I'm almost 170.

I'm done with all this eating stuff. I think my mom kind of felt it coming off of me. That feeling.

Oh, I gave blood yesterday and got so nauseous I had to go home. I had a huge breakfast, loads of fluids, and a snack before giving and a snack after. But as I got up and wondered around, I go nauseous and stayed that way until I slept from one to five.

I should be working on homework.

But all that's running through my mind is, well, running.

And writing.

Not homework writing.

Writing for me.

Writing for writing.

These thoughts aren't really new to me.

Pampering myself before worrying about homework and school.

They're the reason I stayed home many times last year and the year before.

And the year before.

They're the reason I've cut before.

They're the reason I find myself on my floor, ten or twenty crunches later, panting and wondering if I can do ten or twenty more.

They're thoughts caused from not eating enough.

Or having enough calories, but having felt hungry too long. 

Feeling sickly and accomplished.

Having told two people all you want is a drink. 

I keep telling myself I need to take it easy today, eat right and be semi-ok.

Because my legs hurt from weightlifting yesterday, because I gave blood yesterday.

There's this part of me, though, that says "Those skinny jeans will never fit right if you don't, and those will never fit again if you don't. Neither will that top. Or any of those."

I have too many clothes from when I was tiny and basically none for the me now.

I have too many clothes for the girl I wanna be. Not the girl I am.

 

So, I have something to rant and rave about.

This guy that J.P. saw as a brother broke up with his baby mama because she was throwing crap at him.

Fair enough of a reason.

But then J.P. was trying to make sure he was ok.

And he starts hitting on her and saying that he thinks she likes him.

I was standing right next to her as he was texting this stuff to her. Right in front of me.

What? Are not "really" a couple because we're the same sex?

It was like seriously, hit on girls your age, not my seventeen year old girlfriend.

It's not her fault that she was worried about your mental health and you saw it as a chance to tell her you want to date her and think she wants you.

I texted his best friend and asked him to ask him to stop.

Apparently he did because the other guy was just like "What? I can't joke with my friend now?"

Yeah, yeah, at least try to seem like you're joking around.

I'm gonna lose weight this month.

I don't know how much because I don't have a scale. 

But I'm gonna get skinny.

I wanna look like that girl that my dad took a picture of about a year ago.

She was me. She was so different. And pretty. Kind of sickly looking, but she looked pretty.

How did I not see it when I was there?

Her cocky school picture, her smirk, like she knows more than I do.

Her black hair looked like it was a tad thinner than mine, but that may have been from her not knowing how to take care of hair that's dyed almost too much.

She's got the look of a demon, a trickster.

I know she's me, but it's so hard to believe.

Her hair's longer than mine. 

It's teased and her eyes are thickly lined with black. 

She has a look in her eyes that I pretend I don't know.

But I know it.

Hunger.

On the phone, she looks confused.

Why would anyone want her picture? 

Especially her dad who accuses her of being anorexic?

She looks almost too skinny.

Not that she ever saw it.

Why did I ever give that up?

She's the kind of pretty I had always dreamed of being.

She's the kind of girl that I always thought I would love to be, would love to at least know.

She looks like she could be famous.

Her black hair, black eyeliner, and black skinny jeans make me think that she's mysterious.

But I know that girl.

Or I used to.

She was medicated.

She typically felt alone and worried.

She never saw herself as pretty.

She never saw herself as thin.

She simply didn't believe it when her friends told her how pretty she had gotten.

She hated eating.

The doctors told her she had anxiety problems.

They said she used cutting as a coping mechanism.

When she walked through the halls she wondered if she looked ok.

She ran for thirty minutes using the wii, but never thought it was doing anything.

She was one hundred and twenty-eight pounds and still wanted to be less.

I know I shouldn't want to, but I want to be that girl.

She looks so small.

She looks so young.

She looks less than fifteen.

I miss her almost flat stomach.

I miss fitting into a size three.

I miss staying up late exercising and feel great.

I miss when eating felt like a game, and I didn't have to partake, but sometimes it just tasted and smelled too good and I allowed myself a couple bites.

I miss that feeling of caffeine on an empty stomach.

I miss feeling like a feather, even sometimes.

Ruby-tuesday that is easier said than done these days, and all I can promise is that I will try.

I am so sorry for posting about cutting realy bad and not keeping you guys updated.

I'm alright, by the way.
I didn't ever get stitches, and it's healing up very nicely.
I'm going to have a scar, yes.
A big one.
That I'll have trouble explaining.
Currently, I keep antibiotics and a bandage on it. No one asks about it, though I'm sure they all assume.
It was freeing.
To cut.
Not that deep.
Just to do it.
So lately I've been making those like "friendship bracelet" things.
I made myself and EDNOS one because...I'm tired of being fat, again.
I know, I just need to get over it.
Eat, exercise, sleep, homework, go to school, wake up somewhere in between sleeping and going to school, hang out with friends, be human, talk.
Only I don't want to eat or talk or hang out with anyone who doesn't understand and will let me enjoy my destruction.
I don't want to hang out with anyone who doesn't know what it feels like to not be able to slip too easily into threes, who doesn't understand why being dizzy and light-headed is a blessing, who complains when they're hungry rather than grinning to themselves, who doesn't get why gaining weight is a loss, even if they're still at a healthy weight.
My mind has been racing.
I haven't gotten enough sleep in so long because they doubled my lexapro.
Why couldn't the unhungriness stay around? Why couldn't it have gotten worse with the uppage of dose instead of getting better?
I've started drinking a lot of coffee. Coffee is like...amazing.
Good description.
I'm in a really good mood. Coffee and hunger's fault.
I have a chick-crush on this chick.

The one with the tie on.

Like I think she's so cute.
I wish I could look like that.

I wish I could have the attitude that seems to come off her, too.
I think J.P. and I would look so much more boss if I could look like that.
Oh! Speaking of J.P., I have the cutest picture of her on my phone. She's got my cousin's hamster in a little bowl thing and the smile on her face is to die for. The lighting is beautiful. I love it.
Yeah, we went four and half hours away from my house to see my cousins.
My mom got lost and even though we left at six in the evening, it took us until almost eleven the next day to get there.
Don't worry, about eleven at night we got a hotel room and went to sleep because my mom was almost asleep anyway.
Then after hanging out and seeing that my cousin is so much more artistic than I am, watching Madagascar three, finishing a bracelet, hanging out with a hamster, realizing that my aunt misses my older cousin who's in the army getting some training done, watching my younger cousin play Skyrim (I wanna play now!), we left to get supper with my older brother. I'm pretty sure his eating is disordered too.
We went to Denny's and the staff was all super nice even though the ones we interacted with were toward the end of their shifts so they were all really tired. I made the mistake of getting eggs and waffles.
On the way home I told J.P. how awful I felt.
Well, I didn't really tell her. I didn't feel like speaking at all.
I told her I felt gross, mentally and physically.
She promised we'd make time to exercise from now on.
I wonder if she hopes that will keep from not eating.
Oh for those of you wondering, I got an eighty percent one my second A.P. History test.
Which is a C at my school.
But it's better than most of the people in my A.P. class.
Made me feel boss.
Now, I'm going to attack you guys with pictures because I'm just in a picture kind of mood.
Not of me.
I'm too flubby.

Now, I'm going to go take a shower before I have to go get J.P. from work.

Thank you, Rachael, for all of the advice. I'm hoping nothing like this will happen again. It was very scary.

Cut really bad for the first time basically ever

Did you know bread knives are super sharp?
Cause I didn't think they would be.
I'm gonna have my mom look at it. She's a nurse.
I freaked out when I saw how much it was bleeding.
Then I forced myself to calm down.
Freaking out means not thinking clearly and the heart pumping faster.
Once I quit freaking out, I grabbed the shirt we used to keep my shirt safe when we dyed my hair purple yesterday. (Ok, I was still kinda freaking out)
Then I started looking up ways to make it quit online. It just wasn't stopping.
They suggested warm salt water and a using a tea bag.
I did both.
The salt water didn't seem to be helping.
The tea bag helped it finish quit.
J.P. is going to be freaking out.
I freaked out one of her friends by saying that I was dying (I thought I was). Then calmed him down when I said that it quit bleeding.
What kind of idiot cuts the back of their wrist?
Me. It probably saved my butt though. It looks really bad, but since it quit, I'd guess it's not too bad.
Now, I'm going to run to my car, grab my backpack so that when my mom wakes me up at eleven I won't have to do it then.
Then I'm going to bed.

Feeling wrong.

I feel like cutting.
Everything just feels wrong.
I'm tired.
I've forgotten my medicine for two days.
And I'm realizing that the only friend I really have anymore is J.P.
That would be great, but I miss the people I used to hang out with.
I know, I know, you can't just leave someone and then expect them to welcome you back.
I'm just going to take a nap and probably find some way to cut.
Can I just wake up skinny?

164

I've gone from 171 to 164 just by being on my Lexapro and never being hungry. Maybe weightlifting five days a week helps. J.P. says that if they find out that I'm not eating enough on it, though, they'll take me off it.

I've decided that I'm going to be super cute for prom. And actually skinny. I'm gonna dye my hair and let it grow out a little.
I'm going to actually start doing my hair and make up
I'm going to dress nice.
I'm going to try to pretend I like the way I look.

I'm fat, I hate it.
It's blobby and gross.
But I'm changing that.
So rather wait until I get there to try to be happy, I'm going to rock what I'm stuck with for now.

Alright, I better get dressed and actually be a real person.
J.P. and I have a study date at noon.
I need pre-calculus help.
OH! Homecoming dance was last night.
My dress that fit perfectly when we got it is too big.
Since it fit perfectly (and was almost too small in the boob area) we didn't get me a strapless bra (my boobs got bigger recently so I only have a few bras that actually fit). So, I didn't wear a bra under it.
But it kept slipping...
So I used the straps that they use to hold them on the hangers as dress straps.
They at least kept it from slipping too badly.

Friends

I hurt Anna really bad by basically dropping her after J.P. and I started dating.
I didn't really understand until I.M. told me.
But I wanna hang out with Anna and make things better between us.

Have I told you guys the effect of my Lexapro (generic version)?
I don't ever recognize that I'm hungry.
My stomach will growl and that's the point I'm like "Huh...maybe I should eat something."
Now I'm starting to get hunger pains (three days of not really realizing you're hungry will do that.)
I'm pretty sure I eat enough calories. But I've lost weight. Went from 171 to 166.6. Then to 168.
Either way I'm out of the 170's.
I need to start exercising.
Outside of weightlifting.
Dad says I need to see the doc for thyroid stuff.


Sam Lupin-
I'm so sorry that I forgot to reply to your comment on my last post. Since then things have gotten a little better between J.P. and I. She doesn't seem to be as depressed as she was about it. And no, you can't process it for me, haha. Thanks for offering. No, you can't hurt my dad either. He's trying to mean well. Thank you for thinking that he shouldn't have said it. I think that's part of the reason I don't really feel hungry. I'll try to not cut. Thank you for worrying about me. :)

Blood work, new pills, dress shopping

The blood work isn't anything really important. It's just because I'm starting new medication. I'm apparently too stressed. I believe that too. They're starting me on...something. I don't remember. Hopefully I can tell you tomorrow. I got told that it should cause weight gain. I think it's Lexapro or a generic version of it. Only ten milligrams. It says it can cause lose of appetite.

Dress shopping...was torture. At first it was great. Sure the line to the dressing room was way too long, but I  was super upbeat and happy. Hadn't eaten most the day. Had more coffee than substance (because of the blood work. Didn't get it done until almost ten thirty and couldn't eat until I got it done.). It ended up being that I had to try on a whole bunch of size 14 dresses. Luckily, I could pull them basically off (literally). My boobs are too big to wear a 13 with a bra. Thank goodness it's so tight in that area that nothing will slip out. The worst part? My mom telling me that maybe I could starve myself a little this week to fit into it better. So maybe I will. I need to. I used to be a five. So I'm going to start taking my lunch. Of beans (protein), whatever vegetable is laying around, whatever fruit in laying around, and a sandwich that is one slice of bread with some pecan pumpkin butter stuff (it's actually kind of low calorie). Or maybe rice. Obviously I'll be exercising more than I do now. I'll be thinner and cuter.

My hair is blue now. It was supposed to be purple. Well, I wanted it to be purple. I put blue on top of red. The blue covered up the red completely, obviously. It's cute. Not what I wanted, but I can live with it.

This is homecoming week for me (starting tomorrow). I'm really excited. I'm actually planning on going all out this time. Hopefully my partner in crime doesn't have asthma problems. Her mom put an air freshener in the bathroom and the scent messes with her asthma, but her mom told her to suck it up when she pointed it out to her mom.

Okay, one more picture, just because it's cute and because J.P. likes umbreon and jolteon. We're going to homecoming together and I'm in a geeky mood.