I haven't been starving like I want. I feel like I've been compulsively eating. I haven't even been exercising. It's so frustrating. Everything is frustrating.
I want hip bones and my rib cage. I'm tired of being so well. I'm tired of being overweight. Everything is so tiring. I feel like I tell everyone that I have an eating disorder, but no one has ever seen my disorder. I feel completely invalid compared to a lot of other people. I want hip bones. I want be 114. It's a heathy weight. It's just a little on the lower side. I want to be 114. It's my magic number. It's been an obsession of mine since I was fourteen. 114. 114. 114. 114.
I'm so tired of being overweight. I'm so tired of being the weight I am. I want to lose weight again. I want to feel in control.
Thank you, Bella, for suggesting I get back with medication. I'm really trying. It's just... part of me is so tired of trying because I feel like no one else is trying. You don't sound like you're being judgmental.
I know it isn't easy. You're trying, and that's all anyone can ask. I've been struggling a lot with certain meds lately too. I think I'm going to get the pharmacy to make up those weekly blister packs, so there's no room for messing around.
ReplyDeleteHope the rest of the week is kind to you <3
xxxx