I blog a lot.

And I've been eating a way too much. Calories, calories, calories. I wish I could go back. To before I cared. Sure, I was fat and unattractive, but I was happy. Now, I think I'll be happy when I hit a certain number. I tell myself "You'll quit this when you're at (insert weight)" but I know I won't be. But I want to see if I am. I tell I.M. about how I want to be that chick who ends up passing out at school (actually, I just told her I want to be the really thin chick). It's sick. Honestly, I'm a self-abuser when my own abuser is gone. Without J.P., I hurt myself. With her, she hurts me.

But don't tell anyone, alright?

I love my collarbone, I love how it hurts to do sit ups because my lower spine sticks out with I curl it. I wanna be thinner just to see how it feels when I'm smaller.

I'm pretty sure I'm pretty. I think I think that somedays. But I want to be hungry, want to be smaller. Because if I'm smaller, I.M. has to worry.

Yeah, I think like that. I want her to worry about me. Because she's thinking about me.

I'm so close to tears. I eat like a pig, want to be tiny so the person I love will think about me but I want to fall in love with someone else. I'm gettin so tired of this being one-sided. Hey, I.M. will you love me? No? Damn. I guess I'll move on with these tears in my eyes.

Goshhh.. I'm sorry, late night posts are always my most depressing.

I told I.M. thank you. That's all. What am I thankful? That she's made me believe in love, that she gave me hope, that I actually can smile at the fat thing I see in mirror, that I'm slowly quitting cutting, that I'm just...so happy.

I got my own laptop. It's adorable. I love it.

Uhhmmm.. I'm out of things to say. Wow. I guess I'll go pop my pilll andd go to bed. I dunno.

Some lyrics:

but you're the only thing that's on my mind so whats a boy to do?
Let me keep this short and sweet,
you're the prettiest thing that i ever did see

I love that part. Because it's EXACTLY how I feel.

Yesterday, I messed up

I basically had a mini-binge where the calorie count reacchhheeddd 850. This makes my total about 1500. That's... awful! Of course, I'll be doing loads better today.
Okay, moving on to what's ALREADY happened today. I woke up nearly half an hour ago and my aunt's calling me. Only I didn't know it was my aunt because I don't have her number in my phone. So I didn't answer it. No one should assume I'm awake before noon. Also, I had gone to bed at four-ish. I'm allowed to be upset if they want me awake before noon. So, I'm not calling my grandma. Mainly because I don't have her number.
Wait, wait, wait, I think I found it. Alright, I'll call her. Right... Now.
Ugh I hate talking on the phone. Oh. Wow, you tell me to call you or rather someone else tells me to call you...and then you don't answer. Wow. Just wow.
Whatever, I'm done. I'm off to go and practice my guitar. I'm just learning how to play it. It hurts.

Kes: I was doing my laundry just because it needed done and I needed clothes. That sucks that you're usually nailed with doing it, though.

Just woke up.

I don't feel like leaving my room because, well, I wore a tank top and short-shorts to sleep in and I live in a house of guys and I just don't feel like changing.
Alright, I did some cleaning last night. Didn't find what I was looking for, but in a small area, I found my floor. I now have a pillow case full of stuff animals and clothes I don't want and another bag full of clothes I don't want. I have a huge pile of laundry I need to get done. And plan on doing.
Yes, I plan on cleaning while I'm not eating. Because I need to burn the calories and am too unmotivated to actually work-out. But if you saw the stack of laundry I have to do, you'd rather blog than get up and do it.
Oh, look, a distraction! Someone IM'ed me on Facebook.I don't really have much to say. Except that I'm dreading, kinda, going out to my grandma's because they'll expect me to eat. But I'm also not because my cousins are there, and they've proven themselves to be fun peoples.
So. Much. Laundry. It's so depressing. And I'm planning on doing it. Or, Most of it. Then, I'm gonna do my laundry every time my hamper gets full and not wait for my mom to do it.

Mess Up...

Went my Grandma's and ate. A lot.
But otherwise, it was fun. Really fun.
Tomorrow, I'm trying not to eat...again. I really need to lose weight and this is actually fun.
There's less than a week until Anna's birthday. I wanna be a lower weight. I want my I.M. to wonder how much I've eaten recently.


Lottie X: I really wish I didn't get jealous when other people don't eat because I know that they're "normal" and want to eat. I wish my friends and I were that cool. We're making up for it now that we're older, though. We actually text-roleplay people from our favorite shows. Yeahhh...It's fun.

I love Harry Potter.

There was a special on the TV for about an hour.
I couldn't sit down the whole time. Yeah, I was that excited over interviews with the cast. I told one of my friends it made me want to be an actress. I'm jealous of the bond that they said they made. Problem is? I can't act to save my life. Usually when I try, I end up laughing. Maybe I just haven't found something that clicks for me.
On another note, I'm a Slytherin at heart. I've even told my friends that I wanna find someone who says they're a Gryffindor and have play-fights with them. Yeah, I'm that kind of person. Sadly I hang out with the people who either want to fit in with their crowd of friends or would actually be put into Slytherin. So...no play-fights for me.
Okay, done with the nerdiness of me. I haven't even seen the new movie yet and I'm just going on and on.
I don't want to talk too much here about what I've eaten (or not eaten) because I have a blog dedicated to that. But let me just say coffee. That's all I've had. And water, I've had water too.
I'm really bored. Like I wanna text someone, but don't know what I'd say. You guys should, like, totally swamp me with e-mail. At chokingonglass@hotmail.com

I wanna come back here.

It's the intoxication of so many followers. There are twenty-eight of you here. Twenty-eight people who act like they care about my problems.
That's a lot to me.
I don't reeally know if I'll come back.
I may try it.
Dunno.
Tomorrow I simply cannot eat.
My friend I.M. only had a sandwich today. No, she doesn't starve herself; there was no food at her house.
Still, I'm jealous. Because I ate today. So that she wouldn't do pot, but I still ate.

Comments
Americaneagle I'm feeling much better, thank goodness. So much better that I asked my straight, female crush/friend out. She said no, but it's alright. We're still friends.

Lottie x I think I will alternate between the two of them. But for the next few days, I'll be posting here.

Eleven Days

Okay, I know I said I was done with posting here, but for those of you who don't follow my new blog, I want you to know... I'm a train wreck. I'm cutting, burning, panicking because I'm trying not to starve, giving into starving, I'm all over the dang place. Good thing? I have supportive friends and am going back to being super goth, like I was in the fifth grade. I was kinda happy then. I'm 129, BMI of 20.8, 46th percentile. These thoughts make me want to be 110, BMI 17.8, 24th percentile. Part of me just wants to be free.
Now days, I don't know what to listen to anymore. I don't want to eat, know I have to, want to be hope for those who need it, don't think I can be.
It's like, I'm starting to realize...eating normal, this skirt will never fit loosely. I want it to by time school starts. I wanna look cute.
I don't know anymore what to do.