Woah! I have 10 followers!

That's cool!
Okay, my friend Peanut Butter told me that if I speak to her, and talk about myself, it has to be something good. She's tired of me putting myself down. I never thought i did or meant to.
I should weigh myself and eat less, but it's all fruits and stuff. They're yummy and unfatty. Well, I keep saying that to myself.
So, today I'm chilling. Watching NCIS. It's an episode where they hide a bag of herion inside the dude. It's sick, the sister snorts it off his dead body after they cut him open.
Anyway, I'm gonna go noww. :)

Diet pills

Sooo, the pills I got today will probably take 2ish weeks after i start taking them. Then they said I should lose about 2-3 pounds a week. I'm cool with that. Maybe with eating so little I'll lose 4 instead...? How nice it would be. Obviously I would quit losing eventually and then have to eat less.
AHH, I'm daydreaming again.

Sorry for being gone for a bit.

I won't lie. I wanted to try being healthy, to try to be "normal" again. I didn't try to count calories, forced myself to eat. When I was left alone to think, though, I thought only of how much I had eaten, how many calories it must have been, how horrible it was to GAIN, how great it'd be to finally lose again.
But I had fun tonight. Went to this hangout that one of the locally churches has for kids so they aren't out on the streets getting into trouble. It was nice and this kid who I kinda have a TINY crush on was there. Sadly, I didn't talk to him, but whatever. It's only a tiny one and I'm not gonna be at that school much longer, so it won't matter. Besides, he's a "bad boy" and I'm a "good girl" so it's just toooo cliche. Bought a plain, black coffee while out with a friend...Then had a FRAGGIN huge cheese burger when my mom picked me up. I came home and sat on my fat butt which had eaten nearly continually since my mom got home and listened to music until about fifteen minutes. Then I got off the computer and spent about nine minutes dancing around the bathroom and my room. Trust me, it's amazing to bounce around and dance in front of a mirror and like no one's looking and being a complete idiot. Then I paced around the house for a few minutes, trying to calm down enough to actually sit down. Then I had to decide what I wanted to do and then I read some new posts on Rachael's blog. Then I started typing this up. That's been my night.
I think I'm just gonna eat very little instead of just counting every single calorie that waggles its way down my throat. No fastfoods, though. They make people fat. Fruits and soups mainly, okays?
So, I've been reading my old blog Scars Never Lie and all I can say is I'm glad I made a new blog. I seem sooo depressed in that one. For that, I'm terribly sorry!
Alright, it's time to dance around for a little more! <3

Wish me luck.

So, 820 is my count so far. WAYYY LOWER than yesterday! YAY!! Not good, but lower than yesterday. I'm making the progress I desire. Hopefully I'll not eat dinner and have some coffee to stay peppy and not raise that count too much!
Ok, I'm trying to make EVERY physical part of me better. I'm trying to lose LOTS of weight. I'm trying to whiten my nasty gray teeth. I'm trying to lose the flab on my upper arm. I'm gonna cut the back of my hair shorter than the front, bleach it all, and then dye it pink except for streaks of the blond. Why? I WANNA BE PRETTY FOR MY NEW SCHOOL! They don't know me yet! Anything is possible. Anything can be real. I can do anything I want. I also wanna get a tattoo, but considering I'd be only 15 and it's almost a completely Christian school, I think that'd be too far. I could ask. What I want is a French phrase that means a lot to me right now. My old best friend (before J.P.) sent it to me in a text message a few days ago. "Cest lavie." Such is life.
Okay... J.P. and I aren't friends...at all. Probably never really were. She turned me down when I asked (begged DX) for her to take me back, saying she needed to get right with God... By "loving" a Wiccan. I don't get teenage girl logic. Which is pretty bad. And my childhood friend, let's call her... We'll have fun and call her Peanut Butter because that's how she is named in my phone. So, I feel like I can ask Peanut Butter anything. And she gives me REAL responses. Not sugar coated bull crap. I love it! She seems to also think that me changing schools is pretty good. Get me away from the idiots at my school.
But by changing schools, I feel like I'm giving up in a war. Like, I'm letting them win. Is losing really that big of a deal? Hum... I guess not. In fact, I almost yelled at one of them while we were walking to a different building (ironically, it was the same building, only I was going to the basement) that I was gonna be not there next year. Maybe it would've made her day. That was L.S.. She likes J.R. too! What's with these psychos liking this one dirtbag?
Ok, I'm gonna go type on this other blog my dad made for me. He feels as though I neglect it and he can do cool things with it. It's cause you guys are so great.

over 1000 calories today.

BUT I'm ok with that. Because tomorrow I'll go lower. And lower. I'll lower my need. So, I allowed my heart to be broken, but now that it's over and I begged and begged, I don't care.
I'm going to lose weight. If I look how I wanna (because high schoolers are visual people) then I'm changing schools. My mom is excited because she thinks J.P. is a poison for me. I want this because I have no friends here. Well, not any close ones and not a "group." So, I'm trying to fix it.
AND lose weight. :)

Today...

We're supposed to go swimming.
I'm gonna open myself up to being hurt.
I'm gonna be hurt (I can already tell).
Very little is going to pass through my lips.
I may eat some tuna (100 calories for a can of it).
That feeling of hunger will stay, feeling like it's eating away at me.
My highs and lows amuse me.
I don't wanna go back under.
I wanna stay here, losing and losing.
I'm gonna ask J.P. out again.
I realize that she will say no, that she's hung up on someone else.
I don't really care.

*Tip: All of those were supposed to start with "Today..."

Let's face reality.

Let's face it for a little bit.
I've gained weight. A least five pounds.
The hunger I once enjoyed, I kill with food as soon as I realize it's there.
The reality?
I can't quit telling myself that J.P. would still be with me if I wasn't so...fat. If I wasn't so ugly. If I could just perfect my desire to be empty, I would purify my inside and be who she desired. I would still be able to feel those lips on mine without hearing that ringing in my head. "I never said I loved you." "I never felt like that about you." "I miss him." "You're just an anchor for everyone who cares about you." "Do the world a favor and kill yourself." Heck, I'd be able to go through the day without hearing that.
J.P. and I quit a more than week long arguement last night. Today, I wanted her to come over because I was lonely, I wanted someone to hold, I didn't want the bed to be empty in the morning and it just be me.
Last night, I danced for hours and enjoyed it. But at the end...I felt so alone. J.P. didn't even say hi to me when she stole the attention of the person I was talking to. At the end, before my mom got me, I started crying. Sure I had danced with people who made me feel like I belonged, but at the end I didn't matter.
I had thought my mood swings were caused by not having eaten enough. I don't care anymore. I wanna get to that point were I quit caring about feeling. Starting tomorrow, I'm chasing that hunger. Today, I'm too fat and full. Tomorrow, I will not slip up. I will eat small amounts of low calorie foods. I will exercise more. I will, I will, I will be 114 before school starts.
Ultimately, I will be that skinny gal who even J.P. is jealous of. I will look so delicate and yet hold a viscious glare on my face for those who have hurt me. I will eat very little.

Dear J.P.

You're big "I'm soooo stressed and CANNOT deal with you" is someone else like him? And miss him? I've been cutting and wondering about dying because of that? You've been treating me like crap because of that? Now you say I don't understand?
I do understand. You're my obsession like he is to you. I've dealt with you leaving me multiple times. I've dealt with you dating him. I know it hurting so much it's physical. Your obsession, J.R., yelled at me for that.
You're my ex, I still love you. You're amazingly screwed up, like me, which I can't get enough of. You're a sadist. You enjoy seeing the pain you cause me. And I'm your masochist because I enjoy begging for you to come back, but if anyone else did this, I would let them out of my life.
Yes, I understand.
Love,
Lexi.

Nervous

The dance is tomorrow. I bought the dress when my tummy was empty and I was 5 pounds lighter. That makes me even more nervous than just the dance. None of my "friends" that I used too hang out with like me. J.P. is going, but, like the other dance, will probably ignore me. Oh, we're broken up, so I shouldn't care, but I still feel that way about her even though she thinks I'm worthless. But I'm kinda happy because she's no fun at dances. She doesn't dance. So, maybe it'll be funner.
Also, I've decided that no talk of food will enter this blog for a little while. This morning, I wanted to take a break from the whole blog, but you people are amazingly lovely that I didn't want to stay away. So, I compromised! The thing is, I wanna see what I'll do without feeling like I'm gonna tell someone.
Ok, I have this blanket that makes me feel...princessy and very lady-like. It's kinda an off white with a floral design. I'm bad at describing, but it's very lovely.
Hum... I have nothing else to say. :)

2 days.

Then it'll be time for the dance. Then it'll be time to see if I've gotten montrously fat or loss some from buying it. The dress was so tight when I bought it. Zipping it up was a task. But it was one of those dresses that you fall in love with.
I was 141 when I weighed myself during PE. We have a "skill test" at our school. For an A, you have to be able to lift 70 percent of your weight. I'm going for a C which would be 70 pounds, 50% ish of my weight. Sooo, I'm not as heavy as I thought, but really close.
Today was nearly as bad as yesterday was good. Lunch was my stumbling block. Nachos with cheese, sour cream, lettus, and a few olives and a few bites of rice. Breakfast was great, 9 blueberries and a third of a granola bar. Then after school I ate a fraggin cookie like it didn't matter. It DOES matter. I think it was, totally, about 473.02. Dinner, no matter what is made, will be about thirty blueberries and some pita bread(if we still have it). 581.42 ish. That's not as bad as I thought. Ok, I'm fine with this. I will fall back into 130s!!

Morning already.

I was sooo tired this morning. So, I ate 1/3 of a granola bar and 9 blueberries. Tastey. Also, I exercised this morning! Not much because I don't have much time and don't wanna get smelly before school, though. AND yesterday I decided to start a food/exercise journal. I split the page into two halves. One shows the foods I've eaten and the calories, the other shows what exercise I did, how long, and how many calories burned. This way I can compare them at the end of the day! :)Which is gonna be totally cool.
The weather is getting nicer. I think that's why I'm so cheery. To see the sun shine after so long of cloudy days. Ahh, lovely. But it's gonna be swimming season soon, too, and I wanna have a body to swim with. One that throws on a bikini and feels good. Or at least one I can stand to imagine in a bikini. Ah, what loveliness it would be even to imagine myself in a bikini and not think about my tummy and arm and leg flab jiggles. So, I have until Mom actually decides to take us swimming to fall below 130. Must. Stay. Focused.
I found out how easy weight loss can be snatched away when you relax just a little. 136 to a panic-inducing 145 in weeks. Now, it'll take forever to wiggle back down. Wiggle, wiggle. Like trying to get into too tight pants. Wriggle, wriggle. Wow, I'm totally rambling, sorry. It's before school nerves.

Eating? Neh, too busy trying to figure the world out

171 remember that number, it'll be important later.
Thank you, Zette! I hope it lasts too, haha!
J.P. and I are still kinda fighting. She wants to talk to J.R. and I'm telling her how if she does I won't be able to trust her because of what's happened the last few times she has. Apparently I've been acting like they're already speaking. I asked how he was because YES I DO THINK THEY'RE TALKING. Her reply? "Idk. Haven't spoken to him since Saturday." Wanna know what I got Saturday? A message from J.R. sayin that I wouldn't be loved or cared about ever. The same message said I was wrong for breaking up with my (now ex)boyfriend. That made me more sure that I was right with breaking up with him. No one like that tells me that I'm wrong for things I do. But I'm hurt that she spoke to him. Like, really hurt. Like, more hurt than I am now and my tummy is hurting a lot because I'm not used to this.
Everything ELSE was great. I walked around school with every fiber of my being feeling perfect and humming with caffiene. Some chick I didn't know told me that she liked my hair. People were acting extra friendly. People I barely know acted like we had hung out for months (not years, though). In geometry, my hand wouldn't steady for a little bit which was good and bad. Good because it meant I wasn't eating enough today. Bad because we're using the compasses that you use to draw circles and things with. I felt energized because I did some exercises in the morning and had a Crystal Light thing that's supposed to boost the metabolism and I had part of a Rockstar (25 calories worth).
Remember that number? That's my calories for today. All of it but 105 of it was liquids. That 105 was half a serving of peanut butter M&N's. Yeah, probably not the best solid to snarf down. I don't plan on eating dinner. Okay, so food for today.
2 Crystal Light Metabolism + things=20
Part of Rockstar=25
M&N's=105
Part of a cookie=21
Soooo healthy. Yeah, right!

Light as a feather

Today feels good. I may be proven wrong, but right now I feel light and airy. The part that wants this seems back. The part that will do this seems perky to be back. All feels well. ^^ It's great

Gah!!!

I don't know why, but I can't get the motivation to not eat one day. One tiny day. So, I'll try again later.
Wal-Mart here has their bikinis out. Depressed me because I'm still a huge ball of flub.
My older brother who is, like, 22 was diagnosed as diabetic recently. Which is great. It was a freakin wake up call for my parents to buy healthy foods. They docs put my brother on a 1800 calorie diet. Dad says he thinks that right now he takes in about 3000. WOW. Oh, my brother is autistic and can't speak, that's why it's not a wake up call for him. So, healthy foods being around=less calories in food=easier to stay under calorie limit. Yep, I'm so selfish that I think this is a good thing.
Tomorrow(or today, depending on how technical we are), I'm gonna give this fast one more try and if it don't work, I'll wait until Friday if that doesn't work, last try on Saturday(dance day, AHHH). Since I'm on this note, I think I gained weight, but then again it could be my anxiety problems. The broken scale says 150, but the fact that I fit into my size sevens says less than that... I'm so bleh about it. To be honest, I wish I didn't eat sooo much ever. I want back those days where I was around 200 calories.

Gah!!!

I don't know why, but I can't get the motivation to not eat one day. One tiny day. So, I'll try again later.
Wal-Mart here has their bikinis out. Depressed me because I'm still a huge ball of flub.
My older brother who is, like, 22 was diagnosed as diabetic recently. Which is great. It was a freakin wake up call for my parents to buy healthy foods. They docs put my brother on a 1800 calorie diet. Dad says he thinks that right now he takes in about 3000. WOW. Oh, my brother is autistic and can't speak, that's why it's not a wake up call for him. So, healthy foods being around=less calories in food=easier to stay under calorie limit. Yep, I'm so selfish that I think this is a good thing.
Tomorrow(or today, depending on how technical we are), I'm gonna give this fast one more try and if it don't work, I'll wait until Friday if that doesn't work, last try on Saturday(dance day, AHHH). Since I'm on this note, I think I gained weight, but then again it could be my anxiety problems. The broken scale says 150, but the fact that I fit into my size sevens says less than that... I'm so bleh about it. To be honest, I wish I didn't eat sooo much ever. I want back those days where I was around 200.

All bloodied.

My leg is cut up, though much less than I feel like my emotions are. J.P. and I had a little falling out...and she goes and tells J.R. what feels like everything to my paranoia. It could be just that one thing, my rational mind speaks, but then again... the fear is too overwhelming.
Nothing in my tummy except water. That's how it's gonna be until...I think I'm up to Tuesday now, because I messed yesterday up.
To be honest, I just wanna go to school and forget these people who hate me. Fall into the ones who don't. Allow myself to steal their happy moods and show it back to them. Feel a little less trapped. I wanna go to school.
I want J.P. to realize she's being just a, please pardon my French here but I don't know a better word to describe it, bitch. Yeah for a while it felt like freedom. Freedom to do as I wanted when I wanted and not have her making me feel bad. But now...it's worse than being entrapped. Maybe it'll get better with time. I highly doubt it, but maybe.
My MP3 player is lost. I may just go crazy without it. Nothing to block out these feelings except a mask thrown on for school. Nothing to help me deal with it except a razor blade and some lies. Yeah, sounds like a good time. Not really, but...whatever.

After seeing

this I wanted to do something similar, so here goes nothing.
I hurt my best friend because I was scared she would forget me.
Hurting myself makes up for all the tears I don't wanna cry.
Crying is a weakness.
My (now ex, I think) girlfriend doesn't get me.
At school, I fake happy.
Suicide seems like an option some days.
It's easier to cut than it is to move forward.
I miss the days I didn't have so many secrets.
There are days were not eating is easiest.
When this is all done with, I want my journal published.
One day it'll hit me that I've done nothing with my life.
I don't love, but I can fake it so well.
My ex-best friend was like a sister to me.
Dealing with all this paranoia makes me want to scream.
I try to be strong.
Music picks me up when I'm down, but also throws me down.
I wish I could be held instead of screamed at.
Fat seems to cling to me.


Okay, done with that. My liquids only is probably the reason I'm so...crazy today, but I'm not gonna stop. I'm still fat. It hurts, I don't want anyone to think it doesn't. Everything that does go down my throat upsets my stomach, but not enough for me to puke. I told J.P. how much I miss my ex-best friend and regret not being friends with her...She flipped out at me, making me want to die. I don't think we're friends anymore, let alone "dating". So, I'm gonna get a new razor and cut, really deep because it'll be a new razor and I feel like crap. Then I'll tell everyone that I didn't so they'll think I'm getting better. Until they see the blood seeping through my clothes. Can't let them think I'm still so broken. I'm gonna try to get friends who wanna hang out outside of my house because, well, Mom thinks I was sexually abused when I was younger. I don't, but let's try to please her, kay?
Okay, I'm gonna find something to do so that I keep my mind off of all this bull.

SCALE~

Mom baught me one today and we're leaving it in my room! So, later I'm stripping down to my underwear and finding how fat I am. Tomorrow and then Sunday, I'm gonna try to fast! Yup!
Okay, I talked to this dude who I never talk to, but think is very attractive (it's his stunning blue eyes). I pointed out how lonely he looked just leaning on the wall. He gave me the cutest smile. My heart was racing stupidly fast. Probably because he could have reacted any way and it scared me. But he's beautiful, so I took that leap because everytime I see him I wanna talk to him. Anyway, my thought was to look at him and politely say, "And don't act like you're too cool to be here because we all know that if you were, you wouldn't be here." Meaning, if he really thought he was, he would just skip school.
And then, since I'm a girl, I wanted to talk to someone about it. One of the chicks in choir that I've been talking to knows him like a brother, even calls him that. So, I told her how cute his smile is. She agrees. That boy doesn't show you his teeth, just smiles. A light in his eyes show up that says he's happy, but keeping it too himself.
Anyway, I'm rambling about a kid I don't know. Byes.

P.S. my scale says 140 with all my clothes on. So, liquids for tomorrow, Sunday, and possibly Monday now. 140 is unacceptable.

Morning comes too soon.

Today is a choir competion. We'll be there for twelve hours, at least. I'm already tired. Probably because I woke up at six and messed up my internal clock. Maybe I could sleep on the way there?
Valentine's Day is in 4 days and I have nothing to give J.P.. Though she probably won't give me anything, it'll be the first Valentine's Day that I'm not single, so I wanna give something to that person! J.P. means a lot to me and I wanna show her that she is.
Ok, let's go face the day now. The freezing cold day.

WiiFit

I need to start to using it again. And quit eating so much. Mainly candy and crap. Empty calories. Tsk. I should know better. So my lazy butt little brother should let me use the wii. Frick I'm scared of the wii, of a scale. What if I'm back to the 140s? Need to exercise. Makes me eat less.

Later:
Okay, better than I thought I was gonna be with weight. 139. Gross and depressing considering how hard I had worked, but not unexpected because of the lack of exercise and the junk food. But, I asked J.P. if she'd help me get to 117. That's all I am asking of her. 117. I know I'll still feel fat, but 117 is a nice place to start. Maybe no food tomorrow while I'm at the choir contest is a good place to start too.
Speaking of, I have to do this odd thing called sleep and "going to bed early", so goodnight everyone. :)

Broke my diet.

And told my brother about my cutting and J.R. and almost everything. It made me miss him and wish I had told him sooner, but it made me cry. My brother, B.M., is one of the most important people in my life and the fact that he wasn't the first to know may reflect that I want him to think of me as his "cute baby sister" still. Even over Facebook it was obvious he was upsetted by it. I don't know what to do. I wanna quit feeling, but I also wanna just feel better. Tonight, though, is a night for sleep. Not a night for wondering what will make me not care, but not put me to sleep. Tonight is not for thinking about what would make me feel happy, but isn't completely illegal. It's for sleep. Which I need to be doing.
Good night, lovelies.

Going to get my hair done!

I'm more excited than I can express. My hair is a part of me that I change often enough that it's hard to keep track of it. But it was brightest with a bright, bright red when I was super depressed. Maybe that's why, now that things are better, I want blue hair. Anyway, today I'm excited because I've been wanting to change my hair since the last time I dyed it. Sad, isn't it? Not because I didn't like it. Because J.R. did and that scared me.
Speaking of, he has a sister who made my day this morning. Her and this chick I get along with were talking about people who tick off J.R.'s sister. When I passed to my locker, she said I did. It pleases me that I tick her off. That means I matter more than she thinks I do. I'm freaking beastly. Or so I feel.
But even that doesn't matter compared to changing my hair in about 20 minutes! Not full-head blue, though because the bleach would kill my hair. :( Oh well, this is gonna be fun. I'm cutting it, dying, and just generally changing it.

Staying home~

I felt like crap this morning before school. Still feel like crap, but a little better. So, today I'm looking up diets to shrink me so that my dress isn't so freakin tight. It seems that the clothes I'm buying lately are too freaking tight. The shirts I bought recently are tight and it all annoys me. Anyway, I'll think (starting tomorrow until Saturday) I will have this meal plan:
Breakfast:
7 rice cake things(about 53.5)
bottle of water

Lunch:
Orange (35)
turkey sandwich (about 220)
water

Supper:
9 rice cake things (about 68.8)
Water

Total: 377.3

Also, tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut and dyed and goosh I'm excited! Hopefully it will go okay because I'm having a different person than I usually do. Since it's noon already, I'm gonna eat my other six rice cakes then (if Dad's up) make a huge show of eating the orange and sandwich. If he isn't, I'll eat it as a "snack".

I feel like an idiot.

Okay, I read my last post like 90 thousand times, so you would think I would've caught this. But I didn't until miss Rachael. I said nonfiction instead of fiction. Maybe it's my groggy mind that I didn't pick up on that or I just wanted to make 304923094823094 posts today and that was another reason to make me. Either ways, I'm sorry for my goofy mistake.
Okay, this sounds insane, even to me, but my mommy is on anti depressants that decrease appetite. My meds increase my appetite. So... my desire to just "forget" my meds one day and take hers (when no one is around or anything) and I'm having a really hard time talking myself out of it. I keep thinking "Oh, maybe I'll plan a fast and take one of hers in the morning and one of mine at night and mine will put me to sleep and hers will decrease my appetite..." and things like that. She might notice, might not. She sometimes takes it everyday, sometimes every other. Gosh, I don't need to be worrying you guys with my crazy thoughts on pills and crap. Let's talk about something a little more pleasant, ok?
I have both my ears peirced three times. Since I'm getting a little bit of my hair cut off in TWO (the excitement is building) days, I'm thinking of asking my mom to make the 45 minute trip to get my right ear peirced a forth time. It's been at least six months since I got the third one on my right ear done, so maybe she'll go for it?? Doubt it, though, because the third one on my left ear was only a couple months ago (the day before T.H. decided that she was a bird and was gonna break her leg out of her body by jumping off a balcony 14 feet off the ground) and that will be the one that she remembers more. To be honestly, though, getting my ear peirced is like...it feels right, even though it hurts to have the dude ram a needle through my ear. It hurts more when he puts the earring in it.
Okay, I think... I'm gonna take one of my pills. If no one is up, I'm gonna grab one of my mom's and hide it in my room. In case I talk myself into taking it. Also, I need to throw away the tiny bit of razor still existing in my room because I promised to quit and told J.P. I wouldn't do it tonight or not tell her when I do. Okay, nightie night, for reals this time.

Goals...Huh?

I'm in high school, the time where everyone wants to know what you wanna do with your life. I don't even have small goals. So, you get to watch as I form them.
1. I'll get out of these sevens and into fives before next year.
2. In two days, I will not chicken out. I will have them cut my hair, put a tint of color over the faded black (if they can, that is), and have them dye these white streaks dyed blue.
3. I will, before the end of my life as a high schooler, bleach my hair again, and this time dye it blue.
4. I'll keep it blue for at least two years, even if it means letting it fade out/grow out and adding streaks of some other color.
5. I will make myself realize that high school does NOT really last forever. Eventually I will be out of here and will never have to deal with the people who mentally screwed me up.
6. I will stop cutting. It's unhealthy. Mom and Dad know about it and Mom now thinks I'm the problem child. Also, it causes J.P. to cry. Yes, I have to think about reasons to quit.
7. I will allow myself to just...breath and escape into my own world through writing.
See, I'm setting these now so I'll be able to make more long term goals. Eventually they'll tell me that authoring nonfiction is not a "real" job and that I need a "real" job. But that's all I've wanted to do since I was about eight (since I learned to seriously write). There are chicks in my grade who are just like "Yep, I'm gonna be a lawyer/doctor/some high paying job/teacher(dun get that one either)." Parts of me demand this small bit of order, but I never actually sit down and type/write it up.
Have I ever told you guys how much I love you? Whether we're crumbling or standing tall with our middle finger up it seems someone has some encouraging words to make everything THAT much better. It's like "I'm going through this, you're going through this, let's go through it TOGETHER!" or even if they're going through two completely different things it's like "I'm glad you're so happy!/Aw, feel better soon./I'm sorry you feel so horrible. Things will get better soon, but until then I'm here for you." My friends in real life aren't even really like that. I tell J.P. I wanna weigh 110, she tells me how unhealthy is. I know it's unhealthy, but I don't want someone who's gonna tell me how unhealthy I am. I want someone who will help me get there and/or just be there when I need them.
Also, Valentine's Day is coming up. All the candy on the shelves make me dizzy with want. I wanna eat it all. But then I see those huge stuffed animals and it makes me think of those pictures with the really skinny chick hugging the huge stuffed animal or getting on from her boyfriend. So it balances out. Wait, that's not what I wanted to say. From now until the day or so after Valentine's Day, my blog will be decked out in love and reds and pinks and hearts and all of the "Valentine's Day decorations". Because I always get excited for holidays. Even the ones that seem minor because we haven't really celebrated them since grade school. Please forgive me if you hate Valentine's Day.

Alright, I'm gonna start working on that Valentine's Day-ness. Have a good day/night.

I feel out of the loop.

I have a small amount of blogs that I follow and that may be because I feel like when I skip a day or two of reading you guys' posts, I feel like there are lots of them to catch up with. Haha, Oh well.
And I was talking about keeping my old pills if they had any side effects I would like. Well, I found out that it DOES supress appetites..if it's giving liver failure or something weird like that. So, it was actually tempting to take more than was prescibed to me (25 mg), but I've decided that I don't want to tempt fate. So I'll get around to throwing them away eventually.
J.P. went home today. Which is a good-bad thing. Good because I get alone time. Yay! Bad because I'm used to sharing my bed with her, used to being able to ask her questions that were bothering me to no end. Bad because eating "healthy" around her seems mandatory and easy. Good because I can happily quit eating "normal". We bought ranch rice cake things. 17 for only 130 calories. Hum... How about six of them for about fourty-eight calories instead? For breakfast, anyway. Then I'll quit eating lunch everyday. Make it a treat to eat lunch.
Ugh, Dad calls me anorexic and tells me I need to start eating and quit puking. I have never MADE myself puke. Ever. It's an easy way out (and it hurts). Yes, I restrict calories and I hate eating. That doesn't mean I'm anorexic. Just means I'm messed up a little. Anyway, he's been telling me since I was eight to skip meals and then when I quit being fat he tells me I'm anorexic. For those of you who are older and have parts of the world figured out, is there anyway to please parents?
And thank you for the comment even if you haven't been commenting. :) One comment and I'll be happy for a long while.
Kay, I'm gonna start thinking of what to write next because since I've quit taking that one medication I've been able to spark ideas and let the fire just burn. Does that make sense?


P.S. I bought a pair of size 9 skinny jeans (yes, I'm a fattie, I know) and they're too big! Like, I expect them to be tight!

Avril Lavigne and more nonsense

Avril is beautiful and she may not be the tiniest girl ever, but seeing her new music video was an instant trigger for me. She looks tiny and fit and...beautiful. Maybe because when I was little Avril's style was something I tried to copy. She's beautiful and I could go on and on about how she's just my inspiration to lose all this fat, but I'll quit there.
I have also been looking up Asian fashion. Totally inspiration for me, buttt~ it looks more normal. Gosh, pretty people just amaze me.
May I admit something to you? I've been avoiding the wiifit, going through dramatic mood swings, and just feel like I'm going crazy. That's mainly why I haven't done a "proper" post. With the wiifit, I'm scared that I gained weight and I dun wanna see it as a number. I already see it as pudge. Maybe I'll drag myself onto it tomorrow?
The mood swings could be from starting one medication and stopping another one. About a week a part. The mix of the drugs was making me feel like I wasn't sleeping at night which, as a high school student, is not a good thing. So since the old one wasn't helping any (it was for my headaches) I just stopped taking it. I know they say not to do that, but for the first day I felt amazing and just spazzed out about everything. It was AMAZING. Now, I'm kinda cranky. Less than I was on both pills, but still very cranky. Maybe if I actually did something I would feel better. But all of this makes me feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like cutting more. Heck, I put my razor in the back of my phone so I would have it on me at school. J.R. being around makes me tense and very anxious and I get the flight or fight response, only I wait for him to make the first move so I don't look like a complete idiot. The fact that he freaks me out so bad just because of a few messages over the internet may say that originally I was mentally weak, but I was very happy. Oh well, I think I'm gonna grab my old pills, find out what they do at a higher dose and if it's anything desirable, I'll hide them away somewhere in my room until it all runs out and then, well, I'll just be out of those. Yes, I'm starting to realizing that I'm screwed up.
Alright, toodles.

Ick.

Cut my leg at school because I saw J.P. and...one of the things in my life that don't even deserve a name speaking. Call me a wuss or whatever, but I did it. It hurt. But I felt better!
Okay~, gonna gooo. Byes.

Today is....

Ups and downs mingled together. I quit taking a medicine I take for my headaches. It feels soo great to actually feel alive. And with this bounciness comes being able to put off my hunger. So, all I have had so far is a marshmellow(22.5) and I'm gonna drink some flavored water (10) ssooo before noon it'll be 32.5. It is exciting!~ I have no set calorie limit, so let's hope it'll work. Ok, gonna do some sit ups and push ups and play on the wiifit and brush my teeth and, you knoww, keep busy. Maybe I'll just dance around and keep J.P. entertained, haha. I'll do some writing too. I love to writing. It's not very long yet and it's beautiful. I just wanna keep busy. Hah. Keep yourselves happy today.
Okay, time to actually start my day.

I think something is seriously wrong

I sleep at least eight hours a night for the week that J.P. has been here. I've eaten like a dang cow. Still, always tired, getting bags under my eyes, my moods change in a snap, I even crashed one day after school like I used to do when I was only getting five hours a night. Maybe it's this medicine..?
This is the first night I've actually been awake while one it. I feel like slicing opening a vein even though the whole FREAKING world knows about it. I feel like starving until I can't see straight. To be honest, I feel screwed up. I cannot think of anything that should happen in the story I was working on. Maybe I'll write a letter to my councilor explaining how crappy I feel like (because I can never seem to remember when she asks about it two or three weeks later) and then actually cut myself open. I haven't since, like, the 15th. I'm scared, and wondering if I should try to not to, but panic seems to be filling and that is the only way that I've found for curing all of this and I don't really know what to do.
Can I learn to be normal again? Or did J.R. wreck that part of me, laugh as it went up in smoke? Can I learn to not mention how fat I feel after eating all day? Can I learn to laugh at how I act now instead of being terrified that someone will find out what I'm simply willing to tell them?
There are three words I would use to describe myself, but I wonder who would and who wouldn't agree with me. The three words: Afraid, ruined, broken. Can you believe I laugh in the face of danger? Can you believe that I didn't care who was fat and who wasn't? That I didn't care if I was? Now here I am. Cuts on my body, starvation on my brain, and if you find the pieces of my soul please ask them to come back so I can try to mend it. I'm sure you have been somewhere like here. The almost darkest part of your world were you just want to cry, but you cannot cry. Crying is like announcing defeat.
And I cannot announce defeat.