Do you ever have that feeling?

Today in weightlifting, J.P. and S.C. decided "Oh my gosh, I hate working my legs, let's fuck around." So they had a, like, five minute conversation about S.C. trying to hook J.P. up with some guy who turned out to be J.R.'s older brother.

Cool, cool, don't care, S.C., do your exercise or let me do it.

But then I mention it to J.P. and it's "Let me get mad at you." Now that I'm trying to settle things it's "Well I did tell her to get to work a couple times" (which I do remember her doing once or twice) and "I'll remember to keep my mouth shut from now on because I'm never good enough anyway."

I rarely voice when something or someone ticks me off.

Even more rarely do I say it to them.

I nearly started crying when I read J.P.'s text basically saying that I said that she wasn't ever doing anything right.

I was, am, so upset that one of the few times I bother to tell her that something bothered me, she reacted like that.

So I straight up told her I don't see us being together if she's going to always twist my words around just because she already feels upset.

Also, she believes that I've started cutting again (which I kinda have) because I get bored in one of my classes and use my mechanical pencil to leave red marks on my hand and ran out of room on my hand, so I went to my wrist and apparently pushed too hard and made scabs.

Also, this morning I was 153.4 pounds.

Nearly did a happy dance.

I kind of want to know what I am now that I haven't eaten most of the day....

Lots of water, though.

I had 36 ounces of water before I even got to school.

And a large coffee from McDonald's.

I have a small cut above my knee from a couple days ago.

Fuck, how does everything become my fault in the end?

How is it that when I try to explain my side it's "Well, I'm sorry I need you sometimes and you aren't there. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you". It always seems to come back to me somehow. I'm always the one at fault, the one who can't do anything right.

I guess it's only a problem when tears turn to cuts.

And because she was blaming me for everything so I compared her to how she was.

And she's just like "I'm sorry I've been a douche today" while she's crying and I've tried to talk to her about what had bothered me and so I said whatever and she's just like "It's not whatever, just try to talk to me." And I did try before so I was just "I have tried talking to you." And she was like "Fine, don't tell me anything." Then she hung up, but I didn't know that so I was like "I like how it's tell me everything or tell me nothing."

I'm gonna weigh myself (152.8) and then cut....

BUT FIRSTT

Sam Lupin:

I nearly did cry when I saw 156.6. Oohh, I've been used as inspiration for fanfiction? May I know of what kind? The yogurt is nonfat too, which makes it even better. I love that awake/alive feeling I get when and after I exercise. Heck, I even love that feeling when my muscles are really sore after a really good work out. Thank you for your long comments! They give me something to reply to and when I sit down to reply to them it's like being reminded that I'm not that bad of a person and that someone out there likes me.

P.S. About 31% of my body weight is fat. About 40% is water. I felt cool seeing that. Also, looking down when you weigh yourself can affect the weight. Like I did that with my scale and looking down I was like 158.