you gals/guys are models? Would I really need to be 100 pounds if I can fit into a size 3 (on good days, 5 on bad ones) and already have a nearly flat tummy?
Ok, raise your hand if you know what Death Note is. Now put it down, I can't see it. If you don't know it, look it up. It's a manga. Hurry and look it up or else the rest of this will make no sense.
...
Now that you've (hopefully) looked it up, this may/may not make sense. I wanna cosplay(you may need to look that up too) Misa Amane. It would be lovely, though I need to lose more weight (because she's lovely). We have a similar style of dress (not really, but I love how she dresses). And even if I can't be a model, it'll be like being one!~
Yeah, I don't believe I can actually be one, but part of me likes to hold onto the thought of it. It's torture, sometimes, though it kept me from finishing my pizza, though! Win? I do believe so. I think this Alex is gonna not eat a bunch anymore. This Alex is hungry, but is going to deny herself food because she still kinda really wants to be a model. Yep, this fat Alex still wants to shoot for the impossible goal of 16.6 BMI and a weight of 100! This Alex wants to be a model still, even if it is far-fetched. Even if it means I can't have my cake and eat it too!
Now that I'm pumped, I'm gonna enjoy it and the day! Byess~

Went to see the mini-musical at our school.

It was amazing! One of the guys playing one of the lead roles is always quiet and doesn't smile much, so I was kinda worried becaude the character is happy and excitable. He did utterly amazing! And this one girl almost made me cry. Anyone know what drill team is? Well, if you don't, a very short version of what they are at my school is a group that twirls flags, hoops, things of the like at half time for football and in parades. Well, this girl's sister had been in drill team (so is the girl) only she died in a car crash this year. The girl got to do a routine in her memory. It made me tear up, I swear. The only thing that annoyed me was the chick we had to give a ride home kept saying how it wouldn't be anything new if she was hit on. Ok, kid, you don't have to try and impress me and by the way, you're failing.
For the show, I changed into a plaid skirt that went to my knees and a black shirt with some design on it in loads of colors (not really, just red, blue, and purple).
Aw, Lottie, I'm glad you think that, but I'm really not. I'm pudgey.
Alright, sleepy time!~

So, yesterday...

I was called a stick. They're wrong. My legs are fat, my arms are fat, heck even my almost-flat tummy is fat. So, I'm wearing a skirt today to show off the fat. This way they'll realize I'm not a stick and that I'm actually pretty pudgey. After P.E. I'm thinking about struttin around in my tank top, but only if this dumb rain lets up. Oh, I'm wearing my super awesome, knee-high converse socks. They look like the shoes. Yes they do.

Sorry for being MIA these past few days.

I was really tired when I got home from school and I don't like to post before school because I know I'll post after school. But! I'm back now!
My breakfast was about 110 calories. It was very tastey too.
Also, I've decided to not ask my crush out because 1, he's leaving in a little over a month and 2, so much is going on (like my friend moving) that I just wanna be able to kick back and feel it as it happens.
Hum...I call J.R. a butthead yesterday. Anna's doggie died the day before yesterday and I said something about this dog on the newspaper the girl next to me in my basic paint class was using and Anna asked very nicely for us to not talk about dogs. After hearing that, what does J.R. do? Say something about dogs. I did it without thinking. It was amazing.
Today, I'm wearing black capris and a rather cute top with my hair in these cute, tiny pigtails (put down low so I don't look bald). All together, I feel rather adorable. A little fat, but adorable still.

There are days, like today, where I think back to when J.R. told me to slit my throat.

I told J.P. later that I wanted to cut just deep enough that it would bleed and possibly scar. I wanted him to realize he made a mistake. She called me "a little mellodramatic" and left it at that. Is it really a little mellodramatic to want to do that when one of your "friends" tells you to slit your throat and you feel worthless to begin with?
That was last May, five days before they started dating. I like to pretend I'm stronger, but I'm not. These days, I'm scared to get close to someone, scared that they'll end up like J.R., J.P., and even L.S., scared that they'll take that friendship and use it to rip me to pieces.
Peanut Butter tells me that friendships are easier and funner than the one I had with J.P. and Anna is trying to prove it. Only, I'm still scared. I realized that I'm getting attached to my crush who is moving soon. It scared me. Today, Anna's dog died and I swore to not get close to anyone again. Only, I think I'm too late for that.
So far today I've had maybe 240 calories. I guess I can allow myself dinner.
I'm still hoping to lose lots of weight, but lately I've been so out of it. Now, I'm grounded. I'll start seriously now. Yup.

I have bruises that I don't know where they came from

There's two, right now, on my left leg. It makes me worried.
Dad says that my room isn't haunted. Can't be.
What if I am?
Mom says I can't be.
But what if J.R. had something haunt me when he didn't like me?
Things don't change their mind just because you do.
Why, then, do I never wake up? I mean, if this thing is grabbing me.
Am I that happy to have something that won't leave?
Most of you probably don't believe in hauntings, but I do. Since I'm a Christian (well... I'll explain that later) I believe in demons (you don't have to) and I believe that anything J.R. could've contacted about me would be one. So then why hasn't it torn me apart?
Ok, so the whole Christian thing, let me explain. I believe there is a God and I believe everyone can be saved...except myself. To most people, I haven't done that much wrong, but I just...don't feel like I could be. Does that make any sense?
My biggest fear, I've decided, is being completely alone. It could swollow me whole. When I was younger, I felt so alone that I cried and begged for anything, even the devil himself, to come and just...be that way I wouldn't be alone. Hah, maybe that's coming back and biting me in the butt. Stupid bruises looks like someone grabbed me too hard.
Today, foodwise, I did aweful.
Lottie, I don't care that your comment was long. I loved it. :) Thanks you! I felt a lot better after reading it!
Oh and 21 followers now? Wow, my amount of followers can legally drink! Haha, bad joke.
Ok, beddie bye time. That way I won't be dead tomorrow.

I wonder

If one day I'll have a husband, be swelled up with a pregnancy, and look down at aweful scars on my wrists.
I wonder if I'll look over at him and say, "When I was fourteen, I loved these scars because they reflected my heart and soul."
I wonder if I'll be screwed up.
I wonder if I'll fuck up my kid like Dad did with me.
I always wonder...would I even be a good parent?
I wanna have kids, unlike most people in my grade, when I grow up. But not if they're going to end up hurt by my insanities.
I also wonder who am I hurting by typing this up where anyone can see it?
I wonder what child is getting messed up from me being messed up RIGHT NOW.
It scares me to think that someone else could be harmed from me doing this. No, it terrifies me. Only...Not enough to quit. Not enough to just write in my journal instead of typing it up on here.
I always wonder what would happen if I were to start talking to one of you and it broke me to pieces because...this blog was made you begin thinking of ways to starve even more.
I always wonder how I would react if a-a-a child commented on here, telling me I was inspiring because I had starved myself.
Would I hate myself even more if a nine-year-old told me how great my posts were? Or would I be flattered..? I wonder this a lot. Honestly, I hope I never have to find out. I really do. Maybe that's me being selfish, but I really, really, truly hope that some lovely child is not affected me.

Anna stayed last night. We were up until 3 in the morning (we didn't home from my brother's concert and Denny's until 2). We talked about my crush because I've decided that she can ask him out for me. Actually, I think since her doggie is dying today that I'll do it myself. Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself. We woke up around noon and went to my grandma's to eat. Then we came home around three in the afternoon and watched a few episodes of an anime. Then she left and found out her dog had a puppy and then the puppy died and now the dog's dying. Life kinda sucks.
I haven't taken my meds for... six? nights now. I threw away two pills (one for tonight, one for yesterday) so it looks like I'm taking them. I don't wanna tell my mom that I quit. Unless she notices.
Uhmm... that's all I can think of for tonight. I love all 20 of my followers like for real.

I'm starvedd, ehehehe!

What did I eat?
A few tiny pieces of cookies
about four french fries (with katchup)
some candy (a serving was 23 pieces for 50 calories)
and a fruit parfait thing from McDoncald's.
I found out that if I'm hungry and with people I like I get REALLY weird. Like, I danced in front of the guy I like because Anna can come over tomorrow. That's how weird I got. But I was really happy. Really, really, really happy. There was one point where he was near me right after smoking and I just wanted to cling to him and inhale the smell. I didn't, though. That would've been creepyyy.
Today was AMAZING!! No joke. I'm kinda scared because I gave permission to ask the dude I like out for me because I always found some reason to not do it and I know that she won't. She wants us to be together. I'm just hoping he doesn't...not wanna go out with me. It's scary, but I have to at least pretend that it doesn't bother me.
I'm not taking my meds tonight. For the fourth night. I hate taking pills. And I've felt better without them! Happy! Even though I shake more and eat less. Also, I don't know when I'm being too bubbly. It feel FREAKING AMAZING! Even if I did let the a-word slip in front of Anna who doesn't believe I cuss. It's just, at the time, asspocket sounded better.
Anna calls me Alex now. Why? I've been called Lexi forever and a half. This past less than a year, I've changed too much to be Lexi. So, we changed it to Alex. So, I'll be changing the name that signs these posts (and the comments I leave) to Almost Alex. That's basically my "full" nickname. Because it's catchy and we both love the new Alice in Wonderland movie and one of the things is her transoformation to the needed Alice and she's told she's "Almost Alice" at one point. We kinda stoled it.... Haha.
Wow, 20 follows? Beautiful!! Lovely! I love it. Well, only kinda. Because I know I'm probably freaking crazy. I love that my life is worth your time, but it's kinda disturbing that you're enjoying my insanity.
Ok! I have to go to sleep! Anna's coming over at 2 this afternoon and then we're going to my brother's band's concert and it's gonna last until nine-ish. So, I need to be well rested and and and I may need to lay down now because it's already three in the morning. Ssssoooo! I'm gonna do some push-ups, drink some water, go potty, and then HOP IN BED! Whether I sleep or not for a while will be decided there! Oh my goodness, I really hope that he goes to the concert. Super hope it!! Because then I'll get to see him again! Ok, for real, time to hop off the computer. :)

So far, so good.

I had a few bites of the Kashi Golean cereal we got yesterday. Mainly, though, it was coffee with a few sips of V8 thrown in. Hum, it just hit me how crazy I always sound. Always. Except the rare moments where my head's on right. Huh.
My headache doesn't hurt as badly today! Maybe my meds made it hurt worse... Because for the first time in over a year, I'm not taking any pills (except my diet pills!). I honestly feel free because of it.
I'm gonna do it today. I'm gonna do it. I'm thinking if I type it enough I'll actually ask him out!I'm gonna do it. Not tomorrow, today.
Alright, even though I'm gonna be late to class, it's time for school. :)

I don't feel like Lexi anymore

I don't know if I say this here or just in my journal, but I've been called Lexi all my life, but I feel like I've changed so much in less than a year that I don't feel like Lexi. For a while, I mentally referred to myself-in third person- as Alice because I felt like I fell down a rabbit hole into a whole new world were I was adapting. Then it was Sophie, childish, but also holding an elegant ring. Only, Sophie doesn't seem to fit either -too close to Lexi.
What to call myself? That's all a name is, a word in which one is referred by. Why not at least change it when that person has changed so much? Give me suggestions, please.
I should've cut about 5 times today because I had about 500 calories. I'm too tired to do it. Also, not taking my meds again tonight. That one I just don't want to do.
Lottie, dearest, thanks for your lovely comments. I don't always know what to say to them, but they're still lovely and make me smile.

Small Caffiene buzz to keep me awake

but not jittery.
Green tea (crystal light, 10 calories) in my backpack for lunch.
My size 5 shorts are getting kinda baggy.
I'm thinking about doing it today, asking him out. He'll probably say no. Or maybe I'm telling myself that so it doesn't hurt when he does.
It's supposed to get to maybe 71 today, but I'm kinda regretting the shorts.
Oddly enough, I remember most of yesterday. Considering I wasn't awake for most of it.
Ladies, gentlemen, I believe that I'm back to crazy. I haven't taken my medication for two days. So, I'm pretty sure it's out of my system. Lovely.
SCHOOL TIME! Byes! ^^

Missed supper

Mom didn't even ask if I wanted something. I don't. My tummy's empty, my head hurts, and my vision is getting black a lot. It's exciting. Maybe three cookies isn't horrid (ha, lie). So, I'm having green tea from one of the Crystal Light packets for dinner. Tastey.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will be better. I will not screw up. There will be no cookie at lunch or after school. I will have green tea or coffee for breakfast. It'll be me in control.
I'm so tired. I think I slightly overdosed(slightly) last night. It was so hard to get up this morning and I came home and...died, basically. I'm still sleepy. The good thing is I'm too sleepy to want to get food. Yay!
Ok, I've been up nearly an hour now, I'm going back to bed. :D

He's moving.

I...was shocked when he said so. But he seemed so happy about it. One of my friends has been talking bad about him, but right then, he seemed so happy that it took me over. I caught his happiness. At that moment, I wanted to tell my friend that I don't care what she thinks about him... I need a moment of happiness. He's moving May 24. I wanna be able to hold his hand before then. You should have seen him, the mischievous look in his eyes as he said all the things he was going to do to the cars of teachers he doesn't like. I think I nearly laughed at that alone.
My friend is telling me I can't date him. He smokes, drinks, and does pot, she said. We sat in silence for a bit after I looked at her and said "Don't you do all that?" Yes, he does all of that, but Taylor, I do a lot to hurt myself and being with him at lunch is when I'm happiest. Maybe it's stupid of me, but I wanna date him.
Today, I ate only a little so far, but it was fatty foods. 3 cookies. That's all I've had today. I was happier when it was only at lunch. I thinks...I will count calories and every 100 hundred calories will equal 1 cut. That will only be solid food calories. Liquids will be free calories. Which could actually equal more than I wanna think, but it's a small luxury.
I know, me cutting makes you guys upset. But remember, I started this whole thing out as a cutting. It's in my (hehe) blood. I'm just using it to my advantage. To lose weight, to be (finally) lovely), to get people's attention.
You know what I hate? My mom only sees my little brother's problems. Sure, sure I seemed like I ate dinner, Mommy, but it's in the trash in my room. I've been fighting with myself on and off since July. Do you ignore it or not see?
Screw this, I'm gonna do some crunches.

I hate myself

I try to show at school the tiny, teeny tiny, piece of me that loves myself. Most me hates me. There are days where I'm insanely happy, others where I feel so low that I almost feel nothing. I don't know why and most people want out of this cycle. The more I think about it, the more I don't want to. Why medicate myself? It's another lie. The real me drops to lows and rushes to highs. The real me...who is she? She's been torn apart too much, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. I've been called Lexi all my life, but I don't feel like Lexi. She was happy with a good family and wonderous friends. Now, I feel like some unnamed creature who kinda wants to date that boy with a bad rep because he can't judge me as much as someone with a great one (and because his smile infects me).
Last year, this time, I was happy. How do I know? This time last year isn't recorded in a journal. I didn't feel a need to keep one. Because I was happy with life and didn't need a way to past time quickly. This July will be a whole year of this cycle. Or maybe I'll break it by then...
I cut tonight. Because I wanted to. I also put part of a pill that makes me sleepy into my flavored (and colored) water. Tonight I told myself I didn't want to eat. I'm gaining weight. The scale's lying. I can feel, see, it. Makes me want to vomit like Daddy told me to do when I was younger.
Thanks for your lovely comments. They honestly make my days. Even if it's just one comment, I feel less alone. It makes me feel like I matter. Hopefully I can at least make you beautiful people feel less alone and more loved like you do for me. :)
Now, I can feel my mind blanking every once in a while, so goodnight.

Therapy...

So, I've been thinking about my therapy. I kinda wanted to just quit going, but now I wanna go more. Now, I wanna read some of my journal out loud to her. Now, I want her to see how much J.P. and J.R. hurt me. Now, I want her to understand that I'm just a scared brat half the time. Really. Now, I'm kinda wavering on whether or not I should tell her about how I eat. How it really just all depends on how life is. It's something I control.
I wanna start a fast. So, technically later today, I will. I won't eat. I'll only have liquids. It'll be nice.
Ok, my dad woke me up the other day. He said he thinks I'm anorexic. Since we were gonna go somewhere, I threw off my blankets to get out of bed. My shirt was up enough to see my tummy. His comment? "Urh, you could afford to do a few crunches." Wow, is that really something you tell someone who you think is anorexic?
Maybe that sparked my desire to not eat.
I need sleep. Goodnight, everyone.

I've made up my mind... Well, Maybe.

I'm gonna ask my crush out. Two of my friends told me that if I don't ask him out myself, they're gonna ask him out for me. I would rather suck it up and attempt to do it myself. Let's hope he says yes. I doubt he will, though. He doesn't really have an opinion about me because we don't know each other at all. I'm hoping he will say yes, though. It's been so long since I had a really fun relationship and I'm hoping that this will be one. Too bad one of my friends kinda thinks I like him and is obviously jealous. Too bad, kiddo. I liked him before you asked. Like, this friend of mine, W, pulled me into this tight, I'm-not-letting-go-even-if-you-struggle hug. Right in front of him. I did try to push away W, but I'm a wimp and don't have much muscle, so it didn't work. I really hope he doesn't think I'm dating W. That would make me upset.
We're 23 days apart in age. That's what Anna says anyway. He's twenty-three days older. He seems a lot older than that, though. Compared to me, everyone seems so mature. I'm little, immature. It doesn't help that, in the freshman class, I'm one of the youngest kids. Only three kids are younger than me, that I know of. All of them act older than I do. I guess it's because I feel like I have to keep up an act for all of my friends. A happy act.
That's why a few days ago, the day after L.G. moved, I didn't really speak to my "friends" at my table. I went to the bathroom as soon as I was done eating, took my sweet time washing my hands, and by time I went out there my dear crush was sitting out there. He glanced up and saw me and then pretended that he never noticed me. I dropped my bag on this raised concrete area we have, grabbed hold of the pole, swung around it so I landed on the ground, and then sat on the table behind him. I was this close to crying, but when I looked into the windows, I saw our reflection and grinned because I was taller! So I was just like, "I'm taller than you!" That smile that melts me every time appeared as he said, "For once." Other than me saying I felt like crap, that was really the extent of our conversation. Unlike with my "friends" (I think they're actually more like fans than friends), he didn't pester me to say what was wrong and I figured he didn't really care, so I didn't tell him. I just enjoyed the silence and almost tears I had. It was easy. He sat there, probably just ignoring the fact that I was sitting behind him, existing and that's really what I wanted someone to do at that moment. Well, I kinda wanted to talk about it, but I'm not complaining about what I got.
It's, like, two thirty in the morning. I'm going to freaking bed. Goodnight!

Another girlish post

My friend Anna wants me to be with him. I wanna be his girlfriend. So, why can't I just do it? I know he'll say no, but thats because a girl like me doesn't get attention from a guy like that. He's gorgeous even outside of school. He's got that strut that makes him look like he's on top of the world and everyone's below him... only he doesn't act like that's all I can say at this point. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I really just wanna have reason to worry about him out loud part of the time. Because he always seems to be injured when I see him. Gosh, he's got me running in circles and I just can't get him out of my head.
On a different, equally as exciting, happy note I have 19 followers! Yay!! Happy happy!