It's my birthday tomorrow!

I know I just posted, but I forgot to mention my birthday.
I'm really excited.
I'm finally gonna be sixteen.
A couple years ago, when I was turning fourteen, I was mad and bitter.
Then as the year went on, I lost weight.
At one point, I did wonder if I would live to see this birthday.
I'm so excited I did.
Sure, I miss being thin.
But I have time to lose this weight.
Also, I've been cutting for two years.
I've gotten a lot better in the past six months, I think.
But the urge is still there.
And honestly, I don't know if I do want to quit.

I don't know if I would mind being called "that cutter chick" or "emo freak".
Cutting seems to be on the edge of my mind a lot.
Because I know it calms me at least a little and J.P. says we're fighting a lot lately.
I might before taking the dogs out for another walk.
And I may take them on a longer walk.
I doubt it.
I'll probably just take them out to pee.
They're so frustrating to walk at the same time. I wish J.P. was here to help instead of getting ready for her interview.
I may go jump rope outside because in here the dog barks at me. I'm just ready to be thin.
Anyway, this was supposed to be about my birthday.
Sorry I made it so long.
My mommy is trying to get me a cupcake cake that makes a mustache.
I'm trying to see if my friends can come for a party on Saturday.

Got a couple of dogs.

Which means I'm heading outside to walk them every few hours. And I have an app on my new phone that helps me log food/exercise. But I haven't gotten on much because J.P. says I only blog when I'm upset and that I don't talk to her first.
Let me tell you a secret.
I'm always upset about my weight.
I'm not happy at 160 whatever the heck I'm at.
Also, J.P. treated me better when I was thin. Whether she knows it or not.
I miss being a size three.
At this point, I miss being a five.
But I really miss getting on the scale and seeing 120-something.
Even if it was high 120's.

Also, I have noticed that fat people feel the need to justify why their pretty to other people.
To me, it's like you say you know you're beautiful, why do you have to make sure everyone else thinks so?
I guess I only feel that way because all that goes through my mind is how ugly I am because I'm fat.
I'm glad they think beautiful.
But they don't have to make me think that me being fat makes me pretty.
I won't settle for fat.

Need to Lose Weight.

I also need to get off my butt and exercise EVERYDAY.
Or not eat the days I don't exercise.

Mom's told me we're getting rid of everything that doesn't fit.
One of my favorite pairs of jeans doesn't fit.
I wanna fit into them again soon.

J.P. swears she understands.
But then turns around and acts like it'll be a breeze to lose weight the "right way".
It's really hard to.
Everything is calories and fat.
Everything is everything it shouldn't be.
But I keep shoveling it in.
Because if I don't eat, she might no.
And she's actually trying to get better..

.But I'm getting so tired of doing this day in and day out.
It leaves me feeling worthless.

That's actually pretty close to what it looks like now that we've washed and waxed it.

I've probably eaten nearly 1600 calories.
That's so freaking much.
I need to eat less.
How about 900?
800?
I need to lose weight quicker even though J.P. says that it doesn't matter how quickly I lose it.
It matters a lot.
I still need to exercise today still. For at least 30 minutes.
I'm building up to an hour.

OH Hi there!

I love this little lady's legs and arms.
J.P.'s told me I'm acting all upset.
I am upset.
Over all this weight I wanna lose.
I wanna be able to have thin legs and a tiny waist.
I ran around a lot yesterday.
Upstairs, downstairs, in place.
Carried boxed of J.P.'s older sister's stuff.
I've decided that my notebook can be for calories and writing. Yay~
On the website I'm using, my limit is 1209 only because that's the lowest they'll let me do.
I tried doing 1000.
I tried very hard.

Now! Off to the wiifit to exercise and then maybe I'll do something actually more productive.

Hungry...Writing

Back to counting almost every calorie.
I'm really upset with what I ate.
Over a thousand.
Easily.
And then kept eating.
Tomorrow...maybe I'll be only a little over 900?
I burned a lot.
Maybe they'll cancel out.
I got a little notebook that fits in the new purse I got.
So I can write any where.
At any time.
Anything.
It's great to be able to post again.
You guys cannot imagine how I've missed this.
Alright, I'm off to finish getting names for writing.
<3
Take care of your beautiful selves.

Going to Talk to My Therapist about Med Tuesday, Hopefully.

Wii says I'm 155 something.
Scale says 157/158..
I'm not sure which to believe.
I just need to stop eating.
It really should be that easy.
It really used to be that easy.
I've been living off of water and tea and coffee. That's about all I drink.
It's the food that's the problem.
You know what I think I need to do?
Try a vegan diet for a week.
And to exercise more.
Sure, I weight lift about twenty minutes five days a week, but it's not enough.
I'm still fat.
I've been so stressed out lately.
And I'm always tired.
And I really want to cut.
And I'm just getting sick of how life is.
I'm always freezing.
But everyone around is so, so lovely.
They all pretend I'm pretty and great.
Still, they stuff food down my throat and make me feel guilty for not eating.
They try to make me feel weird about exercising.
They hold me back from losing weight and being perfect.
I love J.P., but we don't exercise at her house.
Remember those days where I did SOME type of exercise every day, even if it wasn't much?
I do.
So after my choir concert today, I got onto the wii and exercised for thirty minutes.
I'm planning on running for thirty minutes later.
That'll be about 270 calories, maybe more.
I've eaten a lot more than that.
I really need to start counting calories again.
And I need to quit eating poptarts.
Seriously, close to or 200 calories PER poptart?
That's obscene!
I eat, probably, three or four per day at J.P.'s.
Because there's not really much else to eat.
Maybe I'll just start eating soup...
Also, I need to findd new blogs to read.
Alright, I'm gonna go snuzzle with J.P. because I just remembered how many of my sharp objects I keep in my room.
Toodless!!~