If one day I'll have a husband, be swelled up with a pregnancy, and look down at aweful scars on my wrists.
I wonder if I'll look over at him and say, "When I was fourteen, I loved these scars because they reflected my heart and soul."
I wonder if I'll be screwed up.
I wonder if I'll fuck up my kid like Dad did with me.
I always wonder...would I even be a good parent?
I wanna have kids, unlike most people in my grade, when I grow up. But not if they're going to end up hurt by my insanities.
I also wonder who am I hurting by typing this up where anyone can see it?
I wonder what child is getting messed up from me being messed up RIGHT NOW.
It scares me to think that someone else could be harmed from me doing this. No, it terrifies me. Only...Not enough to quit. Not enough to just write in my journal instead of typing it up on here.
I always wonder what would happen if I were to start talking to one of you and it broke me to pieces because...this blog was made you begin thinking of ways to starve even more.
I always wonder how I would react if a-a-a child commented on here, telling me I was inspiring because I had starved myself.
Would I hate myself even more if a nine-year-old told me how great my posts were? Or would I be flattered..? I wonder this a lot. Honestly, I hope I never have to find out. I really do. Maybe that's me being selfish, but I really, really, truly hope that some lovely child is not affected me.
Anna stayed last night. We were up until 3 in the morning (we didn't home from my brother's concert and Denny's until 2). We talked about my crush because I've decided that she can ask him out for me. Actually, I think since her doggie is dying today that I'll do it myself. Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself. We woke up around noon and went to my grandma's to eat. Then we came home around three in the afternoon and watched a few episodes of an anime. Then she left and found out her dog had a puppy and then the puppy died and now the dog's dying. Life kinda sucks.
I haven't taken my meds for... six? nights now. I threw away two pills (one for tonight, one for yesterday) so it looks like I'm taking them. I don't wanna tell my mom that I quit. Unless she notices.
Uhmm... that's all I can think of for tonight. I love all 20 of my followers like for real.
I'm sure you would be a great mum, because you would understand how bad parents can make you feel, so you would be able to make sure your children wouldn't have to go through that :)
ReplyDeleteI worry that too, but I think even if we do affect other people, the choice is still down to them. If they are doing to cut or starve themselves or what every else, they would probably do it anyway, even without reading our blogs. And if it's not your blog they are reading it would just be someone elses, so don't worry :)
Haha it was so weird seeing Alex written at the bottom of your post, instead of Lexi!
Sorry, long comment!
Stay strong,
Lottie x