1544

That's what she tells me to eat to lose weight.

Up to that.

How about up to 1000?

I know, I've eaten more than that for a while, but I need change.

No more icky, sugary sweets.

I don't need a sugar high.

I need a sweet caffeine rush.

J.P.'s sleeping next to me right now, that's why I'm risking a post while she's here.

I think I'll even write in my journal.

Yesterday, my dad told me my thighs are too big.

Says that they shouldn't touch when I walk.

Say I need to do pilates or whatever they is.

Lottie X:

Thank you for your comment!~

I am going to love not having to worry about having to change for PE in the middle of the day. That's what I'm most excited for next semester, honestly. Also, anytime I bring up being called Ember Snow, J.P. is just like, but I loveee your name. Sigh. And I'm just like and I like Ember Snow better than my name. Hahaa.

Have a good day, everyone!

Merry Christmas

How many of us ate too much today?

Me too.

I keep telling myself that I'll get my exercise second semester with weight lifting before school.

I was down to 147 last time I sooo excitedly weighed myself (I wasn't happy with that, of course because I used to be down around 130/128).

I'm pretty sure I'm back into the 150's.

Readers, is it really that wrong to not want to eat?

J.P. feels bad anytime I mention feeling fat.

Because she feels like she's forcing me to eat.

Tonight we're going to a movie.

We Bought A Zoo is the name of the movie.

I am going to wear the kinda ugly boots my mom got me.

I am going to put on my geek Hello Kitty tights and my plaid skirt.

Oh, am I'm not gonna eat my pop corn.

Pinky promise.

I'll get DIET soda.

Yesterday, I had coffee for the first time in what feels like forever.

Bliss.

Had to pee like crazy and put a whole bunch of shit into it so I didn't feel as amazing as I usually would, but stilll~~

My mom gave me a pretty cute journal.

I'm gonna use it instead of this small, black one I have.

Still, it's kinda depressing to have to start from page one when I didn't even get to the last page in the other one.

Oh well, I plan to use pictures and doodles in the new one because it's just soooo massive.

I'm kinda hoping I can use it like my blog.

Only different.

More personal.

From every break down to every insanely happy moment, I'll always record more personal feelings in a journal, away from the public eye.

J.P. feels bad because in the end, she can't help me lose 20-30 pounds.

You know what?

Let's just have a load of thinspo pictures.

I am going to ask J.P. for control of me.

Since we started dating, J.P.'s gotten thinner and she's been pushing me to eat. So I end up eating. I'm so tired of it.
I like Piece of Me by Britney Spears just for the line "I'm Misses She's Too Big Now She's too Thin."
How many lies a day do we spread?
I've told one to my girlfriend.
"I'll grow out of this." When she asked if I promised I sent back "Ihopeso."
Only I don't hope I grow out it and I don't think I will.
But if I promise, I won't have to eat as much.
Quite tempting.
"If you promise you'll try."
Try to be fat again?
Why would I want to do that.
But I'll nod, smile, play nice.
Anywayy! Next semester, I have five days a week of nearly an hour of weight lifting for 18 weeks. I'm excited. Because having P.E. before school actually means I can wear more elaborate clothes. I can take up to ten minutes to get dressed and not have to worry about how easy it'll be to get off for P.E. later.
I'm also thinking about getting snake bites (the piercing) done. Like the picture below.
I've also decided to use the name Ember Snow.
Well, I think it's cute.
Okay, I'm gonna go. Toodles everyone! ^^

Fighting....

J.P. and I got into a fight, over text, and she ended up saying that she wanted a break. But...we aren't taking one because she doesn't wanna lose me.

So, what do I wanna do?

Be a better girlfriend.

First thing to do?

Quit.

Eating.

So.

Much.

Honestly. Who cares if it's Christmas time? I need to lose this fat and be better for her.

Also, J.P.'s collar bones, they stand out WAY more than mine.

Yep, I'm the fat one.

Again.

So I need to lose weight and be a better girlfriend.

Also, I'm trying to decide a new name to go by.

So far, I'm trying to pick between Wren, Snow, Azrael, and Ember.

Tell me what you guys like bestiest.

More Later

I just realized how many more bones J.P. has sticking out than I do. Her collar bones stick out a lot more than mine. Mine are barely there.

Also, we watched America's Next Top Model. Have I ever mentioned that it's a big trigger for me? I probably won't eat lunch.

I feel ugly in tight clothes

Which is all fine and dandy, but my clothes fit a girl 20-30 pounds SMALLER than I am. I'm always venting to J.P. it seems about this. She hates that I think I have to be thin to be pretty. I kinda don't like it either. I don't like how I get depressed when she says she's full and I'm still eating. I don't like how I get upset when she eats less than me. I know she works out more than me. I hate it.

I have a multivitamin, but I have to eat or else it makes me feel like puking.

But I've decided to eat less.

I'll have some Special K in the morning, just a little bit, not even a full bowl full, with a little of milk on it (I don't have the will to put water on it, kudos to those of you who do). Hopefully that'll be about 200 calories, have to eat lunch like I'm ok, so that will be 300-400. Supper...maybe I can skip it (please??).

I asked J.P. if we cannot have sex for a while because I feel so fat around her. She doesn't see it, because she thinks she looks like she's pregnant, but she's soo cute and stuff.

So, my break between semesters starts next week. I'm hoping (fingers crossed) that I can sleep in, exercise later into the night, and eat less. It'll probably be like this huge freaking candy feast, though, so I'll just gain weight and be more fat.

Did I tell you guys what my dad did? He gave away our coffee maker and we haven't replaced it. I'm so in need of coffee if I'm going to probably "forget" to eat. I hate salad, though, because I used to eat it all the time. It was the only thing my family thought I could eat when I first told them that I'm a vegetarian. Which worked out great for me because I was trying to lose weight. I wish I liked salad, though, so that I could eat it instead of other, more fattening foods, but I've gotten to the point where I'm one of those people who just POURS dressing on it. Only I have a little more control. I know that I only need a little to hide the flavor.

I walked through the house today after my shower and I realized that I hate the fact that my thighs jiggle, my belly FLOPS around, my upper arm flab just goes WOBBLE, WOBBLE, WOBBLE. I just...hate it. I honestly wish that I could wake up tomorrow and it just all be gone. I wanna be beautiful again and able to fit into Anna's clothes. You don't know how cool I felt fitting myself into her clothes. She's about 5 foot and anywhere from 90 to 115 pounds. She's got these tiny abs going on. She's sho cuteee. And it was awesome to wear her clothes. Because they fit.

Yeah. I've got some problems tonight.

How to fix it?

Oh, yeah....

Quit eating so much.

Here's a quote to start my Post

"I am not naturally that thin, so I had to go through everything from using drugs to diet pills to laxatives to fasting. Those were my main ways of controlling my weight."
Carre Otis

Sodas are being replaced with diet counterparts.

Even better soda is being replaced with water.

Breakfast was probably a third of a serving of Rice Krispies with a splash of 2% milk and a banana.

Cereal- 43.3

Milk- 49

Banana- 105

Breakfast total: 197.3

LUNCH

Pizza- 272

Milk- 130

Cookie- about 234

Slice of a pear- .5

Total so far: 716.8

EXERCISE (don't laugh, I'm lazy and plan to do more)

Incline Sit Ups- 15

Running- 61

Stretching (physical therapy for my knee)- 14

Leg Lifts- 60

Different Type of Leg Lifts- 14

Total: 164

Net: 716.8-164=552.8

And my knee popped out and in place today when I went to one of my class. Ick.

And J.P. and I spent last night just talking about...everything.

I started crying a lot about...a lot of old wounds.

I told her it'll take me a long time to get over her not doing anything about J.R.

I'm terrified to weigh myself, though.

J.P. tells me that my tummy is getting smaller (which makes me look taller!).

I love that I'm finally losing weight again!

Had My One Month Yesterday.

It was great.
But J.P.'s worrying.
Watching me eat.
Watching me freak out.
151?
Un-fucking-acceptable.
What will I do about it?
Probably nothing because I'm "sick".
Meaning?
I get nauseous when I eat (which means I'm eating less, YAY~) and I'm tired...all the time (meaning less exercising.).
My girl's built tiny. Even if she swears she fat.
She's not.
She's cute.
But I wanna be tiny too.
So I fit better in her arms.
On to the REALLY awkward stuffy stuff.
Day before Thanksgiving this year, so Novemberrr 24th, J.P. and I went at it.
We had sex. It was awesome.
But....a couple days later, late at night, I was freaking out.
Because most of the chicks I know who've lost their virginity are complete whores.
And I didn't wanna be in that category.
But I swear, I love her.
I'm fine with it now.
But I need to be thinner.
Toodles, I'm off to do sit-ups~