I hate myself

I try to show at school the tiny, teeny tiny, piece of me that loves myself. Most me hates me. There are days where I'm insanely happy, others where I feel so low that I almost feel nothing. I don't know why and most people want out of this cycle. The more I think about it, the more I don't want to. Why medicate myself? It's another lie. The real me drops to lows and rushes to highs. The real me...who is she? She's been torn apart too much, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. I've been called Lexi all my life, but I don't feel like Lexi. She was happy with a good family and wonderous friends. Now, I feel like some unnamed creature who kinda wants to date that boy with a bad rep because he can't judge me as much as someone with a great one (and because his smile infects me).
Last year, this time, I was happy. How do I know? This time last year isn't recorded in a journal. I didn't feel a need to keep one. Because I was happy with life and didn't need a way to past time quickly. This July will be a whole year of this cycle. Or maybe I'll break it by then...
I cut tonight. Because I wanted to. I also put part of a pill that makes me sleepy into my flavored (and colored) water. Tonight I told myself I didn't want to eat. I'm gaining weight. The scale's lying. I can feel, see, it. Makes me want to vomit like Daddy told me to do when I was younger.
Thanks for your lovely comments. They honestly make my days. Even if it's just one comment, I feel less alone. It makes me feel like I matter. Hopefully I can at least make you beautiful people feel less alone and more loved like you do for me. :)
Now, I can feel my mind blanking every once in a while, so goodnight.