Nearly Passing out when you eat isn't fun.

But I do it.
My vision goes black.
I get dizzy.
It's scary.
And it happens a couple hours after I eat.
Also, we're taking some of our cats to a farm. We've got too many of them.
I stayed home.
Too tired and sick to leave the house.
I really am really tired.
Eating food is supposedly life giving, so why does this keep happening?

Eating so I'll get over a cold.

Then I'll be back to trying to fast for, I dunno, four days. I need to lose weight. I'm a whole 135. Or I was last night.
I get so tired when I fast with just water. I found that out last night and then ended up eating like a normal person JUST BEFORE BED. What a horrid thing...
I feel like I've been neglecting this blog. I tell myself "Update every day" and I have about 17 posts for 30 days. That's...sad.
The freshmen, I have found, aren't all bad. There are some that are gonna be in the art club that don't annoy me. Which is great because the ones in choir annoy the crap out of me.
This isn't long, but it is something.
I'm gonna go eat my sandwich with my family and text I.M.. Toodles.

On this medication,

I've found that I think about starving a lot, but can't actually do it.
Can't come up with the lies,
can't spit it out when I get it into my mouth.
Just stuff my face.
For lunch Friday, I had a cookie. A COOKIE.
Honestly...
So, starting at midnight tonight, I'm fasting for 36 hours. Maybe more if I can?
Anna got into trouble for taking a Jell-O shot at a football game.
The kids who gave it to her are ticked off at me, but she's dealing with her punishments well and I'm really proud of her for owning up to it and dealing with the punishments.
Then again, her mom's still letting her hang out with me.
Because I'm the one who got upset. I'm the one who wanted to puke and cut and not eat.
Her other friends were like "You ok?" "You want another one?" "Did you like it?" while I was like "That smell makes me wanna puke and I'm not letting you spend the night after that." She spent the night in the end.
I've got a girlfriend~ She knows I don't love her, but she loves me and so we're trying to make that jump from friends to girlfriends.
I need sleep.
Goodnight.


Lottie: There's no talking to my dad about things. There's avoiding him and hoping everything is fine.

Anxiety kept me home today.

School makes me insanely nervous unless I haven't eaten.
Dad?
Still thinks I don't eat.
So I'm not going to.
I'm gonna fast until I pass out.
Who cares how unsafe that is?
How long do you think I can do it with PE and school and everything?
How long can I go?
How hard can I push my body on just water?
To be honest, I want to go to a boarding school just to be away from my DAD.
I love my family and everything, but I'm just so tired of Daddy trying to push so much on me, telling me I'm not eating when I'm FINALLY eating.
How easy it is to quit when someone TELLS you that you aren't.
My new therapist sucks.
She ranted at me for nearly an hour, spent most of that time looking at the notes. It was like...she knew nothing about me when I went in and I've been going to the county for therapy for nearly a year. She annoyed me.
I just wish I had someone I could talk to about all of this.

the internet.

I like it for so many reasons.
I could be anyone I wanted to be on here. Some girl from California named Emily with sun-kissed skin and blue eyes, a scared little boy with huge green eyes that see to the very depths of your soul, or myself.
I chose myself. A more open version of myself.
I chose who I couldn't be at school.
Tomorrow, school starts again.
Tomorrow, no breakfast, no lunch, just hunger.
Tomorrow, I get to look J.R. in the face, knowing a secret about him that he told me to keep between me, my demons, and Anna. Until he is ready.
Today, characters are forming in my head, waiting until tomorrow, in study hall, to appear on paper.
Today, I'm learning more and more about anorexia.
I want to write about it, even if I'm not living it.
Yesterday, though, yesterday I went shopping.
Yesterday, I got two bras from Victoria's Secret, loads of pants, and some shirts.
Yesterday, Anna was with me and my mom.
Yesterday, I walked so much. It was great.
I'm walking a lot.
That's how I'm burning most of my calories.
My BMI at 130? 21.03099
I'm healthy. In weight. What a hell to be.
97 was one of my goals at one point. Wow. I feel so far. Need to be closer.
J.P., I can and will be 97. I'll see you gasp as I go farther to hell. Bitch. Don't tell me how great 97 is. I can almost taste it myself!



P.S. school is going great, so far. Haha. kinda annoying that I had two days and then basically a week off.

I don't know.

I've run out of words to type.

I don't know what to type any more.

I'm scared of the scale.

Don't want to see what it says.

Either way, I need to get ready for school.

I love you guys.

OH!

Face Up by LIGHTS, I.M. has me hooked on it.

It's...beautiful.

There, I said something.

School starts tomorrow

I have a half day of school tomorrow to kick off the school year. Then...I'm officially a sophomore. Too bad I'll start with cuts racing up and down my hand and back of wrist. I broke down after over a month and cut. Why?

I thought about the what ifs. What if I never love someone who DOESN'T feel attracted to guys? What if I end up alone? What if...what if it's always like it is between I.M. and me? So I have cuts.

On both arms.

It's a pain.

While I was doing it, I was wondering "What if I need stitches from this? Just before school. That'd be awesome." Don't worry. I haven't ever cut that deep.

To be honest, I'm really hungry and I have enough calories that I'm allowing today that I could use to eat now, but I like saving all the calories for dinner. That way, no matter what I eat, it PROBABLY won't go over my calorie limit.

Started my period at Natsucon. Second day. I think it's over now, though. That explains why I was suddenly 140, though.

Natsucon!~

Okay, so, this is going to be an assult of pictures. But first a few stories. I was attacked by a Honey from Ouran High School Host Club like continually. It was cute. And at the VERY END, today, just before they left, I hugged the Kyoya(same show) that with them and told them they were very adorable too. And they were. Just not in the same way.

Also, I got fifty-nine hugs. In two days.

My I.M.'s friend (uhhmmm) S was there and she's so awesome. She's got this obsession with Tsuna from KHR because she cosplays Gokudera. That is really the reason why.

I told my I.M. I love her in my "cute" voice. Apparently I can make my voice sound cute. Really cute.

I went to the "UV Lite Party" which was a rave, yes. We were only there for an hour before we just walked around because we were sweaty and sick of being sweaty.

Now!~ Photo ATTACK!

Now, I get to go and try to adapt to normal life again. It was a small con, apparently, but I loved it and it was fun and now I have to go and "be" normal (or at least close to normal). This means no more going to Wal-Mart cosplaying Sasuke from Naruto. Darn.

Today's a bad day

So, for those of you who don't know, I'm nerdy enough to cosplay, which is basically dressing up as someone from a show, movie, book, game, whatever. I'm also a huge fan of the anime Naruto. Soo, obviously, tomorrow at nerdfest (AKA Natsucon), I wanted to cosplay one of the characters from that anime/manga. Well...found out last night costume won't be here in time and my wig has a slim chance of being here by tomorrow (very slim chance). Hopefully I can style my hair myself and do a punky look for said character. Chances of me looking decent: Little, few, almost zero.

On another note, I woke up and my fishies had cold-to-the-touch water. Which is BAD because they're tropical fishies. They're swimming in it like it's okay though. I tried heating up some water and putting it in there, which worked for a little bit, but now it's cold again.

I really just wish Anna would give up on this boy. He's a bad influence and makes her upset...but he also makes her happy. Which I'm torn about. :/

We're uploading a new video on youtube. Another Anna video. Later, after hers uploads, I'm gonna make one. It's basically going to be a "Hi!~ I'm gonna be at Natsucon!~" type thing.

Alright, now that I've nerded, I'm gonna go. Toodles.

Got fishies.

They keep me worried and amused. I don't wanna kill them, so I'm worried, but they're cute and amusing. They're black tetras which looks like that picture above. They're tropical fish. They laze around their gallon tank.

Got rid of the gent that was annoying me to go out with em. I don't do that kinda thing...

Listening to Hollywood Undead.

Smell like smoke (just got back from Anna's).

Lost my school schedule. =/

Found my white slip! ^^

Gained weight. :(

Didn't get to drive today. =/

I don't really know what to say except that my blogger is wonky and won't let me comment on some blogs. I don't...reallly...get that.

Lottie: I got rid of that guy. Screw them if they're gonna cause me drama.

I should be asleep.

I should be sleeping, but I'm not. Why? A guy. Not just a guy. A guy I met over the internet and that I'm talking to over the internet. He should feel special. NO one keeps me up. Except... I keep messing up and making him feel like crap.

Anyway, today I drove. I love driving. One day, I'll be good enough to drive in a town.

Ugh, boys! "I can't seem to make you happy" I was happy before this seemed like we're breaking up! We're not e-dating, but danggg it seems like he's breaking up with me. This guy's talked to me while I was IN CDT. I grin like a fool when he talks to me! UGH!! Enough! This blog is NOT going to be about...boys.

I'm going to be at a hotel, possibly, for two days while my mom's at a meeting. Anna is probably going to come with me. Yay! Oh and mom says that they have wi-fi and a pool and all the fun stuff. So, I'll be able to post even though I'm away from home. Hurray! I'm really very excited.

Sadly, my diet starts the day before we leave. I'm kinda worried about going. What if my mom notices that I don't eat that much? What if Anna tells her? I'm just worried.

Lately

I've been wanting to text one of you, anyone, just to feel like I'm not alone.

Lately, I've been fangirling about freaking Japanese bands. In fact, my EX has ticked me off nearly every night for a week just by saying they're "flaming homosexuals".

Lately, I have not been not-eating properly.

Lately, I've told more people than I mean to that I'm not eating right.

Lately, I've been wanting a fast. Just one. Just for...a week.

I told I.M. that "Everything's wrong, even though it's getting right."

Let me explain that. It means I'm "healthy" but I feel completely out of control. I feel like I'm falling. I need to go back to last year where I starved myself "healthy". I need to drop weight like THAT!

I'm scared. Really scared. Know what I do when I'm nervous? Forget how to eat. Which is good. Maybe then I'll regain some control.

Anyone want my number to text?

Just leave a comment and I'll post it in my next post. That post will only be up for 24 hours (maybe a little more, depending on whether or not I forget it). If you don't get it then, then just e-mail me.

You know, I sometimes wonder if my parents follow diet blogs, like ours, and will some day find my own....It kinda scares me.

Happy August.

School starts soon, the 16th I believe. And I get to go register in about two days. I'll get my schedule then. I'll be able to compare it with my friends, see who I have a class or two with. See who I can sit with at lunch. I hope there's someone at least semi-attractive in science. Otherwise it'll be boring as all sanity.

But before school starts, the weekend before, I have Natsucon to go to. Let's be happy I'm not some fat lard. Well, I'm not really. Not today. Today I'm not eating right, so I'm showing just how strong I can be. Does that make sense? It did in my head.

There's so much gel and stuff in my hair. Like... My hair feels gross because of it. Hopefully my mom will be home around four today. I like it when my mom is home.

Ho-hum...I hate being lonely.