164

I've gone from 171 to 164 just by being on my Lexapro and never being hungry. Maybe weightlifting five days a week helps. J.P. says that if they find out that I'm not eating enough on it, though, they'll take me off it.

I've decided that I'm going to be super cute for prom. And actually skinny. I'm gonna dye my hair and let it grow out a little.
I'm going to actually start doing my hair and make up
I'm going to dress nice.
I'm going to try to pretend I like the way I look.

I'm fat, I hate it.
It's blobby and gross.
But I'm changing that.
So rather wait until I get there to try to be happy, I'm going to rock what I'm stuck with for now.

Alright, I better get dressed and actually be a real person.
J.P. and I have a study date at noon.
I need pre-calculus help.
OH! Homecoming dance was last night.
My dress that fit perfectly when we got it is too big.
Since it fit perfectly (and was almost too small in the boob area) we didn't get me a strapless bra (my boobs got bigger recently so I only have a few bras that actually fit). So, I didn't wear a bra under it.
But it kept slipping...
So I used the straps that they use to hold them on the hangers as dress straps.
They at least kept it from slipping too badly.

Friends

I hurt Anna really bad by basically dropping her after J.P. and I started dating.
I didn't really understand until I.M. told me.
But I wanna hang out with Anna and make things better between us.

Have I told you guys the effect of my Lexapro (generic version)?
I don't ever recognize that I'm hungry.
My stomach will growl and that's the point I'm like "Huh...maybe I should eat something."
Now I'm starting to get hunger pains (three days of not really realizing you're hungry will do that.)
I'm pretty sure I eat enough calories. But I've lost weight. Went from 171 to 166.6. Then to 168.
Either way I'm out of the 170's.
I need to start exercising.
Outside of weightlifting.
Dad says I need to see the doc for thyroid stuff.


Sam Lupin-
I'm so sorry that I forgot to reply to your comment on my last post. Since then things have gotten a little better between J.P. and I. She doesn't seem to be as depressed as she was about it. And no, you can't process it for me, haha. Thanks for offering. No, you can't hurt my dad either. He's trying to mean well. Thank you for thinking that he shouldn't have said it. I think that's part of the reason I don't really feel hungry. I'll try to not cut. Thank you for worrying about me. :)

Blood work, new pills, dress shopping

The blood work isn't anything really important. It's just because I'm starting new medication. I'm apparently too stressed. I believe that too. They're starting me on...something. I don't remember. Hopefully I can tell you tomorrow. I got told that it should cause weight gain. I think it's Lexapro or a generic version of it. Only ten milligrams. It says it can cause lose of appetite.

Dress shopping...was torture. At first it was great. Sure the line to the dressing room was way too long, but I  was super upbeat and happy. Hadn't eaten most the day. Had more coffee than substance (because of the blood work. Didn't get it done until almost ten thirty and couldn't eat until I got it done.). It ended up being that I had to try on a whole bunch of size 14 dresses. Luckily, I could pull them basically off (literally). My boobs are too big to wear a 13 with a bra. Thank goodness it's so tight in that area that nothing will slip out. The worst part? My mom telling me that maybe I could starve myself a little this week to fit into it better. So maybe I will. I need to. I used to be a five. So I'm going to start taking my lunch. Of beans (protein), whatever vegetable is laying around, whatever fruit in laying around, and a sandwich that is one slice of bread with some pecan pumpkin butter stuff (it's actually kind of low calorie). Or maybe rice. Obviously I'll be exercising more than I do now. I'll be thinner and cuter.

My hair is blue now. It was supposed to be purple. Well, I wanted it to be purple. I put blue on top of red. The blue covered up the red completely, obviously. It's cute. Not what I wanted, but I can live with it.

This is homecoming week for me (starting tomorrow). I'm really excited. I'm actually planning on going all out this time. Hopefully my partner in crime doesn't have asthma problems. Her mom put an air freshener in the bathroom and the scent messes with her asthma, but her mom told her to suck it up when she pointed it out to her mom.

Okay, one more picture, just because it's cute and because J.P. likes umbreon and jolteon. We're going to homecoming together and I'm in a geeky mood. 

A Lot has changed in 24 hours

I didn't go to school today because there was so much to process
My parents are actually going to try to be parents and actually try to be a family.
I can only see J.P. for a little while each week right now.
She keeps telling me how depressed she is and how I seem fine.
Well, yeah I seem fine.
I wanted space and to be with my family without her. It's nice to be able to do so for once.
She says that she doesn't have any friends, but then says all these people are asking why she's depressed.
I'm just so tired right now, though, that I can't really think of what to say.
While my parents were talking to me, my dad told me that I had gotten fat. That I had lost all that weight and then gained it back.
Yeah, I know.
He said it was cause I got lazy and quit exercising.
I almost told him it was cause I started eating. But I didn't.
When they said that I was going to be home more, all that I could think about was how I'd be free to not eat and to cut.
It's exciting.

I'll be skinny again.

Getting fatter

J.P. whined about how grumpy I am when I don't eat so I ate. J.P. told me I wanted to be healthy. I should've told her I didn't honestly care.I should've spoken up. I just wanna be thin.
Spanish is neat.
I'm good at it.
Well, remembering it anyway. Speaking it is bad.
I just want to just but there's so many people around.

...I'm so freaking fat

I'm pretty sure I've somehow allowed myself to get up to 170 again. No more eating. I don't care how grumpy I get. No more. I can't be fat anymore.
It makes me wanna cry. I'm just so upset. Like I eat so J.P.'s happy even though she says I don't have to. When I get grumpy from not eating she gets mad. I wanna be thin.

Cutting.

I always feel low around midnight. Unless caffiene is involved.
It wasn't tonight.
So even though J.P.'s here I cut.
I broke apart a razor last time we got into a fight at my house.
Today was the first time I got to use one of the blades.
One of them is deeper because the side I used was blunter so I pushed it in deep. The other one I just ran it across the skin.
All my bandages are at J.P.'s house.
It was like the first time I cut.
Funny how I remember it.
I thought about it a lot before doing it.
I stared long and hard at the glass I used to do it.
And then, with scared, shaking hands I did it.
Before then, I could've turned back at any point.
Now I feel like it's a part of what makes me.
Also I was on my computer a little bit and read some posts from everyone I'm creeping on on here.
Sorry I didn't comment.
Not enough time.
Oh! I slipped the blade into my wallet which is in my purse.
Since I rarely carry money, no one looks in my wallet.
Now I will have one with me, always. :)
Dunno how I'll explain that to my therapist.
I'm gonna be a junior this coming school year.
I've grown up a lot since freshman year.
Still, I cut and have trouble with food/my weight.
Guess somethings really don't change.