Getting fatter

J.P. whined about how grumpy I am when I don't eat so I ate. J.P. told me I wanted to be healthy. I should've told her I didn't honestly care.I should've spoken up. I just wanna be thin.
Spanish is neat.
I'm good at it.
Well, remembering it anyway. Speaking it is bad.
I just want to just but there's so many people around.

...I'm so freaking fat

I'm pretty sure I've somehow allowed myself to get up to 170 again. No more eating. I don't care how grumpy I get. No more. I can't be fat anymore.
It makes me wanna cry. I'm just so upset. Like I eat so J.P.'s happy even though she says I don't have to. When I get grumpy from not eating she gets mad. I wanna be thin.

Cutting.

I always feel low around midnight. Unless caffiene is involved.
It wasn't tonight.
So even though J.P.'s here I cut.
I broke apart a razor last time we got into a fight at my house.
Today was the first time I got to use one of the blades.
One of them is deeper because the side I used was blunter so I pushed it in deep. The other one I just ran it across the skin.
All my bandages are at J.P.'s house.
It was like the first time I cut.
Funny how I remember it.
I thought about it a lot before doing it.
I stared long and hard at the glass I used to do it.
And then, with scared, shaking hands I did it.
Before then, I could've turned back at any point.
Now I feel like it's a part of what makes me.
Also I was on my computer a little bit and read some posts from everyone I'm creeping on on here.
Sorry I didn't comment.
Not enough time.
Oh! I slipped the blade into my wallet which is in my purse.
Since I rarely carry money, no one looks in my wallet.
Now I will have one with me, always. :)
Dunno how I'll explain that to my therapist.
I'm gonna be a junior this coming school year.
I've grown up a lot since freshman year.
Still, I cut and have trouble with food/my weight.
Guess somethings really don't change.