cutting... (May be VERY triggering)

I feel perfectly and completely..not good enough.
J.P.'s friend....J broke up with his fiance recently.
Now he's hitting on her and trying to guilt her into sleeping with her.
He's sending her flirty texts while I'm standing right next to her while we talk to him at work.
She says that he's her only friend so she won't quit talking to him.
I'm like crazy sick.
I haven't gone to school since Friday when I was sent home after the blood drive we had.
So I'm sitting here with a pile of change because she's telling me that J flirting with her is EXACTLY like Anna treating her like crap.
And my blade isn't freaking sharp enough!
I'm scared she'll sleep with him.
Terrified, actually.
It makes me want to starve.
It makes me want to cut.
Anything but actually curling up into a ball and crying like I want to.
Anything to make me anything but weak like this.
She doesn't seem to understand how badly this hurts.
Sitting by and watching as he flirts with her, pretending I don't want to run away because I'm more than scared that he'll steal her.
It's so freaking hard to tear apart a disposable razor to get the individual blades.
They make me think of the knives downstairs and how much easier it would be to use them.
But these are safe to me.
Familiar.
Don't worry, I'll throw some hydrogen peroxide on them.
Crap, I cut my finger without even realizing it.
Yes, I have bandages all lined up.
Yes, I'm going down this path again.
I'm telling her it's fine to talk to him because it's so triggering and I really don't like feeling guilty from telling her she can't.
Now I've made her choose twice.
With J.R. and with J.
And I'll always have this fear that one day she'll realize they're both 20 times better than I am.
I get what I want and it's still a problem...
Great.

So, After I typed this all up, but before I found enough pictures to be satisfied posting, my computer died.
So rather than making a new post, I'm just gonna make this one super long.
I took a nap which only made me feel groggy.
Then I exercised a little. Which made me feel groggy.
Then I made myself some coffee (do you know how hard it is to make coffee without a coffee maker and not get coffee beans in the actual drink??). And guess what? Made me groggy.
So, I'm a groggy mess.
Found out I fail at jump roping. Which I kind of already knew.
It was fun. Until I tried jumping and the rope ended up between my toes.
J.P. and I have been saying odd things to each other because we're both not feeling too well which is messing with our brains.
So, I went out to eat yesterday for my brothers' (no, that's not a typo. My youngest brother and one of my older brothers share a birthday.) birthday.
It was a buffet.
I'm guessing I've been unknowingly starving while I've been sick.
Got horrid stomach pains that lasted until...well, I still have stomach pains they're just not as bad.
So I stayed home from school.
Again.
I haven't gone at all this week.
I've just felt sickly.
I wonder if I've lost weight.
All I've really been doing is sleeping.

You know what kind of bothers me?
When the thinspo sites I go to have a whole bunch of super seductive pictures and pictures of naked chicks.
I don't know why it bothers me.
Cause if the person in the picture is in their underwear, it doesn't bother me.
I guess I see the clothing as part of the beauty of it?

Maybe that's just me.

So, about my coffee.
I'm really proud of myself.
Being able to make it without a coffee maker makes me feel like I can have any kind of coffee I want whenever I want.
Which isn't true.
Because I still a microwave.
Then I got bored of just normal coffee. Because I had made mine too strong.
So I added the LAST lemon tea tea bag to my coffee grounds.
It was great.
I was shocked!
It was like a zing of lemon mixed in with the bitterness of the coffee.
I was like "WHY DON'T THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THIS!?"
Then I wanted peppermint coffee....but we don't have peppermint tea and I have zero money.

So, I really want a tattoo, but apparently it's illegal to give a minor one.
I'm only sixteen, so I fall into that age group.
I just want something simple.
I really want a bow on my wrist, but I know that would hurt like crazy.
And, even though I cut, I'm a wuss when it comes to pain.
Which makes zero sense to me.
I also wanna get my lip pierced, snake bites.
But J.P. doesn't like the thought of it.
And I don't want her to leave.
And I don't want to get them and then not like them.
I think that scares me the most.
The thought that I'll get them and then hate the look of them.