Getting fatter

J.P. whined about how grumpy I am when I don't eat so I ate. J.P. told me I wanted to be healthy. I should've told her I didn't honestly care.I should've spoken up. I just wanna be thin.
Spanish is neat.
I'm good at it.
Well, remembering it anyway. Speaking it is bad.
I just want to just but there's so many people around.

...I'm so freaking fat

I'm pretty sure I've somehow allowed myself to get up to 170 again. No more eating. I don't care how grumpy I get. No more. I can't be fat anymore.
It makes me wanna cry. I'm just so upset. Like I eat so J.P.'s happy even though she says I don't have to. When I get grumpy from not eating she gets mad. I wanna be thin.

Cutting.

I always feel low around midnight. Unless caffiene is involved.
It wasn't tonight.
So even though J.P.'s here I cut.
I broke apart a razor last time we got into a fight at my house.
Today was the first time I got to use one of the blades.
One of them is deeper because the side I used was blunter so I pushed it in deep. The other one I just ran it across the skin.
All my bandages are at J.P.'s house.
It was like the first time I cut.
Funny how I remember it.
I thought about it a lot before doing it.
I stared long and hard at the glass I used to do it.
And then, with scared, shaking hands I did it.
Before then, I could've turned back at any point.
Now I feel like it's a part of what makes me.
Also I was on my computer a little bit and read some posts from everyone I'm creeping on on here.
Sorry I didn't comment.
Not enough time.
Oh! I slipped the blade into my wallet which is in my purse.
Since I rarely carry money, no one looks in my wallet.
Now I will have one with me, always. :)
Dunno how I'll explain that to my therapist.
I'm gonna be a junior this coming school year.
I've grown up a lot since freshman year.
Still, I cut and have trouble with food/my weight.
Guess somethings really don't change.

I love you guys.

Like a lot.
I wish I could actually read your blogs on this app.
But just knowing that I don't want to let you guys down.
So I try.
I try so hard.
Coffee, tea, water.
I'm below 900 without exercise so far today.
Honestly, I'm thinking about what I can do for exercise.
I'm sorry if I post a lot today. J.P. has work until midnight tonight.
And I have the car so I have to go get her.
So... I'm gonna go do that exercise.
Sam, I know it could be worse. Before I started actually trying to lose weight I was 166. Oh it's called Color Me Faded Denim. It's a christian book, but J.P. had it laying around so I read it. Just because I love reading.

One day it's good, the next not so much

Yesterday was great. Today...not really.
But j.p. has treated me better today.
Thank you guys for saying she shouldn't treat me badly. You're all great.
We've been trying to clean J.P. and her little sister's room.
Everything has been crazy.
She's mad at her mom now.
But either way, I wanna get more exercise.
Like get on the stationary bike they have on their back porch and go for... hours.
Also I want to read.
J.P. has this book and I'm not too far in it but the main character's best friend is a model and the main character is chubby.
She becomes anorexic/bulimic to lose weight.
It makes me wish I could regain control.
OH! When I weighed myself this morning I was 163.
It made me feel beast. Losing weight like a boss.
Thank you, Sam, for saying such nice things. I've really needed a compliment lately.
I'm sorry my posts are insanely dull and picture-less.
I'm using my blogger app on my phone. :/

Im back in the swing of things...

Kinda.
My net has been below 900 today and the day before yesterday.
Idk what happened yesterday.
Something not good.
(1500plus calories with little exercise.)
J.P. has been a whiney the past couple days.
I get she had to work...but still.
Doesn't mean she should treat me bad.
I just...dunno.

I told J.P. that we should train to run a marathon.

She looked at me like I was crazy. :)
Then she asked how long we had.
I told her the hardest part would be sticking with it, running every day.
She didn't really agree.
She said it'd be her breathing.
Id have to get more protien.
I'm excited.
She says by the end of out freshman year of college. I think we could do it. If we ran. Everyday.