Try going through life feeling alone

I'm sure most of us have had a few days where we feel totally by ourselves even if we aren't. I'm a selfish brat. I'm such a selfish brat that I'm mad my friend spent an hour and ten minutes more with her "boyfriend" then she did with me, her supposed-to-be best friend. I'm such a selfish brat that realizing this makes me want to curl up on the floor and start crying. I'm sch a selfish little brat that I wait quite a few minutes to reply to her text messages. Yeah, I'm pretty set on letting you guys know I'm a total selfish little brat.
I told myself I wasn't getting back on here, but I'm so sick of feeling alone, so here I be.


Edit- 7/29/10 11:40ish
I'm that kid who smiles, but under all that they're a wreck. Under that they're screaming. Under that, they're crying. Under that they're seething mad...still. Under that...they are pleading for a way out or a safety net to catch them when they jump.
When I'm with people, I can be so happy, honestly, but when I get home...it all crashes down. I know this for sure..because I'm dealing with it now. I saw one of my best friends today. She gives awesome hugs. And I'm told I give awesome hugs, so when we hug, it's a mash of awesomeness. But that's not why I'm telling you about her. I saw her and a couple of her friends. We had a blast being...high schoolers in Wal-Mart, but on the way home, I realized how depressed I feel, what(and how much) I ate, and how much I hate that my "best" friend is with who she's with. Generally, I felt broken. Yep, I'm clingy with people, I think. That's why it scares me to think that I CAN date. I get too close to people is short amounts of time...but then I come and feel broken, not right. I asked my friend if she was alright. Man, I wish one of my friends would do that for me and then let me rant without it exploding to an argument.

Writing...

Seriously, I haven't really thought about getting on because I've been writing. It's crazy. OH Wait, I've been doing other things. Like, I went to the air port and got my cousin and I watched, like, 7 episodes of the first season of Degrassi. I wish I could say the first seven, but number seven wouldn't play so I skipped over it to number 8. Okay, I'm going to go write a little more.
OH I got super bored, like you wouldn't even believe, and did THIS:

The Epic, Melodramatic Tales of Mistcreek

I'm feeling evil today...

I've taken one of the many story ideas that run through my head. Now, I'm thinking up my main characters and one of them seems really...perfect. First thought through my head when I realized that? "We're going to rape her." It's the caffeine, I swear, but I DID already have it in my mind that SOMEONE was going to be raped. Just because the story was going to be a VERY dramatic high school with EVERYTHING going wrong(because for some reason that's how I think my high school experience will be). This is what I get for being a strange person. I think of the worst things.
I felt as though it should be announced to someone how messed up I and my family and friends wouldn't find it as amazing as I would that I think so far ahead sometimes.
Okay, I'm gonna get off and work on it.
BYES! ^^

EDIT 7/20/2010, 5:42PM:
Okay, so I changed that character's...character. Yeahhs. Now she's a little less perfect...but lots of crap ish going to happen to her. I swear to yous.

Here I come, crawling back...

After today of forcing myself to eat "normally" and exercising and still watching the numbers on the scale crawl back up, I freaked out. My stomach has hurt sooo much today. For some reason, it sent off the freak out alarm in my head. Don't ask me why, I don't know.
My pansy work out:
Total of 130 sit ups
Total of 44 push ups (my arms are just really weak for some reason)
Total of 110 jumping jacks
and 50 leg lifts on each leg.
Add in playing with my small dog, chasing her around the house, and a little bit of walking around.
So, we didn't go to any yard sales, I wanted to throw a temper tantrum because I'm BARELY a seven in my jeans and all of the cute skirts were size 5 or 3. Why would I want skirts? Well, they seem more girlie than shorts and I hate how I have knee high and above the knee socks and NO ONE can see them because of my pants!
Anyways, I waggled my butt into my first size seven jeans.They're a little tight, but someone shoot me if they don't fit by school. Which... I think we register for August 6. Gosh, I feel like I'm gonna be so messed up by time school starts that my family is going to disown me or some stupid crap. Downing coffee even though the AC has died, worrying so much about my weight, trying to shrink away. Maybe I am just messed up. I'm babbling.
Goodnight. sigh.

SCREW IT!! (will probably be meaningless later)

SCREW YOU!! I don't have to be dead thin to be beautiful! To feel happy! There are better things to waste my time with! Like, I dunno, MARVELING at the fact that I'm FINALLY to the point that my BMI doesn't say I'm overweight (24.8)! Or that sitting in my room by myself, cold and hungry and near tears, has been happening too much lately! I could be writing instead of counting away my days!
Okay, my rare lapse into sanity is over. Insanity is claiming me again. The insanity that has me looking me in the mirror and thinking, "That's not me. She' cute!! And me...well, I'm not. At all." Seriously, I was dancing in front of the bathroom mirror, thinking to myself, "That girl could be a band's lead singer. She seems to charismatic. She's def. not me." Then, as I walked down the lighted tunnel of sanity a tiny voice was whispering to me, "But that beautiful girl is you. You made her beautiful." It whispered it over and over and over, dragging me back to a sane state of mind. But then I sat down and started typing and realized how little sense I made. And back down the rabbit hole I fell.
Goodnight. I'm going shopping with my mom later today.

This is mind bggling

So, I've been fat and lazy the past two days. I should've GAINED weight. Logic says this to be true. But I've gone from 153 to 152.8 which isn't a HUGE drop, but it should have been a rise not a drop. Gonna go with Mom to get rid of rented games. TOODLES! ^^

So, I almost decided what I wanted my website to be about.

I ALMOST decided that I wanted it to be a forum for, like, unprofessional writer's to get inspired by each other with places for them to post their works and get review. Then, I thought I about how that would make me want to write a story WITH someone (motivation is lacking with me) and then I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to pull something like that off. I mean, I'm a timid fourteen year old who doesn't know a dang thing about keeping a website running. Really, honestly, truly, I cannot, for the life of me, imagine it working. Should I propose the idea to my dad/web-maker? Or should I sweep it under the carpet and forget it?

EFF IT!!

Saying I didn't fast is a understatement. Saying I ate like the whale I am is a better statement. Yeah, I ate like a fat, flubby WHALE! How am I ever going to be thin enough if I keep being a whale?! What have I done for exercising? Walked the dog and chased thhe dog for about 3 minutes! FLUBBINESS!
Whatever. I'm done ranting for tonight. I'm getting off

Music.

It's becoming my safety net. Like this song by TobyMac begins:

You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for you life,
But why? oh why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And there's always scars
When you fall back far

And nearly every time I listen to I get chills because just by looking at me I'm pretty sure that someone could tell when I feel like crap. On the other hand, I've also been listening to Failure by Designer Jeans by From First to Last. WHICH REMINDS ME! Only liquids today and tomorrow to make up for yesterday and the end of the day before. Can't believe they got pizza and part of a waffle down my throat! With syrup! GOSH! Okay, this dude that I guess I kinda has a crush on (probably because he's a connection to a more innocent, happy me) had a baseball game yesterday. No, I didn't get to see it, but they did win... because the other team couldn't make it. BUT I saw his younger sisters who are the cutest things in the world. I talked to one of them for a little while, but she seemed pretty busy and my friend seemed to not want me to hang out with her, so we only got to talk a little. The fact that I did talk shocked me to no end. I mean, to me, she's like a stranger any more. Yet I talked to her as though a day hadn't passed without us speaking to one another. I missed her because she's just...bubbly. It's refreshing to be around someone who is bubbly because they just are and not someone who doesn't know what bubbly really is, but they try to be it and end up being annoying(my friend is like this some times).
OK! Back to the baseball game I missed. I really wanted to see him play, even though that's embarrassing to admit. I wanted to be one of those random faces in the crowd that he sees when just kinda glancing at the crowd. I wanted to cheer for him and his team even though I usually cheer for the other team (I really don't like where I live). I wanted to know that even though he, probably, doesn't care about me, I showed that I cared about him in a way. But I should stop dwelling on it. He dates the really thin, sporty kind of chick. And I am neither thin nor sporty. Rarely, he enters my thoughts, but when he does... It's torture. I should be over it. I should realize I'm worth more than some brat a grade below me. I shouldn't feel as though I wish I failed this year so that we would have a slip hope of being together in a class. I shouldn't care. Yet because I'm such a drama queen (that's how it seems) I don't just forget it! I'm such an idiot. Can someone, please, tell me this will eventually pass?

Closer to Love by Mat Kearney(song):

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away


Okay, I'm going to get off now. To walk my dog. DUDUDU!!

If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep, then I'm putting out the lantern, find your own way back home

Screwed up today. I had my friend come over because I was dying of loneliness and I know I can't fast around her. She claims she used to be like this too and I do not doubt her skinny butt on that.
Going to bed. Good night.

153. 153. 153. 153. 153.

That's my weight at the doctors. No water weight because I went before going to the doctors and then had to do a urine test which for some reason freaked me out. Today is just crappy. Lost my phone, the bunny I saved from getting tortured and then eaten died anyway, and eff it, I'm by myself with my non-verbal older brother who knows he can get away with anything. So, without a second thought, I asked my friend if she wanted and could come over. If she can, that means I will more than probably eat something with chocolate in it. That's cause I'm stupid, you know?
Sadly, I feel like my friend is going to get off before sh reads the message I sent her. I'm so tired. The three times I went to sleep last night, I dreamed I had pigged out and was freaking out because I was suppose to be fasting...
See? I'm always right. My friend got off before reading it. Ho. Fagot. Jerk. I'M SO SICK OF BEING ALONE!!! I would text her if I could find my phone!! Whatever, Jerk, leave it so that my only friends are the starvation that pleads for my to go to the kitchen and pig out and that effing razor blade that you know I love. Whatever, I'm sick of games, of lying just because I know that what I have to say will start a fight, fighting, feeling.
I'm getting off now.
Sorry to end it on such a sickening note.

Well, uh, dang.

I thought that I was getting my physical(needed to be a freshie in high school) NEXT Monday. Not this Monday. Today. Meaning, I'll have a day and some hours of fasting telling me how tiny I could be without eating.
Oh, and I feel like... super. So, being the loser I am, I really wanted to taste that cheeseburger. I mean, my mom had made it just for me, even asking what kind of cheese I wanted. So, I took a bite and just let it sit on my tongue. It tasted soo effing amazing, I'll admit that. AND I'll also admit that I spat it out of the window without considering swallowing it.It felt amazing. Then, I went and made sure the cats ate it. I left the equivalent of one bite on the plate so that my mom believed I got full before getting to the corn. It feels nice, not eating.
^^ I'm going to write in my journal so that I can finish the one notebook I'm using so I can use the one Mommy(I'm a little kid) gave me. Let's hope that I weight less that 154 tomorrow at the doctor's, eh? Goodnight.

So...

I told my mom that I wanted a cheeseburger, though I didn't have plans to eat it to begin with. Cheeseburgers can be thrown out the window for the cats. Corn... on the other hand, can't. I'm not gonna eat it. You couldn't pay me to eat the thing today. I'm empty and I like that. I'm wondering if my mom will think it suspicious if I don't eat the corn... Maybe not... That cheese burger is kinda big. Hum... Maybe I'll get lucky and she won't notice if I slip it back onto the place where the rest of the corn is.
Okay, gonna go take care of supper. =) See ya later, gators. ♥

Went Shopping With My Older Brother

Yep. Bought myself a medium chick shirt (they're smaller than dude shirts). I'm excited. It effing fits. Sure, sure, it's tight, but IT FITS! My goal is to be able to fit into it without looking down and going, "Hey there, fat." Meaning my goal is for it to eventually (soon) be baggy! Eff yeah! Also, I decided I'm going to do a week long fast. Any tipsies? Tonight I know how to get out of supper. Duh, take the dog for a walk right as they start eating. For some reason my mommy never gets tipped off that I'm probably not going to eat later.
Oh! Since we're talking about my mom to begin with, she's amazing. I don't know how she knew, but she got me a new notebook today which is amazing because I was wonder about what to do when I filled my journal up. It's Alice in Wonderland which only proves my mom's awesomeness even more. It's beautiful and all the blank pages send wave after wave of excitement through me. Before I know it, I'll have all one hundred pages filled because I sometimes write 3-7 pages for one day. Usually it's just me rambling because my days are all the same it feels. This is proof of my insanity: my journal's name is Aidan and I write in it like he's actually going to respond. I know that I won't get a response, but I feel stupid writing like someone won't later pick it up and read it. At the start, Aide was suppose to be my GA(those who get this shortening, don't laugh, I was youngish), just someone to listen as I broke down or picked myself up. Now, it's just a way for me to not feel stupid as I journal. Also, I think as time went on the spelling went from Aiden to Aidan. ...and I'm rambling again...
Okay, getting off before I seem totally crazy. Haha.
Byes

Yay! Yay! Yay!

So, today MAY not make up for yesterday, but when you get away with only eating 327 when my mom's around, it's totally amazing. And then to burn off more than that easily....wow. See, I, like, crashed and had a two and a half hour long nap which left me freaking out and then I realized that, Hello, you burn calories (very few) while sleeping. So... I founded out how many I had burned and so with all the work I did and all, I still don't have a final result because I don't know if eating celery should be counted as a way calories were burned or as calories...Humm... Well, does anyone know how many calories are burned digesting celery?
Okay, I'm gonna go now. BYEbye ^^

GORY MENTAL IMAGES HERE

So... I just realized that I'm kinda really scared to sleep. See, last night I had a dream where my mom and I were just talking calmly and it was kinda like a cut scene in video games where you don't see the people talking, but things going on around. It was horrific. People were jumping into wood chippers and others were getting their fingers cut off and stuff. One statement I remember clearly was my mom saying, "We collected a lot of wood that year." with me replying, "Yeah, and human flesh." I should have woken up screaming and crying. I should've felt totally disturbed. Yet I laid there, freaked out for about five seconds and then trying to forget the mental images. But... you don't forget that kind of thing. It's engraved as though you actually watched it happen.
But the whole thing makes the text I sent to my friend even funnier. "I'm some satanic beast that is bad for your "spiritual health"."
...I don't really have anything else to say... EXCEPT I STARTED WRITING A STORY! I forgotted. But I'm kinda stuck because I don't know what to name one of the main characters because I want his name to deal with, like, death or something because I plan on killing him off to save the other main character.

I'm gonna go now before I say something REALLY stupid. Like, seriously I have so many stupid things running through my head. I need to sleep, but I really don't want to. What if I dream of something worse than that? What if they just keep getting worse and worse and I keep feeling nothing during them? I mean, I've been chased by zombies, ghost, more zombies, people, made out with a vampire, moved to a new town, was nearly strangled by like an evil little girl(she beat up her brother so bad he went to the hospital.), got transported into a video game and nearly killed, thought my mother was going to be turned into a doll by a clown(by the way, clowns don't scare me), and had a zombie impersonate my older brother(with a pet monkey) and ALL of those made me scaredish during it and after I woke up. Gosh, I want farther in my head to see why I wasn't freaking out over the whole loads of people are committing suicide and there's nothing anyone can do about it thing. Does anyone do that type of thing? You know, dive into people's minds somehow and drag up reasons like that? Can't believe it's almost six in the morning and I'm not in bed.
I know, I know, I need sleep even if I don't want to, but I REALLY don't want to. Okay, I'm going to stop for real now and go look up stuff. I don't know what stuff, but it will be cool stuff.

Frick.

Closest I've come to swearing on here, no? It's well needed, trust me. Binged like Imma bear and winter is gonna be here really soon and I'm so not ready. Wanna purge, but the walls are so thin and I don't think I'd be able to bring myself to do it. So... Maybe I'll run around the back yard for a nice little while... Haha, maybe I'll throw it up because if you run too much after eating cheese or yogurt or drinking milk, it comes back up. My brother found out the hard way. Gosh I'm a fat kid. Seriously, pictures of me are, like, reverse thinspo, I swear.
Really, I wanna fast tomorrow to make up for today, but Mom's gonna be home all day. So, I'm screwed.
Gonna go for a quick run. Push myself as hard as I can, hope to puke, do it again, hope to puke it all up. Fat little me probably won't puke up a thing, but it's worth the insane try!
Byes!

Edit-after Run
So, I'm a pansy. I got out of breath and quit. Yeah, like I'm gonna burn anything off like that. Oh and I didn't puke like I wanted. Chugged most of a diet mountain dew and then ran and nothing but burping. I wish I was WAY more determined. Like, to the point that I just run until I collapse. That would be heaven! Okay, gonna go be a fatty and sit on my fatty butt and play video games. Toodles.

Ugh! Rawr! Rant!!

Didn't get to walk the dog. I ish screwed into going to the ER for matters not related to food. Ugh.
On other news, my dad wants to make me a website. I dunno what to use it for because he is making it. Otherwise I would have it related to, well, EDs. So I am just royally screwed.
Suggestions, anyone?
Gosh, I'm so lonely, and I would give out my cell number so someone out there could text me, but I've got that small fear that you'll stalk me.
Gonna go read more Cirque du Freak. SPEAKING OF anyone got any good, like, teen horror? Yeah, I know, someone my age should be going for the romance but screw romance. I'm tired of romance novels. Really, I want good horror, not stupid okay, we're gonna try to make you pee your pants, but otherwise this is trash kind of horror.
Ok, actually gonna go now. This is Ixia on her celly phone signing off! Woo

Edit, after ER:
So... found out I'm as fat as I've been guessing. 155. Ew. Just plain ew. BUT! :) Less than 300 and burned off like 350. I bet I'm going to break down and, like, binge soon. Please no. Oh please effing no. That would suck sooo much.
Found out that I'm secretly stupid. Totally over look the fact that I can run in place. Yep, I'm a little dumb sometimes.

Even though I'm still fat...

I think I'm going to do loads of swimming this summer. Why? It's a fun way to burn calories AND no one will be suspicious~! I told my brother that I wanna Walk to my grandma's and back as a work out. If I could do it, it would be a work out. There are loads of hills and stuff. Okay, I SHOULD be writing because my friend is going to be back tomorrow sometime from camp and she's going to expect me to have the first chapter of our story finished. But see, sitting still is getting hard. Really, I think I'm getting addicted to actually being active. Haha, let's hope it doesn't get so bad that I won't be able to sit during class when school starts! OH! I just remembered that the high school has loads of stairs that I will have to run up, probably, 5 days a week! That's gonna be loads of calories, you know! Wow!
Really, I need to start running. Let's see if I have clothes I could use for running laying around in my room... Ok, I have a pair of my friend's shorts that she left here, so I guess they're gonna work until A, she asks for them back, or B, I get my own pair of shorts... If they fit.... Cause she's tiny and I'm fat. Okay, they're kinda tight and ugly on me... But I should probably use them or I'll talk myself out of running all together.
Okay, so, I think I'm gonna get off, take a shower, and then...take the dog for a walk! GASP!

Yay, hopefully.

Okay, first, while I love comments (they make me feel loved!) I don't know, really, how I SHOULD reply to them (and all-what, two?- of the one's I've gotten seem to need a reply). Anyway, Eva, dude(please read as dear, if you prefer), I came back from that walk feeling hot, sticky, dizzy, and effing amazing! The dog, poor Mya, looked tired even though it was only 13 minutes before I felt too dizzy and like I didn't have anywhere else to walk her(more the second one than the first).
Now that I've skillfully replied to all my comments, I shall proceed to post (just so you know). Mom told me that when she gets paid the 15th we'll probably get a scale. Then, on the 31 I can get shorts to run in. I think, IF I'm thin enough, I'll get short shorts. I don't wanna be one of those fat chicks who seem to think they can pull off short shorts when, really, they look horrid in them.
I have been so ADDICTED to Fable 2, for the XBox 360, that I stay up until nearly 6 in the morning JUST playing it. Meaning, no effing eating. Seriously, last night, getting to bed was horrible. I was tired, I hadn't eaten since, like, 10 PM(when I was trying to make my dad think he was wrong) and I swear I felt like I was on air.
Can't believe my friend is coming back in two days (don't count today). I want her to look at me and try to ignore the fact that I've lost lots of weights. OH! I started running today, but I tried doing it in jeans and got too hot way too fast. I know, I'm an idiot for trying that on such a humid day as today.
You know, today is one that I am really happy with. Seee, this afternoon, around 2-3, I had two chocolate chip cookies, each being 140. That means 280 just right there at the start. So, honestly, I believed today would be just another flop. NOPE! Haha! Under 500! Sadly, I've only burned off about 260 of them. Most was fruit though.
Ok I gotta go. Good luck to whoever just bothered to read this.

Screwed yesterday up... On purpose.

EFFING DAD!! He freaked me out yesterday to the point I freaking ate a whole bunch. I had a toasted peanut butter sandwich and three cinnamon and sugar crackers (broke in half and made into sandwiches) with peanut butter on them! See, I have this tick bite that's getting a rash around it (don't worry, I'm going to the doc about it) and my dad said it was getting worse because I'm "bulimic and or anorexic." Then he asked if I was puking and I told him no because I'm NOT. So, he said that I'm anorexic and I freaked out because having him think that means he'll be watching my eating patterns and bull crap and it just freaks me out. My mom, on the other hand, is oblivious and even helps. "You want a salad?" Yes, Mom, I would love that low cal salad to be the only thing I eat for dinner! And it is. Yeah, I'm pretty sure my supper was 50 calories or less. Sadly, I still need to work off the effing cookies I ate. Why must I be a sucker for cookies?! Why?!?
Gosh, I wish I could add some people from here onto my facebook, but my friend would be asking me where I met you guys and it would get complicated. Sigh. I just get so lonely during the summer. No one likes me then. I don't know why because I seem to be THE person they ALL want during school. Do I get mean during the summer or something? Like anyone would really know. Maybe I'm just too lazy during the summer and blow them off too much.
Okay, haha, gonna go walk my dog. Burn off supper! Haha! See, I can SO do this! Gotta say positive, gotta stay positive... Or, I'll feel like I can't do this and then I'll give up on myself and be a fat lard forever!

Something has gotten into me today

Yesterday, I thought I was gonna have a great day and then I realized that I have a sweet tooth and suggested we go out for ice cream. UGH!! Curse me and my stupidity! Curse my love for you, you stupid ice cream! Today, NO chance of ice cream, buttery (fatty) popcorn, or ANY other sweet. I swear this to you. I woke up at 11:23 AM which was kinda crappy because I went to bed at 5:30ish in the morning. So, I got up and played the game that I rented yesterday until my brother wanted to play his game (and I let him because I had played from, like, nine last night until five twentyish when I decided it was bedtime). Seriously, Fable 2 ish addicting! Well, then I took Mya (my cute little doggie) for a walk. It was hot (like 93 degrees hot) so after 13 minutes of walking, we decided to come back. For some reason, I didn't feel weird doing crunches and push ups and stretching while I watched my brother play his game. Somewhere in there it hit, "HOLY CRAP! I haven't eaten." So, I sucked it up and ate a strawberry. I started pacing, you know, just to burn a few more calories because I'm a pansy who can only do, like, 10 push up and 30 crunches at a time. I don't breathe right when I do push ups. Just a few moments ago I broke down and had a 93 cal meal-snack. Half a cup banana, half a cup strawberries. Yummy. Now, I'm chilling out, blogging my effing day, sipping on green tea. Yep, I made it myself. Around 6, I'm gonna try to walk the dog for, I dunno, 40-50 minutes.
Honestly, I think I'm doing all this RIGHT now because my friend is gone for 4 more days at church camp. Maybe it's a big "EFF YOU! You know I'm self-destructive!" Which reminded me, for some reason, my mom mentioned that instead of getting a scale first, we get a treadmill. Like, a really cheap, $200 one. My brother objects, saying that getting out and just walking is better for you. Which, sure, it is because more calories are used when there's a changing terrain, but having a treadmill INSIDE means that my flubby family is more likely to do it. And I'LL use it, like, a lot.
Okay, I've outlined my day so far, I need to get off now before I go on a huge rant about how FAT I feel, but how strong I also feel for being awake for about 4 hours and 20 minutes with only a 97 cal intake and a usage of, like, 150 cals (not impressive, but I'm not done yet for today). Let's hope I can get away with a salad for supper so I don't feel like I'm a screw up!
TOODLES!

I feel like today could be a good day.

I have only had 53 calories. 53. And I have been up for probably an hour. AND what I ate was healthy. OK, it's going to be great eating wise, I think, but it actually will be horrid. My mom is working today and none of us really know how to deal with my oldest brother. So the responsibility will fall on me. NATURALLY! Whatever, in 4 years I am going to not deal with it. Ever again. I'm going to get off now, dears. So that I don't rant anymore and ruin someone's day (ha! like that will happen!).