Just Wow.

Tomorrow is I.M.'s party.
Guess who doesn't get to go.
That's right.
Me.
I'm missing her sixteenth party because I don't know her friends.
Whatever.
I care....a lot.
Stings like a bitch.
Not that I'd tell her.
I'll text her, soon.
Be all "Enjoy your party!~"
She says that it's her thinking about me.
That I would be ignored.
Like I care.
I wanted to see her.

Three Days

That's how many days THIS week that I've missed.
I still have home work and test to make up from the last three days I missed LAST WEEK.
Home schooling sounding like a good idea?
Yep.
It's just...I don't wanna go back.
I feel like something bloomed in while talking to I.M. and going back means realizing that everything is THE SAME!
Tonight, I'm going out.
Hang around town.
Annoy my friends by being dressed up as a dude.
I've realized that no matter what they say, it annoys most of them.
Probably steal my older brother's clothes.
They've always looked better on me anyway.
I'm done with pills.
This past year that's all it's been.
Pills, pills, pills!
No more!
I.M.'s right, they're drugs all the same.
Anyway, I feel so much better now that I haven't taken anything for the first time in...nearly a year.
I feel amazingly...REAL.
Razor SHARP!~

Confused.

I've been given this "Thin is beautiful policy."
I.M. is now telling me that she doesn't like cuddling with me because I'm too thin.
I'm not thin though.
I'm so...confused.

All the way here,

I told myself, "I'm gonna get out there, yeah, and I'm going to run, just run. Even if it's raining."
It was dark when we got home.
I don't want want to run alone in the dark.
So I'm telling myself "I'll fast...and do it tomorrow.
I just wanna run so badly. Running gets rid of the fat on my hips, makes them stand out more.
I love when my hipbones stand out.
L.S. is starting a diet.
I'm gonna say that I'm starting one too at the lunch table.
Just be all "I'm not fat, but I'm not the thinnest I could be either.
I do. I want to be thinner.
I wanna run.
For...forever. Just forget everything.
I wanna dress like Cassie, be thin like a model, act like Effy.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will fast.
What's with me saying all this crazy shit to I.M. about being content?
I'm going to fast.
I'm going to bee thin and lovely and light.
Air-light.
...Anna...And her comments about people who don't eat.
She acts like she understands.
But she really doesn't.
Dropped half my sandwich.
To her it's a loss.
To me, it's a saving grace.
She just needs to shut her mouth about it.
I know, I need to calm down, just take it, try to make her understand, but I just want to look at her and go "Look, chick."
What brought this on?
L.S. said she was going to go on a diet, yeah, but the diet's REAL unhealthy. Like "a little bit of veggies" Veggie's are a dieter's saving grace!
Anyway, when I move my shoulder blades decide to stick out.

Kes: I hate, hate, hate putting things off but when I go to do it, I'm like "Uuuhhhh...." and end up not doing it.

"I'll do it tomorrow."

I have that thought process.
I've been eating less, which is great.
Food makes me sick to my stomach.
But I keep telling myself to fast.
My reply to me?
"Tomorrow is better."
I want to look myself in the eyes, using a mirror of course, and say "Fuck you, now. Not tomorrow, now."
Other than that, life's been great.
Other than putting everything off until the last possible minute (even sleeping), I'm awesome.
Now, I think I'm gonna go for a walk or shower.

Can't sleep.

This isn't the first time I've kept weird hours because of an illness. It's just sooo...strange to be doing jumping jacks while feeling like I'm going to puke.
I've gotten fat.
Only 40 jumping jacks before I feel tired.
What is this shit?
I'm ashamed of myself.
Before I could do 100 without noticing.
So, I'm working out every time my computer decides to take forever to load
Crunches mainly.
I'm looking up more thinspo.OH! Right. The doctor's.
I went there.
137 (that's what's between 136 and 138 right?).
Need to lose weight.
I told my mom I wanted to go vegan.
Without even thinking about how I could lose weight doing it.
It was just a challenge, there for me to take.
I told my mom that I'd do it if she got me vitamins so that I didn't die the first week.
I'll start tomorrow.

I'm so tired of being so fat.
I also need sleep. But I'm not tired. I guess I'll just do some more jumping jacks.
I'll feel it all tomorrow, staying up until one in the morning.
But I need to get into shape. I don't know what to do anymore.
What do people see in fat people?
I mean, I.M.'s far from skinny, but I don't see their beauty anymore.
I know, mentally, that they're not ugly.
Still, part of me doesn't want to have to try to be pretty.
I want it to come effortlessly.
I love how we get tired.
But we can't sleep.
It's neat.
I'm going now before I attack you with another picture.
Goodnight.
(50 jumping jacks, at least, before bed)

In almost an hour and a half,

I will be dying my hair blue.
Yeah, for real.
I'm more than excited.
But I'm not acting it.
It's fun.
I mean....Not showing how I feel is fun.

I did my make up.
Really, I don't know if it'll look good with blue hair.
I covered my whole eyelid with black liner and then smudged dark purple into it.
I'm sure I look all panda-ish.
LATER
Okay, my hair is green, blue, and pink.
The green and blue are really freaking dark.
I'm chill with that though.
I look like a panda but I'm chill with that too.
Tomorrow, I go back to school.
I'm not ready.
It's making me nervous just thinking about it.
I don't eat much when I'm nervous.

Comment:

Zette: I try to forget em. They're just...everywhere. And thanks, I'll try to be strong. You should too. ^^

Comment

Since my last post was....long (to say the least), I decided to make this post for my reply to my comment. Feel special. Haha
Zette I will try to be care and try not to binge like I did right after saying that I didn't have much food in my stomach. I love feeling like I don't give a shit. It rarely happens. But I'm so tired of feeling like I'm the worst thing ever because of assholes. Next time ANY thing happens that ticks me off, I'm gonna find a way to deal with it.
But I promise, I'll be careful!

Life Teaches Funny Lessons

Like that you need to clamp down on emotions.
That's why I wanna be able to act like Effy.

She acts like nothing bothers her (where I'm at anyway).This post will be full of pictures, in case you can't tell. Because I have a huge collection of Thinspo that seems to be growing daily.
I didn't go for a long walk. Took a five minute walk to the soda machine, got a diet soda, took a five minute walk back.
For those of you wondering, Yes, I could go on and on about how much I wanna be like Effy.
And I will be.
Trust me.
I plan on doing it.
I plan on pushing everyone but a few people away from me.

Tomorrow, I'm dying my hair blue with pink and purple streaks.
It's going to be fun.
I'll wear it with confidence.
No matter what.
Because that's what Effy would do.
Oh! W.W.E.D.
What Would Effy Do?
Yes, I'm going to think like that.I know I'm taking this a little too far.
I just have something I want and I want it sooo much.
Seriously, you don't know how badly I just want to close everything out.
I think I'm going crazy.
This Friday, I'm probably going to a football game.
A high school football game.
With blue hair.
Anyway, I plan on introducing myself to some people.
Under the name Effy.
That way when they call me by name, I remember how I'm supposed to be acting.
It's a little weird, maybe ever crazy, but I love it.
Yes, I plan on talking to people.
People I don't know.
Isn't that weird?
I would love to talk to someone.
Just walk over to them like I own the world.
"Hey, enjoying the game?"
With a smirk on my face.
I want to leave an impression.
I want people to look at me.
Believe nothing touches me.
I want to change schools.
Go to a bigger one.
Or a smaller one.
I don't really care which.
Just one where I'm not known.
I wanna be know by something different.
I wanna be someone different.
But I can't get rid of the person I am now.
There's no new beginnings.
This is why I wanna be homeschooled.
That way, when I meet someone I wanna meet in person online, they can know me as someone different.
But I'd really like to meet them face-to-face, in school.
I just want a new school.
I just want to ask mom "Why can't we move closer to your work?"
I know why, though.
Because the rent and payments are too high.
They're too high because of the college in that town.
I just want to be free.
Free of this place.
Free of the people.
Just...Free.
I need a change.
That's why I hate going to school.
Same people.
Same faces.
Same things.
Same same same.
It's been the same for the past 15 years.

Food's been lacking in my stomach.

Probably under 300 calories today.
Mom snapped at me.
I'm not used to it.
It makes me want to throw open the front door, leave to the park, don't come back until sun down.
I told I.M. I wanted to be like Effy from Skins, how she doesn't care about anything and how nothing seems to get to her.
Yeah. That's how I'm going to be.
It's going to start with my mom's snapping at me.
I'm going to quit caring about it happening.
I'm going to take this fucking MP3 player, go pee, and then leave. Just leave.
Come back when I'm ready.
I'm gonna quit eating and cutting.
Who gives a damn about being alive or not numb?
I want to look dead.
I'm leaving this house for a while.

Red-Heads

When I see J.P. I want to rush up to her, take her books and walk her to her next class.
I want to be her girlfriend.
It's a weird feeling.
I hate her.
Yet...red hair makes me think of her.
Then I think about how beautiful she looks.
I love red hair.
Right now, I'm looking for thinspo of red-heads.
I love long hair too.
I'm thinking of growing mine out.
I dyed my hair red one time. At the time, I was thinking that I would copy J.P....only prettier.
Now I realize I'm one ugly motherfucker.
But that will be fixed.
Weight will be lost.
Oh, my dad almost made me laugh.
"500 calories....that's a meal. If you're anorexic."
I looked at him and replied, "If you're anorexic, that's a day."
So I guess if you only eat a meal a day, he's right.
Right now, I can't get her out of my head, that devil with red hair.
Right now, I'm wondering "Did she do this too?" and "Did her jaw drop when she saw someone beautiful?" "Was she consumed with envy when she saw someone thinner?"
I don't know why.
I can't help but think that I was the fat friend.
When I lost weight, she got rid of me.
Got another fat friend.
I'm having Anna ask her if I was the fat friend.
It's bothering me for some reason.
Bothering me that I don't know why we fell apart.
She was my thinspo.
My living, breathing thinspo.
She's done this since at least sixth grade, since we were 11/12 years old.
Maybe I just want a reason other than myself to hate myself.
The more that I talk about her, the more that she's carved into my mind.

"Fuck it. I'll do it my way and the people who love me will understand because they love me...Fuck it."

I'm watching Skins, the UK version.
It's so...beautiful.
Cassie is one of those girls that when she wears something that shows her legs, I just want to gasp.
They're tiny.
They're wonderful.
They're everything mine aren't.
I want to run.
Really, I just wish I could run and run forever.
Just run from these problems.
My problem, though, about running?
I currently have no music to go running with.
The quote that I'm using for my title is from Skins.
It's something I think I've lived by my whole life.
Only I haven't found anyone who understands.
I don't think anyone understands my straight edge views, why I'm going to dye my hair blue, why I live like I'll be around forever and only for tomorrow. Honestly, I don't think they look into my eyes and understand why I don't eat when I do want to.
I was home from school sick today.
I'll be home tomorrow too.
I'm tired of wanting to stay home sooo much and getting sick and all of this other stuff.
Anywayy, I feel like just dancing around my room.
I feel active, no restless. No...just like moving...

Tickedd

I dress as a dude sometimes. Don't ask why, I just think I could be a really pretty dude. Now that I've said that, let me ALSO say that I'm PERFECTLY fine being female.
So...My friends KNOW I dress like a guy sometimes. Well, except for my ex-boyfriend. I'm sure that was a shock for him.
I come home and my ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriend (who happen to be dating) BOTH told me that I'm gonna get a sex change. It's proof that neither know me. And my ex-boyfriend was acting like I was bi because of HIM. Wow! Idiots! I get the concern, I made a facebook for my "manself" (as my crush says). Yess, I'll admit it's a little weird, but I have NEVER been the one who followed the crowd. I was NEVER the one who did what everyone wanted me to unless I wanted to do that.
It's like roleplaying, yeah.
Anyway, I'm just ticked that them for thinking that when they're supposed to be my friends. Not even my mom thought that.

Coffee. I need some

I'm so fasting right now.
Need coffee to go with it.
And I'm so happy. My lower spine sticks out just barely. BUT IT'S THERE!
I just wanna not eat.
We're going to go dress shopping today. I'm so excited.
Homecoming is in two weeks from day.
We're are a little late going shopping, but whatever.
I can't wait for Mom to get home and just say "Let's go" and and I'm just so excited.
I'm so cold, but that doesn't mean I'll close my vent.
I wanna go for a walk, but I'm not sure where to go.
There's this guy who I think likes me, but may just wanna be friends.
I hate not knowing.
I'm going to be pretty, though, even if he doesn't wanna date me.
Wow, I don't know what to think anymore.
I'm so hungry.
But I CAN'T eat. Gotta be thin. Gotta be pretty. Gotta get through this fast.

She says she did it all to make me realize I don't love her

Wanna know what it did?
Made me give up on trying to be better.
She made me give up.
I was getting better for her.
Now, if she's going to randomly do that, I give up.
I'm going to not eat, going to carve words into my wrist, going to do what I want.
I hope she understands that.

I just wanna take pills, one right after another, see how long it takes for the pain to leave.

I.M.'s telling me to quit saying I love her, that it's not even love.
Sorry I trusted you.
No worries, you won't hear another complaint.
I'll pretend to be happy for you.
Forget I starve, forget that I cut, I'll be perfect.
Hey, angel, you see these wrists?
Of course not! My problems don't matter.
Hey, maybe I'll fast until you notice!
OH WAIT! I'd DIE before you noticed.
Or faint. And then I'd have to send you a text saying "Wow. Scary. I just fainted."
Not that you'd care. I would've complained about something else before then.
I'm sorry I'm just some depressed freak. Let me pretend to be happy for you..
Thank you for blaming me. It makes me feel great.
Where's that razor blade? Can't believe I ever said I'd quit for you.
Where's my lack of food? Can't believe I ever thought of quitting for you.
Where's trouble? Oh wait, that's apparently me.

I wish I could do this

Because I really want a break from life. I've felt like that for ages. I've felt the need to be anywhere but where I am for ages. Since I was 13. I'm a whole fifteen years old now. Since before I cut, I felt like I should be not here. I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but I know it's not here.
When I started this blog, I was so happy, so eager, so ready to finally be thinner and accepted. Wow. I've changed a lot. My old posts feel like they were written by someone else. Someone who freaked over 240 calories because they were supposed to be fasting and those calories happened to be solid food. I miss the thirteen-fourteen year old who wanted this so badly that she hated going over 500.
I miss when things were easy.
I miss not wanting to open up.
I miss the time before I.M. made me feel safe.
Oh! I have a picture that describes how I feel about her RIGHT NOW.
Why? Because I really needed her and because she was in a bad mood, she told me she was fine listening to my problems sometimes, but with me it's EVERYDAY. So I quit, I'm done. I'm not telling her anymore.




I'll do like Cassie does, keep calm and don't eat until you're in the hospital, away from everything.
That way the people around you can't hurt you by telling you you're a wreck, not worth their time.

Single Again

Because she was scared of being found out.
And because church makes me hate myself.
Makes me remember that bisexuality is a sin.
Make me remember that means I'm a sin.
So I'm talking to my friend about getting a boyfriend, who I can hold and love and snuggle with.
Been eating like a fat pig lately. Need to stop that if I'm getting even a cute boyfriend. Gotta be cute for him.
Gotta act like nothing's wrong for I.M. who therapied me better than my therapist until she got tired of hearing it.
There's a cut on my wrist that I thought "Here's to you" as it appeared.
I thought I went deep with it, but it didn't bleed much, sigh.
I don't bleed a lot when I cut anymore. It's...weird. It hurts though, which is just as good.
Uhmm I'm out of thing to say.

Writing.

I've been writing. A lot.
I've been writing about my girlfriend, her boyfriend, me, my jealousy, my hopes, the way I think our first kiss is going to be.
Yep, my girlfriend has a boyfriend. I shouldn't be jealous, because I pushed them together, told them they'd be great together. Yet here I am, waiting for her text, hopin that she's not talking to him (even though I know it's not possible if she's not awake), wishing that for more than a week, I was the only one.
This is our one week.
We've been together a whole week.
Technically longer if you don't count the fight and in-the-moment break up.
I don't even know why I pushed them together.
Now I get to deal with how she loves him more.
Wow.
Bummer.

Today I cut the word LOVE into my wrist.

How many times have I done this?
I do it every time I feel like I'll never be loved.
My girlfriend loves her boyfriend more than me, even though we've been going out longer.
I.M. doesn't wanna hear about my drama because she's sick.
So, I.M., I'm not sorry, but I wish you could see my wrist, see why I want to hate you.
Sometimes what you say hurts sooo much.

Today, I went to the doctor.
I had a painkiller shot into my hip.
Had blood taken.
Had to pee in a cup.
And they checked my heart.
Heart's healthy little organ.
A little more than slightly broken right now.


Lottie: I hope it's just something as simple as I don't eat enough.