I can't believe that was only a month ago.

I was reading my last post.
We ended up getting back together.
And then breaking up for good.
And then she decided that she isn't sexually attracted to girls.
And I realized that I've probably been passively suicidal since high school. Like I have plans for the future, and none of them include dying, but if it happened I wouldn't be too upset.
And I actually told some friends that I am.
Including my ex.
I told her last night.
And then today she told me she needs to focus on her.
Which is fair.
I'm hard to deal with.
I'm tearing the shit out of my arm. I don't know what else to do.
We broke up two weeks ago.
I've lost ten pounds since then.
It's really hard to eat right now.
We're on good terms.
Kinda
Her friends, who I guess were once my friends, suck dick.
I really shouldn't be alone right now.
But I don't give enough fucks to seek people out at one in the morning.
I mean, this blade actually isn't cutting my skin. Just making the skin red and raised.
God I'm so tired. Of everything.
Love you lots,
Alex

Alone

My fiancee decided we need a "break"
She's not sure that she loves me as more than a friend anymore.
I expected to get to live my life with her.
I expected her to be there.
I mean, we live together, so she's still here in a physical sense.
But I can't.
I just can't.
There's a void.
I said I would be fine.
I said I was ok with whatever she needed.
I have a friend who all they said was that it would be ok.
One of her friends told her a break would be better.
Here's the thing though:
I'm not good without her.
When it's just me, I want the scars, the dips of my skin in between my ribs.
When it's just me I couldn't give a shit about myself.
But I don't want her to stay if she doesn't want to.
I don't want her to stay out of pity.
So I'm supposed to be asleep.
Just me and my panda.
Just alone.
Because we're taking a break in hopes that she decides that she's being irrational.
Just me.
In a queen bed by myself.
Alone.
It's so hard to not slice my wrists open.
I don't know who to talk to.

Periods Suck

I know, a little too much information, but I got mine for the first time in four years because I'm about a month or two late on getting the shot.
And so my brain is so squirrely.
To the point that I'm questioning whether or not my relationship with my fiancee is healthy. Yesterday, she started yelling at me as soon as we walked through the door, and then she broke down crying, making me feel like it was all my fault. And then other things happened and I was talking to my mom who doesn't really like her, so her opinion is of course going to be leave her. And my mom's all you act like someone who's been abused and I don't know when that started.
Could it be that it started when dad moved in and called me fat multiple times a day? Or stinky or thunder thighs or any of the other names that he called me?
Or witnessing him throw plates in the sink? And him yelling at you?
Could it be having to deal with all of this from the time I was eight until I was fourteen?
Or maybe it was the neglect that happened every weekend when we went to his house? Because guess what? He works weekend nights. So he slept through weekend days, and then was gone at night. And his house had ants everywhere. We would watch them fly off the curtains.
But maybe it is her. She's never hit me, which I know is not the only kind of abuse there is.
But there are times where just...yells at me for days. And when she's not yelling, we're not talking.
So I brought up me leaving last night...and she told me to go if I thought she was abusive. She told me that she wanted the best for me, and if I thought I was being abused she wasn't the best. But I was using it as a test. I figured she'd scream and hit me if she was abusive, tell me I was worthless without her. Make me stay somehow.
Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be like this. I meant to give y'all an update on weight and food and things.
I've been thinking about cutting again. I know I can't without someone noticing, but it's so tempting. Especially when I lay down at night.
Most of my scars are gone from when I was younger and it was a big problem. I have one that I use as a reminder to not go down that road. It's from a bread knife when I was sixteen. It was serrated. It was a really close brush with death. I should have called 911 that night, but I told myself that I could do it myself. And eventually I did. Probably way after the fifteen minutes your supposed to try at max before calling them. And then I showed my mom because she's a nurse, right, so she had to know how to make all better. And she asked if I wanted to go to the ER, and I should've said yes, but she told me they would probably lock me up. Anyway, we slapped some butter fly bandages, the ones that hold things closed, and covered it with another bandaid so it looked not nearly as bad. And it left a huge scar and I'm sure there's a lot of scar tissue and I'm sure something is not good in there, but I don't ever want to talk about it.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so emotional right now, and this is the place where I can just, unfiltered, spill everything out. And like you guys might judge me, but I know a lot of you have been through the same or similar things so I don't really worry about being judged here.
Lots of love,
Alex

Clothes shopping

Clothes shopping is usually HELLA triggering, right?
Not yesterday!
Oh no.
My fiancee and I wear the same size. Which is so weird because we are different heights, different weights, but we're also different builds.
So, we weren't too optimistic.
I've told y'all that I'm 200 pounds right?
That's about 90.7 kg for my international followers.
So we started with a 15.
And just kept going down.
And down.
And down.
We ended up at a 11.
I'm one size away from not being in the double digits.
I mean, I'm no where the weight I want to be (I just weighed myself. 203.6)
But weight can be lost. Weight can be lost.
That dog is my dog. He's a cutie.
I started classes again last week. I have class four days a week. I have six classes two days, five one day, and then one one day. Most days that I have class I reach my 10000 step goal. Which is a lot more exercise than I have been getting. Shame on me. Anyway, because I'm about five times more active than I have been, I'm expecting to lose weight. We also bought healthy foods.
Does anyone want progress pictures? Like on a regular basis? I don't feel like I lose weight enough to post progress pictures.
Love,
Alex

I thought I had a handle on this

I thought I could pick and choose when it came up.
Today is my friends birthday.
So of course she NEEDS pictures.
And then I saw my tummy.
Almost starting crying right then.
I remember freaking out over the teeniest of pooch.
You know what that pooch is?
Your uterus.
I found that out recently.
That's why you can't get rid of it.
It's an organ.
But I remember.
I have that memory.
And that's the hardest part.
I used to be the skinny one.
I was going to post a picture of me when I was tiny, but apparently I didn't post any of those to facebook. Makes sense. I thought I was huge.
I want to be cute.
I want to be skinny.
I want to not almost cry because I remember.

This is the closest I could find to my lowest weight.

Feeling so much better

So far, I feel a lot better now that I've started my medications again. I had to change one of them because my insurance doesn't cover medications until we spend $6,500. The medication was about $800 without the coverage. It's really unsettling to have to change from something I know works.
However, this other medication seems to be working. Or maybe I just think that it's working. I started taking my two medications about four days ago. I'm not sure how long it takes for them to start working again.
Anyway, I feel a lot better. My medication makes me nauseous if I eat too much at one time, so I have to learn how to eat smaller amounts spread out to avoid that. Which is kind of triggering for me, so I'm kind of excited about that.
The school semester is officially over for us! Not that it matters for me. I basically took the semester off. Anyway, I'm ready for next semester. I'm ready to have school stuff to do.
Have I mentioned that I'm doing pre-med and psychology? I want to be a psychiatrist. Part of it is passion, part of it is the pay. I'm broke af right now, so a future where I never have to worry about money is very appealing.

Medication

I've been talking with my doctor about getting me on medication. One of them has gotten approved by the insurance, and is ready for pick up. The other medication has been ordered, but....disappeared? It's not at the CVS at home, it's not at the CVS here. It's just gone. I'm just pissed off about it.
I haven't been starving like I want. I feel like I've been compulsively eating. I haven't even been exercising. It's so frustrating. Everything is frustrating.

I want hip bones and my rib cage. I'm tired of being so well. I'm tired of being overweight. Everything is so tiring. I feel like I tell everyone that I have an eating disorder, but no one has ever seen my disorder. I feel completely invalid compared to a lot of other people. I want hip bones. I want be 114. It's a heathy weight. It's just a little on the lower side. I want to be 114. It's my magic number. It's been an obsession of mine since I was fourteen. 114. 114. 114. 114. 

I'm so tired of being overweight. I'm so tired of being the weight I am. I want to lose weight again. I want to feel in control.

Thank you, Bella, for suggesting I get back with medication. I'm really trying. It's just... part of me is so tired of trying because I feel like no one else is trying. You don't sound like you're being judgmental.

Long time no talk

I really need to start running. I need to start dropping pounds. I need to get back into the swing of my disorder again. I want to count my showing bones. I want to be sick. I don't know why. Everything is pretty good in life right now. Except that.
Also, I've been out of medication for about a month.
So that might be why.
My brain begins to obsess on some numbers. My good number is 114. That's what I feel like I need to be at to be happy. That's what I need to be at. I need to get back to 114. I don't know how to anymore though.
Much love,
Alex

I hate my stomach

When I was younger and my disorder first started, I hated my legs. I thought thin legs meant being skinny. Like that was the meaning of being skinny. Having tiny legs. I did sit ups because that's just what people with eating disorders do. Or that's what I told myself anyway.
But I hate my stomach. I hate the stretch marks. I hate how big it is. I want to cry when I change. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I want the head rush. I want the excuses. I want to be able to starve my ass off again. Right now, I just want to cry because I feel like such a failure. I want it back. I want to eat there. I don't want to eat and eat. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of the excuses I make. I'm so tired of being fat. I'm just so sick of it. I want to cry. I want to feel my ribs and hip bones. I want to know if I can do that just one more sit up. I want people who will push me and push me. I'm tired of letting myself down.
I want ana friends. I'm tired of doing this alone. I want people who will talk to me, remind me of moments like this where I felt low. Remind me of times when I felt like I could do it all. I want to text people who will remind me to stay thin. I feel like I'm screaming into a void
Much Love,
Alex
Edited:
I need a plan. I need to figure out a routine. I need to figure out how to get this weight off.
Alright, everyday, for now, I'm going to do ten burpees and go for at least a thirty minute walk and do two ten minute sessions of yoga (yoga only holds my attention for about ten minutes at a time). The internets says that that should be about 290. Not quite enough. I need to do more. There needs to be more. There needs to be a way.

Post-Thanksgiving

I hope thanksgiving wasn't too bad for everyone in the States. I think I did rather very well. I'm a vegetarian, so a lot of the foods are off limits anyway. Of course, that doesn't mean I have to go easy on the foods that I can eat. I did, though. I don't understand the whole eating until you might burst thing. I like feeling a little bit of room still in my tummy.
I'm trying my hardest to be good, though, now that Thanksgiving is over. I just get really hungry sometimes, and I don't know what even to eat.
Love,
Alex

So far so good

My net calories for today is less than 300. I broke out the WiiFit again and burned off about 70 calories. I feel like it should have been more than that. I was working on it for nineteen whole minutes. It's just rough. And now all I want is a nap. I've lived off of coffee for today. And oatmeal. With peaches. It's been a blast, though.
So tired.
Much love,
Alex

Morning Coffee

I didn't get to sleep until four last night. I didn't wake up until ten this morning.
I weighed myself late last night. 197.2
It's slowly coming down.
Not like I would like, though.
Needs to come down faster.
The girl in the picture above has her knees turned inward, creating a bigger gap. It's cut off, so I think she was trying to hide that. You can also tell that her butt is pushed out a little. I don't know why I'm explaining this to you guys.
I have to go eat something. Latuda says to take it with food.
I think I want oatmeal with peaches...and cinnamon. That sounds good.
Much love,
Alex

Dark and Twisty.

Hi, lovelies.
Again, sorry for the lack of picture, I'm on my phone again.
Things are going to get really dark for me for a while. I ran out of Prozac and since there was a mess up with Wal-Mart I have zero money. Things are a little dark with it, but they get real dark without it.
I keep telling myself that today will be the day that I starve. Of course it never is. I need to get my willpower back. My self-esteem is low enough. I need this control. I need to feel hard bones hitting soft mattresses.
Oh, it may be nothing, but there's a lump in my boob. It might be a lymph node, swollen from being sick. It might be cancer. My worries say cancer. Either way, I'm not sure. No one has properly let me worry about it out loud, though, so it still is lingering in the back of my mind. Like all of the time.
I want to be teeny ballerina thin. I don't want to be to the point that people worry. That's when you get caught. I also wanna do lots of yoga and be really flexible. I wanna be able to wear whatever I want. Am I repeating myself?
I saw that a lot of people saw my last post. Thanks a bunches for reading. Feel free to comment too. I don't bite!
My rib cage is deformed. I used to do something called cosplay where you dress up as characters from shows or books. I used to like to dress as guy characters. And the only way I knew how to bind was with ACE wraps. Don't do that. Really bad for you.
Alright, I feel a little better getting to indulge my disorder, and keeping you guys updated. It feels nice to have people who understand.
Much love,
Alex

It's late and I am not alright.

Sorry for the lack of thinspo on this one, princesses. I'm typing this from my phone.
It's two thirty in the morning and I'm slipping.
I want to feel my hip bones, my spine, my rib cage.
Do you want to know something disgusting?
I weight almost 200 pounds.
I'm only 5'5".
What happened to dreams of being 114?
What happened to me?
I feel like I fail at everything right now.
I want to feel the carve of my bones jutting out. I want people to ask what I do to look so good. I just want to lose a little weight. A lottle weight. OK a huge bunch of weight. I want people to text when I want to eat. I want to go back to the roots of my coffee addiction.
I still drink my coffee black. It makes me a little anxious to drink anything in it.
I want people who support my weight loss no matter what path I choose to get there. I want people who understand that sometimes you have to starve yourself to feel whole again.
I feel alone even though I have people who love me because I don't have people who will let me do it. Or who will push me to do the best with it that I can. Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm just sick of everything being too far to reach. Nothing is in my control anymore.
Love,
Alex

Stress

I am nineteen years old.
Today, I decided that I want to be a Psychiatrist.
To be a Psychiatrist, I have to have almost the same education as a doctor.
I have to have a GPA higher than I have.
When I called my mom for her advice, she told me to work 15 hours a week and to take 12 credit hours (the minimum for full time).
My eating disorder has been biting at the edge of my mind.
Everyone says to keep myself physically and mentally healthy.
My fiancee told me not to vent about my mom to her unless I plan on doing something about.
I've come to the conclusion that my mom is emotionally abusive.
I want a parent that believes in me as much I do.
The one thing I can control is, well, my weight. It's the one thing that I know I've had bring me confidence. And if I can't vent, I internalize.
So here we go again. Pounds and exercise and calories.
Numbers and hours and time. Days and pain.

Hunger

This morning I woke up with an unfamiliar pain. Hunger like I hadn't felt in a long long time. I'm sure it's been building up for a while now. So of course I went downstairs, not even thinking, to take care of it.
I had an instant breakfast with 2% milk and coffee.
I had two of these Ritz cracker sandwiches covered in chocolate that we made last night.
I'm cursing myself. It's only noon and I've already had over 500 calories. I just got up and it's over 500 calories. In one sitting.

I'm so mad at myself. I don't even know anymore how to exercise it off anymore. To make myself feel at least a little better. I still have a little fuzzy feeling in my head. It hurts a little even. I'm still really tired. I don't even know what's going on with life. I know that I have homework I should work on. But I don't really want to. Like all the time.

I get Triggered by such little things

My brain is saying "Starve, Bitch, Starve" because my fiancee told me to quit expressing my stresses because she couldn't handle it. My body says to slip down the slope because of what it does to me physically and mentally. There's money problems in my house right now anyway, so it makes me even more tempted. It would be easy. Not this week, but it could. This week we have tomorrow off, and then it's the weekend. My fiancee will be around too much for all of this. Then Monday will roll around. My fiancee has class all day Mondays and Wednesdays. I only have class at two that day. I could go all day until about five without a bite. I could have all the coffee I wanted. I could have all the water I wanted. I could pretend that it can't hurt me. I can pretend that everything would be great.
Can you believe that I'm a psych student?
I'm also an art student, though.
Maybe that's what's so erratic about me. The artist side.
I can feel myself slipping.

I began to question who I am

and I ended up logging in here.
I began to wonder what it is that I truly liked.
I began to wonder what of me was put there by someone else.
I began to question everything.
I still am.
But I ended up here.
I haven't posted for a while.
I wonder if I'm just supposed to go through and look, see who I'm supposed to be.
Or if I'm supposed to come back full forced.
Who knows.
Love,
Alex

I've been thinking about slipping up.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's because I'm over 200 pounds? Maybe it's because my BMI is 32.8. Remember when I was 128 with a BMI of 20.7? Or even when I was a couple pounds heavier at 130 with a BMI of 21.0?
It's finals week, and I'm breaking. I want nothing but to be thin again. I don't want meds that make me gain 30 pounds over the summer. I don't want the mushy brain that likes a mushy body. I want tattoos and piercings and barely acceptable weights and to work out and like myself after and to be tiny and cold again.
I keep telling myself that if I do in a healthy manner I'll actually get to enjoy it. But it's not happening. I'm sitting here getting pudgier. I'm getting fatter. I'm not losing weight. I'm gaining gaining gaining. I'm pitiful and it sucks.
I want  to be thin again. I was to have a BMI in the 20's again. I want one that's 20.7. I want to be teeny. I want wear size three jeans and smalls and not worry. I want to not go to a doctor's office and feel like they blame all my illnesses on being fat. I wanna be skinny. I want to be thin. I want to be tiny. I want to feel bones. I want to look like I did my sophomore year of high school. I want to be cute again. I want to feel sexy in sexy underwear.

Quick post

I really need a nap, so this post will hopefully be short. I'm exhausted. I started (yesterday) that pushup challenge, so some time today I need to do 4 push ups.

I download the sparkpeople app. It's supposed to help you lose weight in a healthy-ish kind of way. Either way, unlike myfitnesspal it tries to give you a human calorie count, so that you're actually eating enough and still able to lose weight. I just started using it, and I really hope it goes well.
My doctor's visit went ok; they started me on some stomach meds to try and help me regain my appetite. I felt better for a little bit, but today I feel sick again. I think it's cause it's rainy outside. I get kind of blah and sick when it rains.
Ok, short post done.
Love,
Alex