Love

I won't admit it to myself or them. First, it would mess everything up. Second, I think I would go crazy if I admitted it to myself. Any normal person would just let go for acting so nuts, but I just... can't.
I told J.P. I would hang out with her and J.R. (because she threw this fit about how she couldn't take it anymore) if she held my hand. A physical anchor, something I like close to offset how BAD I would feel. Know what she told me? She doesn't hold hands and I can either grow up and hang out with them or be immature and pout. You have to realize that before I went to geometry tutoring, he came up and I felt like I shattered, my stomach fell out, and J.P. would completely ignore me...so I left...and nearly started crying when I got to tutoring.
OK, I ate today. So none tomorrow. Pinkie promises.

I don't mean to, I'm just a bad girl.

What I mean with the title is that I ended up carving "NEED" into my, like, bicept area.
So...my day...Ok, so J.P. went right to J.R. this morning. Well, it kinda ticked me off, but to make things worse, L.S. leaned in and told me J.R. is obviously more important, just like sarcastically. Don't ask, this crushed me. So, after basic drawing, I went to tutoring near tears. Why? I'm the only one who has to go to 8th hour, but she hugged Anna, who I was right next to and, when I decided to leave, was going to hug J.R. Hello, I'M supposed to be best friend!! And when I asked she said she "didn't see me". And now she's going on and on about how stupid and retarded I am. I know, I shouldn't hang out with people like that, but I do.
She's the only person who told me to quit cutting after they found out. lol, She thinks I have. I think... I'm gonna write "I never did" on my hand tomorrow, see if she sees/gets it. Never did what? never did quit. Why should I quit if she's gonna treat me this way? I don't care if I'm hurting myself. OR I could carve "NEVER DID" into my hand. Proof that I haven't.
Oh, no food tomorrow. I need a good day after today.
OK, toodles, getting off nows!

Edit, 10:something PM September 29,2010:
Okay, OKAY!
I have another blog. Yeah. This one is a censor of this one, basically. Censored how? No food talk. Ever. Because one of my friends (yes, J.P.) reads it sometimes. Most of the posts are short. So, if for some strange reason you wanna find out how I censor my life on there, go read it.

It's all or nothing

Thank you, Miss Sinny for the comment!! :)
Ok, so, yesterday I've found out that now I either dont eat or I eat like I normally do. So... PLAN starting Monday.
Monday-no food. Period.
Tuesday- 500, no exceptions.
Wendsday- zip food.
Thursday- 600
Friday- nada food.
Sound good? Does to me. I need to quit blaming the change of weather for not doing anything. ^^ Besides, if I only eat only fruits and veggies I can easy stay in that range. SO I'm gonna do it! Even if it hurts.
Some personal life crap that no one really care about is going to be contained in this paragraph. School is actually really good right now. No one really questions it when I don't eat lunch, I just feel weird. Now, J.P. and I are talking about religion. She needs it. Most people don't actually NEED it, but I know she needs it. So I told her that if she lets go of her religion, I'll beat/blame J.R. Ask me why. Okay, don't, I'll tell you anyway. J.R. goes on and on about how bad Christians are and how judgemental they are. I'm not judgemental, honest. But then again I'm also fine with gays. So, maybe I'm just a little odd.
I just don't know. What I do know is that he's bad for her. He's just... gosh, there's no words in my vocabulary to describe what a dirtbag this dude is. Ok, most kids our age are worried about boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, school, homework, who we're hanging out with and when, but this dude goes on about religion and politics. Like, dude, do you have no life so you go on about this so it seems like you're actually doing something with your life? I'm not, not right now anyway. Sure, I'm trying to write novels but really, when I think about it, I ain't doing crap with my life. Because it's not my place to save the world (generally because I'm 14 and realize I don't care much beyond my own little world). Honestly, there are days where I would give my left foot to be in J.R.'s place because I know I could make her happy where he makes her depressed and insecure. There are other days where I wish I could bash J.R. upside the head with something. Not to kill him or anything, just to let out some anger. Haha, I'm a good actress. This brat thinks I still like him.
Now I'm going to get off. BYE! ^^

Ugh so tiredd

Thank you, zette for the comment. I don't mean to cut, it just...happens.
So, I'm dead tired. No caffiene, no food. It's alright, though. I don't feel terribly hungry.
Pretty sure I made J.P. mad. She told me that it was awkward when she's with Anna and J.R. So I told her thats she now how I feel, and then that she didnt know because I couldn't think of anyways that it could be awkward for her. Yeah, yeah, probably not the best thing to tell her. But really, it feels awkward to be around her and him, but I want to be around her... but I don't want to feel awkward and so I won't be around him.
So, I'm gonna have soup or something for supper. I know I said no food, but I want soup, dang it and soup is generally healthy.
Ok, until tomorrow, bye.

Guilty Always

Up by elbow, in cuts, reads "Guilty" is cursive and below that, purple ink, also cursive, says "Always". But, that's not the reason for my post. I was reading this journal I keep and one entry I made when I hadn't eaten that day. I was so cheerful, so ready to not eat anything but fruits, veggies, water, and coffee. Wow... Where did that go? So I've planned no eating tomorrow!
Oh, J.P. came over this weekend and we were cool. Then, after she left, I sent her a text saying she was refreshing kind of odd, not a butthole like J.R. Her reply forced every self-hating feeling I have out of me. "and you aren't?" I get a little arrogant, when I forget just how much I hate myself.
SORRY for the lack of comments, I just... haven't been able to think of anything. I read, though, so keep posting.
Ok, goodnight! :)

All Natural or No?

Mom's thinking of getting me all natural diet pills. This was after I told her anorexics have usually been abused before and they don't realize what they're doing (though there should be a most at the beginning of this). Should I just be happy that she's gonna get them for me? Or should I have pushed for a not all natural one? I just wanna drop down to 114. Don't ask, I think obsessions run in my family and my current one is 114. Every time I ate today, that ran through my mind. Farther from 114. Tsk, tsk, you know that you got that pound from eating. Ah, I see you ACTUALLY want to be a big fatty! No 114 for you, piggie. And my mom tries to tell me I'm thin enough! I'm not thin! I'm fat, fat, fat! That's why no one's asked me out. Sure, sure, they'll all talk to me, but none find me actually pretty! Why? I'm not thin enough, and won't screw them! I'm going freaking nuts. We've been in school long enough, someone should've asked me, at least, if I was pretty, right? Right, but I'm not so they haven't. I just want someone who will hug me and devote some attention to me when J.P. is being all "OH J.R. you're the coolest thing ever!!" because at those moments I just want to go die. I want someone so I feel like I have to be tiny and pretty and wonderful at their side. I'm tired of all this, of feeling like no one wants me ever. Never ever ever. I'm sorry, I'm ranting again. Really, I don't mean to rant. Here, let's go onto the GOOD things.
Mommy got me whitening strips for my teeth so now they're gonna be all cute and white in about two weeks. That's exciting! J.P. and I are supposedly hanging out this weekend! Man, I miss the days when it was expected that she was coming over for the weekend.
I was going to post pictures today, but I can't find the camera. Curses!
Now, sweeties, I'm gonna hops off.

Questions about diet pills...

First, YAY 100 posts of nothing really meaningful.
Okay, on to the REAL reason for posting. This is for anyone who can answer.
Would you recommend diet pills? I know that at least a few of you have used them, so I really wanna know who recommends them and who doesn't.
My other question is if you're under 18, do you have to have a parent with you to buy them?
I've gained a pound since my July 12th post which I guess isn't bad, but today I'm in one of those moods...every pound counts. Maybe because with the way my hair is cut and dyed anyone would expect to see it on someone thin and otherwise pretty. I wanna be thin and pretty and at the max 114 pounds. That's barely underweight, which isn't perfect, even I know, but...Gosh, I just wanna be 114(pounds, by the way. That's about 51.8 kg).
I think I'm gonna do some research about different types of diet pills and then ask my mom, with info and what responses I get here, and we'll, you know, go from there. AND I was gonna add the picture onto this one...then I lost my camera... Otherwise I would just be flashing this BRIGHT freakin red hair all over this blog like you wouldn't ever believe.
My brother's band's playin' the ninth. J.P.'s going because her step-brother is in one of the bands playing with and I'm pretty sure that J.R.'s gonna go....so... I guess I need to make friends at this concert, huh? Because, if she has to choose, she'll pick him and I'm gonna be left alone(like always), trying to have fun by myself. Then she'll try to tell me that she doesn't like more, just differently. See, I don't rant about J.R. enough for you guys to realize this, but I hate him. He walks into a room and someone had better pray to God I don't walk over to J.R. and slam him in the eye. Like, seriously, I'm used to just having J.P.'s attention (which I liked because I'm mainly ignored at home) and now I have to fight with him to get her attention when he's talking to her over text and I'm RIGHT THERER.
Great, now I'm in one of those moods where I wanna make it look like I was trying to kill myself, so that my parents will rush me to the ER and they'll keep me over night and I won't have to go back to school for at least a day and, hopefully, J.P. will regret saying she's just done with me. All I did was tell her the trush, I'm not gonna hang out with them both because I freaking hate him. I'm freaking worthless, can't even mean more than a boyfriend.
Caffeine or cutting, I don't care which, I just want to be able to breathe. Gonna talk to Mom about diet pills WHEN she gets home. Not next week when, maybe, one of you has commented, but tonight. Maybe even right now, if she's home. I'm tired of barely being not fat and feeling like a bucket of lard. I feel huge, ugly, gross. I don't wanna feel anything other than happy again. I've felt broken too much lately; I just need some air, untainted by worry or flab, untainted by my imperfections.


EDIT Sept. 20, 2010, 10:22PM
So... J.P. and I are trying to talk through this. I don't she really gets that it just almost physically hurts to know they're together, but we have plans to hang out, a least part, of the weekend of October 8th. Yeah, that's right, that concert that I'm sure J.R. will be at. Just this once I'll try to deal with him. If his face gets punched, I was moshing and that's my alibi. But apparently telling your friend that your aura doesn't mingle well with their boyfriend's doesn't fly well. It should, especially with me, because I went from being totally fine around this fruitcake to wanting to punch him inside out. It's a while away, isn't it (the eighth)? 18 day, BUT The last book of the Vladimir Tod series comes out tomorrow! YAY! Then another one of my buddies turns 15 this Saturday!
Yes, yes, I asked. ^^ I was soo nervous she would tell me that they're unhealthy and evil and I was skinny enough and didn't need them... but she didn't really! She said I was thin enough and then I replied saying that a pound from being considered overweight is not skinny at all and I said that I exercise and eat right, so I shouldn't weigh this much. And guess what? She said she'll think about it. She's gotta go to CVS tomorrow for me anyway (I wanted teeth whitening strips), so maybe she'll cave and get me some! I pinky promise not to abuse them....much. Hehe.
Alright, I need to try to work on my ENGLISH. I've had over a week to do and haven't done none until now.
But here is a song (with lyrics) for you to enjoy.^^

Homecoming!

Alright, homecoming was funner than I thought it was gonna be. Avoided J.P. the whole time, and danced a lot, more than half the time even when nearly no one else was because the band was playing. It was great. No, I didn't dance with any boys.
The most exciting thing came before the dance when I got my hair dyed. Trust me, it looks cool now. Before and after pictures will be up soon, alright? Something to look forward to!
Gonna go, bye.

I Haven't Died.

I took a break, a small break...That's a lie. I just didn't want to get on. I'm pretty sure I have strep, and I got lucky enough to get a doctor's appointment the day that my mom calls. No problems, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. My dad is apparently short on time for one of his assignments (he be going through college) and didn't freakin take me. So my mom got one for...Fri-frickin-day. BUT!! I get out of school for it.
But, Saturday I'm tradin in black and pink hair for red...Then I'm gonna go to homecoming. Yeah, the first time anyone's gonna see it (my family doesn't count) is at the homecoming dance. I think, maybe, I'll post a picture of my current hair here (more as a reminder to me than to show you guys).
I feel like crap. Sore throat, sniffley nose, cough, tired... Total crappiness. And I'll stay up late, doing homework or writing, and get even worse tomorrow. Sounds healthy, no? Haha.
OH! We got our pieces to audition from today in choir! The choir is preforming...Hello Dolly! I'm thinking of trying for a part... It sounds fun, you know? Give me something to do. I dunno, though, I'm not nearly as good at singing as any of the other girls in our choir. My voice is dull and...flimsy and and ew. But...there's no harm in trying, right? And it'll be in the spring(that we put it on), when I've got that mind set of HAVE TO BE THIN AND PRETTY AND DON'T STOP AT ANYTHING IF IT CAN HAPPEN.
So, now you guys are all caught up with my life. The big effents in my life, anyway. And no, I'm not taking (or being taken) by anyone to the homecoming dance. My friends will be there and Mom said I should go, so I guess I'm stuck going even if I don't have a date (I'm starting to sound bleh). Oh well, it'll be fun. All my friends are gonna be there and more people have decided that I'm their friend this year (my friends' friends have decided I'm pretty cool) so there will be even more people to talk to, so I guess we're all cool.
Bye now. ^^

I'm pretty sure how I eat is based on if I go to school or not.

Like lately, sure I'll starve but only because it isn't meal time. If I don't go to school, eating seems almost fictionous. BUT I'm eating healthy... though I wanna do a 7 day fast and then go vegetarian (sorry about spelling). I dunno why, but the sudden desire to do it hit me last night. Ok, gotta go, close to school.

Would your bestie starve themself as a punishment to YOU?

This is proof I'm nuts. I'm not eating tomorrow because my friend made herself puke up her food. Told her I wouldn't eat each day that she puked, so I'm actually hoping she doesn't puke tomorrow because it would drive me crazy to not eat for two days (I'm a food pansy lately). So...that's my life right now. Oh the AC died. So it's cooler outside than it is inside. Go figure. Alright, it's 11 PM and I have school tomorrow, so I'm gonna grab a bottle of water and go to bed.

What? Stories?!

Yes, I secretly have a passion for writing. To which I began a blog of just writing and ideas for writing. If you want, go check it out, tell me how bad it is, you know, let me know that someone out there cares enough to read through it. You can find it here. My personal favorite out of the two posted already is the first one. It's very tragic and I'm thinking of adding another part to it so that the ending isn't completely sucky. Please check it out. That would mean a lot to me. Thank you for your time (yeah, I'm feeling polite).

Life changes so fast

I went from feeling maybe special to feeling lower than dirt in a matter of hours. Now? Now I wanna take half a pill of melatoin and sleep for hours and then take the other half and go right back to sleep. Not like I matter that much. My "best friend" has realized what I've known, I'm not worth it. My dad yelled at me when I went outside and yelled about fixing the bathroom door. I've been walked in on three times now, twice I was at least partly naked (this time when I was peeing and another time when I was in the shower). I need someone to just hold me and let me cry on their shoulder or for my friend to just talk to me. So I feel like I have some worth. Gosh I just...I'm sick of here. I wanna run away for a week or so, see who would miss me.
Alright, gonna get off, make a few cuts so I can tolerate myself, and then go take a shower.

I'm sooo embarassed

Can I share a secret with you guys? Of course I can, I always do. I think I've got a crush on a dude I've said (basically yelled) one word to. I won't say it except here because he's, like...old. Starting 5th year of college. A college hours (2 and a half) away. But...I don't know. I just...I'm listening to a radio station because he's DJing it.
It's kinda nice, though, because it's a change. But you can't tell anyone because I don't get crushes..at least not on guys in my school. Gosh, I feel so stupid for typing this all up, but I just... I'm going nuts. He wasn't like...super duper hot, but he was cute and he had charm and when my brother introduced me, he made me feel mature, and...I'm starting to SOUND like a dork. I'm gonna hop off before I start sounding worse.

Homecoming, don't want to, have to go

Homecoming is coming up(the 18th) and I don't want to go, not after last night. Ok, so... I found out that J.P. is showing up with J.R....meaning I'll feel awkward and unwanted from the very beginning. So... I don't want to go. But I have to. Why? Go ahead and ask why. It's because Mommy bought my dress and shoes already. Gosh, I plan to leave early anyway, even if I don't call my mom and have her pick me up.
I hate, hate, hate this. I don't wanna go, I know I won't have fun, but I have to. But...I'll feel unneeded and unwanted and gross for even showing up. Sigh, what to do..

At the football game

First half was great! I was happy...for a while. Then I caught up with J.P. She told me she was staying with some other chick, which is fine, except she could have told me that she couldn't help me find out what to do for this, like, talent show the high school has. Now I get to find out by myself!
WOOPIE FRICKIN DOO!!!!
Kill me.
Edit, 9:50 PM:
Shouldn't have stayed past half time. Shouldn't have had lunch. Shouldn't have allowed myself happiness. She's mad. Mad that I accidentally used a harsh tone when I asked if she cussed. Because cussing is bad.
I told her I'm trying to be perfect, deserving of this friendship..."That isnt what it seems." Meaning, "You're still not good enough." Meaning EFF it, I don't wanna eat. I wanna drop pounds and be pretty and smart and nice and derserving of the friendships I have.
You know when people start to say something and then say "Forget it" or "Nevermind"? I hate that. Never, ever do that to me. It makes me feel like I'm not worth knowing what you were gonna say.
Okay, gonna get off now. BYES

Goin to a...FOOTBALL GAMEE!

Thats only exciting because my friends will be there! :)
Ok, ate today like some average lard so I'm wearing a huge hoodie to cover it up. Tomorrow? Fast because a friend of mine got dumped. Yeah... She did't seem too upset, but I want a reason (other than the obvious ones) to do this. I hope, hope, hope, hope I don't eat TOO much tonight at the game, but I probably won't because it's not too popular to eat at the games!
Oh, painted my nails black today. Not in school spirit, though. I wanted to. It seemed... right this morning. Maybe because I started my period. :( BUT, my right hand looks better than my left which is funny because my right is the dominate.
Ok, gonna get off and enjoy the car ride!

Why Can't EVERY DAY be as easy as today?

I haven't eaten. At all. All day. I probably won't either. Though, I feel crummy because I lied to my grandma...but it's her fault, too, for believing it. Who eats a cinimon roll for supper? Not me! I'm gonna go walk so I don't feel tempted to eat. =3 Have a good night everyone!

Added around 11PM
Mom made me cry. How? She kept telling I was wrong when I explaining a freaking theocrcy or however the freak you spell it! I even locked myself in the bathroom until I wasn't crying (crying makes me ugly). Yeah, I cry when I'm super frustrated. Like, was she holding the book, looking at the freaking paragraph it was in?? NO! It's for a test too!
Whatever, goodnight .

Totally forgot to run yesterday.

Because I was so tired. Like, no joke. So, I went to bed around five and woke up when my mom got home at a quarter til six. I yelled at her because she didn't answer me when I said it normally and, for no reason, I was in a horrid mood. Maybe I stayed up a few more hours, I dunno. It doesn't matter, I felt like crap. Okay, I'm one of those annoyingly smart kids who tend to remember every useless fact you tell them and they only need to read something once, maybe twice, to get it. Well, last night, with my physical science homework, I had to read the sentences at least five times, maybe more, before I actually got them. Somehow talked my mom into letting me stay home. Went to bed at ten, woke up this morning around ten thirty.
So, here I am. Would be out running, but Dad has this no going outside thing if I stay home sick. It makes sense and everything, but that doesn't mean I like it.
Gosh, I love comments. Seriously, all of them make me smile.
Really kinda hoping that I get text messages from all the people who have my phone, asking if I'm ok. Seriously, they're the reason I wanna be thin, pretty, perfect. If only I could quit screwing it all up. Yeah, it seems silly because most of you out there are doing it for you, but, like I said before, I want them to be proud to introduce me to people they know.
Homecoming is coming up soon...Should I go? I already told this one chick I was going, but one of my guy friends DEMANDED I go, which really makes me NOT want to go. Yeah, I don't take demands from guy friends very well, especially from this brat who know nearly nothing about me. BUT most of you are older than me, so I want your opinion. Should I go even if no one asks me to go with them?