Need to quit Snacking.

It's usually on super junk food (ice cream, cookies, brownies, ect...) and leaves me feeling pukey and gross.

My thighs hurt from using the WiiFit too much.

But I missed it!

I believe I am sick.

My throat burns anytime I swallow.

It felt better.

So I got ice cream...and cookies.

Now it burns again.

Coffee, hot coffee, helps though.

Which is good.

Cause coffee is safe.

J.P. was upset last night, saying that she couldn't make me happy like I made her happy.

She makes me happy.

But she can't get rid of the monsters in my head as they scream at me to quit eating so much.

She swears I'm getting better.

I think I'm just getting worse again.

Like, I hate sweating.

I don't know why, something about me sweating grosses me out.

Even though I only used to Wii for about 20 minutes last night, I was sweating.

And enjoying it.

I worked to the point my knees wanted to either lock or collapse.

They trembled as I walked around, trying to just use my muscle, hoping they didn't hurt too much.

All the same, I feel bad.

I feel really bad to say anything to J.P.

I'm used to having people tell me that I'll get better, I just need to keep eating and focusing on being healthy.

J.P. wants me to be healthy.

But she's giving up.

I can feel it.

I told her I didn't want my thighs to touch. At all.

She said "You can do it."

Not "Be Healthy" "Be Safe" "You don't need to".

"You can do it."

Has never felt so much like disappointment.

Also, I keep telling myself that one day, I'll be soooo much better than this. Yep, the starving, self-hate, wishing that I was tiny, thinking that I can only be pretty by being thin, wondering which things will keep me healthy, counting calories, worrying about what I've eaten, thinking I've done something wrong as that chocolate slimes it's way down my throat.

I keep saying that once I'm out of high school, I'll be all better.

I keep telling myself that I'll be healthy enough to have kids.

I keep saying I won't be like my dad and tell them to starve to lose weight.

At the same time, I grit my teeth when I think about being "okay" again.

I barely eat breakfast, but I eat less for lunch.

Still...I get home and pig out.

But for supper, I eat just enough to make them think I'm okay.

I mean, not like my dad's actually looking for the signs that I'm not eating.

One day, I'm going to stock up on various vitamins.

Vitamin C, Vitamin D and Calcium, Vitamin B's, whatever else I feel like I need.

I need to find the diet pills I used to have.

I know I still have them.

I quit taking them because the therapist said they may have been messing with my medication.

But now I'm not on meds.

So I want the diet pills.

Which means cleaning my room at least a little...

We have our coffee maker back from my uncle now too~

I am going to say one more thing and then quit before this post becomes too long for anyone to bother reading.

I am so insecure.

J.P. took a while to reply (because she didn't get my reply) and I thought it was because she was hanging out with someone she suddenly got a crush on.

With that, I will quit typing in this post.