Ninja BEAR~

Sorry for the badness of the bear. He was made in, like, 10 minutes, maybe. But I said I would make a ninja bear and here it is!
Ok, I didn't really stick to my plan for today (bad girl) and the more I think about it, today and the past few days and the me being a lazy ass, it's made me REALLY wanna just...give up on this "Let's be healthy!" thing.
Unlike most of you, when I look in the mirror, the lady looking back is actually, in my eyes, very cute. She's spunky, alive, she looks outgoing. I like what I see in the mirror. And then I look down...and she doesn't have a body to match that face. I wanna have a body to match that cute face.
So, I'm thinking about fasting Monday, and then eating as little as I fucking can. I'm sick of being/feeling fat. I want to enter two jobs where looks are a lot of what people base on, if not everything! I need to be small... Way smaller than I am at least. Because I'm WAY over 140. And that's gonna irk me until I get it down. I was 136 on Christmas!! I should be in my 120s, AT LEAST!! Maybe even near my teens. But NOOOOOO I had to think I would be OK for a while.
Well guess what Alex?
You're a fat bitch who just needs to quit choking down food. That's right, I fuckin went there. Quit EATING. You'll start losing you FAT. Oh, and start running, you lazy ass. Alex, you need to MOVE to lose weight! Move and quit eating!!! GOSH!!!
Now that I've been mean to myself, I have to tell you that tonight was very lovely. It wasn't until I took a shower that I realized that I'm a fat food-whore. There are days where I wish I was as dedicated as I was for a while back in July and then again towards December. But no, I keep letting my guard down. Do you guys realize that this is so hard? For a while, I think I'm soooo cool, throwing away dinner, rarely eating. Then I think "Oh, I need to be healthy or I'll just get it all back" and then I eat like it's no one's business and then I feel fat so I just don't wanna eat and after a while, the cycle begins again. Right now, I really feel fat.
You guys wanna know what I really want for my birthday? No, it's not a gift you can send through the mail. It's to weigh only one nineteen at the max. The BEST gift would be to be one thirteen. Both are very hard to get to, from what I read from other blogs. Luckily, my birthday is in June. Anyone wanna keep me on track by texting me around meal times? Just kidding, considering my family has no set sit-down-and-stuff-your-face time. Right now I have no lunch money and I'm perfectly happy not eating lunch.
americaneaglelove, I lurv the rain too, it's just getting kinda annoying here.


Alright, I really need to get off. I have given you a long enough post and I've got to get up in the morning to have my hair bleached out. I'm going from dark brown with pink in the bangs and on one side to almost white with blue bangs and pink streaks. Wish me luck.
Goodnight.